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RAYGUN

 

 

The story of how a loser named Dave Murphy became the most powerful man on planet Earth and destroyed an alien planet and civilization.

 

A man’s story for men by men, no women allowed: Warning, this story is very offensive to the humans species.

 

 

© Copyright 2018

 

DAVID EDWARD MARTIN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Footlong, Footlong, another planet, civilization and species was completely destroyed all because of a guy Dave never met, a guy he only heard of, a guy with the nick name of Footlong, he started all of this. It was all Footlong's fault and Footlong didn't even know that anything had happened. Footlong was oblivious to what was happening outside the confines and seclusion of his prison cell.

 

Dave was a loser with a capital L O S E R, there was no other way to put it. The only thing was though Dave became the most powerful man on the planet earth, even more powerful than the President of the United States. Anyone that ever knew Dave Murphy would describe him as a loser. Even though Dave had dreams and aspired to bigger and greater things he could never get further than his stock-boy minimum wage job at the 97.9999 cent store. The store owner, Snidley Snyder, thought he could corner the market on bellow a dollar junk by outselling both the .99 cent store and the dollar store to put them out of business by undercutting their prices. Snyder was going to call it the 97.666 store but decided that was far too satanic and his only customers would be a bunch of Goths and other weirdo’s like that.

 

Stock-boy Murphy, as they called the 49 year old Dave Murphy actually didn’t even make the minimum wage since Snidley Snyder’s favorite pastime was sitting in his office and shortchanging his employee’s hours on their timecards. Dave Murphy was by all definitions a fringe personality, a powerless loser going nowhere and doing nothing with his life. Even Murphy’s home life sucked, living with his two roommates in a rented house, with annoying neighbors and their annoying pets.

 

Dave’s roommates were also his coworkers. Caitlin was a hippy dippy chick whose 97.9999 cent store nicknames was poser snake woman for posing to be something she was not, like nice and cool. Her other nickname was Shorty even though she was really tall for a hippy dippy chick. Shorty was a nickname that she given herself for her ability to shortchange customers and keep the money as her tips for working at the 97.9999 store. Caitlin was also expert at kissing the bosses ass while talking shit about her coworkers. This was the basis of her other nick name, Caity two face.

 

James Billabong, yes that is his real name, was a stock boy like Dave Murphy but did little work and instead left it for Dave to do it all. Billy Bong’s main function at the 97.9999 cent store was keeping his boss, store owner Snidley Snider in weed. Bong also sold weed to his co-workers and anyone else that wanted really great chronic.

Dave always did bongs work. Snider would praise Bong for doing such a great job stocking and facing the shelves. Dave didn’t mind though so long as Bong made him great deals on AWESOMECHRON, this was Bongs own hybrid strain of weed and it was indeed killer weed as opposed to weed killer.

 

Dave’s other co-workers included Gary who was the cool manager. Trey Best the weasel who took the assistant manager job from Dave. Megan, the beautiful African American assistant manager that Dave had the panting hots for and the other assistant manager that Dave had the obsessive hots for, Stacy. Dave’s main and only goal in life centered around a threesome fantasy with Megan and Stacy. They were both very beautiful and seductive. They both had more seductive power than women should be allowed to possess. Dave wanted their sexual power to make him whimper with ecstasy like a little helpless puppy.

 

Whenever Megan or Stacy would walk past Dave, he would hit them up with one of his favorite pickup lines that never worked but have somehow gotten a lot of traction among the masturbating male dweebs of planet earth.

 

You know the corny lines like, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Yeah, those kind of lines, the lines that make women place you on their, caution this guy smells like a serial killer list.

 

At least Dave was a good judge of beauty where women were involved. Megan with her beautiful soft sweet sensual woman’s face, flawless soft chocolate brown skin, thick raven black hair, tiny waist with flat stomach, PPB’s (perfect perky breasts) strong defined muscular legs with a beautiful muscular arch on the front and one of the most perfectly cosmic pronounced behinds a woman has ever been blessed by the cosmos to own.

 

Stacy was equally bruised when she was dropped to earth from heaven, thought Dave. Stacy was a beautiful contrast to Megan with her radiant and glowing alabaster skin. She had a beautiful and exotic Raquel Welch movie star face and thick luxurious chocolate brown hair. Her supple and natural teardrop PSB’s (Perfectly Sized Breasts), followed by a tiny waist attached to BCBH’s (Beautiful Child Bearing Hips) and her PRB (Perfectly Round Behind) all combined to create Dave’s harmless and probably un-fulfill able obsession for the romantic tryst, the threesome he dreamed of with Megan and Stacy.

Megan and Stacy were Dave’s perfect threesome dream girls. They complemented each other. Dave fantasized daily of a puzzle of interlocking Megan, Stacy and him in the eternal bonded bliss of deep debauched fornication.

 

Stocking shelves like a witless drone gave Dave plenty of free time in his void of a brain to come up with names for his interlocking fornication jigsaw puzzle. Dave thought he could make millions of dollars trade marking the names and concepts of his Dave, Megan and Stacy naked jigsaw puzzles with them doing their love thang together. He envisioned franchising the puzzles for other threesomes who could then manufacture their own puzzles to sell.

