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Abstrusion

00001.jpgWritten by

Candice James

Copyright 2010 Saddlestone Publishing
Box 5 – 720 – 6
thStreet, New Westminster, BC
Canada V3L 3C5
saddlestone@shaw.ca

TABLE OF CONTENTS
4. Gleaming
5. Eventuality
6. Shoreline
7. Naked And Needing
8. Written And Engraved
8. Your Absence
9. Sanctified
10. Sometimes
11. Sweet Hungry Fever
12. The Deep
13. The Key
14. The Pledge
15. Beyond The Shadow
16. The Truth Is
17. While You Lay Sleeping 18. Whisper My Name
19. Your Court
20. Whenever I Hear Your Voice 21. And Still We Plunge Deeper 22. Hate/Love
23. The Awakening
24. Branding Irons
24. The Edge
25. Broken
26. Creeping Damp
27. Even Less
28. I Succumb
29. Love’s Metal
30. Never Lost
31. No Stranger
32. Eternal
33. Survival
34. Thank You
35. Spectacular Nights
36. There Used To Be Lightning 37. Unchained
38. Unsearchable
39. When You Smile
40. Before You Looked Away 41. Lost
42. Crab Cakes & Jazz
42. Starlight Skating Rink
43. Even Brighter
44. I Can’t Run I Can’t Hide 45. Me Without You
46. Moving
47. No Way Out Of You
48. Oblivious
49. The Brush Of Your Breath 50. The Pledge
51. Some Endings
52. Stains
53. Survival
54. Then And Now
55. No Trace
56. The View
57. Always Searching
58. At That Crucial Moment 59. Broken Too Long To Be Fixed 60. How Can I
61. If I Cannot Cry
62. Late Last Night
63. Locked Out
64. Reversal
65. Safe At Last
66. Showdown
67. Sleeping Awake
68. That Moment In Time
69. The Remaining
70. This Relentless Rain
71. Winds Of Change
72. Western Wind
73. If I Saw You Again
74. Clearly

GLEAMIING

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

It’s wet and gleaming with a deep intrinsic beauty And it’s not even raining.
It’s you reigning over an ocean of emotion,
Water streaked with kisses
That dance like diamonds on the surface of this dream We’ve fashioned with our passion.

Your face is the mirror I shine in. I was lackluster and unpolished. Then you plucked me from the dust Of some long forgotten wish
And made me come true.

You made wishes become horses And now I ride the winds of change Into the eye of this needle.

It’s gleaming so bright I’m blinded by its light

 

But sight is no longer required. All that’s required is you.

 

EVENTUALITY

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

I’ll always acquiesce to your wishes On all levels
On all fronts
Because my happiness
Is contingent on yours.

I would that I could
Reach into my being
And pull out the essence of my spirit And shape it into a beautiful pulsating star That would light all your pathways with love From here to eternity.

I reach for you and in doing so Reach for myself
Reach for heaven
Reach for eternity
And cast my wish into the universe That I may spend every second Seeing only your eyes
Seeing me.

Belonging to you was never an option It was always an eventuality

 

SHORELINE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

I have abolished all shallow water
And left yesterday’s sea as a distant shadow Bereft of all vessels
Save the love I sail on,
Destination your heart.

The breeze and I renew acquaintances And bond even deeper
For this final quest of quests.
The wind knows you well.
She whispers your name incessantly
As I breathe in its echo with quiet desperation.

Morning has broken
And I see you looming large
On the horizon of my dream.
Adrift, thirsting and burned
By the elements of life,
I stretch to grasp your bright looming shadow, That I may lay in the coveted cool of it And be whetted by your love
As it splashes me into reality.

You are the shoreline I’ve been waiting to reach All the days of my life.

NAKED AND NEEDING

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Into the fire,
Naked and needing,
I jump heartlong
Onto the licking tongue of the flame you create.

It quenches the thirst,
Satisfies the hunger
That has run rampant within me
All those centuries I spent before you came to me.

Sliding down the blade of your knife At last I feel the true cut of love Taking me higher,
Making me fire.

To bathe in this fire you’ve created, To warm my frost bitten heart, To thaw my ice clad soul,
I will always come to you
Naked and needing.

