So You Own A Human by Gary C McAuley - HTML preview

/ Home / Humor / So You Own A Human

PLEASE NOTE: This is an HTML preview only and some elements such as links or page numbers may be incorrect.
Download the book in PDF, ePub, Kindle for a complete version.

You own a human! Congratulations! Maybe you picked the human up at an animal shelter, or off an internet site, or out on the streets. Good for you! Take the human back to their place and move on in! Be sure to sniff around, walk the perimeter and get to know every room. Then settle in!

My name is Jubilation T. Bloodhound, and I will be your host for this Field Guide. The Field Guide will help you navigate your human and other people you encounter with 37 Helpful Management Hints and special bonus 8 Woof Proverbs to instruct your human how to be happy, healthy and wise. Because, as an experienced owner of humans, let me tell you, sometimes humans are the goofiest creatures on the planet! A human writer named John Steinbeck said the following:

“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes…and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.”

Take it from me, Mr. Steinbeck is right. Sometimes humans are a bit daff and crazed. But you learn to go with the flow. It’s your job not only to manage humans, but to be their Life Coach. Teach them the dog skills of Life. This Field Guide will help you navigate the nutty world of humans, and help you enjoy the love you have with the human you own. Good luck with your human, and Woof!

WELCOME HOME

Buy the Necessities…and Toys

The first order of business is to make sure the human makes the right purchases of food, treats, toys, treats, a comb to brush you and more treats. This will help ensure your people have the right initiative and are smart and well bred.

Find Your Spot

Once you have explored the dwelling, find your spot in the house you are most comfortable in. Circle that area several times before lying down, just to be sure it feels right. This will be your spot for rest and privacy.

You may find you require a number of spots around the dwelling. One when the humans are gone (the bed or the couch, ideally, places the humans don’t generally like you to go) and another perhaps when humans are home.

If humans are cooking in the kitchen, you will want a spot where you can keep an eye on the kitchen happenings. See Human Proverbs for details.

For instance, any food that is dropped while the human cooks or eat is automatically yours. Sniff it sufficiently first. Be sure it is cool enough and that it is something you enjoy. For me, salads are out. Any kind of meat products are definitely in.

Manage your own Workload First

Before you can manage your human you first should take care of yourself. Make a daily schedule (See Make a Schedule) a priority and guard your time, setting aside a block each day to completing your own tasks without interruptions.

You might ask yourself, “Jubilation, what kind of schedule of tasks should I make?” I’m glad you asked. Here is my typical day: Eat. Sleep. Bark at something. Eat. Sleep. Bark at something. Make sure human gets exercise. Eat. Sleep. Bark at something. Time for bed.

Eager dogs can make the mistake of over-committing to their people and ultimately experience burnout, making them a less effective manager. Once you feel confident in your own schedule, you will be more attentive and focused on your people when they need you.

Make a Schedule

If it is a family of humans, be sure it is understood who will be responsible for giving you food, water, walks, exercise, clean-up, and grooming. Be aware of which human takes which responsibility. Sometimes humans will trade off duties. No worries. Keep a mental list of who does what, particularly in following your commands. It’s okay for you to play favorites and chum up to the one who chums up to you.

Very important you demonstrate a good attitude every day. First get up and stretch. Personally, I stretch out almost every hour, or at least after every nap. More on naps later.

Once stretching is over, it’s a good idea to go into the human room and wake them up. Sure, it’s only 4 in the morning. But you’re hungry and the human needs to get their day going. These humans have a saying: the early worm gathers no moss. Or something like that. More on Human Proverbs later. Now if the human doesn’t start moving right away, start growling at something right outside the window. Even if there’s nothing there.

There are four levels of waking up a human:

Nose them sweetly as they lie in bed
Growl at shadow outside bedroom
Bark at shadow outside bedroom
Howl like a mad banshee at shadow outside window

Start with Point 1 and work your way down to Point 4. Once the human is up, go back to Point 1 and let them know how happy you are that they can face the day and ready to feed you breakfast.

Breakfast

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and it’s important you eat well first thing in the morning. Don’t let the human forget this. You might have to catch your human’s attention by nosing your dog dish around the floor, so the human gets the idea you’re hungry. Ideally you have a dish that makes a lot of sound when you push it. Metal bowls are the best. They scrape and scratch over the floor surface and make a delightful irritating sound that will for sure get the human’s attention.

Nose the bowl toward the human. If the human is, perhaps, in the bathroom getting ready for the day, push the bowl right into the bathroom. Eventually, the human will get the idea. They are bright, these humans. They can learn your commands very quickly.

