His Secret Obsession PDF Download with Review by James Bauer - HTML preview
Download the book in PDF, ePub, Kindle for a complete version.
His Secret
Obsession
Secret Obsession Text Message Formulas Copyright © 2016 by Blink Publishing LLC
All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.
Warning and Disclaimer
Every effort has been made to make this book as complete and as accurate as possible, but no warranty is implied. The information provided is on an
“as is” basis. The author and the publisher shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damages arising from the information contained in this book.
Nothing in this book constitutes, or is meant to constitute professional advice of any kind. If you require advice in relation to any legal, financial, psychological, or medical matter you should consult an appropriate professional.
Be Irresistible offers content on the topic of relationships and dating for entertainment purposes. As our products are for entertainment purposes only, they are NOT to be considered as legal, medical, psychological or professional advice.
By purchasing our products or using our website, you must agree that James Bauer is NOT providing you with any medical or psychological counsel.
The Secret to Unlocking The Hero Instinct 4
Part I: How the Hero Instinct Works
17
Module 1: The Secret Longing of Every Man 18
Module 2: The Unspoken Desire He’ll Never Admit 29
Module 3: Make Him See the Light
35
Module 4: The Fascination Trigger
45
Module 5: Why Men Say, “I’m just not ready”
59
Module 6: How Your Desires Can Fascinate Him 68
Module 7: The Secret Currency of Happy Relationships 83
Module 8: Rocket Fuel: How to Build Relationship Momentum Fast 98
Module 9: How to become His Secret Obsession 106
Module 10: Get Deeper Intimacy by Revealing More 123
Module 11: Three Things That Can Go Wrong (and how to fix them) 132
Part
II:
How
to
Use
the
Signals
144
Module 12: “The Private Island” Signal 145
Module 13: The “X-ray Question”
152
Module
14:
The
Glimpse
Phrase
158
Module 15: The Secret “Currency” Of Happy Relationships 164
Module 16: The “I Owe You” Signal
168
Module 17: The “Damsel in Distress” Signal 171
One
More
Thing…
183
SECRET OBSESSION
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Inst inct INTRODUCTION
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ~ Lao Tzu Personal development takes courage.
When you chose to embark on this journey with me, you made a choice that tells me something about you. You have courage.
And I’m willing to bet that at least some of that courage comes from your ability to love deeply.
In fact, you probably have someone in mind right now. Someone who brings out the courage to love with all your heart.
I hope that is the case. Because there are few things more beautiful.
Relationships are beautiful. So, for me, it is a great honor to be invited into your relationship world.
Let’s begin by talking about how to use the hero instinct.
You’ve heard it works. And something about it just makes sense based on your own life experiences. So you’re probably eager to use it on your man.
That makes perfect sense.
In fact, there’s nothing that would make me happier. But first, I want to ensure you understand one key to making the hero instinct work.
Page 4
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct If you want this principle to transform your relationships, it’s crucial that I first let you in on a secret. It’s the secret ingredient that brings the Hero Instinct to life.
Here’s the secret. The hero instinct is actually a bridge.
It’s not a technique. It’s not a trick you “use on a man.” It’s not something you use once and then watch to see if it will fix all current and future relationship problems.
Rather, it’s a special kind of bridge between a man and a woman. It allows men and women to find common ground and form a deep emotional connection. Let me show you how that happens.
Men and women both want relationships. But they desire different things from relationships.
And here’s where the hero instinct changes everything. It bridges the gap between his desires and your desires. It makes it possible for both partners to experience the most satisfying and exhilarating romance.
The hero instinct builds the intensity of your relationship. It does that by ramping up desire. And by giving you the ability to meet that desire as it arises in your relationship.
Don’t worry if you don’t understand how that works right now. I’ll be walking alongside you and explaining everything as we go through this course material step-by-step.
In fact, I should emphasize that the hero instinct is not a bridge you cross once. Rather, it’s a bridge you create over and over again.
