she smiled, mostly with her eye-brows.
"Yes. And, when I sent it off, I don't believe anyone had time to notice, as there was nary a response, even when I called them on the telephone weeks later--the same people who used to encourage me to recite my poems. Now, I guess because I am not financially successful, it is as though I am ancient history, not to be heard from again in this life-time."
"Angus, we will worry about your poems later,"
Elisha took control; "right now we must save skiers'
lives, and I am going to help you. We will figure this dilemma out: you shall repackage your ski manual information slightly--some way to get the ball rolling, perhaps not in book form to begin with. Your ski manual is perhaps ahead of its time, with so many others still piecing through, as I have heard you mention, the Dead Skier Scrolls. Angus, your tome on skiing and teaching shall have an ally other than one measly greatest skier who may not be around forever--the common people, and rather than a few ski-town snobs-
--to make promotion and marketing that much easier for the skiers and especially the teachers to swallow. . .
. Remember even JC's message was not welcomed in his own home-town. Somehow, Angus, you must get their attention . . . and then tell the students and less-seasoned instructors where you are coming from, which is from your heart; and you must do it in such a delightful way that even your strongest critics will want to subscribe before they even know what hits them. You could infiltrate the glossy magazines with your fine ski-boy poetry before hitting them with a se-rialized version of your manual--no, that would take
The Greatest Ski Teacher In the West -- 75
too long."
Angus sat quietly, contented that finally a true friend was brain-storming his problem. It was just too tragic that the death of a friend had to bring this about:
". . . There must be a way! and we shall find it! And then you must let them smell the camel dung--or rather horse manure--you had to shovel on your long journey to discipline and freedom and self-respect. . . . I've got it!" she finally jumped: "the scarf around your neck, Angus!--every wrangler, cowboy, and cowgirl has one around their neck for much of the year, just like the one you are wearing this day. and it looks as though you yourself may be ready for a new one, as that one has been used countless times . . . as a water strainer, bandage, handkerchief . . . as well as the constant rubbing on your neck to keep you warm or to keep the sun off your skin--"
"Yes, Elisha; but what does a frayed and wrinkled silk scarf have to do with my ski books betting published?"
"Angus!" she leaned forward, putting her hand on his knee, "our own Cow Patty of Leana, Coltana, is the woman responsible for the manufacture and sales and distribution of virtually all silk scarves to be seen in cowboy culture all over the Broncy Mountain West and into Texas and Oklahoma--some cowboys have as many as a dozen scarves hanging from their hat-n-coat rack. Cow Patty has told me that sales have leveled off the past few years, even gone downhill slightly; and she has further informed me, with the high cost of living and so many kids and young relatives in her family hoping to attend college, she wishes to find new markets for her products, the silk scarves."
"Why, yes, I see," Angus was finally catching on,
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"and you believe that I need not be the only ski-boy in the Broncy Mountain West to don a silk scarf rather than a turtleneck. Why, yes! Just as my ski students have grease-penciled my sayings onto a cheap scarf, . . .
with silk-screen printing, we can print on thousands of scarves: all this Savvy Ski-boy's Secret Silver Sayin's for Skillful Skiin' !"
"Yes! Millions even! . . . But they won't be kept a secret anymore, . . . and they don't have to be silver or gold or any of that--I know: . . . A Savvy Ski-boy's Several Silky Sayin's for Skillful Skiin'. No longer will they remain hidden between the lines on the computer disc or your masterpiece ski manual, One Good Turn Deserves Another, as your students have already noticed many times--your own words refashioned to adapt and improvise with the situation."
"Why, yes, I understand now--and there are seven chapters in my ski manual anyhow, not just 'several'; and, using poetic license, I can say that I found them scrolled up on parchment or papyrus or something in an old ski-pole shaft above the Great Silt Lake up on Mount Sparta, where I found most of the petroglyphic drawings for my ski manual," he laughed.
The both sat smiling for awhile, pouring more coffee, . . . while pondering and savoring the new plan.
