I guess all of this is to say.

Dear Ava,

I once wrote a poem to you from the future. I'm no Marty McFly, so in reality, the poem was from the right now, but it was a vomited strand of all the darkness in my heart in one place.

Adorable.

Since then, I've come to see things differently. I no longer fear being alone, or maybe I embrace it in a way that speaks to the holiness of aloneness.

You've just got to understand how much it takes out of a person to see and process more than is humanly reasonable.

Whenever they develop a pill for something like this, I'll be the first one at the pharmacy.

For now, here are the things I've come to observe and the awareness God's gifted me, although "gifted" is a word I struggle with sometimes, like putting pants on a toddler.