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H O N E Y M O O N

BEATA MOŁDOCH

BEATA MOŁDOCH

Copyright © 2023 by Beata Mołdoch

at some point

even the change in the weather began to frighten me

overwhelmed by pressure

and fear

i was losing ground

which was never stable anyway

they won't stay with you if they want to move on

you will not stop anyone by force nor with requests

sometimes even love is not enough for someone to stay

you shrug your shoulders just as the wind

moves the branches of the trees

your 'too late'

was never literal

i tried to look for a chance in it yet

how wonderful it is to be able to call my body my home my refuge

my armor

my everything

my body is for me

'almost'

always contains inaccuracies

that you put into every sentence you utter

i wish you

that you find your inner self inside of another person

affinity of souls

is much stronger

than kinship of bodies

i learned to limit the word 'never'

and 'always'

no more going back to old bad habits no more going back to toxic relationships no more returning to emptiness and hunger

but nothing is a certainty

humbly hoping

that bad things will not return i don't know if i've matured enough to win against them again

you crush ice cubes you crush women's hearts

depression is like a waterfall you swim with the current of water you get used to the whirlpool of water that swamps you

suddenly you are falling down you notice where you are

all over again

i idealize the future i tire of the past

the past really torments me

i try to see the present

in colors other than those

that i have already come to know

you were born alive but do you feel alive - functioning

now

in this one moment

focus on your breathing

i find the pressure of society paralyzing

'to have as much as possible

to be more than'

than

who?

let yourself to be yourself move along your route

the path you take in accordance with your heart and conscience will be the only suitable

and good for you

don't let yourself be stifled by someone who falsely thinks

what will be best for you

become what you want

but remain a good human

i'm afraid

that i won't live up to the demands and expectations of someone

who is not even care of me

i move to the rhythm of the music that we used to listen to together i don't refuse myself to revisit old songs even though they tear my heart out every time

as soon as i hear the first notes

you ask me

what my expectations are from you i don't know

just be beside me

i've been taught

to not expect too much

high expectations

are further disappointments

that fate has in store for me

i wrote hundreds of poems and letters for you

which you never received

we ran out of time

now i understand why you value nature so much

vegetation and all of that

all that has been created

without human intervention

you are looking for things

that are real and unaffected by human you are looking for peace

where peace grows together

with the crops

hundreds of books you have read will not protect you from suffering knowledge is no substitute

for human contact

knowledge is no substitute

for feelings and disappointments if not a human will inflict pain on you loneliness will take care of it

i don't know if i will be able to to bestow only friendship on you what if

i want more

what if

my body wants more

your whispers were the most pleasant sound

i will try not to break your heart the way as it was mine broken

when love was involved

your expectations of me were less than my expectations of myself i ran away

afraid

that this might change

and i wouldn't be able

to make you happy enough

to make you stay longer

what are you going to do

with my heart

that i give you on the palm of my hand

in the realm of nonsense i'm still looking for something real and decent

whether it's paranoia

or desperation

but are all those who say that love should not be sought because it will come by itself are they really right

maybe happiness should be helped since we conquer mountains and peaks we can conquer love too

your voice sounds better when you speak words

filled with warmth and goodness

i'll tell you all my crying stories if only

you ask for it properly

like roses equipped with thorns so your intentions are equipped with devastating words

directed in my direction

feeling of cold has become closer to me

than the feeling of security

i believed

that i wouldn't be able to fall in love with anyone

until you showed up

and you dispelled all doubts

now

without you

i'm back to square one

i shout very silently and you read all the signs

how incredible is the kinship of our souls as if we were

one body

one mind

one breath

in two chests

he was not a good listener was not a good answer

to all my questions

nevertheless

i idealized him every time

when i asked him

where he was in all those situations in which i needed anyone

your hands wrap around my body your words entwine my mind

speak to me

i will accept everything

he told you

that everything was going to be okay when at the same time he was planning that he was going to leave you

i would like to cry 'for' you not for you

there's a difference

i saw him smiling at the moment when he was talking about another woman

i really hope

that he is with someone

that he is happy with someone but i can't bear it

this sight tears my heart apart this sight is tearing me apart who else will touch my mind like him i know and i try to believe

