International Space Center
Kenya, 2063
Helena Anderson
Helena woke up with a jerk and quickly sat up in bed. She tried to suppress the violent breathing by putting her hand over her mouth, but it didn’t work as it instead produced strange hissing and sucking sounds. She removed her hand from her mouth and let the heavy breathing continue freely, hoping that it would finally calm down.
Her heart was beating so hard that she almost thought the pounding would wake up her husband Sven. However, he didn’t seem to notice anything as he was completely still and breathed quietly in the darkness beside her. She gently laid her hand on his arm and tried to focus on his peaceful breath. Maybe it could help her calm down a bit?
It worked. Slowly, slowly, her violent breathing calmed down, and she could finally gather her thoughts. What had she dreamed this time? She tried to remember but her mind was totally blank. She had no memory of the dream. But it must have been a terrible dream, as it left a lingering feeling in her body that she would die any second.
On other occasions, the panic attacks had been a consequence of lively dreams about her childhood, about her mother, and about her children, Anna and Erik. But not this time. Perhaps she had dreamed something so horrible that her brain immediately sorted it out of her consciousness to protect her?
Helena gently folded away the blanket and slowly got out of bed. She didn’t want to wake up her husband because she knew he would have trouble falling asleep again if he was awakened.
She hadn’t told anyone about the panic attacks, not even her husband. And she was convinced that if the evaluation staff found out she had panic attacks, they would immediately make sure that her and her family had to leave the colonizer program. They were in no way irreplaceable. There were hundreds of families who were waiting as reserves, ready to take their place if it turned out that they didn't measure up to the high standards that were required.
She couldn’t really understand how she had managed to pass all the evaluation tests. During the test period she had been constantly waiting for them to reveal her weaknesses. But in some strange way they had decided that she and her family were perfect for the mission.
Sure, both she and Sven were highly educated people. She was a biologist and botanist, and he was an engineer. But having a high education wasn’t enough for such an extreme mission. You also had to be a stable personality type. A person who managed to work smoothly with other people in a small and dangerous habitat.
But that was not enough. Above all, you needed to be a person who could handle the psychological pressure of leaving your home planet forever. Sven didn’t seem to have any problems with that. He was almost ridiculously excited about colonizing a new planet. On countless occasions he had told her he had no problem in leaving Earth as long as he had his family with him.
She walked around in the small apartment that had been their home ever since they were accepted into the colonial program. Even though the worst anxiety had now subsided, she didn’t want to go back to bed. Maybe the terrible horror would return as soon as she fell asleep again?
She went into the living room, sat down on the couch and turned on the light at the lowest level of brightness. In the dim light, she noticed something familiar lying on the table in front of her. A small snow globe with fir-trees and cute reindeers in a winter landscape. The glass was a bit scratched, but it still looked nice. Her grandmother had given it to her when she was a little girl, and for several years it had been her dearest thing.
She shook it and watched with fascination how the small snowflakes danced around inside it. She remembered giving it to Erik as a Christmas gift when he was five, in the belief that he would also appreciate the beautiful, dreamy landscape as much as she had done when she was his age. But he had just shaken it once and looked at it with a bored face, before setting it aside. Obviously, she should have known better. Today’s kids would never settle for such a simple toy. What were some snowflakes in a glass cup compared to being able to walk around in amazing virtual worlds using VR-glasses?
She shook it once again when it suddenly hit her: I will never experience snow again! The anxiety came back and hit her with black sorrow and fear. What have I done? She thought. How can I voluntarily exchange my life here on Earth for a life in narrow corridors and small rooms where I can never be alone? How can I choose to travel to a world where the impressions are so few and where the complexity is so sparse? No snow, no sea, no forests, no cities, no cool winds, no animals, and nowhere to go if I just get tired of everything. And how can I do this to my children? Is this the future I want to give them? Not to mention the risks! How can I expose them to something that is so unknown and dangerous? What a terrible mother I am!
She pressed her head to her knees while sobbing intensely. Suddenly she heard Sven’s sleepy voice from the bedroom.
"Helena, what are you doing?"
Helena instinctively held her breath. He can't see me like this! She took a deep breath and tried to sound as normal as possible.
"I’m out here in the living room, I just had a little trouble sleeping."
"Okay, are you coming back to bed soon?" he asked a bit hesitantly.
"Yes, yes, soon, I´ll just have a glass of water first."
She waited for an answer and after a few seconds she heard him mumble, "Okay."
She got up from the couch, went into the kitchen and filled up a glass of water. She took a few small sips although she wasn´t the least thirsty, poured out the rest in the sink and then went back to the bedroom.
She realized that there was nothing she could do. It was too late. There was no possibility of withdrawing from the mission just a few days before departure, and she didn't want to disappoint Sven either. He was so proud and thought it was a great honor that they had been selected. He was of course right in that, but for my part I would gladly abstain this honor, she thought as she lay down in bed.
Sven immediately crawled up next to her, put his arm around her and whispered in her ear, "Is everything okay honey?"
"Yes, I'm okay. I'm just a bit anxious about everything now that departure is just a few days away."
"Mmm, so am I, but try not to think about it. Instead, imagine that you and I and the children will be part of a fantastic adventure together. I am so happy that you didn´t oppose me when I suggested that we should register as volunteers."
He kissed her on the neck while whispering, "I love you Helena!"
"And I love you," she replied, gently stroking his arm.
She waited for him to say something more, but he remained silent. After a few seconds, she heard how his breath became heavier and soon he snored behind her. Helena sighed heavily, closed her eyes and hoped for a dreamless sleep.