Lil 'ol me.

My daughter is back in school. This was a prayerful decision and a quick transition, which made it feel like God had it waiting on hold for us.

The reality is sinking in for her and for me. It's bittersweet on my end, and maybe a tad too bitter on hers. I think maybe she's realizing reality is a lot different than the dreams we dream up.

But what a beautifully needed lesson.

She will remain the year regardless of whether she wants to come home or not. A commitment is a commitment, and she'll be able to decide where she wants to be for high school.

We've been a back-and-forth family when it comes to education, and I firmly believe it's because my daughter is a back-and-forth person. And aren't we all? I can't hold tightly to what I vow to do because in that, I'm probably not giving God enough room to move.

So, I don't close the door on traditional education, and I don't close the door on homeschooling either. I think we can get a bit too "one way or the other," and then all of a sudden, doors are shut and we're sitting in a stinking pile that God would have otherwise had us circumnavigate.

I tend to be a "one way or the other" person. And usually that way is my way. But God is showing me the back and forthness of this life. He's showing me seasons and change and that not everything (if anything) is so black and white. That I have to loosen my grip and watch my heart break free, stumbling along into the void known as middle schoolness as I pray, and watch, and have faith that there's someone who is much better equipped to steer this ship than little 'ol me. 

Die on the vine.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:9)

I find that I do end up caring a lot for people. And I find that I thoroughly connect with the ones who are honest with themselves because honesty is my love language.

If a spade's a spade, I'll call it in every bit of detail I can muster.

But then there are those who refuse to see its shape and color.

Being a part of Christ's church has drawn my heart to the understanding that being a good steward of my time and mental energy is also a heavy requirement.

And I'm starting to realize there are those who smugly don't want any ounce of love you're willing to give. They just want to complain about how the world has wronged them, and oftentimes, they'll bitterly hold your attempts at love against you.

So, do we stop loving? Do we stop caring?

No.

I do think, however, we redefine our boundaries. Again, there's only so much time and mental energy that can be spent in a day, and if I'm still administering to someone who enjoys festering in the dismal reality of their own making, I'm not administering to someone bent on repentance. And that's who I can freely give my encouragement to.

I don't believe in giving up on people, but I do believe in reassessing who I've allowed in my small circle and staying firm in Scriptural teaching:

You’re going to find that there will be times when people will have no stomach for solid teaching, but will fill up on spiritual junk food—catchy opinions that tickle their fancy. They’ll turn their backs on truth and chase mirages. But you—keep your eye on what you’re doing; accept the hard times along with the good; keep the Message alive; do a thorough job as God’s servant. (2 Timothy 4: 3-5)

I'm a firm believer in inspiring and encouraging people, not tearing people down because of my own internal shortcomings or living in the squalor of my sin.

I do sin. But I'll never live with a heart of unforgiveness or eyes that are blind to how my actions affect others.

Because if I did, we might as well call the race right now, leaving the harvest to overgrow and die on the vine.