"Why, yes, that is brilliant," Angus resumed. "--Assuming this Cow Patty will allow my words to be printed on her fine silk."
"She will, and she knows a fine calligrapher," Elisha reassured him, "and I shall call on her today. She has all the silk material and everything she needs to make thousands of silk scarves at a time, and she can pay for the adverteasing in well-read publications such as Western Ski-man Magazine; all you will need to do is
The Greatest Ski Teacher In the West -- 77
provide her with your seven silky sayin's . . . and help her design the adverteasements. --She will give you a nice percentage in royalties, which you can later use to print and promote your most thorough fine books. . . .
If we get started right now, with the whole spring and summer and fall to manufacture and market millions of silk scarves, we will be done in time to have your teaching around people's necks by fall and on the shelves by next winter, just in time to save innocent skiers' lives!"
"Why, yes! I must admit I have often felt like wringing someone's neck over the struggle to teach skiing the way it ought to be taught. But never did I dream that the self-inflicted silk sold to them for real money is the way to go," Angus laughed.
". . . Then," Elisha asked, "assuming your scarves and soon-after books are successful, . . . will you go back to the bustling ski-towns?"
Angus stopped to ponder her question--the same question he had pondered so many times before, but had never before really had to answer. . . . "I don't know. We live in an age of competition, superficiality, and manipulation, and the people will buy what they want--and I have been so discouraged until now. To tell the truth, I want to live everywhere; but, often when I am skiing, I miss these wide-open spaces; and I will not live somewhere where I am not welcome. --
All I can do is the best I can at what it is I do . . . and then present my books, or scarves, in the market-place-
-with or without the Roamin' Ski School's blessing. --
When the telephone rings, I shall be ready and willing to go to the commercial areas to give clinics . . . anywhere they'll have me, and I will know the students who call . . . want to learn my particular version of it,
78 -- THE GREATEST SKI INSTRUCTOR IN THE WEST
not just anybody's; . . . if the telephone does not ring, so be it, as I will not force my teaching upon unwilling students."
"The lure of extreme skiing is like that of the Skirens luring ships into the rocks. Angus, let's Thank God it is finally your time to package your material as best as you can and offer it in the market-place without further delay. --Then maybe you can help prevent some of those recreational racers hitting trees . . . and would-be extreme skiers crashing into rocks! Now, we have an old line-rider's shack . . . where you can work undisturbed . . . as long as it takes . . . to condense and polish your seven savvy sayin's--hey, we will call it the
'line-writer's shack.'"
"But, Elisha," Angus paused, ". . . what about my chores of packing snow for the ranching people here and the irrigation farther east? What of your near-drought conditions? and what if there could be a bigger drought coming yet?"
Never mind that, Angus. Ira was one of our hands, and we should not have lost him. So go now . . . to clearly condense and package all that you know . . .
into seven silky sayin's. I will inform Cow Patty.
Now: to the line-writer's shack!--Go! I beg of you!"
The Greatest Ski Teacher In the West -- 79
The TURN COMMANDMENTS of the Ski-School Gods
For all you skiers n teachers not reaching your full potential, here's why:
I
Thou shalt not have any other Ski-School Gods before us, as we, the Lords your Gods, are jealous and greedy Gods; and Thou shalt not take PSIA's name in vain, nor tell the truth about PSIA or our Pyramid-Scheme Ski Schools. (--You can covet them though.)
II
Thou shalt buy ski boots too tight even with thin socks, so that your feet may often be cold and numb; and, once your boots "pack-out" in thirty-five days or so, thou shalt buy a new more-expensive pair. (Hence SnowBoarding, so that the Ski Gods look even more elite.)
III Thou shalt be confused about ski technology, full of smoke-n-mirrors and planned obsolescence, often having skis too short for your stability and braking needs. When ski technology gets double-easy, PSIA shall legislate ski techniques quadruple-difficult (--that is, less wedging or stemming, too much carving, less pole-work, and too much contrived technique assigned to the inside ski).