I want this bridge to become a well-worn path in your relationship.
Page 5
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct If we look at this bridge one year from today, I want to see evidence that you and your man have traipsed across it over and over, leaving a well-worn path.
Because if you do that, something amazing is going to happen. You’re going to discover the kind of passion so many people long for, but so few people ever achieve.
And the reason is simple. We are drawn toward people who meet our needs. And that’s as true for you as it is for him.
Have you ever noticed how some people trigger an extra powerful feeling of attraction inside of you? And sometimes it’s hard to say exactly why?
I mean, sure, you could point out one or two features you like about his face. Or you could describe the impression you had of his personality. But there’s often something more. Something that’s hard to describe.
That’s the effect we’re going for.
When he interacts with you, we want him to feel something powerful.
Something that tugs at his instincts. An undeniable desire to have more of you in his life.
And that happens when you repeatedly trigger his hero instinct.
Triggering his hero instinct is not a one-time event. Rather, it’s a process. It’s a way of interacting that unfolds over time.
And that’s why I need to teach you how to create the hero instinct bridge over and over again in lots of different kinds of relationship situations.
Page 6
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct Some women, after hearing my story about Rachel, simply ask for the 12 words Rachel texted to her man. They think of these words like some kind of magic spell that they can copy and paste into their own relationship. But it doesn’t work that way.
Imagine this was a course about flirting. And I told you the 12 words that worked like magic for someone else at a very specific point in her relationship.
And imagine I told you to simply go out and use those same 12 words over and over again whenever you needed to boost the fun and intimacy between you and your man. I’m sure you can see why that would backfire.
Flirting is an art form. And it emerges in different ways depending on the flavor of the moment.
To be a master of flirting, you must first learn the underlying patterns that make it work. Then you can use that understanding to fluidly weave the magic of flirting into your daily interactions.
It’s like that with the hero instinct. There’s an underlying pattern. Learn to perceive it, and you’ll have a special kind of relationship skill. One you can keep on using for the rest of your life.
Women who can trigger a man’s hero instinct are able to do so for one reason and one reason alone. They are able to perceive the underlying relationship patterns that make it work.
They can create this bridge anytime they want. Because they understand the underlying relationship patterns. And that allows them to create the bridge (seemingly) out of thin air.
That’s what I’m going to teach you how to do.
Page 7
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct Yes, I’ll give you some examples of exact phrases you can adapt to your situation. But I don’t want you to make the mistake of skipping to those phrases without first learning the principles for success with my method.
This guide is really a relationship mastery guide. But it’s focused on one very special kind of relationship power. The power to draw a man toward you. Not by sheer effort. Not through good communication.
And not by impressing him.
Nope. This power doesn’t come from within. It doesn’t come from your own willpower, beauty, or even your deep ability to love another human being.
Rather, it comes from the bridge. The bridge between his needs and your needs. I call it “bridging.” Because when you do it right, it’s a bridge to everything you want.
Bridging: How it Works and Why It Matters Here’s how bridging works.
This is the fast and furious version. You’ll get all the details later. But I just want to give you the big picture first. That way, you can see where we’re headed, and why the details matter.
Men have this thing called the hero instinct. It’s an instinctual drive that causes him to thrive in certain kinds of relationships. He wants to be with someone who lets him express this instinct.
But it’s not just a relationship instinct. The hero instinct impacts many areas of a man’s life.
He’s drawn toward opportunities that satisfy his hero instinct. That’s true whether or not those opportunities appear within the context of a romantic relationship.
Page 8
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct In other words, he can get this need met outside the relationship. That’s a big problem. And it’s something you’ll learn more about later in this course.
Women thrive in relationships when there’s deep emotional intimacy.
Bonding and connection are the rewards women seek from a relationship.
In relationships, women want to feel like they matter. Like most women, you want to be at the center of his unfolding life story. You want to build a shared story that becomes more beautiful over time as you build memories together.