WRITTEN AND ENGRAVED

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Yes, without a shadow of a doubt,
You’re my soul inspiration, my Muse.
It’s just after 10 PM and I had to call you Just to hear you voice,
As tender as slippery silk on the skin of my soul. As precious as golden pebbles
Skipping through the cool blue lakes in my mind Causing the currents of love to suddenly surface In a whirlpool of passion.

There have been other moments in my life But none as monumental or indelible
As these moments of you.
You cannot split the second I don’t think of you. You’re constantly with me.
Written and engraved on my soul.

YOUR ABSENCE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

 

Your Absence

 

Never gives way to relief.

When you’re gone
It’sa pause between centuries. Everything ceases to please

Your absence
If it ever became permanent Is something
More frightening than death.

SANCTIFIED

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

We lay on a sanctified carpet of love Blessed by each caress we exchange. Hot rain mixed with cool blue sunshine.

Wise men and angels
Could never feel or even be privy to
The depth of emotion you’ve aroused in me. Red neon icing melting in my mouth.

I thank you for this thrill. This escalation of spirit, This total loss of self
Inconceivable to most souls.

You
Surpass the beauty of any Rembrandt In my eyes.

You
Pale even the most vibrant sunset In my eyes.

We lay on our sanctified carpet of love Wielding the brush of emotion
Creating a masterpiece never to be forsaken.

We are the lost love letter
Written in the eye of emotion’s storm. You, and only you,
Have made this possible.

SOMETIMES

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Sometimes I think I can’t live in a tense
Or a person.
I seem to become mired and mirrored in the past And the future simultaneously.

The present somehow mysteriously eludes me. When I’m in it,
It is surreal
And elusive, almost non-existent
And yet
It’s where I most desire to be.

Sometimes I think
I’m not even real.
Then, I see your face
And suddenly everything makes sense again.

I only become real When you look at me.

 

SWEET HUNGRY FEVER

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

It’s such a sweet hungry fever Your primal kiss presents me with. Should I die to be reborn within it? Or should I shrink from it and hide Inside someone else’s smile?

Too Late!
I’m already drowning in the tender afterglow Of your warm embrace.

Smile
Just for me.
No one else but me.

Smile from your soul and pierce my being. I will turn it to gold and cherish it
Until 7 becomes 6

It’s such a sweet hungry fever you create in me. It’s fast becoming something
I may not be able to live without.

THE DEEP

 

Candice James Copyright 2008

It’s a feeling that fills my being totally, Yet still manages to somehow claw Even deeper into my soul.
Is it a brand new emotion
Or is it reminiscent of an old enchantment Faded & buried so deep in my psyche, So deep I’m not certain
It ever lived and breathed before?

No use to philosophize
Or burn the midnight oil sifting memories Because that was then and this is now. This is real and this is happening,
Racing at breakneck speed,
Raw Emotion
Never before so cutting yet comfortable.

I tenderly caress it with the fingers of my heart, Whisper it softly through the canyons of my mind. I touch it, hold it, nurture it and lovingly build it Into a poetic dream I can polish to perfection.

I dance with it, feel its rhythm pulsate through my core And change the beat of my heart.
I grasp it to my soul never to let it go,
For this is eternal magic, eternal flame
Never to be put asunder.

This is the wonder of absolute being. This is the wonder of you!

 

THE KEY

 

Candice James Copyright 2008

Whenever you’re gone
The Sun doesn’t shine as bright. The rain doesn’t feel as fresh or wet, The moon loses its luminosity. I lose myself.

There’s an indescribable ache, An unequivocal emptiness. Oh I get by,
But just barely.

The world becomes hazy
And the code to happiness becomes elusive And indecipherable.

Without you I’m locked

 

Inside a universe that doesn’t suit me.

 

You’re the only key That opens me.

 

THE PLEDGE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

 

I pledge my soul to you.

If ever a sad feeling starts to form in your eyes, I will lasso the wind
And transform it into a towel for your tears. I will capture the Sun
To warm the coldest moments
You spend in uncertainty.

If ever you feel empty
I will fill you up.
If ever you feel needy
I will exceed your requirements. If ever you feel frightened I will slay your dragons.

