Little Specks of Dust

Yesterday, I spent all day working on a transcription file.

I requested an extension because the audio was so poor (I basically had to build the thing from scratch), only to wake up to the fact that I was denied the extension and the file was no longer in my queue.

All that time. All that (mediocre) money.

And here's what He's teaching me: it's not even about the transcription.

It's all about my heart.

I felt like doing my usual thing, and even dipped a toe in it: wallow, wail a bit, wonder why everything is so easy for everyone else except for me (she says as she pours her French press coffee and gets to spend the day in her pajamas).

Sigh...Ericka, Ericka, Ericka.

I tout transparency, but it's hard when you turn the magnifying glass on yourself. I grew up entitled, spoiled, everything handed to me on a silver platter.

And really, the best of intentions were involved (they always are), but I'm learning intestinal fortitude and the will to survive, carry on, push forward at the ripe ol' age of forty (whereas my husband learned it at the age of three while smoking his pack of Camels and hustling marks with "spontaneous" games of pool).

It's funny when you think the thing God gives you is for a specific reason.

Like, right now, we're in a pretty remarkable season of being able to work for ourselves from home. It came with several years of sacrifice to pay off EVERYTHING (cars, house, that loan I took out to purchase a professional tattooing kit...get excited for Christmas this year, Grandma!).

And I was under the impression that this whole transcription shebang was meant to keep some income rolling in and maybe one day allow me to upgrade my kitchen (my dishwasher caught on fire a few months ago, my oven will only auto clean, and I'm only allowed to use one side of my sink because otherwise, I'll flood the house).

And don't even get me started on the ice maker.

But instead, He's showing me that it's not about the money, the new kitchen, all the places I thought I was going. It's about sitting with Him as He uses my situation and circumstances to cleanse those little specks of dust from my heart.

So, I'm not giving up. I've switched gears this morning and am studying for part two of my transcription certification test. And I know that even when more hills and mountains come my way, He'll certainly put them to good use.