But here’s the problem. Men don’t always give you a central position in their unfolding life story. Men often treat women as an accessory. A side benefit. A hobby.
They do this because their hero instinct needs are being met outside the relationship. In fact, their needs are often better met outside the relationship than within. That’s bad news for a relationship. Yet this is the sad reality I have encountered over and over as a professional relationship coach.
Many women actually block a man’s hero instinct. It’s accidental, of course, but the damaging effect is just the same. He feels less passionate. Less interested. And he doesn’t even know why.
Fortunately, bridging overcomes this problem.
Bridging works by channeling his male instincts toward his relationship with you. Rather than fighting against his instinct (like most women do), you will simply redirect the powerful flow of his hero instinct.
This is the essence of bridging. It’s a skill you can learn. A relationship concept you will master over time.
Page 9
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instin ct If you will let me, I would like to be your mentor and guide. I would like to share the secrets of this method with you.
You’ve already taken the most important step. You’ve secured lifetime access to this relationship guide, and I hope you’ll come back to it over and over again.
But let me remind you of something important. You don’t need to read this entire guide tonight. Because I’m not going to let you simply forget about it. Over time, you will receive plenty of email reminders from me to keep developing your skill.
And during the coming weeks and months I will share some of my best ideas with you about relationships. Some of those ideas will be reminders about the methods you’ll discover in this relationship guide.
But I have additional material to share with you beyond the contents of this guide.
So think of this learning process as a journey. Like most journeys, there will be periods of frustration and disappointment.
Right now, you have the initial energy and excitement of discovering something new. And I’m excited for you! But I want to ensure you see this process through. Because it’s the people who persist that write back to tell me about the incredible happiness they’ve found.
Here’s what I’ve observed. These observations come from feedback from other women just like you. Women who took this course with a strong will to succeed. They start out with a burst of excitement. They absorb my best ideas from this relationship guide. They begin to look for opportunities to put those ideas to use. Then, disaster strikes.
It happens when you’re just starting to get glimpses of the hero instinct. You begin to see it at work in the life of a man you care about.
So naturally, you try out a little “bridging.” You try to channel some of that hero instinct.
Page 10
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct And he completely ignores you. Or worse, he looks at you like you have two heads.
Please understand that this experience is perfectly normal. The hero instinct has instantaneous effects. But your talent for bridging will develop over time.
So when you feel frustrated or disappointed, plan on sticking it out.
Because it’s often your very next attempt that surprises you with recurring waves of deep interest and attention from the guy you like.
All because of something you almost didn’t say because it didn’t seem like a very big deal.
One week your man may seem distracted by work or other concerns.
He barely notices you. And your attempts at bridging seem to be going nowhere.
Stick with it. Because this is a perfectly normal part of the learning process. And consider this: The times when he does not respond can lead to your greatest breakthroughs for understanding how the hero instinct works.
Don’t be surprised if you start to see the pattern shortly after a frustrating experience. You may suddenly feel as though you can turn on or off his energy and interest like a faucet. Those experiences will come if you persist with this method.
To make sure you achieve that result, I want you to plan ahead. I want you to take the following phrase and store it in your memory for later use. Every time you get discouraged, I want you to repeat this mantra to yourself:
“I don’t want a mediocre relationship, I want an extraordinary one. So I’m willing to do extraordinary things. Right now that means persisting when others would give up.”
Page 11
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct I once heard a motivational speaker say that 85% of all the success we will experience in life comes down to the quality of our relationships.
There are people who succeed at work, wealth, fitness, and many other worthy goals. But none of them feel like a success when their personal relationships are falling to pieces.
So I challenge you to put your effort into the things that really matter.
Relationships matter. That’s my belief, and I know you share it too, or else you would not be investing in your personal development through a relationship course like this.
So the next time you feel disappointed, get right back on the horse. Take a short break if you need, but never let setbacks define the course of your life.