If ever you become lost I promise,
I will find you
This is my pledge to you

BEYOND THE SHADOW

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Sometimes in the course of the day, When I’m away from you,
There are moments that feel like years. They ache with a life of their own Chasing ghosts just beyond their shadow.

When you’re not with me
There’s a skulking numbness that pursues me And corners me in darkened alleys.
I become the shadow of a shadow,
Lost in life’s fog.

Sometimes the need to touch you Is so prevalent and all pervading -I can almost feel the fabric
And temperature of your skin.

Sometimes I close my eyes
And I swear I feel
The brush of your breath on my neck.

Moment to moment
You reign supreme in my universe. Beyond the shadow of a shadow.

THE TRUTH IS

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

The truth is,
It has to happen fast or it doesn’t happen at all. I say “I love you”.
You say “ You don’t know me, or anything about me .”

The truth is,
Somewhere and someplace in time I’ve known you forever.
I know everything I need to know about you.

I see you through my eyes
And you are beautiful to me,
So I paint a picture
Of who I believe you are in my mind. I engrave my vision of you carefully And carve it meticulously
Into the blazing stone fireplace in my mind So it can never change.

This is who you will always be to me. I will always love the you I have painted. It is a masterpiece.
It is You Forever.

The truth is
This masterpiece I have painted of you Will never ever change
Because I am the Artist.
I have signed the painting,
And,
I have put away my paintbrush
Forever.

WHILE YOU LAY SLEEPING

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

While you lay sleeping
I look at you.
I see all things beautiful.
Your tenderness is a warm vacuum of tingling nerves That I eagerly climb into without fear.

As I lay awake beside you,
While you lay sleeping,
I thank whatever Gods may be That they brought
You
To Me
The One who’s needed you so much.

As I gently caress your body
I lay my cheek softly on yours:
To listen to your breathing,
To get a little closer to your dreams, To be near you wherever you have gone, While you lay sleeping.

Pressing my body to you,

 

I feel my spirit melt through yours.

 

I fall asleep inside your love, While you lay sleeping.

 

WHISPER MY NAME

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

 

Whisper my name And I will hear it.

 

Even though you’re far away from me tonight,

 

I keep you safe in the warm hold and gentle fold of my spirit.

I frame wings with my thoughts And fly them straight to your heart On the winds of love

Across the universe tonight I’m holding you,
Caressing you,
Kissing you,
Loving you

Somewhere this side of heaven. Invisible,
Indivisible,
Indelible
Imprinted on the fabric of eternity.

Vulnerable

 

Only to a deeper degree of love.

 

Whisper my name. I will hear you.

 

YOUR COURT

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

I spend most of my lucid waking moments Touching you with the fingers of my mind. Every moment I’m breathing
I want to hold you,
Kiss you,
Touch you,
Love you.

I’ve spent most moments since I met you Thinking of you
And wanting to hold you close to me forever.

The ball is in your court.
Return it to me
If you’re ready for the real thing

Or

Zip up your raquet For another day, Another court,
Another love.

WHENEVER I HEAR YOUR VOICE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Whenever I hear your voice
Something ethereal whisper to my heart. It’s like a cool waterfall flowing over me In a torrid blazing fire.
It’s like a midnite sun beating down On a cold hard winter night.

Whenever I hear your voice
Magical moments rush in
On a swift incoming tide
Washing through every corner of my mind.

Whenever I hear your voice

 

I realize just how alive I actually am these days.

The world spins a little faster, Shines a little brighter
Whenever I hear your voice.

AND STILL WE PLUNGE DEEPER

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

We slid down
The hot steel blade of love’s knife
Unscathed.
No wounds, No bleeding,
Just a deeper more profound understanding and respect For this deep emotion.

We rolled our hearts like loaded dice Across the valley of love’s landmines Undamaged
And today they still beat
In perfect rhythm with each other, Only for each other.

You’re so very close to me
Sometimes I’m sure you are me, and I am you Inside this netherworld exchange we nestle in nightly.

We rock in our cradle of love,
Polished to brilliant stone
Sprinkled with the burnished orange stars we’ve created.

This is a deep as it gets
And still we plunge deeper
Into the beckoning abyss of each other.

