by A.C. Fisher Aldag
Part Two – the “C” word!
Last time, we discussed surviving winter holidays in general, and Thanksgiving Day in particular. This time we’ll tackle the big-C … Christmas!
This time of year can be very stressful for those of us who do not celebrate the Christian holiday. Despite the “war on Christmas” discussed in the media, it seems to take over society, invade every aspect of life. It’s on television, it’s in your neighborhood; you can’t escape! However, there are ways to minimize the Christmas aspect and focus on activities, symbols and culture more in keeping with Winter Solstice traditions.
You may feel pressured to decorate your workplace, or take part in a “Secret Santa” exchange or office party. Take the pulse of your job … will you face the label “not a team player” if you opt out? You might want to participate on a level you can stand, such as putting up real holly boughs or glass “witches’ balls”; only you will know the true meaning of the decorations. Greenery, reindeer, Santa Claus, candy canes, candles and elves all have Pagan origins and symbolism. If it’s anathema to your belief system to participate, explain that while you value others’ religious rites, you are unable to take part because of your own religion’s prohibitions. That’s the only explanation you owe. You can probably stand to dress up and eat a catered dinner with coworkers – or you might suggest an office charity, instead. Take up a collection for Toys for Tots or other children’s non-profit, rather than exchanging presents. Or see if coworkers would rather go to a hockey game, or a concert with Yuletide songs, rather than hosting a Christmas party. If you really can’t avoid it, make the best of it. Share something from your culture, such as a recipe or craft. Bring your personal touch to other folks’ holy day.
Children’s school activities are another matter. You might have to tell your youngsters that they’re not to sing songs about Jesus, although you don’t mind them standing silently and respectfully as other kids exercise their right to freedom of religion. This may require some parental intervention on your part – you might have to call a teacher or principal and remind them that religion is not compulsory in a public school. If your kids have to take part in some aspect of Christmas – decorating the classroom, portraying a reindeer in a pageant, or other activity – find something that fits in with Pagan themes. Winter scenes, snow, presents, drawings of candles, deer, stars and sun symbols, and bells are all appropriate for the season, and won’t offend Christian students. Make colored paper chains, cutout snowflakes, decorate with cotton snow, and do various other crafts that are acceptable to Christians, Pagans, and other religious groups. Have your child play the bells or drum while others sing Silent Night. And what a nice time to share your own customs: “On Yule we light candles to celebrate the return of the Sun.”
Many parents face the dilemma about what to tell your kids about Santa Claus. Some families discuss the legend as a cultural aspect – there are many “origins of Santa” stories online. Read them for yourself first; some denounce Santa as demonic, others be cry his Pagan beginnings. Once you’ve found some good origin stories, share them with your kids. Other families emphasize that Santa is a spirit, similar to the guides we magickally depend on, or that Mom and Dad avatar Santa as they give presents to others. “You know when Daddy becomes Cernunnos in a ritual? That’s what we do with Santa, when we put presents under the tree!” You may wish to tell children that the legends are fun stories that people enjoy sharing. Others don’t mind telling children that St. Nick is imaginary, or that Santa is a real being. Think about it, discuss it with loved ones, meditate on it and ask your guides, then have the talk with your children. Most can understand the concept of “real or pretend” around age four. They’ll comprehend the idea of the avatar or spirit around age six or seven. Caution them to not ruin others’ belief by blurting “Santa isn’t real” on the school bus.
There are a few television programs that may be right for your children, including musical or variety shows, tales about kids from various cultures celebrating their holidays, and the more innocuous cartoon specials. However, you may have to explain that the kids on TV are observing a holiday that your family doesn’t celebrate. “Sally’s family believes that Jesus was born in a stable on Christmas.” That might be enough for young people to understand. Look for shows that have values similar to yours – sharing, togetherness – and talk about them with your child. And beware the commercials, which are designed to set off a torrent of “I Wants!” Suggest that your children ask for ONE special toy, and check to see if it meets your standards. Does it have extreme gender bias? Is it made by slave labor? What your child likely desires isn’t the toy itself; it’s more the idea of happily playing with something fun with other kids. You may be able to substitute a toy more in keeping with your values. Or you may be able to suggest an alternative to material things – a trip to an ice rink, a delightful movie, a day at a children’s museum. You could purchase some appropriate books and spend an afternoon reading them aloud with your kids. Likewise, encourage your children to pick out inexpensive yet special gifts for loved ones and friends. Next we’ll discuss the issue of presents … even Pagans who DO enjoy celebrating Christmas with family and friends … might not be able to afford costly gifts this year. We all are feeling a pinch when it comes to the economy. We may have to explain, in advance, that this year, everyone is receiving a handmade present. Or draw names from a hat, set a spending limit, and make the time to find that special present that is perfect for your loved one. Look in import stores, at local craftsmen’s shops, “holiday markets”, the art or historical museum gift shop. Record a mix of music. Crafty Pagans can create a scarf, placemats, or other homemade gift. Other ideas include printing a special t-shirt or cloth grocery bag with an image or message that is just right for your family member, or draw up a certificate for a service. If you can wash Grandpa’s car every week during the summer, this may be more valuable than just another necktie. Or cook something fabulous, and serve it in a pretty container that your family member can re-use.