Remember the mantra and push forward. Because the real-life benefits of a committed, caring relationship start to really pay off when you push beyond moments of frustration or short-term setbacks.
Permission To Just Be You
I want your romantic life to flourish. And I want you to use my relationship secrets to make it happen. Because every time a relationship succeeds, the world becomes a happier place.
And the best part? Using my relationship secrets will be fun!
I won’t ask you to do anything that doesn’t feel right. There will be no manipulation. No fake stuff. No pretending to be someone you’re not.
Dig into this material and I think you’ll agree; you can use these methods and still be 100% true to yourself.
We’re going to build your powers of attraction! But to do that, I need to open your eyes so you can see the patterns of the hero instinct.
Page 12
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Ins tinct The hero instinct is at work every time you interact with a man. So I want you to be able to see the pattern! I want you to understand it deeply. That way, you can choose how and when to use it in your relationships with men.
And that’s why I need you to commit to something hard. I want you to finish this course. It will take some time and some reading, but it will be worth it.
Because if you persist, your mind will begin to see the hidden patterns all around you. Give me enough time to influence your thoughts and you’ll begin to see the pattern for yourself.
You’ll see nuances of how everything fits together. You’ll understand how a man thinks. You’ll “get it” in a way others don’t. As a result, you will have the ability to pull at a man’s instincts, inspiring his deep devotion.
What Is the Hero Instinct?
The hero instinct is something all men have buried deep within their DNA. It pulls them toward relationship situations that make them feel like a hero.
But it’s more than that. It goes to the deepest desire all people feel. The desire for meaning and purpose. You see, unlike women, men don’t automatically get their need met for meaning and fulfillment just by being in a relationship.
In fact, a man cannot rest until he gets the feeling that he is rising to a challenge (and finding a niche in life where he feels successful).
Page 13
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct Once in a while, a romantic relationship with a woman meets that need.
And let me tell you, those are beautiful relationships. The man pours his heart into that kind of relationship. And as a result, both partners flourish.
But that’s extremely unusual in this modern era. Men often get into relationships, but they rarely feel fulfilled in them. And that’s because his hero instinct is pulling him in another direction.
It tells him to seek adventure. Or worse, to seek out a different relationship where he can be looked up to as a provider, as a success, as a hero.
If his relationship with you does not satisfy the instinctual drives of his hero instinct, there will always be something missing. A part of him will always be trying to pull away. Trying to seek something else, or someone else, even though he may still be in love with you.
Rachel’s Story.
The day I met with Rachel at the coffee shop, I recognized something missing in her relationship with Mike. But even then, I underestimated how powerful this one missing piece can be.
I asked Rachel to try something simple. I wanted her to send Mike a signal. A special kind of signal. One that brought out a different side of him. One that triggered a dormant part of his personality (at least as it related to her).
Now, keep in mind, this was just the start. But the signal that triggered Mike’s hero instinct came at just the right moment.
Rachel’s twelve words? They were simply this, “May I please ask your advice really quick? It won’t take long.”
Page 14
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Ins tinct Instead of presenting him with a permanent choice, like, “Do you want to start talking again?” she took a shortcut by triggering his hero instinct.
Giving a bit of advice is not about the relationship. So it was non-threatening.
Mike asked her why she wanted to talk. She responded, “I need your help.”
When he said, “With what?” She responded with, “Making a decision.”
When he said, “What kind of decision?” She said, “Something I thought you would know better than me. Do you mind if I call really quick?”
He was curious. But he also wanted to step into the helper role she had just laid open before him. He felt drawn to the problem solver role. The hero with special inside knowledge.
He felt compelled to respond to her text. And it sparked an interaction that caused his mind to re-open a closed door. You can probably guess why that helps. Once you’ve got your foot in the door, anything is possible.
It all started with a simple 12-word text message: “May I please ask your advice really quick? It won’t take long.”
Phrases like this seem so simple. Yet they have an amazing amount of hidden power because of the way they control human psychology.