 

Dave also envisioned his own rock band with him as lead guitar and singer, even though he couldn’t play the guitar or sing. Megan and Stacy would be backup vocals and dancers, maybe topless and maybe bottomless with full frontal nudity, it just depended on how good they looked naked. Besides though Dave it was far overdue that women needed to eliminate body shame by being naked more often.

 

The many names he came up with for his puzzle with Megan and Stacy, like fornication puzzle, just sounded like a rock band to Dave and besides he always wanted to be a rocker with the groupies offering themselves to him. Dave figured he would start the band and then learn to sing and play the guitar later. Dave figured he could Milli Vanilli it for a while until then.

 

Dave really liked the first band name he had come up with, DAVEMEGSTA. Wow he thought what a great rock band name. He also thought that once he convinced Megan and Stacy to engage in his unholy trinity that he would legally have his name changed to DAVEMEGSTA MURPHY.

 

The other names Dave came up with were almost as good as DAVEMEGSTA and it showed that Dave was giving deep thought to each. Dave knew that once you chose a rock band name you needed to stay with it or you would lose your fan base just like Prince and P Diddy did and found out the hard way about losing fans to name change. You don’t mess with greatness and as Prince and P Diddy found out, your first instinct is usually your best instinct.

 

Besides the DAVEMEGSTA rock band name Dave had other variations and ideas. Dave was also fond of the rock band name MEGSTADAVE (This is the name he intended to give to his first love child with Megan or Stacy). MEGSTA-ME, this was going to be Dave’s Gangsta Rap name when he branched out into hard core Rap music. STAMEG-ME but Dave thought this sounded too much like a grocery store spice although Dave worried that this association with this name may have been because he just finished stocking and facing the spice shelf at the 97.9999 store. Dave was going to give it some more thought after a cooling off period from the spice isle.

And finally STAMEGDAVE, Dave didn't like this name much because he realized that it was in reverse alphabetical order which Dave and his OCD found abhorrent. Dave always preferred the orderliness of alphabetical order that was demanded by his strict elementary school upbringing.

 

Yes Dave thought, to maintain order in the universe it will have to be DAVEMEGSTA! DAVEMEGSTA also had a good musical ring to it which was rock band perfect. Dave had to abandon his first instinct for a name for his rock group which was Dave and the Spice Girls. He worried that people might mistake his real Spice Girls, Megan and Stacy, for those other 1990s, now long irrelevant and defunct, British poser lip sync Spice Girls. Dave also considered another great rock band name, Dave and salt and peppa. Dave liked this name a lot but then after thinking about it for a while, his brainless shelf stocking efforts gave him a lot of time for this task, so Dave worried that it might be racially insensitive and maybe even racist and prejudice to make Megan the peppa, just because she was African-American. Wasn’t that stereotyping her just because of that beautiful dark chocolate brown color of her skin? And was referring to an African-American woman as peppa just because pepper is black and salt his white, wasn’t that just a horribly racially insensitive cliché, maybe even downright racism. No, Dave was afraid of the “R” word and the effects of being labeled with it and the impact it would have on the earning potential of his band. Besides thought Dave, there is white pepper so what nit wit decided that a Caucasian woman was salt and an African-American woman was pepper. Couldn't it be that salt and peppa were too hot Caucasian chicks and one of them was a little bland and salty and the other one, the peppa was kind of hot bitter but spicy?

 

Yes, Dave put a lot of thought into all of this, he didn't want any mistakes in the formation of his band and he didn't want to be accused of being the “R” word. Dave was generally in a constant state of denial when making his plans that were better suited for a 17-year-old testosterone packed high school kid than a 49-year-old minimum-wage earner with a dead-end brain void job that was addicted to Viagra, pot and masturbation with porn.

 

All this was about to change, however, Dave was about to become the most powerful man on planet Earth, even more powerful than the POTUS. Whenever Dave thought of the term POTUS to describe the President of the United States, Dave wondered if it really wasn't some form of government mind control delivering the message of smoke more pot in the US. Dave had heard that the US government was the drug dealer of all pot in the U.S., so it made perfect sense to him. He had heard that the government was using all the money from pot sales to overthrow foreign governments, and to keep the fake moon landing looking like it was real. All Dave knew was that the term POTUS had subliminal powers and whenever he heard the term he also had the urge to buy some weed. Since the government controlled news media used the term POTUS all the time Dave had the urge to buy weed a lot. Although really Dave thought that he liked weed so much he may have been reading too much into the Government conspiracy angle.

 

Of course, Dave liked weed and in reality smoked copious amounts of the stuff to escape the realities of being a 49-year-old minimum-wage shelf stocker. Dave also like playing video games, so Dave constantly struggled with the question of whether the government is making him smoke weed and play video games or whether he smoked a lot of weed and played video games just because he liked being high and shooting people.

