There was a time in my life I suffered intense emotional pain. The people close to me whom I trusted, hurt me deeply. In that season, I cried out to God for help. I did not ask God to free me from the pain and the abusive relationships, rather I asked him to help my heart to love and reject any evil seed of bitterness, unforgiveness and hatred. I wanted to overcome evil with good. I prayed continuously for my tormentors. I prayed for their wellbeing and repentance. God did strengthen me. I rose above evil. I suffered evil without becoming evil, rather, I was strengthened in love.
God answered my prayer. My tormentors repented of their evil ways. I forgave them. However, things were no longer the same as before. I did not notice that during the years of torture, I had built a wall of protection for myself. Out of fear, I worked to keep some of their sins in mind, to keep watch for any future possible abuse. “If I completely forget the bad things they did to me, how will I detect and protect myself from any similar forthcoming attack?” I would not let myself forget some events of the past.
I did not know how to trust the Lord.
I knew that I must forgive these people as Jesus has forgiven me. His forgiveness was thorough and complete and kept no memory of some of my bad deeds. But I reasoned, “If I forget their offences (especially the recurrent ones), how will I remember their evil behavior to keep watch over myself in the future?”
The Lord reminded me that “Love does not keep wrongs. It hopes all things, believes all things and bears all things”. He also reminded me that he is the good Shepherd and the giver of Wisdom. After meditating on these words, I destroyed the self-protection wall and emptied my mind of painful memories. I decided:
1) to entrust myself to the Chief and good Shepherd. To trust him to guard and protect my heart from any damaging experience or abuse. I learnt to trust in his rod (that chases away wolves) and his staff (that guides me). I remembered how His love kept me sane and happy even in hurt. There was a day I was hurt bad within, then, I felt someone (the LORD) give me a strong hug that sent warm feelings of love deep in my heart and nullified the pain.
2) to trust the Lord to give me wisdom to deal with all relationships. He sent us as sheep among wolves (Mathew 10.16). He commands us to be wise and innocent. In a wicked world, only the Lord Jesus can give us the kind of wisdom we need to deal with the wicked (James 1.5). I prayed to the Lord to give me wisdom each day.