that he didn't mean to hurt me or i'm just getting high on these his lies i didn't ask him to 'live' for me i didn't ask him to 'die' for me i just wanted him to be with me

he was a little older and he had more experience

he told me some stories

that i understood only when

when he was no longer around

all good things come to an end quickly and everything we care about

quickly flees

you make me start lying to create the appearance of perfection

perhaps i could have loved truly but only this one time

every next one won't be like this first

love comes and goes the whole love process

goes through various changes

love sometimes passes away

like the seasons

sometimes it stays and deals blows love is dangerous enough in itself

you don't see the difference between 'caring' and 'being curious'

and that's a big difference

even no longer being close to you i can still see

how instead of me

you treat others badly

it's not right

even 'friendship'

can be a rose with thorns

entangled in your constant promises lies and confidences

i don't know in the end

who you are anymore

i don't know who we are to each other

you can promise her the whole world without even giving a piece of the floor

his ignorance was a daily occurrence

bad moments

are more memorable

than the good ones

therein lies the paradox

so how to focus on the positives when i carry all the past inside me

many times i thought that without you

there would be no part of me

i was wrong

i have never felt more relieved giving up your company

i still naively believe that since everything around you is maturing

you will eventually do it too

you don't see the problems even there you create them by yourself and your subsequent promises

cut my soul

like thorns cut skin

i already know by heart all your hopeless excuses

and explanations

that you put into sentences

more often than commas

your words are stuck in my memory the smell of that air

raindrops of one day

and the rays of the sun the next nothing will look and sound alike anymore

is it possible that with your departure also take away a part of me

that i can't function without

you say

that you want to be with me now but at the same time

you hold the hand of another woman my sad expression on face

hidden under blood-red lipstick your heavy words

like bullets

passing through tissue and bone

when you saw my tears you weren't even sorry

you looked away

to hide your indifference

you never had much love in you that's why you couldn't give it to me at the moment

when you wanted to give it

also to another woman

woke up at 4 a.m.

lost my phone somehow the night before i don't know where i am

i'm bouncing off the walls

sober eyelids

tired head and body

you drive me to self-destruction every time whenever you appear

and quickly disappear

obliterating all traces of your presence

you took what you wanted and you ran away in the opposite direction

erasing yourself after you is not a way out

your DNA is not what defines you your background is not what defines you you are the whole universe

you create it and mean as much as it does

depression

kills you

like a slowly moving knife

driven into your temple

i tried to get rid of myself too many times

how can i promise anyone

that i will never go back to that state again

the loudest voice in my head won't let me stop

to think about you

you don't want to spend five minutes with me

while i

wanted to almost give you

my whole life

on trains

i'm staring at unfamiliar faces it's lip-reading unfamiliar stories

i feel alive only when when i almost lose my life

this is the greatest addiction and adrenaline

to love and hate at the same time

how many times have you tried to look at the sun

without squinting your eyes

someday i'll tell you how over the last two decades i tried to live

and survive

how often 'I love'

ceases to matter

when it is uttered

without pure intentions

so how can i give you more when even 'everything'

is still not enough for you

what if

there is no right and wrong

and there is only something in between

first he scratched my old wounds after which he sprinkled them with sea salt i didn't react

as if it was already familiar to me

you immerse your attention in black thoughts

you disturb your head in the wrong arms

you have already left me so many times how can i believe

that this time you will stay

you have abused my trust

you have also used up the limit of my patience

and hope

i can't accept you in my life yet again

i am constantly tearing up old pain as if i were looking for

anything good

in the past

that has already been written in one

unchanging scenario

my relationship with myself

is like dancing on the edge

i love and hate myself

alternately

I reach a point

where i stop feeling anything i just want a momentary peace i wish my eyelids were no longer so heavy and my hands don't shake

under the weight of thoughts

you're not just looking for another man you are looking for someone

in the likeness of 'that one' man who stayed in your thoughts

and created in his image

ideal

whom you will never find

and you are well aware of this but you still do not stop in your search

i don't answer your calls because i am overwhelmed by fear i don't want you to get close to my soul which until now