 

Even more than weed mind control that bothered Dave is what he had heard about his videogame addiction. Was Dave’s videogame addiction really another genius government program as well? Dave was convinced that he knew that it was. He had heard through the videogame grape vine that video games were invented by the Pentagon to train an amazing cadre of American teenage assassins who could destroy enemy troops, cold bloodedly at will. Dave was told that this is why the government had eliminated the military draft. Why spend all that money training and equipping troops when you can simply addict teenagers to violent video games and have a ready force of violent testosterone charged teen boys to squash any country you wish. The only problem was that the Pentagon didn't anticipate was that video games would be translated into other languages and other countries that now had their own army’s of cold blooded teen killers.

 

So, finally the Pentagon gave up on the idea and said kings X to video killer training after they had unleashed the coldest blooded fighting force on the world since the Nazi SS and Star Wars storm troopers. Yes, loser Dave was about to become the most powerful man that ever lived this side of Jesus Christ. But, like the old Star Wars warning to Luke, could Dave use it wisely?

 

Dave's transition into the most powerful man on the planet strangely began with a weed fueled conversation he had with Billy Bong while at work, on the subject of urinating in public. Strange that such a simple conversation such as urinating in public can lead to a series of events that would change a life forever and the lives of those around Dave as well as an alien planet.

 

Dave and Bong had just shared a giant fatty of AWESOMECHRON in the stock room and now Dave was stocking shelves in the store while Bong watched and talked and texted drug deals for AWESOMECHRON. Man, said Dave, we drank so much beer last night I had to pull over on my way home and piss, I almost pissed my pants. I must have pissed for 5 minutes. Oh dude, replied Billy Bong, I hope you walked over off the road and got undercover where the drones, satellites, and cop Google Earth couldn’t see you. No man, I barely got out of the car, like I said I almost peed my pants, why, replied Dave. Oh dude, you might end up as a sex offender now and have to register wherever you live and go tell all your neighbors, then you are on the perv list and then you will be on Facebook as a weenie wagger.

Dave was starting to lose his AWESOMECHRON buzz when he remembered to just move down wind of Bong to refresh his buzz. Dave didn’t mind Bong not helping stocking because having him stand near him was giving Dave a decent contact high from all the THC that was evaporating off of Bongs clothes and body. Dave remembered that Bong never had trouble meeting women because they all liked the chronic train wreck perfume that emanated off of Bongs body. Women would say they got an extreme high whenever they gave Bong a blow job from all of the THC that his body and crotch secreted.

 

You may get a notice in the mail now, that's a bummer, said Bong. What are you talking about Bong, asked Dave? Well man, Bong replied, I know this dude, his nickname is Footlong, you know. It's not because the eats at Subway sandwiches, you know. Well, he does like Subway sandwiches but that's not why they call him Footlong but it's because of other reasons you know, yeah, he does like Subway sandwiches, you know, who doesn't but that's not why they call him Footlong. So now man, his new nickname is Footlong RSO. RSO asked Dave? You see man it's an actual Footlong even when it's cold out. They also called him club sandwich because his thing looks like a big fucking club attached to his body. You know kinda like those cave man clubs in the cave man cartoons in the Sunday funnies.

 

Oh yeah man and he aint named Footlong either cause his feet are 12 inches either man added Bong. In fact he actually has real small dinky feet, like size 7 and little girl hands added Bong. Well said Dave, so much for the big hands big feet big meat myth. Yeah man replied Bong.

RSO, asked Dave, what the hell is that man? Oh yeah responded Bong, Registrated Sexting Offencer or something like that. So what's that got to do taking a piss outside your car asked Dave ? Well, yeah man, this Footlong dude got popped by the cops for pissin in public and now he's on Facebook as a weenie waggin perv, well a footlong weenie waggin perv that is and he’s in prison doing time for waggin in public in a school penis free zone. I heard that that's why the cops came down on him so hard and charged him with a felony instead of a misdemeanor. That schlongasourous of his caught him a felony conviction, if it had been me or you we would have been charged with misdemeanors only, on account of our inoffensive sized junk. So what's Google got to do with this, asked Dave? Oh yeah so Footlong is taken a piss at the gas station, see and the wind blows the door open and bam bang. Bam Bang, the cops, asked Dave? No man, the wind but Footlong, he turns around all a sudden, like because it startled him. He said he thought it was the task force again to take his weed like before and he turns around to see, you know. Yeah but it's just the wind right asked Dave? Yeah, it was just the wind blew the door open said Bong. So what about Google asked Dave? I'm getting to that, so when Footlong is pissin, he's gets one of those piss hard on’s you know like you get in the morning normally, but Footlong gets em all the time I guess, on account he’s got high blood pressure. At least that's what I hear or maybe he’s just horny a lot. Man he needs high blood pressure to keep from passing out added Bong. Foot-long becomes really lightheaded when he has an erection, well lightheadeder more than his norm on account of it lowers his blood pressure so much, you know on account of that foot-long plus dick of his draining all the blood from his body and brain. The poor guy can’t think straight when he’s got the big wood and he didn’t think fast enough this time said Bong. That should have been his defense in court added Bong.

