Ch22
I know what I’ve done wrong. I thought everything was too late to fix, but what if I could have a little more time? If I had a chance to make up everything—to my family, people around me, and to myself; my 5 years of life would be meaningful. If I could reconcile with John, I could be close to him and spend time with him. If I could reconcile with Hannah, I could be friends with her family, and get to see my granddaughter. I could be friends with Nancy. I could be grateful every day. I think anything would be possible.
What about Sara? Can I ever forget her? It would be impossible. She is the perfect person. I would never be able to talk to her as Joe, and won’t be able to tell her how much I love her (have I told her that?) I could only see her from the distance; using social network would be the only way. Would I be satisfied with that? I was so happy when I was with her! Spending several months with her was much better than decades of years in my life. How can I be so sure that everything will work out with my life if I have more time?
I can't decide! I should be grateful to Boldo, but I am not. When I did not have any choice, I did not have to worry about these things. It was much easier to deal with! Oh, I am going crazy! I can't decide. Is this the punishment for my sin because I made the wrong choice about ritual?
Sara, Sara, Sara! I could give her everything. Her eyes, voice, scent, laugh, and everything about her were engraved in my soul. I sacrificed my life to see her, and never regretted it. What about my family? I feel responsible. I feel guilty. What if - what if I was changed before I met Sara, would I still choose to become young?
I just flipped the coin. I know that was a stupid idea, but I did it. A head would mean that I have to choose to revoke the ritual and live longer, and a tale would mean I need to stay with Sara for three more days. I uncover my hand slowly. It is a head. This is not right. I laid down and closed my eyes. I thought about my family. I remembered how they were so happy in photos. Can I be in them? Would they let me? Possibly. Everything can change. However, the truth is... they are already happy without me. They don't need me. I do want to say sorry and they need to hear it, but would me trying to be their family again be helpful? I love Sara, and she loved me, too. That's right. At this point, everything I do would be selfish, and I will be selfish. I have a right to make a choice that would make me happy. I can't just vanish without saying goodbye and, if I choose to lose a chance to stay with her, I will regret it for those five years. I won't make any more regrets. Everything is clear now.
I walk down to the living room. Boldo is still up after 3:00 a.m. watching television. I sit down next him.
"Hey. I thought about it." Boldo just nods without looking at me.
"I will just stay like this," I say to him.
"You sure?"
"Yes, I will be with Sara three more days and I will be done. That's what I want and that's best for everyone." Boldo nodded again, but did not say anything more.
"Is there any leftover pizza?" I am feeling hungry.