It worked for Rachel. It gave her the opening she needed. Mike’s hero instinct was activated. And that was enough to change the way he pictured Rachel in his life.
This relationship guide teaches you how to influence his emotions using the Hero Instinct. But imagine the impact you can have once you get really good at this skill!
Page 15
The Secret to Unlocking the Hero Instinct This course teaches a skill that will be valuable in all your relationships with men for the rest of your life. It’s not just a single idea. It’s a decoding tool that allows you to understand the results you’re getting with the man in your life.
As such, this course is like a key. It’s a key that unlocks a whole new world of possibilities for your romantic life. I hope you enjoy your romantic adventure and return to this course several times as the circumstances of your relationship unfold over time.
In this relationship mastery course, you’ll learn how a man thinks. You’ll learn about the stuff men never admit they want. And…you’ll begin to see the patterns of the hero instinct all around you.
Grab hold of that power now. Take it for yourself. Use it. Let me show you how.
Ready? Let’s go…
Page 16
PART ONE
How the Hero Instinct Works
This course has two main sections. In part one you’ll learn to recognize the hidden patterns of the hero instinct. And you’ll discover how men react to the triggers they experience while interacting with you.
Don’t skip part one. It contains the core ideas you’ll need for success.
These ideas will form the foundation of your new skill for capturing a man’s romantic desire.
In part two you’ll discover specific applications and examples. The modules in part two will make it easier to picture how all the theory unfolds in real life.
But just remember one thing. This course is about revealing a pattern.
Once you learn to see it, you will never be the same.
“All is pattern, all life, but we can’t always see the pattern when we are a part of it.“
Belva Plain
Page 17
SECRET OBSESSION
The Secret Longing of Every Man
MODULE
ONE
The Secret Longing of Every Man
KEY LESSON
You can channel the flow of a man’s deepest passion.
Channel it toward his relationship with you.
I jerked involuntarily in my sleep, hard enough to bounce my shin off the seat in front of me.
The other students in the auditorium were glad for a distraction from the monotony of a Friday afternoon study hall. They all turned to look at me.
One of them was Amanda. I suddenly hoped I didn’t have slobber on my face. Or lines running across my forehead.
My right arm was asleep. It was too numb to properly wipe my mouth, so my effort resulted in a sort of flailing motion. For once I wished Amanda’s almond-shaped hazel eyes would look away.
She was the girl of my dreams. Not the homecoming queen. Not the captain of her volleyball team. But somehow…perfect. She had no flaws.
Yet I found her unapproachable at the same time.
Page 18
The Secret Longing of Every Man
How could I ever impress a girl like that? I stared at the page of algebra in front of me. But I was seeing something entirely different.
It was an earthquake. It shook the walls of the auditorium, doorways crumbling and partially blocked by falling debris. I saw myself taking Amanda by the hand. I knew I could reveal my true self to her in that moment. Because she needed me. I would guide her to safety.
The algebra paper stared back at me. I wondered if the ten minutes remaining in the study hall period would be enough to finish the assignment. I was tired of doing homework. I wished something exciting would happen.
I wondered if it made me a bad person that I wished an earthquake on the school. The truth? I was bored. I felt like I was made for something more.
Would it be so bad if a disaster gave me the chance to be someone’s hero?
I was sixteen. And like a thousand generations of boys before me, my hormones were changing my interests and priorities. The unfurling of my genetic code transcribing an ancient path reborn in each young man as he approaches manhood. My hero instinct was awakening.
MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE
“Since the initial publication of the chart of the electromagnetic spectrum, humans have learned that what they can touch, smell, see, and hear is less than one-millionth of reality.”
~ R. Buckminster Fuller
Page 19
The Secret Longing of Every Man
Reality is not always plain to see.
In fact, that is one premise of this relationship course. People feel things, and they don’t always admit what they feel. Sometimes it’s because it would be embarrassing to do so.