 

 

Yeah, then what happened asked Dave, what, Google Earth drives by with its Street view photo car or something? Yeah, sort of man, so he turns around and now with his big ole piss hard on which is more like foot and a half long or 17 inch long or foot five point zero long or whatever the mathematics guys figure it to be you know. Yeah and then what asked Dave? So, he stands there with this big monster cock in his hand and this dumb deer in the headlights lights blank stare, like the task force just kicked the door again but foot-long, you know, he's got one of those goofy all the time smilely faces, you know, because the shape of his mouth all the time looking like its smiling, you know like the Joker in Batman or like Tom Hanks is trying to pull off a dramatic role, you know, like saving Pvt. Ryan and he's killing krauts and Hank’s is smiling the whole time like he is getting off on it. Although, maybe killing krauts should make you smile. But, you know, it just doesn't work for drama, and he’s got one of those natural smiley faces. Okay, so Footlong is in the doorway, holding monster cock, I mean Foot and a half long, is in the doorway with that Tom Hanks, I can't even act but look at the kind of money they pay me to make this shit, kind of smirk look on his face. Then what asked Dave? Then what, replied Bong, bad timing is what happened man, foot-long, his new nickname is foot-long RSO, yeah bad timing man. Bad timing, what do you mean by bad timing, asked Dave? Did the cops drive by asked Dave? No worse man, picture this man, foot-long who is now foot and a half long with full male potency man, standing in front of the doorway, holding dearly onto his monster cock with that perverted Tom Hanks orgasmic look on his face and it was time for recess. Recess asked Dave, what do you mean by that?

 

I don’t get that Hanks guy, continued Bong. You know that Hanks smiley face ever present smirk, in Saving Private Ryan he’s slaughtering Germans, he’s smiling, he's getting his own man slaughtered, he’s smiling, he's getting slaughtered himself and he’s still smiling, what's wrong with that Hanks guy anyhow? He has a face designed for comedy and not drama I guess replied Dave.

 

I don’t know man replied Bong, Hanks was born of a naturally happy face I guess, yeah but it does make it really unrealistic and just plain bad casting when he's killing Krauts or surviving Apollo 13 when he really has the natural face that should've played the Joker in Batman.

 

So what about Footlong and Google earth asked Dave? Bad timing man, it was recess at the Montessori school across the street. The playground is packed with little kids and teachers Replied Bong. Oh shit, so foot-long, errect monster 18 inch cock schlongasourous in hand, with that perve Tom Hanks smirk on his face, open door, and an audience of little kids and teachers next door at the school, does that some it up asked Dave? Well, not quite, replied Bong. So when Footlong sees all the kids and teachers he freezes, rather than turning away, you know, like the horror films were the chick freezes so the head cutter won’t see her standing there, like not moving is going to make you invisible or something. Then what, asked an eager Dave? Nothing said Bong. Nothing, asked Dave? Yeah nothing replied bong, Footlong just stands there for 5 minutes holding that huge pecker with the movie star smiley look on his face like it's one of those Mexican standoffs from the movies, you know like the ending of Good, the Bad and the Ugly but with a penis instead of a gun, his junk stays hard the entire 5 minutes so maybe he is just a perv. So the kids and the teachers just stand there staring also, they said you could hear a pin drop. One teacher told the cops it was like a stare down contest with a one eyed monster. One eyed monster cock Dave interrupted. Yeah, that’s the same thing the cop said, replied Bong. Then what asked Dave? Divine intervention, said Bong.

 

Divine intervention asked Dave? Yeah, the wind comes up and the door slams shut by itself finally. The cops spent an hour grilling him about who his perv accomplice was that slammed the door. Footlong tells them that it was Jesus, they were all Mormon Cops and didn’t like that. Really, foot-long wasn't a perv he was just a victim of circumstances, added Bong. Victim of circumstances, asked Dave? Yeah answered Bong, circumstances, you know the wind and an act of God, that’s what got him sent to prison. Act of God asked Dave, you mean the wind? No man, replied Bong, act of God how he was hung man, that's what people refer to him as being born gifted. You're not one of those atheist nonbelievers are you, asked Bong? No replied Dave. So man, continued Bong, since his arrest was in the newspapers porno production companies have been trying to recruit him into the industry, when he gets out of the joint he’s gonna be raking in the dough.

 

So, I don't get Google, asked Dave? Oh yeah, so the cops show up and they got to have the kids identify him and well you know, during the entire 5 minutes, no one looked at his face because, you know, it was like going to the freak show at the circus or driving by a car wreck, you are just so surprised by how freakish it looks that you just can't look away. Penis envy, I know what you're talking about said Dave. Exactly, said Bong. The teachers that saw it said they were sure it was a dildo. When the cops told them it was real all the teacher chicks and some of the teacher dudes asked if Footlong is on Facebook. So, Google, asks Dave? Coming to that, responds Bong. So to identify foot-long, the cops have to do this photographic lineup thing and the kids have to pick him out of six different photographs to identify him. So you know what happens right, asked bong? No one looked at his face, responded Dave. Yeah man, cops said it was the first time they ever did a dick lineup. But, Footlong says they cheated, put all these 4 1/2 inchers up against his, well kids all know what supersize is from McDonald's. So they point to foot-longs as the culprit. Footlong says, he thinks some of the competition in the photo lineup where the cops taking photos of their own junk just to be perv. And also, added Bong, the cops they are envious because Footlong is BDT. BDT asked Dave, what's that he asked? You know, replied Bong, Big Dick theory, that's when a guy never has to ask a girl out on a date. Oh, well, except the very first time.

