​74. A Lonely Heart Seeking

My fingers are cold. There’s a chill that almost sizzles inside of me.

There’s the old me watching the new one, and it lurks deep in its dark closet. I try to pull up the blinds, shepherding the sun at its sneering face.

But sometimes, they’re stuck, and I sit heavy in my sin. I pet the head of something that wants nothing more than to bite me.

So here’s what I’m going to do:

I’m going to pray for the wisdom that seems to have left this world, its place a vacant hole for lust and greed and the need for self-satisfaction.

I’m going to read the Book that was written for you and me, not reworking it with my own ideologies as a white American female of the 21st century but a lonely heart seeking the hand of her Maker.

I’m going to submit myself completely to Jesus, and instead of using this commitment as a source of pride and a way to shame those still petting the heads of their sins, it will solely be a catalyst of love for the lost and redeeming grace.

I’m going to open the closet door and watch my sin yelp its way out of my heart.