At other times, they don’t really understand the feeling themselves. That’s what it’s like with the hero instinct.
To understand the hero within your man, you must first understand the goal every hero has. You need to understand the secret desire that drives his hero instinct.
To learn the goal of the hero is to learn the way men perceive the very experience of life itself. I know that’s a bold statement, so let me explain.
What is the secret desire that drives the hero instinct? Is it to find meaning in life? Yes, in part.
Is it the desire to rise to his full potential? Certainly, that is a driving force
.
Is it a need to prove his worth, use his strength, or live an adventurous life? All of these are true, but none is the core essence of what he desires.
The core essence—the driving force—is something even more basic. The true driving force is the desire…no the need, to feel something.
As a woman, this may surprise you. Men seem so focused on goals and achieving things, so practical and analytical. They seem to miss opportunities to feel things all the time.
Page 20
The Secret Longing of Every Man
If that is so, how can the primary goal of the hero instinct be to feel something?
As a woman, you draw deep feeling and emotion from relationships. In sharing and bonding, you meet your need for feeling something deep, meaningful, and important.
This can also be true for a man, but it’s much less likely to happen. Because his sense of meaning is largely tied up with the hero instinct.
It calls to him.
And until he satisfies the call of his instinct to do something meaningful, and be something meaningful, all the rest of his emotion is partially locked behind a dam.
Each tiny heroic achievement is like a small catharsis of emotion for a man. It makes him feel alive. It’s like a crack in the dam that lets a bit of water flow to the parched land below.
Let me stop here for a moment to make sure you understand why this
“feeling alive” thing is so important.
THE DRIVE TO FEEL SOMETHING
Why do you go to the movies? Sometimes, it’s to experience something you could never experience in real life. Sometimes it’s to laugh. Sometimes it’s to be thrilled. But at other times it’s to cry (for example, at a Nicolas Sparks movie like The Notebook).
Page 21
The Secret Longing of Every Man
Why are people willing to pay for a two-hour experience that causes them to cry? It’s because of the deep feelings that are touched inside us.
The depth of emotion makes us feel truly alive. It’s like that for a man when it comes to the hero instinct. It makes him feel truly alive.
When you see him driving after goals that seem to bring him pain, you might wonder why he tries so hard. Why not just relax and recognize the meaningfulness of this happy moment with you?
And the answer is that he is seeking catharsis, the emotional release that comes from feeling something powerful and deep.
Does this make you jealous? Do you find yourself wishing you could be the trigger that releases his deepest emotions? Well you can be.
All you have to do is become a part of his heroic journey. Link yourself to the core of his purpose, meaning, and drive. Let your happiness become the proof of his achievement.
With emotions unlocked, you will find him powerfully engaged with you, experiencing deep emotion because of the bond the two of you share.
HOW TO USE THE HERO INSTINCT AS A
BRIDGE TO YOUR MAN’S HEART
To understand his hero instinct, you must understand the three component parts that define it. Here they are in no particular order:
•
The drive for meaningful achievement
•
The drive to be a provider
Page 22
The Secret Longing of Every Man
•
The drive to earn respect
Did you ever see the movie, Saving Private Ryan? This movie resonates with men. I want to show you why. Even if you did not like it, please allow me to use it to illustrate how the hero instinct fascinates men.
The movie was loosely based on a true story about a United States soldier fighting in World War II. All of the soldier’s brothers had been killed in the war.
In 1942, the United States military formed the “Sole Survivor Policy” to prevent any family from having their next generation completely wiped out. It basically said that if a family had lost all but one of their children to war, the last living child would be removed from the dangerous warfront and sent home.
In Steven Spielberg’s rendition of the story, Army Ranger Captain John Miller is assigned the job of finding Private Ryan and bringing him home safely. Because his mother was waiting at home, having already lost all her other sons to the war. The movie embodies the best qualities the hero instinct can bring out in men.