 

What do you mean asked Dave? You know, if you've got a real big Dick like Footlong once you go on your first date and bang a chick she then goes to her friends about her new boyfriend and brags about what a big Dick he has. Then the news spreads like wildfire and every chick that hears about it, throws herself at him hoping to ride the one eyed monster cock. Oh yeah, I knew one of those guys, said Dave. Foot-long, you know that guy doesn't have to look for girls to date there's a waiting list of women looking to ride that pony, or Clydesdale I guess I mean. The word is out among women about his monster cock and they're lined up like hens in the henhouse, waiting for the cock to crow, the monster cock that is, Bong said.

 

Yeah continued Bong, so the cops were jealous you know and those poor kids who spent 5 minutes, shit that must have felt like five years looking at that nasty looking thing, so they'll have to go through therapy for seeing that nasty donkey Dick attached to a human being. They were all diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder. Man, them boys that saw Footlong’s Gigantasourous are going to grow up feeling inadequate and wondering how come they don't have a monster cock like foot longs, you know. Like when you watch porno and think you got genetically shortchanged. You know, you ask the great one, why ain't I gifted Lord. Yeah, thanks for nothing mom and dad, damn you genetics! Even worse, Bong continued, all those girls will grow up feeling shortchanged by their boyfriends like the boyfriends are some mini dick freaks that belong in a mini dick circus sideshow. They will spend the rest of their lives looking for foot long sized dicks. But, foot sized peckers are an extreme minority in the population so female competition for them is fierce, chicks cat fight over the damn things, they are highly prized among very competitive women.

 

There's a lot of little girls that will grow up unhappy, unfulfilled women all because 5 minutes viewing Footlong. So, I don't get the Google connection, asked Dave? Yeah man, I'm coming to that, I needed to cover everything else first. So the cop tells Footlong" hey perv we got cop drones in the sky, we got cop satellites in outer space and we got cop Google Earth so we get a picture of you with your pecker out urinating in public you automatically become a registered sex offender. The cop told foot-long if we get you on film with your cock hanging out we own your ass, and your Dick as well. The cop tells him, that's going to follow you for life and on Face book. After that you aint getting no Christmas job at Toys R Us or work as Santa Claus with the kids straddling that big tube snake. Foot-long asked the cop but what about my civil rights? The cop told him he didn't have civil rights because he's a perv and that civil rights was so 1970s. Wow, they can catch you with your dick out on Google Earth, that’s shit man, said Dave. Yeah so if you gotta Pee outside replied Bong, you better get in some trees where the drones, satellites, and cop Google earth can't spot you man. Thanks for the advice Bong, said Dave, I didn't know that.

 

Hey Bong I was wondering asked Dave? Yeah man replied Bong. So I wonder how a guy with a 12 inch dong sits on the toilet without his dong hanging in the water, asked Dave? I don't know, never thought of it replied Bong maybe he ties it in a knot to keep it out of the water, wow you got a real abstract mind Dave added Bong.

 

So his longasourous is hanging down in the toilet water, I mean your poopin on your own pecker. How does he handle that just give it a good antibacterial wipe down after or what, asked Dave? Tie it in a knot so it doesn't drown itself I guess answered Bong?

It wasn't long after the foot-long conversation that Dave became the most powerful man on earth and it directly resulted from Bongs warning, so Bong should share some of the credit or infamy for making Dave the most powerful man on earth and an alien planet. Could Dave use his new powers wisely?

 

Dave was driving home after his shift stocking shelves at the 97.9999 cent store. He and the other employees that handle the store closing enjoy their usual closing routine of sharing a case of cheap beer and smoking some AWESOMECHRON, not to be confused with Bongs new and improved hybrid chronic, AWESOMECHRONBONG. So when Dave was driving home he had an explosive urge to pee. Shit, Dave thought, drones, satellites and Google Earth made it almost impossible to pee anywhere out in the open even at night in the dark the nightvision cameras can see, Dave thought.

 

Dave was suffering from weed induced paranoia and drove down a rural road to find some trees that would give him cover from all the cameras flying on and around the planet. Dave finally found a place to pull off into the trees where he felt safe from big brother. Dave thought, under these trees big brother couldn't get a Dick pic of him while he is draining his lizard, as Dave was fond of saying when he urinated. Dave walked into the woods and found a place he thought would be safe. Finally, Dave felt the relief of the draining of his lizard. AH, ah, Dave drunkenly mumbled to himself, a good pee feels really good he thought. Then, in the middle of his peeing, Dave saw flashing lights through the trees directly in front of him. This freaked Dave out. Shit had he thought, the cops have forest cams as well. Dave ducked and turned while still peeing covering his own shoes in a liberal coating of drug and alcohol saturated urine.