IV Thou beginning skiers shalt not be allowed to snowplow or wedge for their initial speed control and gradual-turning needs, because most teachers don't know how to let you let-go of this when the time comes (--it takes confidence and momen-tum to not wedge or stem).
V
Thou beginning skiers shalt not be allowed the benefit of ski poles in their first lesson, for ease of getting skis on-n-off and balancing, because most teachers don't know how to introduce poles, and because many rental-shop employees don't like dealing with poles (--they make poles sound evil). (Hence more dysfunctional SnowBoarding.)
VI Thou shalt be taught to carve more turns than skid, even though carving does not slow you down (unless you dangerously ski uphill, against "the Code," like a runaway truck ramp). Thou shalt be taught to carve "equally" on the inside ski, even though this is not possible since it has a tighter-radius turn, and even though learning independent-leg-action and favoring the outside ski more is safer and more efficient. (Any time you cross your tips or do the splits, it's probably because there's too much weight on the inside ski.)
VII Thou shalt not know about the benefits of intermediate-hardpack linked side-slips for understanding speed-control, . . . nor skidded short-swing turns simulat-ing the steep-n-narrow. (When was the last time you saw someone going too fast on totally-turned-skidded skis?)
VIII Thou advanced skiers shalt not know the prized secret blocking pole-plant to help you link short turns in powder, crud, and moguls, and to help you have speed-control down the steep-n-narrow. (You can't be quicker without this earliest of pole-plants.)
IX Thou shalt be led to believe that "parallel skiing" is the main goal, even though parallel is the most natural position for your feet to begin with; and Thou shalt not realize that it is okay to independently stem a ski and do One-Good-Turn-at-a-time even in an advanced class whenever going to a new steepness or snow condition.
X
Thou more cautious and sensitive ski students and low-ranking instructors shalt be deemed "head cases" without access to the banished wiser gentler teachers like GARY HEINS ; and Thou shalt always be shown how difficult skiing is rather than how easy it can be.
#
80 -- THE GREATEST SKI INSTRUCTOR IN THE WEST
A Savvy Ski-boy's Seven Silky Sayin's -- 81
A Savvy Ski-boy's
Seven Silky Sayin's
For Skillful Skiin'
Angus was sitting at the computer in the line-writer's shack starting on his new urgent project, A Savvy Ski-boy's Seven Silky Sayin's for Skillful Skiin'.
He sat all morning that first day with nothing to show for it on the computer screen. the seven savvy sayin's were already written basically, but they were mostly disguised as seven chapter headings . . . and hidden or supported by thousands more sentences and more-specific savvy sayin's. Seldom did he ever experience skier's block, but today he was definitely experiencing writer's block. His ski manual was so well-finished, it was what many would consider . . . set in stone; how he would refashion his words without disrupting the integrity of his three-quarter-inch-thick tome was still a mystery. --And how many savvy sayin's would he ul-timately end up with?--the ideal seven? ten? and, as he did not believe in wasteful redundancies, what if it turned out to be a measly four or five? --No, it would have to be seven, and they could not be contrived--Elisha knew this, and she is not even the writer. And would each savvy sayin' deserve its own scarf?--no, that would be too dangerous, as the sayin's would be broken up as a family and could be misused or taken out of context. The seven savvy sayin's and their main title would have to all fit on one silk scarf; and, with so
82 -- THE GREATEST SKI INSTRUCTOR IN THE WEST
few words, he would have to write every word . . . as if it could be his last.
In his restlessness and boredom, Angus picked up a farmer's almanac that was lying on the desk and started thumbing through it. "I really need to have students with me," he thought, "in order to think like the teacher I am. It is futile to think I can teach properly without someone who is there with me to learn, even as a falling tree in the forest cannot make a sound without someone's ear-drums for it to bounce off of, . . .
or a lover without a mate." The gears of Angus's mind were always turning.
