"Stay on the sidewalk snitches!" Shouted the correctional officer while laughing at the same time. He tried his best to be the funny man, other correctional officers did it too.
Correctional Officer Carmon really had no idea if all the inmates walking up to breakfast were really staying on the sidewalk or not. The fog was so heavy you could barely see someone standing right in front of you. The prison was always uptight on foggy days and usually kept the compound locked down until the fog cleared. They still had to let prisoners out for meals so they could march up to the chow hall but they kept close watch.
Some of the inmates snickered as they trudged up the slippery sidewalk. The true rats remained silent. They didn't think Correctional Officer Carmon's joke was that funny.
Jake The Snake blended in with the shivery crowd all the way in the back keeping his head down and keeping pace with the entourage. He looked at his wristwatch which read 7:25am. The inmates continued to pussy foot up the hill towards the chow hall so they could fill their morning appetite then go back to bed. After breakfast the inmates were to report back to their units so a morning fog count could take place. Just as Jake The Snake pushed the indiglo button on his watch to check the time he could hear Correctional Officer Carmon shouting into his radio.
"Man down, man down. All units respond there's a man down on the sidewalk."
The adrenaline rush surged through Jake The Snake's chest like a heart attack. It was show time. The Candy Man had pulled through after all.
The startled inmates halted as they were instructed to as correctional officers came running from every direction. The 350 pound Candy Man laid sprawled out on the sidewalk twitching his arms and legs as if demons were inside him.
The jingling of keys grew louder as correctional officers came running from every direction. It was standard procedure that any time an inmate was down on the ground all personnel had to respond. Even if it was just an inmate having a seizure, and that's exactly what this purportedly was. Jake The Snake had paid the Candy Man 3 bags of Royal Mix hard candy to feign a seizure on his way to breakfast. The Candy Man usually got seizures 3 times a month and it was common amongst other inmates. The sprinting respondents knew it was probably just a false alarm but they still had to do their job nonetheless.
While a throng of staff employees hovered over the jiggling 350 pound Candy Man Fred slipped into oblivion undetected. This is so much fun he thought to himself as he scampered through the fog and into the yard by the west gate. What he was doing was very stupid. If the escape plan didn't work he could catch an out of bounds charge and be placed in solitary confinement, or the SHU, the box, the hole, or even the bucket as the black people called it. It was no big deal to Jake The Snake. The maximum penalty for an out of bounds shot was only two weeks in the SHU which usually resulted to only 4 or 5 days.
Fred traversed away from the sidewalks and trudged through the 7 inches of crunchy snow towards the west gate. It had been foggy almost every day this week but today it was exceptionally foggy for a Saturday morning. Jake The Snake looked around to make sure he wasn't being followed. The coast was clear and he prayed that the Gadget Man's plan would work. No, Jake The Snake never prayed and didn't believe in God. He only hoped that the plan would work. He glanced at his Timex. 7:29am. He crossed his fingers and hoped this wasn't some stupid prank to get him in trouble. In about 30-45 minutes they would do the fog count and figure out he was missing. He felt his stomach start to growl. He never missed breakfast and was missing out on some pretty good flap jacks. Not to mention how cold it was outside.
Jake The Snake inched closer to the fence wondering just how close he was supposed to be. 3 large snowmen the inmates had built seemed to be spying on him.
Fred listened intently expecting maybe to hear a helicopter or an explosion at the fence or even anything. Everything remained eerily quiet and he could barely see a thing. He looked at his watch again. 7:31am. No, no, no! Please don't let this be a prank! All of a sudden way out in the distance he heard a loud thunk sound. Not like a shot gun but maybe a sound of exploding air. The sound was muffled and sounded like it came from far away. A few seconds later he heard a faint thud sound just 20 yards away from him. What in the world was this?
He walked over to where he thought he heard something and saw a hole delved in the snow. What was this? A meteorite? Jake The Snake reached down and picked up a heavy white rubber ball. He felt lucky to have discovered it because it blended in so well with the snow looking like an ordinary snowball.
Fred carefully inspected the rubber ball which was slightly bigger than the balls they used to play bocce ball. He looked a little closer and noticed suture marks where the rubber ball had once been two halves. When nothing else happened Jake The Snake surmised that the white rubber ball was his ticket out of prison. Perhaps it contained a cellphone so he could get further instructions for an elaborate escape. Maybe even a gun because it was kind of heavy after all.