Okay, the presents are under the tree, and now you have to face the actual Christmas Day celebration. You can try to be tolerant of customs you disagree with – eating meat, buying ugly trinkets, prayers that run for half an hour. Aunt Betty is entitled to believe that the Savior was born on Dec. 25th, and Uncle Ralph might insist on watching hours of football or CNN during dinner. That is their right, and has nothing to do with you. You can choose to remain silent when someone states “Jesus is the reason for the season,” or you can politely say, “Well, actually it’s the Winter Solstice” and change the subject. However, some relatives may express disappointment in your choices, lifestyle, religion or orientation. Keep in mind what is right for YOU. If someone states that “God wants…” you might have to reply, “Yes, that is great for you. I have made a different decision”. You may have to explain that you’re pleased with your life, or that you’re working toward a goal. Share your religion in tiny increments; when your cousin asks sarcastically if you sacrifice babies on the Winter Solstice, smile and say, “We Pagans shared our symbols with Christians, including the tree and mistletoe”. If a loved one is truly interested, give them the “Cliff Notes” version of the Yule sabbat. Should your description encounter genuine hostility, you might want to switch topics – fun Christmas traditions around the world – or simply keep silent. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn in to an argument. “I’m sorry you feel that way, Uncle Jack. How’bout those Red Wings?” Ask if they want to argue, or have fun on the holiday? At the end of this article, there are some resources that include Christmas coping strategies.
If it all becomes too overwhelming, and people seem to be spoiling for a fight, you might wish to take a walk outdoors, and enjoy the neighbors’ light displays. Look for twenty signs of winter. Play with the dog. Or bring along a book to read, something that won’t incite a riot, like poetry, the latest novel, or a history tome. Or find some task that needs doing – a closet to clean, a faucet to fix, a stovetop to scrub. If someone gets completely out of line, such as insisting that your children say a prayer to Jesus or sing a song with lyrics that you disapprove of, or insulting your Gay spouse, or calling you a devil worshipper, you may have to take the high road. Or leave. That’s right, leave.
You do not have to endure a situation that is completely intolerable. If you feel it is necessary, you might want to offer some explanation. “This subject is making you uncomfortable, so it’s best if we cut the afternoon short”. Or if they’ve genuinely hurt you, “We do not get along, and this is difficult for all of us. I am leaving. Have a good holiday.” You might want to follow up with a phone call to relatives who may be sympathetic, and make them aware that it’s not them causing the problem. Suggest that next time, you meet a day or two before their holiday, share a meal or exchange gifts, and visit each other in a less stressful environment.
In the first article, we talked about opting out of holiday celebrations with family, when you truly do not get along, or in an abusive situation. If your relatives insist on telling you that you’re going to hell for being Pagan, Gay, or otherwise somehow different from them, you do NOT have to subject yourself to enduring an entire day of verbal abuse. There are lots of other things that you could be doing:
Participate in a Yule party or not-Christmas dinner with a group of friends. Cook an elaborate dish, hold a potluck. Exchange funny or whimsical gifts. Or participate in some activity you’d all enjoy – watch a DVD of the Ice Capades, go for a horse-drawn carriage ride, rent sleds and find a really big hill, play board games, or listen to a music concert on the radio. Wear whatever you want, from evening clothes to pajamas. Have fun with “family by choice”.
If you have small children, you might want to make an hour appearance at Grandma’s, then do something with another family or on your own. Go to a children’s movie, go ice skating, drive around and look at decorations or a light display, sing songs together, make cookies, play outside together. Do a craft or art project together. Make bird feeders. Read stories, make a tent out of a blanket over a table, bring in flashlights and popcorn.
Find a UU Church or Pagan organization. You may have to travel to a nearby city. Resources such as the Magickal Media calendar page, or the Witches’ Voice events pages at www.witchvox.com can give you information about Winter Solstice events. Make Yule your primary holiday of the season. On the actual Winter Solstice, go outdoors and look at stars, light candles, exchange presents with loved ones, eat a feast. Or choose the weekend prior or after the Longest Night.
Volunteer to serve Christmas dinner at a VA hospital, soup kitchen, women’s shelter, children’s home or hospital, or other charitable organization. Wear a Santa had and red and white clothes or a jingle-bell necklace or bracelet. Advantages are: you won’t have to cook, you’ll meet nice people (both the clients and other volunteers) and you’ll be doing something worthwhile. Or volunteer at an animal shelter.
If all of your family is Christian but you – spouse, children, parents – why not take a day off? Explain that you do not celebrate Christmas, but you will happily spend a different vacation day with them. Then spend Dec. 25th by yourself. There’s no harm or shame in taking a calendar holiday alone, by choice. Take a long hot bath, give yourself a facial or pedicure, watch DVDs of movies that YOU like, read a book in bed, do a project you’ve been meaning to get to, wear whatever you want, perform a ritual that lasts for hours, listen to music, eat food that everyone else in your household dislikes. Or go somewhere by yourself. While many places are closed on Christmas, often truck stops, movie theatres, convenience stores and similar places are open for a few hours (or all day). Many hotels and restaurants owned by East Indian people remain open. If you are in an essential job, work so that Christian people can spend the day with their families. An advantage is that many businesses will pay overtime or holiday pay. Hopefully the boss will reciprocate and offer you a Pagan holiday off from work.
Have a blessed Winter Solstice / braw
Alban Arthan / blod Jul / merry Yule!