Ch19
While I was waiting for John, I thought about when I saw Hannah for the last time. I was angry, and I thought it wasn’t fair that my children didn’t love me. I don’t even remember why, but Hannah was yelling at me saying, I don’t need you in my life. It was something like that, and I was yelling at her, too. Neal tried to stop both of us, but I did not listen to him. At that time, I did not understand why she was so upset (I thought I was the one who should be mad). Now that I think about it, maybe Hannah was suppressing many emotions like anger, sadness, and hatred for a very long time. It busted out from her, and she never opened her mind to me.
I did not know why my family was important. What was I looking at? What was I going after?
Why was it so hard for me to love someone or show them love? Was it because of my father? My father was not kind to my family. He drank and fought my mother often, but did not spend much time with us. I realized later that I had become like him. However, that cannot be an excuse. Neal was my brother and he was in the same environment as I was, but he always had good relationships with others. He had a happy family, and lived a great life until he died. Sometimes I found it strange caring for Sara more than anything, because I had never done that before. If I did not like her as much as I do now, would I be unkind to her? However, I couldn’t even imagine myself not loving her.
-R-
Robert heard knocking. When he opened the door John was standing there. Robert smiled at his son and John seemed confused and asked. “Hey, is my father here?”
“Oh, he hasn’t come back yet.”
“Really? That’s weird because my mom said she got his text, but he did not answer my phone calls.”
“Sorry. I am not sure where he is. Did he write back to you?”
“Yes, he did. He didn’t explain much.”
“Do you want to come in?” Robert asked.
“No, I just need to talk to him. Has he called you?”
“No, just emailed. Come in, I will get you something to drink.”
“Alright, thanks.” John walked into the house and said. “It looks much cleaner than before.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah, I dropped by a long time ago, and it was quite a mess.”
Robert was surprised. He visited me before?
“Juice or beer?”
“Just water, please.” Robert brought him a cup of water.
“So…do you have something to say to him?” Robert was wondering why John came.
“Well. I just wanted to talk to him because my sister is sick and he is helping pay the bills. I wanted to say thank you for that.” That made Robert feel good. He wished he could talk to John. He thought it might be a good time for him to talk to John.
“Did he look mad when he left?” John asked.
“No, he wasn’t. I thought he was fine.”
“How long have you known him?”
“Not that long. Just a couple of months. My father knew him and I was looking for a place to live and Robert said he would be leaving for a while and I came here.”
“Where you from?”
“Oh, I am from California.” Robert kept telling John lies, but he did not know what else he could do.
“Ok.” John took a sip of water.
“He actually told me about you and other families, because we talked a little bit,” Robert said to him.
“He did?”
“Yeah. Uh. He said he felt bad about what he did. He was sorry to all of you.”
“Really? He did?” John seemed surprised.
“Yes.”
“Oh. I didn’t really expect that from him.”
“Yeah, he told me that it was very helpful to talk to Dr. Albert.”
“Dr. Albert?”
“Yeah, he was seeing therapist.”
“What? Why?”
“Because he had depression and an alcohol addiction.”
“Oh…I didn’t know that.” John seemed sad when he heard it, and that made Robert feel better.
“Anyway, he was doing well after…” Robert heard Bo was walking upstairs. No, not now! Robert was taken aback, but he could not stop Boldo. Boldo and John saw each other and Boldo just said ‘Hi,’ and went to the kitchen. Fortunately, John did not recognize Boldo with his new hairstyle and without a beard. Robert was relieved.
“After Dr. Albert advised him to go meet people and hobbies, he started getting better.” Robert hardly finished his sentence.
“It’s my friend. He is staying for a while.”
“Is he ok? He is bruised.”
“Yeah, just a stupid bar fight.”
“Well. I have to go.”
“If my father comes, would you tell him to call me?”
“Yeah, for sure.”
“Thanks. See you later.”
Robert watched his son walking away. It’s probably the last time I’ll ever see him. Robert wished he could talk to him more. If I would have talked to him earlier; if I had just said sorry earlier… Robert slowly closed the door.
John called his mother as soon as he got in the car.
“It’s me. I just visited Dad’s house but he wasn’t there. I think something is wrong with him, and actually, I think the young kid that is living in dad’s house was lying to me. I am not 100% sure, but I sensed something weird about the guy and his friend there. I need to do some research about him and dad. Yeah, I will see you at the hospital,” John started his car, and Boldo was watching him over the window.
“He is calling someone. It’s not a good sign.”
“What?” Robert asked.
“He didn’t recognize me, but I think he doubts you,” Boldo said.
“Don’t worry. I will just send him an email that I will be home pretty soon. Well, I guess I would be dead by that time.”
Robert sighed and sat down on the couch. He was surprised that John did not hate him.
“What is a normal family, Boldo, do you know?
“There is no such thing as a normal family. Everybody has their own problems. If you can live together in spite of all that, that’s a normal family.” Robert looked at the place where John sat. He wished he could smile once more at John when he was young.
“I wish I could talk to Hannah and Nancy. If I show up like this, they will never believe me, right?”
“Yeah, they will call the cops right away.”
“I didn’t know that they actually, you know, don’t hate me.”
“Yeah, time solves most problems. As time passes, you get more experiences, and you slowly start understanding other people better, then your anger becomes weaker. In my case, I did not even give it a chance to.” Boldo continued talking. “When I met my wife, I was 14. I still remember that day. If, if she loved me as much I loved her, nothing would have happened. Now I think it is wrong to expect someone to love you back as much as you love that person. However, isn’t it natural for humans to want that?”
Robert could not answer because he did not know the answer. He thought about Nancy. He wondered what Nancy thought while they were together. Did she ever love me?
“Maybe I was the only one who was in love, but not her. Maybe that’s what happened,” Boldo said.
“You don’t know that. Like you said, people change.”
“The sad thing is you can try to love someone, but you can’t force other people to love you back.”
Robert went outside to take a walk. It was dark and the weather was getting cooler. He had lived in the same place for more than 30 years, but he never paid attention to his neighbors. He walked down the road and looked at houses around him. Lights were on in each house. He saw a family watching television together. That’s a good life; it’s a life that when you look back on, you can smile about.
He saw the Sara’s house and felt a hollow feeling in his chest.