i have come to know

completely only by myself

i am afraid

that you won't understand my other world my other identity

that i possess

what more can i do since I've lost your attention i can't talk endlessly

since you have stopped listening and look in my direction

don't play with the emotions of the person who gives you affection

of any kind

respect everything

that the other person gives you everything you give

will come back to you sooner or later

i will wipe away your tears even if you

will be the cause of my

mint in your mouth should be tasted

only by one woman

what you don't understand in all this

don't ever tell me again that you will be there for me when i need it

too many times

you walked out the moment

the moment I reached out my hand towards you

i see you as if through a fog how can you assure me

that you are still close to me

in high school, i was more of a loner hiding behind a mask of companionship spending time with people

who didn't even know me

all for show

your words

sway through my thoughts

like leaves in the wind

i can't choose just one

of all

as if i were torn between

what is right and pleasant

desire for freedom

you make promises to people who put their hope in you

and then you let them down

again and again

and they

forgive you

because you are only human

i would like to get as much understanding as much as you get

this year will go on like your old habits

that you don't want to change so as not to lose a part of yourself

i don't feel like i've lost any battles nor have i won any victories

maybe the very lessons i am experiencing are a lesson and a reward for me at the same time

in a world

in which so many things are fragile please

that subsequent situations

don't take away my will to continue fighting

and maybe justice

is not waiting around the corner for everyone

maybe karma doesn't exist

and it's just a series of coincidences or strangely good and bad coincidences what we later call atonement

for wrong or good deeds

i want to believe

that just judgments exist

and that everything that happens does not happen without a greater cause in itself

my salty tears didn't interest you as much

as you firmly assured me

it is not easy to be a good friend it's a full-time job

is a test of loyalty

empathy

and everything

what you haven't even thought of

that pressure you carry on your back makes

makes your knees buckle

and your eyes fill with salty liquid how big a price you are paying for where you are now

whether you are able to trust again

to those blue eyes

even snow is associated with pure white while it is dirty

you have inflicted more pain on me than the thorns of red-hot roses which were digging into my delicate hands and if i were to undo everything what you said

i would rather not touch you at all i wish you would ever know

how much of a poison you were to me even if from the outside

you looked like a wonderful cure

i see you even when when i lower my eyelids

and it's hard to fool my mind but it's so easy to fool my eyesight

and once again you allowed yourself to be drawn into tender promises

and assurances that it is real and unique in itself

take a breath

because life goes on

and he, will not return

even though you beg for his return the whole universe

in your words you included something

which turned out to be a lie

you burned out of your emotions faster than any of my candles

if he leaves you don't let yourself be torn apart into thousands of pieces

let this pain

break you into two parts

which are easier

to glue into the original whole

and the sixth day of the week has become my anticipated

of all the other days

only then you had time for me how 'blind'

'in love'

and unhappy i was

you hold her tightly in your arms

but you need someone

who will hold your arms too

you look into my eyes but you don't see all the depth that i unsuccessfully try to convey to you since even words are helpless what of my gaze

which is just a look to you

without depth or words

warm-July evening or blood-chilling-February

morning or twilight

sweet or salty

it all doesn't even matter anymore at the moment when all i feel is sorrow for someone

who doesn't even care about me at all

don't wait for him at the door don't wait for his call

hoping that this time - it's him and i know it hurts you

but you have to move on

even if it's hard to lift your crying body from the floor wet with tears

passing more stations lamp posts

and saddened faces on the streets i was just waiting for the moment in which i will see you again even if

already the last time

it's nothing if the flowers from him wither worse if it happens to his feelings

if i could only take away your worries would you stay longer then?

or maybe that will be

still not enough for you

i chose you

and you

punished me with silence

what a great blessing and curse at the same time

the power of the heart

which sometimes even naively believes that 'this time'

will not be broken

and trusts again

truly loves

after which it dies again

the universe has placed the blue of the sky in your eyes

you are indifferent to heaven or hell while every day

you experience the storm

you sink and float to the surface weakened and bored

with permanent sadness

which has nested in your soul and does not leave it

as if it was already written for her

don't run away from love it finds you

and will blind you

so that you feel a piece of paradise before it is turned into hell

i heard this tune on the radio and i really wanted

for you to listen for at least a moment as i try to hum it

but you were already in another place busy listening to the sounds

coming out of other mouths

i reject from myself all other hands that don't belong to you

even if they wouldn't hurt me like yours

i don't want them

why do i still desire only you the moment you threw me into the abyss i climb the sloping wall of rock knowing that you did it deliberately

