​35. A New and Familiar Beat

I like the way control feels. I like to shape my world, cup it in my hands.

I like the perfect angle, fitted pieces in a complete puzzle. I like all the things inside this damaged heart of mine.

And so I take to cutting them out with a smooth and sharpened scalpel. The idea of perfection and withheld love and breath that molests my sensibilities.

I weigh and catalogue and categorize each one. I mark its place on the altar. I ask God for forgiveness. A simple retraction of all that I’ve held onto as truth.

It hurts more than an infected tooth and more than an arthritic spasm.

It’s soul-level deep, and now all the parts of me are empty and cavernous.

So I pray that He will hold my heart and fill it to overflowing.

That He’ll reset it with a new and familiar beat.