I Guess All This Is to Say by Ericka Clay - HTML preview
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The human bits.
Last night, we went to a worship event our church puts on regularly. We all stood in a circle singing, and I was reminded of hearing someone on a podcast say that when a group of people sing, it's been scientifically noted how their heartbeats sync.
And it reminds me of the beautiful artistry, the in-depth details of God's handiwork.
Even our hearts align.
Moments like these, God uses to peel my layers like dried coats of paint. I'm realizing something about myself: I can often get preachy in my writing.
I really don't mean to. I want to say it comes from a place of love, but I think it often comes from a place of insecurity.
I'm often overwhelmed by the thought of letting people into my life, and I'm not a fan of vulnerability. The strangely ironic thing is that I've been at my most vulnerable at the church we attend, and I've formed strong bonds with those who also have bared their hearts so God can heal them.
It's just that there are others who I'm not often sure about, and I wonder how I stack up in their eyes, which leads to moments of pure panic and anxiety. Which then leads to moments of control via the one thing I'm most at ease doing:
Writing.
And then I remember what God's been saying to me all along:
"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Galatians 1:10)
How often I’ve wanted to stop writing, not because it's what God's asking of me but because I often wonder what others will think because my words aren't heartfelt but tinged with the need to control my environment.
What a horrible way to live.
After prayer and reflection and an awful lot of thought, here's what I know:
God wants me to share my story, not my opinion.
Grace can only be given in abundance if it's not hampered by criticism.
Being quiet is often the most overlooked right choice.
And here's how I'll be applying what I know:
I'm removing the "how to" and sharing only the "here's where I am."
I think grace will abound once I give over the crutch of criticism.
I'm also not recording my thoughts audibly anymore and instead pausing to listen to whatever God has for me and writing out my responses.
It's hard to grow. It's hard to look at the wrong you've done and not justify it.
But if I truly believe my talents are for His glory, then I have to be willing to pick out the human bits that are often strewn in like stray olives and enjoy the dish as He intended.