I write this note as I lay in bed and I hear screaming - my voice screaming, “I hate you” to God - screaming like a demented fiend. He’s imitated my voice.
I can hear my godson saying my name, but he’s not here with me.
For weeks, he’s been calling me a whore and a liar.
I’ve finally realized he’s a hypocrite. I'm so slow. He keeps telling me to watch what I say. Still asking me questions and trying to expose me in some kind of wrong.
Sometimes I tell myself I’m crazy. I tried that today and while I was driving, on the radio popped up a sermon about Job and how Satan told God that he was walking to and fro on the earth, then somewhere else a friend talked of a pregnant whore (I planned on having a baby this year, but God called me), walk in the house and TV is playing comedy and for the first time ever I hear comedy about the devil. These things all happened in a two hour span.
I dreamed once that I was standing in a crowd of people. We were on the street and everything was gray – gray buildings, gray streets, people moving in a blur, some walking, some running around and there was a lion in the crowd. When it saw me, it came straight for me. I thought it would bite me, but when it got right close, it turned and walked away.
God said, “Why didn’t you attack her?”
I didn’t understand then what HE meant, but now I realize that I wasn’t attacked because God was with me.
Could one being be so wicked? Powers and principalities? I don’t know what that is. Is he just a dark ball of energy - a culmination of all the evil that ever happened in the world that feeds and lives on hapless souls?
God’s waiting for me to scream for him to get off of me.
That’s comforting.
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