He came across the section in the almanac about the weather forecast for the rest of the coming year . . .
and noticed an alarming prediction he had been suspecting for some time. The almanac said that the spring would bring normal amounts of presopitation, to the already-dry region, good for packing snow, but the summer and fall months for the eastern slope and the great plains would be much hotter and dryer than normal, and next winter may bring very little snowfall.
"What will happen to the farms and ranches," Angus wondered, "if the hotter and dryer season follows only normal presopitation? . . . Oh, no! I must warn the others; and I should be working skiing right now instead of playing with more writing! as the farms and ranch-lands will need more-than-usual snow-pack for summer irrigation and watering of the stock. There are so many more lives at sake here than a few measly would-be extreme skiers--what with the farmers and ranchers themselves, not to mention all the easterner who buy their food and other goods." He decided not to panic, which could induce even greater panic in all the other ranchers, so he sat quietly the rest of the af-
A Savvy Ski-boy's Seven Silky Sayin's -- 83
ternoon, pondering what could be done, while half-heartedly trying to write his first silky sayin'.
Elisha greeted him in the ranch kitchen as he came back to the main house in time for supper. "How's it going?" she asked. "Did you get as many lines written as you can ski in a day?"
"Not quite," answered Angus. "It has not been a very provocative day, I am afraid."
"What is wrong?" she asked, in an atmosphere kind of like the troubles Tom Burlinson goes through in The Man From Snowy River or Jeff Fahey encounters in the movie Wrangler, only in more rustic setting.
"It seems I need actual skier students to help turn my brain in order to write down a savvy ski-boy's seven silky sayin's; one cannot write down his true feelings without actually experiencing them, and it has been many months since I had skier students with me."
"Well, you are a writer," she encouraged, while handing him some plates to set on the table; "I am sure the words will come soon. Why do you seem so troubled?--I'm sure you have had much greater challenges in your writings before, like with the weekly-column dead-lines you once heard about."
". . . There is something else: . . . the farmer's almanac says we are in for our hottest and driest summer and fall ever, and after a winter of only normal snowfall. This ranch country is too dry already, I understand, from the last few decades, when too much snow-melt has already been diverted and liquidated to the S-pools of the rich in the city of Damascus. The current ski season is not far from being over, and I should be skiing probably more than writing."
Elisha gave him a concerned look, but then she
84 -- THE GREATEST SKI INSTRUCTOR IN THE WEST
smiled. "Well, don't worry. You finish setting the table, and we'll have a nice dinner. I'm sure things will work out. Maybe we can figure something out while we are not yet thinking of starving to death. the weight of the world's problems does not rest on your shoulders alone, Angus; if we have another Dust Bowl, I'm sure you will be able to wax your skis philosophic and survive better than the rest."
"Yes, maybe that is what bothers me."
. . . At supper, Elisha's husband Kent watched Angus as he just poked his food and hardly ate. "Angus,"
he said, "I understand you are not content with your present writing situation. And you are perhaps more worried about our grass-lands and horses and cattle . . .
than you are about helping your fellow skiers."
"Yes, that is my dilemma."
"I do not know for sure what this project of yours entails, but, if you would indulge me for a moment, I believe I may have a simple solution to both of those problems."
"Yes?!" Angus perked up.
"If you need ski students to help you write a savvy ski-boy's seven silky sayin's, and, if we need more snow-pack for the coming hot-and-dry seasons, . . .
then why don't you teach Elisha and myself and a few other ranchers from the area . . . how to ski? Maybe you can pack more snow than all of us combined, but we can sure try to do our part. To help record and il-lustrate your message, we do not own a video camera, as the Carverights probably do where you used to spend your summers, but Elisha here can take a small tape-recorder and record everything that transpires, your work will be pretty much written before you even get to the typewriter or calligrapher or what have you.
A Savvy Ski-boy's Seven Silky Sayin's -- 85
. . . What say you?"
