Good thing I do not think like Shakespeare or I would end up thinking outloud for the next five minutes while Nancy and the man and woman from the Bart station patiently wait for me to stop. Besides if this were Shakespeare, everyone would die in the end and I am pretty sure that isn’t going to happen here. Though I do have many questions running through my head; what will Nancy and I do? How did the Agents of Duck know we would follow the clues to the end and how did they end up tracking us here? I could really go for a nice MLT, where the mutton is sliced just right. What is in that box Nancy found? Fine, maybe Shakespeare had a point.
“Dad, are you ok, you looked like you were drooling a little.”
“Oh, nothing, just thinking about an MLT.”
“Mmm, where the mutton is sliced just right.”
“Hey, now I’m not the only one drooling, so after we escape this predicament and secure the treasure, we go to Fezzik’s for Sandwiches.”
“Deal, now what to do about the man and woman from the Bart station?”
“Right, I think I will go out and confront them, there are at least 30 people out here that would be witness to anything that happens.”
“What about me?”
“You stay here in the shrubbery and record what happens with your phone, so if anything happens we have video record.”
“Dad, be careful.”
“I will.”
Feigning more confidence than I really felt, I hope for the best and circle around the shrubbery and the aerial navigation tower so they do not see where Nancy is hiding. I walk up to the Ranger and the man and woman.
Reaching out to shake hands with the man, I declare “Hi, I’m Bob and I council depressed elevators, do you happen to know of any ducks around here?”
The Park Ranger responds, “I thought you said you really worked with computers and why would there be ducks around here? We are at an elevation of 3849 feet and it is nearly 100 degrees out and no natural source of water at the summit.”
“Uh, you are absolutely correct. I do app”
The woman interrupts, “I know of some ducks, if you and your daughter who I presume is nearby would like to go for a ride with us?”
“I think I will stay here, with this nice Park Ranger and all these nice people, I mean witnesses.”
“Quack!”
“Sir, I am not sure what you mean, Nancy and I have been hearing Quacks such as that for the last couple of days.”
The Ranger obviously confused, “What, that was the worst quack I have ever heard, you really need to be more breathy with it and hold the a longer, more like quaaack. See my grandfather use to make duck calls and you definitely need to hold the a.”
“Well that is enlightening. Man and woman from the BART station, do you have names so I can stop thinking of you in my head as the man and woman from the BART station? And, are you really agents of DUCK? And, who’s Kevin?”
The Ranger has given up understanding and starts to practice his long a quacks, “quaaack, quaack, quaaaack, yes the one with the three extra a’s sounds just right. Now about my Oboe.”
“I think we should just ignore him, and you can call me Kevin and this is Bertha.”
“Hey, it is my turn to be Kevin, you get to be Bertha.”
“I think I should always be Kevin as I am a dude, while Bertha fits better with you as a female dude.”
“Well, Kevin, I will go along this time and remain Bertha, but I am going to bring this up with our most exalted DUCK leader.”
“Quaaaack!”
“I agree, we will ignore sir quacks a lot and I do appreciate how you both like being Kevin more than Bertha.”
Together Kevin and Bertha, “Yes, so please give us the treasure.”
“What treasure?”
Kevin exclaims, “You can’t fool us Bob, we know you and Nancy found the treasure.”
“Well, I already fooled you that I was an Elevator Psychologist, are you sure I found the treasure, if I even admit there is a treasure.”
Bertha explains, “We know about the treasure, we just needed someone to figure out the clues to find it. We had the clue we hid under the crackers in the tunnel and all the ones leading to it, it had stumped us for years.”
Kevin continuing, “You are not the first, but you are the first to solve all the clues we left to lead you to the tunnel. Think of it as a test to see if you were worthy of the ciphers and riddles left by our DUCK ancestors.”
“Seriously, you are the Agents of Duck, Nancy and I thought we made that up so we could stop referring to you as the people who were chasing us.”
At this point, Kevin and Bertha’s voices seem to just blend together as one; “Well, to be fair we use to be CHaps Undercover Chasing Kevin or CHUCK, but in the 30s we switched from CHaps to Dudes and became DUCK.”
“So who is Kevin?”
“I’m pretty sure originally someone really wanted it to spell CHUCK and later DUCK.”
Nancy having heard the whole conversation, leaves the safety of the shrubbery and approaches our conclave, “Dad, I will show Bertha and Kevin where the treasure is, I really enjoyed our Daddy Daughter adventure and it does sound like they have been looking for this treasure for ever and deserve it more than we do.”
“Really, you are OK with this, I was hoping to pay for your college education with what we found, not that I admit we found anything. Let me talk to Nancy for a minute.”
Nancy and I retreat a few feet from the Agents and the Park Ranger.
Whispering, “Well dad, I am not sure the treasure is what we thought it was. I did some calculations, I know Math, and figure that Black Bart was pretty much penniless when he died and I do not think it is because he squirreled away all the gold from the stagecoaches to hide for us or anyone else to find.”
Continuing the whisper back to Nancy, “You are right, he really wasn’t very good at getting away with gold, half the time he would accidently blow it up trying to open the chests.”
Continuing in a conversational tone to the Agents of DUCK, “So, whatever is in that big box can go to the Agents of DUCK with no claim from us.”
“Right Dad, Kevin, Bertha and weird quacking Ranger guy, if you would please follow me.”
Nancy brings us all over to where the plaque was in the tower wall.
Nancy, inserting the key into the keyhole, “I found the keyhole, but was not able to turn the key.”
I look at Nancy and realize something is up, so I keep my mouth shut about Nancy opening it previously and seeing what was inside.”
Kevin insists impatiently, “Let me try!”
Kevin turns the key and we all hear a loud click. The plaque hinges open and we can all see the opening and a pair of boxes inside. Kevin grabs the handle on the front box and pulls. It does not budge. I am not sure where Bertha was hiding it, but she pulls out a small crowbar and gets a little leverage under the box. With a creak, the box lets loose and Kevin and Bertha pull it out together.
Nancy and I caught up in the mystery and excitement, “Open it, what’s inside?”
Kevin knocks the old lock off with the crowbar and lifts the latch. We see the sun glint off something metallic and Kevin finishes opening the box. We can now clearly see what look like old canning jars.
Bertha starts screaming, “No, no, no, it can’t be.”
I wonder aloud, “Can’t be what, what is in the jars?”
Kevin and Bertha together, “Jars of little pickles.”
Nancy exclaims, “little pickles, dill or sweet?”
I detect the snarkiness in Nancy’s voice, I think she knew this was going to happen and give a nudge to keep quiet.
Bertha snaps back, “What, it doesn’t matter, they told us it was just a bunch of jars of little pickles and we didn’t believe them. “
Kevin, almost in tears, “what are we going to do with a whole bunch of finely aged little pickles, do you think we could sell them to hipsters at the Jack London Square farmer’s market as Classic Finely Aged Black Bart Signature Little Pickles or CFABBSLP?”
Nancy again chiming in, “ Uhm I would skip the CFABBSLP, no one can pronounce that, but hipsters would totally pay for finely aged Black Bart pickles, you probably should have a disclaimer about freshness as they are over 100 years old.”
Bertha and Kevin pull out the other box and it too contains little pickles. We leave them to planning the Agent of DUCK pickle stand at the Jack London Square farmer’s market and hike back down to the Ranger Station. Nancy gives Stewart a call and he picks us up and gives a ride back to our car.
The End?