HATE/LOVE

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

 

I hate you

 

And yet I love you.

 

I hope you miss me so much you break, And yet I hope you never break.

 

I hope you cry all night long with no respite, And yet I don’t wish even one tear to stain your face.

 

I hope you’re cold as ice each night without me, And yet I wish you warm blankets and dreams.

 

I hope your feet and back ache incessantly, And yet I wish you freedom from all pain.

 

I hope you are so depressed you can’t function, And yet I wish you total happiness and serenity.

 

I hope your heart aches in agony And yet I wish you peace and joy.

 

I wish you were still mine, And yet I’m thankful you’re not.

 

I hate you,

 

And yet I love you.

 

THE AWAKENING

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

When you’re starving, crumbs will not suffice. When you’re just hungry they will.
If a feast isn’t to your liking
You’ll leave the table still wanting.

I wanted
The things that remained ungiven I wanted
The tarnished golden ring to shine I wanted
The you that you hid so well.

When I tried to dream my wishes to life Reality became so hazy.
I saw things as they really weren’t.

When the alarm clock in my dream screamed to be heard I was forced to open my eyes.
A new dawn splashed
A shock of cold water
On the face of my heart.

The smoke and mirrors disappeared. Reality suddenly seemed so real So harsh.

When the awakening came The dream vanished!

 

BRANDING IRONS

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Sometimes I fear you
And your source of tears; Jewels trickling down the cheek Of a hazy cherished memory.

You blend your evil and your magic So magnificently
In the guise of primal passion.

You have tied me to the secrets That hide in your blood,
And so we mingle
With lost innocence.

Behold,
Our hands are branding irons As we touch each other’s soul.

THE EDGE

 

Candice James Copyright 2008

I’m at the edge of your embrace Teetering on a shaky precipice. I’m at the edge of my sanity
And ready to jump if you leave me.

I’m dying here at the edge of a sad song And begging you to save me.

 

Another postcard from the edge Coming soon.

 

BROKEN

 

Candice James Copyright 2008

If I ever needed to win something I need to now.
I lost everything when I lost you.
Disillusionment runs rampant
Across the barren landscape of my heart.

I’m having a very bad day today Bourne of missing you monumentally.

I’m desparate
For your touch,
For your voice.
Everything I am is tangled up in you.

I can’t face people.
I can’t face the world.
I can’t even leave the house today. My condition is too fragile.

You’ve broken me.

 

CREEPING DAMP
Candice James Copyright 2008

And now the empty days begin To match my empty heart,
Like two lost earrings in a sea of tears.

The numbness crept in,
With immediate effect,
On tiny wornout slippers.
It was over in a heartbeat,
A single heartbeat that shook the heavens And broke my soul.

We went through so many heartbeats together Yet in one fell swoop our heartbeats separated Like the Red Sea parting.
We were the deposed Pharoahs
Engulfed by this disaster we were destined for.

Star crossed, right from the beginning, And too focused on the moment To check the darkness
Lurking in the corners,
We murdered the love we so coveted.

Some things, even though pre-destined Never come to fruition,
And then the emptiness creeps in On cold damp weary feet.

EVEN LESS

 

Candice James Copyright 2008

I’ve looked at love from all sides now, Waxing, waning, disseminating On the moonlit shore of dreams.

I’ve seen this miracle awaken

 

I’ve watched it break down to nothing.

I’ve looked at love
Through childhood’s page
Through teenage fears and middle age. I’ve tasted its honey.
I’ve wasted its money.
I’ve exalted it.
I’ve faulted it.

The golden years are here
Strewn with silver tears
And threaded through the eye of yesterday’s needle.

I’ve looked at love from all sides now And understand it
Even less.

I SUCCUMB

 

Candice James
Copyright 2008

Moping and groping,
Searching to find a tranquil thought To stave off this infiltrating insanity.

What happens to the heart
When you realize the one you count on Isn’t going to be there ever?

What happens to the mind When the emotional turmoil Becomes so tightly wound The threads of sense break?

An empty gnawing feeling
Begins to claw its way into the soul Perhaps to nap
Perchance to sleep the endless sleep.

Unravelling to the 23rd degree For the 24th time
I succumb

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