i am constantly trying i trust new hands

i give my heart

open like a lotus flower

after which i choke with tears love scares me

and at the same time i want it with all my body and all my soul how long will i continue to fall asleep -

crying

before someone

this time truly

will love me

the fear i face falls silent whenever you are around you extinguish the fire of fears in me and at the same time

you ignite my soul and body

no one can compare to you only your mind and your body

wakes me up and puts me to sleep at the same time

i'm not sure

whether i will stay alive

when one day

you just disappear

when everyone around deprived me of the sun

you became the brightest star in my solar system

i was not too young to love you i was too young to be so hurt

for a moment you made me feel

like i was on top of a mountain now

you are silent, you disappear and i

fall into a dark abyss

without an answer

abandoned by your body and mind

another love disappointment and another loneliness

doesn't hurt less at all

familiar with this kind of pain and emptiness

i don't cope better at all

everything tastes bitter and similar but has a different source

please

don't make my heart break again i already know the feeling

go away

if you only want me for a while my heart is not a place to rent

i put red on my lips to attract the gazes

that in the face of yours

cease to have any meaning

i think

that i will miss you forever

you moved my heart and mind

at the same time

you stirred up the embers of fire in me and then you left

without even putting it out

i can't do it alone

you are like a lighter

that ignites everything around you

you turned white into black not even knowing

that it would obscure my entire life

hope, which is still in me becomes a source of danger

every time i forgive

i feel that i lose myself to someone who doesn't deserve it

we are all mortal and we are only exist for a moment as long as you experience life love strongly, truly

and with your whole body

suffering is unavoidable

but let this

not stop you from loving

all of it

will make you even more alive

you put your hands on my body you put your chest against mine a few days after

my heart is breaking

and every other part of me too that you managed to touch

before you decided to leave me

i dream about you while you go away

in the opposite direction

i will probably follow you with my eyes until i fall from my strength until i lose all my senses

that have gone crazy

since you've been gone

i would give my life for you

if I could - i would do anything in exchange for filling the void in my heart

your silence are grains of salt

falling on my open wounds

i can't forget but i can forgive

and harder than that

is only to forgive again someone who has already failed many times it's like savoring poison

hoping

that one day

it will stop being poisonous

if you have to lie to me do it without details

the thorns will still dig into my skin but there will be fewer of them

just for a while he was the sunshine in my life only to quickly turn into rain and leave me

all soaked

i plunged back into chronic sadness

don't look for love in places where you don't even receive respect don't pour salt into a glass of water pretending to yourself

that it is sugar

you put gold on your neck but you don't wear gold in your heart you are so faded to me

you are tearing my old wounds hoping that they will continue to bleed they will

but i have already learned

how to stop the bleeding

effectively

so as to cut you off

from feeling that satisfaction caused by my pain

are you crying more often or maybe laughing?

you yourself no longer know

what source the tears run down on your porcelain face

every evening

every night

and even in the morning

when waking up, you still don't remember what you cried for all last night

even if you will never be mine again i think i still belong to you and i don't want

to belong to anyone

who won't be you

on hot summer days i still carry within me a longing and the coldness in my heart

which you froze

the grief i carry inside me grows with time

and at the same time also becomes silent as if i reconciled to this anguish falling from strength

on colder days i don't want to put on clothes i just want

cover myself with your body

you will no longer ask how i feel

you are no longer interested in what is under the surface of the water in which you have been swimming every day

your words

stay with me

like tattoos

that adorn the body

your silence turns my peace

into a silent scream

and my face - wet with tears

takes on the colors of gray

i no longer hide my true face under the cover of my hands

even now you don't notice

how sunken

the corners of my mouth are sometimes and my eyes

simultaneously moist

and dry

adorn my face

you stand firmly on the ground but why

you did the same to my heart

which is softer

than grains of sand

under your feet

why do you consider me as someone inferior to you

when the same color of blood flows in us you turn away after inflicting pain as if it would erase your evil deed

