Even So

Yesterday, I took a test to assess how I ranged on a scale for autism traits.

I scored a 38 out of 50.

Things on that test that I feel in my soul:

• Sticking to routines to feel regulated and more comfortable.
• Having to have everything organized to function.
• Preferring to be alone versus being in social situations
• Extreme difficulty adapting when there’s a change in plans.
• Challenging to engage in small talk (I cope with this by asking people a million questions so I don’t have to talk about myself.)
• Highly focused on my own thoughts or ideas (my first home is my head).

There were several others. The ones I didn’t connect with involve social interactions and the inability to grasp humor.

Which, I think is probably indicative of being higher functioning, more in the Aspergers category even though that’s no longer a thing apparently, but I kinda wish it were.

Anyways, why am I even taking the time to write this? Because the words “even so” are written on my heart.

I can’t tell you how many times in my past I was knocking on death’s door. And I realize it was because I felt so different than other people (specifically other women) that I told myself that I wasn’t meant to be in this world.

I must have been a mistake.

But even so...

• Even though I listened to the lies, God kept sharing His truth with me.
• Even though I felt alone, I wasn’t as He sat with me in my misery.
• Even though my brain had (and still has) trouble grappling with a myriad of things, He shares His grace through all my cracks and always leads me back to Him.

So, whatever you might be struggling with, discovering about yourself, discovering about others or the world in general, He won’t fail You.

He’s the only One who can bring us peace.