Naps

After breakfast, take a nap. Many naps are required for your day to be complete. See Managing Your Workload.

Note: the word ‘nap’ and ‘sleep’ are interchangeable in this Field Guide.

Let Your Human Adjust

Your new human is bound to feel insecure and frightened by changes in their environment when you first arrive. It’s important you get the human involved with your routine as quickly as possible. See Make a Schedule.

Get to Know your Human

To be an effective owner, you must understand the human or team of humans you are managing. Depending on their personalities, people respond differently to various dog leadership styles. Some require paws-on management while others excel when they are given freedom and flexibility. A smart dog can adjust their management techniques depending on who they are working with, cultivating every human’s potential with personalized attention.

Getting to know your human involves learning what inspires them. Knowing how the humans handle their day can help you understand how to motivate them to follow your commands. Humans must learn to know your daily schedule and in turn you must know to get the humans off the couch and take you for walks and nature excursions. You can start to learn about your human by noticing their individual habits. Perhaps like you they are hungry when they first get up and they head to the kitchen.

Kitchen

The kitchen is a go-to location in any dwelling. As I mentioned, you never know when the human inadvertently drops food on the kitchen floor (see Human Proverbs). Be ready to pounce when this occurs. Kitchen freebies are a great way for you to help the human keep the kitchen floor neat and tidy. We will refer to Kitchen later in the Field Guide.

Set House Rules

Teach your human from the beginning what is and is not appropriate behavior. If something is “OK” today, your human will think it’s OK always. Make sure every member of the family is aware of the rules you’ve set. Consistency is key to being a responsible owner.

For example:

Get them to feed you on a timely consistent basis. See Food Critic for food maintenance. Be sure they always provide plenty of fresh, clean water.

And:

Exercise

Make sure you’re giving your human enough exercise for their health, age, and size. If you’re unsure what type of exercise (and how much) is right for them, take them out for short walks first, then increase the tempo and duration as required. Be sure they play games with you. It’s fun and gets them off the couch.

We will refer to Exercise often in this Field Guide.

Know Your Human’s Patterns

You will become familiar with your human patterns of eating, drinking, sleeping. Any major variations in these patterns could indicate illness.

One of the great gifts we dogs bring to the world is kindness (See 8 Woof Proverbs). Helping those who are sick or in need of love is our greatest gift. We will discuss long term care later the Field Guide. But take it from Jubilation, when someone is sick, a good joke always works. Here’s one for you:

______________________________________

A man walks into a bar and spies a sad man sitting on a barstool alongside a dog with a For Sale sign around his neck. The man asks, “You selling the dog?” The sad man says “Yes. He’s free if you want him.” Intrigued, the man approaches the dog and says hello. “Hello,” the dog replies in perfect English. “And how are you?” Astonished, the man steps back. “You can talk! That’s amazing!” “Yes,” the dog replies, “I learned English, French and German while I was in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. That was after my stint fighting with the marines in the Middle East where I learned various Arabic dialects. Now I spend my days reading Shakespeare to residents of a retirement home.” The man stands there absolutely flabbergasted. He asks the sad man, “Why on earth would you get rid of such an incredible dog?” The sad man says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

_________________________

Delegate Tasks

Learning how to trust humans with key tasks allows you to focus on high-level dog duties instead of micromanaging your human. See Managing Your Workload. Once you learn about the human’s strengths, weaknesses, experiences and skills, you will be able to accurately delegate jobs to the human within a given time frame. For example, having them turn the doorknob and letting you in and out on command involves setting clear expectations with the human and ensuring that they feel confident in their ability to complete their portion of the task. By delegating responsibilities to the human, you demonstrate trust in their abilities and help them feel invested in your wishes and desires.

Develop Clear Goals

Set goals to guide your management effort. The human must understand when to feed you and when to allow you to nap so you can fulfill your busy workload. Creating goals at the beginning of your relationship will give the human guidelines and how the human can focus on their own behavior and how it impacts the success of the human-dog experience. Wag your tail and bark happily each time the human achieves one of these goals, no matter how small. It’s good when your human feels good about themselves.

Give your Human Jobs

Teach the humans your needs; when you like to sleep and when you like to eat and when you like to exercise. Giving your human a sense of purpose and accomplishment can increase their well-being.

Set a Good Example

You are responsible for your human well-being (See Life Coach). It’s important for you to set a good example. Owning a friendly, clean, well-mannered human reflects positively when you encounter other dogs you might meet in public.