Jake The Snake looked at the 3 large snowmen and came up with a pretty good idea. Every winter he had always observed that the bottom portion of a snowman was always the last thing to melt away. The grass would turn green but there would always be the bottom sphere to the snowman which always melted last but usually made it to the next storm. He realized the chances of him getting caught trying to sneak back to the unit were very high. It would be hard to smuggle the white rubber ball back to his cell at this particular time because if they caught him being out of bounds they would surely do a search.
Jake The Snake walked over to the 3 snowmen and picked out the biggest one. The one that was sure to melt last. He tightened his fingers together on his right hand forming a claw and used his hand to dig a hole right in the middle of the bottom sphere to the biggest snowman. This is such a genius idea he thought to himself. Then he rammed the white rubber ball directly into the core of the big snowball.
As he patched the hole back up with snow his hand went numb and turned crimson red. In fact just as he was finishing up he couldn't feel his right hand at all. As he was putting on the final touches of frosty the snowman he heard a soft humming sound of a motor and then the soft glow of headlights. Oh no! He had almost forgotten that every 5 minutes a white SUV with a guard on board with a shotgun drives around the outside perimeter of the double razor wired fence.
Jake The Snake quickly ducked behind the snowman and carefully shifted his body to avoid detection as the SUV slowly crept past. He looked at his watch. It was 7:42am. Maybe he had time to run back and make it to breakfast. He patiently waited until he could no longer see the tail lights of the SUV and then he trudged through the snow making his way towards the sidewalks. His hands were still wet and freezing cold and he couldn't even make a fist.
Fred was surprised when he planted his foot on the sidewalk undetected. He stomped his feet hard on the sidewalk knocking off loose snow from his steel tip boots. For some reason every prison required inmates to wear black steel tip boots. He could never understand why. As he trekked up the sidewalk to the chow hall a rock song was going on inside his head. Wanna love ya, wanna touch ya, wanna bug ya, stupid girl. He was having flashbacks of his ex-wife Sue. Sue, Sue, I'm soon out of the zoo and I'm coming after you!
Jake The Snake cupped his right hand behind the door handle to the chow hall since his hands were so numb he could not squeeze them yet. He yanked on the door but the door didn't budge. Crap! He had forgotten that on foggy days they keep the doors locked until everyone is done eating and then let them go back to the unit all at once. This was not good. It meant he couldn't even go back to the unit because that would be locked as well. He was stuck on the compound and as of now he was out of bounds.
"Hey! Hey you!" A voice shouted from amidst the fog. Jake turned but saw no one. Then, like an optical illusion, a big burly guard appeared from the fog. It was Correctional Officer Bennings and he was the biggest prick. There was no talking his way out of this one.
Bennings came marching towards him with a shrewd look on his face like he had caught somebody red handed."What ya up to Jake The Snake?" Said Bennings approaching him like a teenage punk that returned his daughter late from a date.
Fred took a step backwards and felt his heel bump into the door."um...I was last one out the door and just stopped to tie my shoes. When I looked up everyone was already locked in the chow hall." Said Fred with guilty written all over his face.
The Correctional Officer let out a boisterous laugh and took a step backward giving him space to breathe. He really didn't care what he was doing but he did definitely want to take him to the hole. He looked at his watch and laughed some more.
"Yeah, I'll bet. Does it take you 15 minutes to tie your shoes?"
Jake The Snake didn't answer. Bennings pointed his finger down the hill."Your unit is down there. I could've sworn I saw you coming from that direction." He said pointing to the west gate.
"Um...That wasn't me sir. Must've been somebody else. It's awfully foggy out here." He said crossing his fingers behind his back.
Bennings circled his index finger motioning for him to turn around so he could pat him down. Jake The Snake obeyed and spread his arms out wide like he was trained to do.
"Look, I don't believe your petty story." Said Bennings patting him down, "If you just would've been honest with me I would've unlocked the door for you and you could be eating pancakes." He said digging through his pockets. Jake The Snake was clean but the Correctional Officer reached for his handcuffs anyway. "You're out of bounds so I'm taking you to the SHU. You've been there plenty of times so you know the drill."
Jake The Snake slowly lowered his hands and placed them behind his back. The SHU was no threat to him. It was basically a Bed And Breakfast. As the Correctional Officer dragged him by the elbow up the hill towards the Special Housing Unit Jake The Snake giggled to himself. This was no big deal. He'd be out of the SHU in 5 days and then he'd escape from prison. Sue, Sue, it's just me and you. Can you guess what I'm gonna do?