". . . Why, yes!" Angus agreed with excitement,
"that is the perfect solution! Yes, we can get the snow packed as much as we possibly can, even while recording the seven silky sayin's! And it does not matter that we do not have a video camera, as too many ski films is part of the problem anyhow, as they fail to key in on and accurately discuss the abstract points that get people thinking for themselves. The popularity of the ski films and glossy magazines, I believe, is nothing more than the Roamin' authorities going off on so many tangents that the common skiers may not grasp the intangible truths about their own skiing abilities."
"Why, yes," added Elisha. "Kent here was just commenting the other night, after four consecutive nights watching TV's Lonesome Dove, 'The moving picture is often only a ninety-minute diversion to make people lazy--and we have far more diversions than we used to,--and the book that gets people moving is always better than the moving picture that keeps them sitting still.'"
"Well, it is settled then," said Kent, touching his napkin to his lip. I will tune up the old snow-mobile cat to help take us up the more accessible reaches of Mount Sparta, but Apollo G may remain your own personal company vehicle, Angus. And Elisha can call the other ranchers on the telephone tonight, and we will line up our first meeting tomorrow. I am sure, considering the drought conditions ahead, we shall find more than enough ski students to help you cover all the important sides of your subject."
"We will want to have our first meeting indoors, tomorrow night then," said Angus, "so that we may assess where everyone is at in their skiing experience,
86 -- THE GREATEST SKI INSTRUCTOR IN THE WEST
as some have tried skiing in the past, with or without success, and some have not--and we shall ask that the more proficient students try to help the less proficient.
Further, we will want to find ski equipment for everyone; and we may require the services of our good friend Anvil, the horse-shoer, for any repairs needed on damaged or neglected ski bottoms, which highly resemble horses' hooves; and we may need to see the saddle-maker for ski-boot and binding adjustments and repairs. Used outside-zipper powder pants are not hard to come by, and the students can wear them just like leather chaps." He stopped to relish what was happening, as he could see important things getting done. . . . "'Almosta Ski Area' . . . we'll call it."
They held their first meeting at Suzy' Bar-n-Grill, the local Temple of Learning, if you will, on main street in downtown Leana, which was centrally located between most of the concerned ranchers. Suzy's Bar is where the ranchers and townspeople met in times of great difficulty; and this is where Angus happened to meet Elisha and Kent when they came to town to post an ad looking for a new wrangler. As everyone finished dessert, Elisha stood up in the most visible corner by the wood stove and made the opening remarks:
"Thank you, everyone, for coming tonight. As you may know, our purpose here tonight is two-fold. First, since hearing of the terrible tragedy of our own Ira involved in a severe skiing accident at the commercial skiing area Mount Babylon, we are here to help seasoned ski instructor, Angus, to complement his much-needed but as-yet unsold downhill skiing manual One Good Turn Deserves Another, with an informative and promotional work involving a savvy ski-boy's seven
A Savvy Ski-boy's Seven Silky Sayin's -- 87
silky sayin's for skillful skiin'. Angus has taught at several great ski areas, including Athens Mountain, Mount Babylon, and Ski Area Del Rey; and we are fortunate to have him now here at what he calls affectionately . . .
Almosta Ski Area on our own Mount Sparta. . . . I guess you could say . . . he's been to the mountain and back--many times."
There were positive and cheerful mumblings around the room, as many ranchers did not know until now of Angus's background.
"Further," Elisha continued, "we are here to discuss the upcoming crisis of the possible severe drought ahead and how, through our own downhill skiing, we may ward it off by packing enough snow to slow the spring-thaw snow-melt so that it may longer last throughout the hot and dry summer and fall and all the way until the first snows of next winter. Now, since the packing of the snow at most of the commercial areas is not upstream in-line with our hay-fields and pastures--most of our moisture comes from Mount Sparta,--and since he has been more or less exiled from the commercial ski-area environment, our good friend Angus . . . has diligently been packing snow on Mount Sparta all winter long while many of us down here feed our winter stock and spend the rest of our time watching Geraldo and re-runs of the OJ Simpson Trial and catching c