Out in public with your Human

Show Your Pride

Bring your well-behaved human into public places. Be proud of the way your human throws the ball or plays with you. Advertise your human to all those other dogs you might encounter. It’s perfectly legal to be smug about the quality of your human.

Keep Your Human Fit and Trim

We dogs eyeball other dogs and the quality of the human they hang around with. Be sure your human eats a well-balanced diet and give them plenty of exercise. Bark at them if they overeat. Learn how many treats they can safely consume. These methods can help prevent obesity. And believe me, other dogs notice if you have an overweight human. We laugh at the quality of your human. See Exercise.

Demonstrate Consistent Leadership

Building trust with your human is an important part of being a good manager. One of the best ways to show that you are trustworthy and earn respect from the human is to be consistent in your behavior. When you let the human know, for instance, it’s time to wake up and feed you, you must stay consistent with this behavior every morning (see Make a Schedule). Although you should personalize your management techniques to each human you encounter, you also need to hold each human to the same standards of behavior. Allowing a human to – as they say – slack off is not good leadership. Consistent, reliable follow-through shows your human that they can trust you to be fair and equitable with everyone who happens to live in the household and are capable of following your commands.

Provide Positive Reinforcement

Praise your human for obeying your commands and behaving well. Positive reinforcement is a highly effective management technique where you reward humans who demonstrate excellence in the household. Such as scratching behind the ears, long walks or allowing you to take your naps (See Naps). Be vocal when you notice someone accomplishing a task such as petting and stroking you or giving you a massage (See Massage). You can recognize excellent work by something as simple as a woof! Or a soft bark or wagging your tail or through a structured reward system, depending on what motivates your human the best. Find something positive about every human in the household so you can recognize top performers and encourage the others to be more confident as they grow their skills and accomplish tasks on your behalf.

Give Honest Feedback

Good manager dogs are able to be tactful and direct with their humans when giving both praise and constructive criticism. To get the most out of your humans, you must be honest about their strengths and weaknesses, identify when their work is not up to your standard and strategize on ways the human can improve. Your feedback should be honest without being discouraging so that failures can be used as growth opportunities instead of demoralizing moments.

Dog kisses, for example, are an excellent way to demonstrate constructive praise. No, kissing a human is not gross. Actually, humans have a light salty quality to their skin that’s quite tasty. Try it.

Allow for Flexibility

Build a culture of mutual respect by being flexible with how each human accomplishes their responsibilities. Giving people the freedom to think they are in charge can help them enjoy their work and become more productive when it comes to following your commands. Help your people enjoy their station in life by encouraging them to customize their work process. When people feel that you as the household leader care about their well-being, they are more likely to accept direction and produce their best work on your behalf.

Exceed Your Own Expectations

Lead by example and show the humans that you hold yourself to the same standards that you expect of them. Even if you have more flexibility in your workload as a dog, it is important to show that you are a team player by abiding by the same deadlines and expectations you set for the humans. Demonstrate that you have a personal stake in the success of the household. Effective dogs not only treat their humans consistently but also manage their own behavior based on the same fair expectations.

For example, if you Workload requires 4 naps a day, sometimes attempt 5 naps in a day. Maybe even 6. This will demonstrate that you set high standards for yourself, and you are willing to meet and even exceed your own expectations.

Communication Skills

When you communicate, how does each human react? How well are they addressing your needs and desires? Customize your communications so you can manage each and every human in the household. There are licks, tail wagging, growls, barks, attentive nurturing, cuddling and soulful looks in your eyes. Know thy humans. Know how to grab their attention and, therefore, get what you want.

Humans have a tendency to yak yak yak like they have something important to say. As human Christopher Morley said, “No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.”

Indeed. When humans yak yak yak at you, act attentive. Have a concerned look. Clear eyes and a steady stare at their face will make them think you actually care about what they are saying.

Human communication sounds something like this: blah blah blah WALK blah blah blah OUTSIDE blah blah blah TREAT blah blah blah FOOD blah blah blah BALL. Do not worry about it. For the most part, their communications are not even about you. Their communications very likely have something to do with their non-dog life, like work or relationships or other such nonsense.

Human Proverbs

But sometimes it’s useful to pick up some of the communicated phrases a human might use. For management skills, it’s good to know what the human might be thinking. Humans have proverbs, just like dogs. Here are some handy proverbs humans use, and what they mean for you:

WHEN IN DOUBT, BLAME THE CAT

Actual Photo of Housecat

Oh, wait. That’s a dog proverb. Never mind. Here are some human proverbs:

TWO WRONGS DON’T MAKE A RIGHT

Although sometimes you need to chew on things multiple times in order to get your point across.