 

Dave thought he had good enough cover to not be picked up by the police forest cams but he also in his drug and drunken haze felt that he would take the sex registrant conviction just to drain the second half of his bladder. Then it occurred to Dave that the flashing multicolored lights in the forest up ahead might just be his trip on the magic mushrooms he had ingested at the beginning of the shift at the 97.9999 cent store. Oh what a relief thought Dave as he walked back to his car forgetting about the colored lights. At his car he grabbed another beer from his cooler and opened it taking a chug. Now, he could hear noise coming from the area of the colored lights. The noise was a sound that was familiar to him. It was clearly the sound of laser tag guns. Cool man, Dave said to himself, people doing laser tag at night, what a trip.

 

Dave took his longneck beer and made his way through the forest to watch a little bit of the nighttime laser tag game in the forest. Dave came to a clearing and saw a full game in play. The players were even dressed as aliens and were dodging and taking cover from each other in full laser tag tactical glory. Then Dave witnessed something that he thought was probably the result of the magic mushrooms, weed, alcohol and Molly or a combination thereof. One of the laser taggers fired at his, her, or its opponent and the opponent disappeared just like in the old Star Trek TV show. Dave thought he was not seeing right when in short succession the players continued to disappear after being laser tagged until there only two facing each other. The player on Dave's left fired but missed. The player on Dave's right jumped out from behind a rock and made ready to fire when he, she, or it, slipped on a fallen tree branch dropping the laser tag pistol. Then he, she, or it, on Dave's left, fired again vaporizing, the he, she, or it on Dave's right. The game was over. The player on the left began walking back into the works. Just as he, she, or it, began to make way into the woods a bright light from deep inside the woods appeared and an alien looking spacecraft raised the sole survivor into the ship and then boogied away out into space. After a few minutes another bright light appeared and a second ship rose out of the woods and fled into the night sky. Dave watched as it went up into the sky faster than is possible for any aircraft and then turn two perfect 90° angles, then it disappeared into the stars at light speed. Dave saw a small light from where the vaporized alien had slipped on the tree branch. Dave went over to the light and picked up what looked like an old flip cell phone.

 

Dave thought it might be dangerous and he was afraid he might hurt himself with it so he kept the long ends pointed away from his body. Dave said out loud to himself, what the shit, how does this thing work? Then, a screen on the device came on and displayed something that resembled gibberish to Dave. The screen then went blank. How does this damn thing work asked Dave, out loud. Again the screen came on, this time it showed a picture with data of the he, she, or it, that was the last thing standing in the alien gunfight that David witnessed.

 

Dave took a risk and held the device with the picture in the screen oriented as it would be on a cell phone. Dave said okay how can I figure this thing out? The screen came on again and began displaying the gibberish until finally the rolling gibberish stopped and the screen said Earth English, with a question mark. Dave replied yes.

 

The device then said instructions to operate multiphase disruptor and storage device required? Yes said Dave, excitedly. The device then gave instructions that the mpdasd4500 works by absorbing neural brain waves to instruct it what you wish moleculeized. Once you think of the object and the object appears on the screen place your thumb on the item display on screen and the mpdasd4500 will dematerialize the item. Dave instantly thought of Megsta’s bras and panties which showed on the screen.

 

Dave then chugged the rest of his beer, tossed the bottle on the dirt and then thought about it. A display of the bottle came on screen and Dave touched it. Zap, the bottle was gone. Oh hell yeah Dave thought, just think of the possibilities? Dave made his way home with his still drug and alcohol loaded brain going over what he could do with this amazing device that divine providence had delivered into his hands. Dave didn't know it yet but the device was going to complicate his life more than he could ever think. On his way home Dave looked for another test subject for the mpdasd4500 device. Dave saw a cottontail bunny rabbit along the side of the road, no he thought, that would be cruel and besides he already knew the device worked on beings since he witnessed the he, she, or it being vaporized. What to do, what to do, thought Dave.

 

Dave didn't consider the moneymaking ability of the device but couldn't get the sexual potential of it out of his mind. Dave was excited to try the device out in Starbucks which was usually busy this time of the evening. Dave entered Starbucks and ordered a coffee. He spotted a beautiful blonde with big natural breasts seated at a bistro table with a female friend. The blonde was wearing a sheer top with a black bra underneath. Dave got into position so the woman wouldn't see the beam from the device. Bra he thought to himself, and then the device displayed a picture of the bra. Dave pressed the picture on the device, and the device did its job. Instantly the beautiful blonde’s nipples appeared as though they were going to tear through the cream-colored sheer blouse that she was wearing. Dave could see that her nipples were dark chocolate brown color. Dave thought that her blonde hair must be a bleach job. Then they heard the blonde's friend say, Jennifer, your high beams are on. Jennifer looked down her blouse and replied: I know I put a bra on tonight it must've popped off, as she reached around her blouse feeling for her bra.

