I have been very sad at the thought of not seeing Hell again, as he is moving out of town. I have been calling myself stupid for having feelings for him. I don’t think that I’m in love with him, but it is common for a patient to be infatuated with her doctor. Still, I have been hard on myself for having those feelings.
I do not wish to ever fall in love again. Falling in love is like picking up a gun, it will backfire on you at some time.
March 13, 2001 (NSA Journal after adjustment) Today I felt…Betrayed! What do I feel? Betrayed. What do I want?
Comfort. No wonder I am fat! I had an adjustment today (new chiropractor). What was I remembering? That I was being drowned by my grandfather, as he pushed my head under the water over and over again, telling me he would kill me if I talked? Come on! It can’t be!
It simply cannot be.
March 20, 2001 (NSA Journal after adjustment) Today I felt that last week’s adjustment left me processing for three more days. Today, though, after the adjustment I feel relaxed; it seems I did clear some stuff. But no memories, and I feel ambivalent about this. Am I glad? Yes! But I know I have to keep going. I only wonder how much longer it will take before I finally let the memories totally and completely in. Look them in the face and finally say, ‘There! It is
finally done!’ So much more to go through. I can only hope that when I want to quit, I will want the healing much more.
March 31, 2001 (Computer Journal)