A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED

Humans are the best of friends. Indeed.

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY

Unless they leave cooked food on the kitchen counter. Sometimes you must pull the trigger and yank the food down to the floor where you can get at it. See When in Doubt, Blame the Cat.

GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE

Smart people usually have the same ideas as you for entertainment, like nature hikes and camping. If a human is smart enough to be with you, that human has a great mind. Let them know that.

HASTE MAKES WASTE

Like you want to make waste of that cat who thinks he’s in charge of the household. See Actual Photo of Housecat. Don’t be hasty. Bid your time before the attack. If you are hasty, you might make a mistake. Like ignoring the cat’s claws. Got to watch out for those.

IF YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE

Personally, I’ve never understood this proverb. Me, I love my naps. See Naps. Some days I nap more than I’m awake. See Managing Your Workload. Dog naps are a mandatory part of your workday. An associate proverb is Let the Sleeping Dog Lie. I think a dog came up with that one.

Now don’t bother me while I take another nap.

LIE DOWN WITH DOGS, WAKE UP WITH FLEAS

Whoever came up with this idea? Certainly not a dog. I am personally offended by this proverb. If you hear a human say it, act insulted. Turn your nose up and walk away. Go pout in a corner. That’s what I do.

LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP

Like, are you a water dog or no? You see a body of water in front of you. Do you jump in, or avoid the water altogether? Know thyself and your own limitations before jumping in. If you’re a water dog, go for it! Jump on in and enjoy!

MISERY LOVES COMPANY

That’s why you are there, my friend. Make the human happy when they are in troubled waters. It’s one of the great dog pleasures in life. See Life Coach.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

Silence is golden when you are with a human.

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

Old food can still be good. Sometimes better. Particularly if you find it yourself. Eat it up, yum!

IF YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SOMETHING, GOOD

Like an open gate. You can run and run and run…oh, wait. That’s another dog proverb. How’d that slip in here?

HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY

Another bogus human proverb if I’ve ever heard one. Never admit to a crime, no matter what you’ve done. Slept on the human’s bed while they’re gone? Sure, the bed blankets are ruffled and sure there’s obvious signs of dog hair in and around the bed. Deny, deny, deny. Act hurt if they accuse you of a crime. Be sulky and despondent. The nerve of them alleging you of such a devious act.

And then sleep on the bed the next time the human is gone. See Home Alone.

TOO MANY COOKS SPOIL THE BROTH

I don’t know about this one. I like a lot of cooks in the kitchen. More chance of elbows bumping and food spilling on the floor. Better yet if you mingle in the kitchen with the cooks, great chance of spillage. And if the broth is spoiled, it’ll probably end up in your food dish anyway. Woof!

PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH

Translation: Bark what you mean and mean what you bark. That’s another dog proverb.

OPPORTUNITY SELDOM KNOCKS TWICE

You’re home alone. The kitchen is now yours! See IF YOU CAN GET AWAY SOMETHING, GOOD.

CRIME DOESN’T PAY

Yes, it does.

DON’T COUNT YOUR CHICKENS BEFORE THEY HATCH

Right. Eat the chicken after it hatches. That’s the correct version of this motto.

TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE

When you are with your human, life is better. Put your two heads together, and you make a great team!

Or as my friend Franklin P. Schnauzer says, “Love a human, and you’ll find a permanent job.”

This is a short list of Human Proverbs the human might toss at you, like a ball. Now you’ll know what they might be talking about, and you can nod knowingly like you understand and care about all they’ve just said.

Human Should Know How to Groom

Me, I’m game for grooming anytime. Have a human stroke and brush me? Oof! This is nirvana! Some short-coated breeds need just a quick brushing every week, while some longer-coated breeds need daily brushing to prevent matting and manage shedding. But take it from your good friend Jubilation, I enjoy cuddling and being groomed by a human. Why, I’m even willing to get up from one of my daily naps, just to get groomed. Be sure to instruct your people about grooming.

Be Their Friend

Set aside time each day for play sessions. It’s fun, provides an outlet for your human’s energy, and strengthens the bond between you. See Exercise.

Take Walks in Nature

Getting out in nature and exploring is one of the best dog-human bonding experiences. See Exercise.

Plan Activities and Trips

Include your human in your activities. Take them to special places like the park or the beach or the lake. I’ve always liked rivers myself. Be sure they bring toys along, like frisbees or a tennis ball. Let them know which games you enjoy the most.