 

Dave next set his sights on a woman with an amazing ass wearing white pants that fit her body and ass flawlessly as though they were painted on. Dave didn’t like the fact that her panties were ruining the view. Zap, the panty lines were gone. Dave was very happy with the device’s ability to take clothing off without a woman being able to feel it. Dave knew he could put the mpdasd4500 to good use not to mention having a lot of fun with it. Dave was enjoying his coffee when one of the two twenty something’s next him saw the mpdasd4500 in his hand and said sarcastically, hey old-timer, that flip phone is so 90s you should upgrade. The two twenty something’s both laughed at Dave. Dave took his time finishing his coffee.

The two twenty something’s continued to chat and giggle and look at Dave. Dave nonchalantly held the mpdasd4500 under the table and thought of the two women's clothing, from the waist down and then, zap. Dave almost regretted this because the sarcastic nasty one had really beautiful lady parts and was also nasty looking in a good way. The two twenty something’s didn't notice their missing clothes from the waist down since they were sitting up next to the bistro table. Dave heard the nasty one remark, it sure is cold in here. Dave thought about leaving without watching what happened then felt a surge of power and the necessity to see his experiment through. Dave went up to the manager while preparing himself what to say as Dave was normally a passive doormat kind of guy.

 

Dave put on his angry face of indignation and went to the manager and said hey man what the hell is with this disgusting place. What's wrong sir the manager asked? Your sign on the door says, no shoes, no shirt, no service. So this disgusting coffee shop doesn't care if you don't wear pants? What the hell is this a Starbucks for swingers or something? What do you have an orgy room in the back or something? I bring my kids here for God's sake, ranted Dave. I'm sorry sir, what's the problem, the manager asked? Those two disgusting women at that table are not wearing anything from the waist down. This place is disgusting, I'm reporting this to the health department and I hope it gets you closed down, yelled Dave while making a big scene. All the customers in Starbucks then quit talking and turned to Dave. Dave got even louder those two ugly chicks at that table have their disgusting naked and unsanitary ass cracks on the chairs that everyone else sits on, you will need to burn those chairs now, I will never come here again yelled Dave. Just then, the two twenty something’s stood up and began screaming while covering their lady parts. Dave exited the Starbucks with a new found power and sense of justice. The manager threw the women out of the store. As they rushed past Dave he said to the sarcastic one: do you need to use my old flip phone to call for some pants you disgusting slut.

 

When Dave got home he had now transitioned from a beer, weed, psilocybin and coffee high to an adrenaline power high, the high of the Ray gun. Dave was high on power and vengeful happiness and he didn't sleep at all. Dave spent the entire night formulating plans of what to do with the mpdasd4500 Ray Gun. Dave thought the possibilities were endless. Dave thought mainly about using the Ray Gun to see women naked.

 

The next day Dave thought about the battery life left in the Ray gun and hoped to didn't poop out on him before he could accomplish what he had planned for it. Like Yoda said, Dave would have to choose wisely how to best use the alien device.

 

The next day Dave was stocking and facing shelves when he saw one of his tormentors shopping in the store. This woman in her 60s was cursed with an ugly unloved face and unloved body with especially nasty looking sagging boobs that were only held above her waist line with an industrial strength bra. Nasty tits, as the store employees had nicknamed her (there were several other customers with nasty tits names that the employees had given classification to such as gross nasty tits, wrinkled nasty tits, wart covered nasty tits, skin tag covered nasty tits, smelly nasty tits and many other nicknames in a similar light), would go through the shelves picking up items and then placing them in different locations in the store. She also would fill her basket and then when she got to the checkout line she would say: oh I don't want that or that or that. Frequently she would do this after the item was the rung up so manager had to be called to delete the transaction thereby keeping everyone in line waiting. Nasty tits also enjoyed trying the deodorant and then replacing it on the wrong shelf, opening the perfume, using some of it and placing it back on the shelf, always without putting it back in the box and always replacing it on the wrong shelf. Nasty tits also sampled food, or would eat an entire bag or box of something and leave it somewhere in the store and she would also consume drinks and leave these inside the store without paying. Nasty tits reasoning was that it was not stealing since the barcode on the package remained in the store.

 

The employees ignored nasty tits stealing because they were constantly shortchanged hours by owner Snidely Snyder, so much that they liked seeing him lose product to thieves. Nasty tits really liked wearing a blouse that showed off her repulsive midriff and stomach fat roles, stretch marks, and discussing growths. You know someone like nasty tits, sure you do.

 

Dave formulated a plan. He took the Ray gun and set it for bra removal. Dave got into position with the Ray gun and fired on nasty tits. Then her repulsive nasty tits drop down below her waist and revealed to the world just how nasty they really were. Dave then went to the intercom at the register and called for the owner Snidley Snyder declaring a store emergency. Snidely Snyder came up to Dave and asked him what’s the emergency? Sorry boss, Dave said but I thought you would want to know, that customer over there is showing off her nasty tits in the store, there's kids and you know boss she's going to hurt your business and get you sued also.

 

Holy shit, replied Snyder, I will throw her and her nasty tits out of here right now. It was satisfying for Dave to get rid of the shelf disrupting and product thieving, nasty tits. Strike another blow for democracy thanks to the Ray gun. Vengeance is mine saith Dave.