in order not to lose you from my sight i try to blink as fast

as fast the seconds hands

of the clock move

you appeared suddenly and you quickly disappear

let me put all the pain you caused on a piece of this paper

that everyone can reach for

you leave me no other choice

at the moment

when my heart is disappointed

i will leave traces of red lipstick on your face and your sheets

just as you leave traces of disappointment in my heart

don't start more fire than you can put out by yourself

the silence you bestow on me is the worst silent sound

i have ever heard

i don't even know with what i could heal my heart that you broke without any qualms or i'm just wondering

whether i would even be able

to pull myself together after you into any kind of whole

or at least half

the floor on which i lay and choked with tears

for a long time

was a much safer place for me than any other arms

if you ever come back to me with your thoughts

i will already be in another place that won't be wet with my tears and my heart torn by you

will no longer bleed as much as it once did

how to believe again and trust

any other eyes

when the most honest and blue ones have dealt me the most painful blows straight to the heart

that trusted boundlessly and blindly

and the saddest thing is that this time

i would rather be really dead instead of over again

try heal a broken heart

that's the kind of suffering

that weakens more than strengthens the heart is not just a muscle the heart is porcelain

which it is amazing to possess or to give to someone

on the palm of your hand

but some people

let the porcelain out of their hands as if it had no value for them then it shatters into thousands of pieces just like a broken heart

when you leave me along with the storm you have caused in my sky

a rainbow will appear

that will hold my hand

since you are pushing me away because i am too good

so who do you really want?

and who are you really yourself?

i was ready

to throw myself

to the bottom of the ocean for you while you

were not even able to

to plunge for me in a small stream of water

thank you for another tragedy in my life that i didn't need at all

the next woman you find

take care of her at least a little better than you took care of me

none good woman deserved

to be left in a single text message to be so hurt and humiliated

and the exploitation itself

has many faces

all that happened to us you made of it just a 'meaningless'

segment of time

as if nothing had happened

and in my heart

once again

will remain a scar

many more women after me will trust you

because, after all

you deceive so beautifully and effectively and you commit yourself

only for a few moments or weeks even the most intelligent and careful eyes will not notice it in time

no one will ever be able to to make me trust so boundlessly again thanks to you

i don't even believe in good endings anymore

you showed me

that romantic feeling is a ticking clock

the heart of human even if naive and blind

it craves love

wants to love and be loved in return plunge a knife sharp as fangs into the heart

and it will still want to love and once it is knitted together and healed the mind still powerless

in the face of feelings will remain

you prepared me for the most beautiful moments of our lives

but you didn't mention at all that in a few days

you will leave me alone

as if i were just entertainment making your worse days more pleasant

i really wanted to belong only to you even if

it sounds very materialistic

now

i don't want to belong to anyone anymore who won't be you

just look at what you did to me

you avoid my gaze and i

i'm not afraid of yours

after all you've done

you can't even afford the truth that you so often valued

how can i enjoy the day when you

have taken all the sunshine with you?

and i don't know what hurt my soul more

your silence

or the words of farewell

that you put in one insolent

short message

words

that come out of your mouth

can be sacred to someone

so be careful in the face of every heart that opens up to you

the wounds you inflict

may not always be the ones

that will grow together in someone's heart

i was just 'another new woman' to you i'm able to heal from what you did to me and i thank you

that you didn't hurt me more

than you could

i wanted to be the sun for you but you made me

me to become rain

for myself

you wear black under the blue of your eyes

before you came along everything was darker in me

and now

when you leave

you take all that brightness with you you leave me in an even darker abyss i've ever been in

my crying

one day

will stop echoing

from the walls of my bedroom

you may break me, but i will still be reborn

for my place you will surely find another woman or a girl

but in none of them

you won't find 'me'

i will take one step at a time i will live day by day

and finally

i will heal from you

you will pass like a headache

his pearly hair was more beautiful

than any part of my jewelry

you follow others but who really goes along with you

wherever you are, i believe you will get through whatever agonizes and hurts you.

i send you my strength and i wish you peace.

- from the author

Honeymoon is a collection of poems that deal with themes of sadness, disappointment and romantic feelings that turned out to be painful. The title

'honeymoon' is a reference to the short duration of a relationship that was supposed to last a lifetime. The honeymoon can also mean the short-lived nature of the good moments in life, which pass as well as the painful moments.

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