So remember, Captain Miller was sent to extract Private Ryan and bring him home safely. But near the end of the movie, Captain Miller is wounded and dying, lying on a bridge somewhere in France.
He speaks his final words to Private Ryan who kneels beside him. Captain Miller says, “James, earn this. Earn it!” Captain Miller is speaking, of course, of his hope that Private Ryan will live a life that makes his own sacrifice worthwhile.
Page 23
The Secret Longing of Every Man
Spielberg’s creative genius grabs the hearts of men by pulling on their hero instinct. We may not cry at relationship romance movies (“chick flicks”), but I can tell you men cry as they witness this pure and selfless example of the hero instinct in all its glory.
The camera pans to Private Ryan’s face, which gradually morphs into an older version of the man standing, many years later, at the gravesite where Captain Miller was laid to rest.
Private Ryan’s lower lip quivers as he stands alone, speaking to the gravestone, “Every day I think about what you said to me that day on the bridge. I’ve tried to live my life the best I could. I hope that was enough.”
Then Private Ryan turns to his wife who walks up to join him. With tears in his eyes he says, “Tell me I have led a good life. Tell me I’m a good man.”
She is moved by his uncommon display of emotion. She says, “You are.”
I can’t even tell this story without getting teary-eyed, let alone watch the movie without being deeply moved.
I could probably end this example here. I think you probably already understand the significance of this example.
But to ensure you understand my point, I will show you plainly what this means about your man and your relationship with him.
First of all, the reason this movie struck a chord with so many men is because it captures something deeply meaningful to us, something we have a hard time putting into words. It captures the very essence of the Page 24
The Secret Longing of Every Man
hero instinct.
Remember, the hero instinct has three parts:
•
The drive for meaningful achievement.
•
The drive to be a provider.
•
The drive to receive respect.
Of these three parts, the movie accounts for two. The first one is the drive for meaningful achievement. Captain Miller gains meaningful achievement by saving the life of a last remaining son.
Seeing another man achieve something so deeply meaningful is fascinating to us men. It’s fascinating because Captain Miller achieved the most meaningful thing of all, a heroic act that gave somebody life itself.
The other part of the hero instinct triad that is captured in this movie is the third one, the drive to receive respect. Captain Miller acquires Private Ryan’s deepest respect because of his heroic act.
In a way, Captain Miller even achieved the drive to be a provider in the sense that he provided safety.
The point is, the movies that make your man cry have to do with Spartans, gladiators, and soldiers acting out the hero instinct. While the movies that make you cry have to do with emotional barriers breaking down between lovers in movies like Shall We Dance or The Notebook. It’s one of the ways men and women differ.
But to fully explain this Saving Private Ryan example, I have to point out one more thing. The crescendo of the movie ends with the words of a Page 25
The Secret Longing of Every Man
woman, Private Ryan’s wife. He looks to her for verbal affirmation, for respect.
Yes, he wants to live up to Captain Miller’s dying command to live a worthwhile life, but it is his partner, his lover to whom he looks when seeking affirmation of having succeeded in doing so.
More than anyone else in his life, a man’s romantic partner knows whether or not he has achieved the three drives of the hero instinct. Has his life been meaningful through achievement? Has he succeeded in being a worthy provider? And finally, do you, as his partner, bestow on him the respect he so desperately craves?
A man’s relationship with you is impacted by his perception of whether or not the relationship provides fertile ground for sowing seeds and reaping a harvest that yields the three components of his hero instinct. In fact, he will only stay with a woman who seems to do the following three things: 1.
Encourages him to pursue meaningful achievements 2.
Gladly accepts his drive to provide for her by sharing her needs and valuing what he has to offer her 3.
Demonstrates respect for him because of his ability and willingness to do the two things listed above Does this list look familiar? It should. It represents the actionable side of the three drives that make up the hero instinct.
This is your side of the equation. This is how you can engage his hero instinct. These are your opportunities for channeling his hero instinct toward his relationship with you. Please read the list one more time and Page 26