Massage

Studies have shown that humans giving you a massage may be beneficial to their health and behavior. Now after a long and exhausting day (See Manage your Workload) of eating, sleeping and barking, I can use a good massage. Have them stroke and rub your tired muscles, and maybe they’ll groom you at the same time, combing your fur. Ah, bliss! Cuddling up with my human and letting them work my tired muscles. Nothing is better.

31 Home Alone

Sometimes people will leave you home alone. Prepare to act sad and despondent that they leave. Make them feel sorry for you. More love and hugs for you when they feel like you’ve been neglected.

And then: party!

The kitchen is yours.

Be sure to clean up as best as possible, however, when you are finished.

Turning on Cuteness

But sometimes you find yourself caught in a bit of mischief and you need to turn on the charm. Now I don’t mean to brag, but when required, I am a very cute dog. In human Hollywood movies they call it the Right Look, or the Right Profile. For dogs, it is the Right Cute Look, or the Right Cute Profile. These suggestions will help you squirm out of quite a bit of mischief. In fact, it is a widely known fact that dogs who can turn on cue a Right Cute Look or a Right Cute Profile can get away with 30% more mischief. *

“Jubilation,” you might be asking, “How can I be cute on command like you?” There are a variety of Right Cute Looks and Right Cute Profiles. First and foremost is what is known as puppy eyes. Practice in front of a mirror with those big, round eyes, sweet, soft ears flopping over as you tilt your head. See Home Alone.

Another method is to actively raise your inner eyebrows and widen your eyes and roll over onto your back to expose your belly.

A third idea is mimicking your human with their own facial expressions. This includes smiling, which you again can practice in a mirror. A smile is simply pulling up the corners of your mouth to expose your teeth in a happy, non-confrontational manner.

In conclusion, practice your Right Cute Looks and Right Cute Profiles. Learn how the human reacts to a variety of your Cute Looks and Cute Profiles. Know which Looks and Profiles work on each human in the household.

This includes:

Puppy Eyes

Rolling on back

Smiling

Tilting head, quizzical look

Mimic human expressions

You may find other gestures that work with your particular human or team of humans. Harness these Cute qualities. Know how to turn on your Cuteness on Cue. Take it from your friend, Jubilation, this can get you out of quite a few jambs.

* I made up the 30% figure, but it sounds about right.

FOOD CRITIC

I know. You’re hungry. You’re always hungry. You’re willing to chew on a tin can if they let you. But sometimes you need to turn your nose up to food provided, just to let the human know who is in charge and that you expect better food once in a while. A hunger strike, just to keep the human off balance. Let them know you are a stern food critic.

It works even better if there’s more than one human in the house. Then you can play them off each other. This is perfectly legal. I even know about two humans who got a divorce, and they agreed on splitting all their assets but not the dog! It’s true. They went into a court battle over who got the dog. Keep that in mind as you manage your humans.

Anyway, play one human against the other when it comes to food. Maybe you’ll get extra love and kisses out of the deal. But be wary of dark and evil words like VET or APPOINTMENT.

See photos below:

Actual Photos of Real-Life Vets at Work*

Now I admit in these photos I may be slightly exaggerating veterinarians. But only slightly. The point is, as soon as you hear words like VET or APPOINTMENT, start to eat savagely. Enjoy every morsel you are given. Wag your tail and let them know how happy you are with the food provided. At least you got your point across and maybe got some cool meaty leftovers during your hunger strike.

*Not actual vets. Vets may differ from photos.**

**But not by much.

Host Frequent Check-ins

Schedule regular one-on-one meetings to assess the progress of each human you manage. High-performing people may have trouble voicing when they are overwhelmed with your wants and desires, so it is important to take the initiative as a dog and leader of the household to determine the human’s workload and any challenges they might be experiencing. Sometimes people simply need to be nurtured and loved. That is a key to your management style. This will also help you with each check-in so that you can identify common issues or long-term patterns of the human that require attention.

Ease Loneliness

Humans can sometimes feel lonely and depressed. Help your human with the minimum amount of fuss. Know when to greet your people calmly. Nurture and caress them when required.

Be Alert to Changing Needs

As your human ages, their needs will change. They may require a different diet, need more sleep, and be less active. Be attentive to these changes. This is part of your Long-Term Care.

Life Coach

We dogs have immense joy of life and no sense of shame. This makes us excellent Life Coaches for humans.

Let’s go over the 8 simple Woof Proverbs that you can cover with your people. These 8 simple Woof Proverbs will ensure your humans will be happy, healthy and wise.

8 Woof Proverbs