 

Dave thought it interesting Snyder had come up with the same nickname for nasty tits as the other store employees had. Dave thought that probably even her own parents called her nasty tits as a pet name. All Dave heard of Snyder's conversation with nasty tits was that she was banned for life and nasty tits replying that she was a long-term customer and that someone had stolen her bra while in the store and to call the police. Snyder responded those nasty things probably rotted the bra off of your body; now get your nasty self and your nasty tits out of my store.

 

Dave felt like a superhero avenger after taking care of nasty tits. Dave immediately went to Megan and told her what happened leaving out the part about his use of the Ray gun. While Dave was talking to Megan he wondered what she looked like naked. Oh yeah thought Dave, she had to look amazing naked but since he had never seen her without clothes on, just how amazing is she, Dave wondered? As he talked to her another part of his brain was multitasking to figure out how to Ray gun off Megan’s clothes without getting her fired.

 

Well, there was still time Dave thought. He would also have to use the same technique on Stacy to determine her naked value. Dave went home and smoked some AWESOMECHRON and went to sleep dreaming of all the wonderful things the Ray gun would bring him such as nude Megan and nude Stacy.

 

The next day Dave was off work so he used the time to formulate plans for the use his new powers. His only worries were that the Ray gun would run out of battery life and quit working. He thought to himself that he may have wasted some shots with the device on the two twenty something’s and nasty tits. Dave noticed a scale on the Ray gun display. It had room on it and if it was the battery life it looked like it had not even moved. If this was the battery life Dave would have thousands of things he could accomplish with the device that he lovingly nicknamed his Ray gun.

 

When Dave finally got out of bed Caitlin, his roommate and coworker, was at the kitchen table counting the money she had shortchanged her customers. Shortchange Cait was her nickname at the store. Caitlin had shortchanging customers down to a fine science. She would take a $20 bill from a customer transaction which totaled less than $10 in merchandise and then give the customer change as though they had given her a $10 bill instead of a 20. She seldom got caught and if the customer did catch on she would merely tell them that her dog, peace love muffin, had been run over by a car and was at the vet and she was waiting to hear back to see if peace love muffin was going to live so she was distracted. This always worked. Caitlin could use this technique also if the customer had less than a five dollar transaction but paid with a 10. All Caitlin had to do was palm and then pocket the amount she shortchanged the customer after they left. The cash drawer would always still tally up right by using this method. Dave knew Caitlin had done this to him many times so he quit going to her register.

 

Caitlin was at the table counting her daily tips as she called them, $160 today she said. Don't you feel guilty about this Caitlin, asked Dave? Guilty, they need to pay more attention in line if they don't want to leave me tips, she said laughing. Besides, I needed it more than they do. I need this money. I'm working my way through college to become an ethics teacher in high school. Dave had some coffee and then lay down on the couch wondering about his next fun adventure with his Ray gun.

 

Dave told himself he needed to figure out a way to use the Ray gun to make money. It would make a kick ass demolition tool for the Dave Murphy demolition company tearing down old houses. It would only take a minute to zap a whole house or possibly a skyscraper. Dave had no way to test this theory. After a few minutes pause Dave knew that the Dave Murphy demolition company wouldn’t work because a building vanishing overnight would draw too much attention to Dave and his precious Ray gun.

 

Then Dave’s mind, would as usual, switch back to the sexual possibilities for the Ray gun. Dave enjoyed putting the twenty something’s into their place as well is nasty tits so he thought he could continue on with this vigilante quest of his, but who or what next? Then it hit him, that was the answer that was how he could use the Ray gun for justice by going after all of those rude people that bother you every day. You know the ones, the assholes of life.

 

You know, the cut in liners, the honk their Horner's, the tie up the liners. Dave liked the idea of his new purpose in life, he wanted only two things now, teaching rude people a lesson and a three some with Megsta.

 

Dave obsessed, a threesome with Megsta, a threesome with Megsta, a threesome with Megsta but thought Dave, what if one or both didn't look as good naked as they did with clothes on. Was that even possible wondered Dave? Doubtful he thought, but still if he was going to invest himself in the Megsta threesome he had to be sure they were both threesome worthy.

 

Dave began formulating his plan to see Megsta’s beautiful woman’s bodies naked without them knowing it was him. Dave knew from experience, bad experience, that where women were concerned sometimes the fantasy could be better than the reality. Dave thought back to a couple of girlfriends he had in the past. Oh they still felt great naked but had some visual imperfections that sometimes dulled down Dave’s sexual excitement.

 

Both of these girlfriends were really good looking stoner chicks with their clothes on but owned some minor flaws with their clothes off. Oh, nothing so bad that they couldn't get laid five times a day seven days a week but slightly less desirable attributes then most women have.

 

The first was the cool stoner chick that grew the best indoor Mota that Dave had ever had the pleasure of numbing his brain to. Her name was Sally. Sally had beautiful thick black hair that she kept rasta style. Unfortunately for Sally her hair was super thick everywhere else also.

 

Sally had these beautiful ultra dark chocolate brown large permanently erect nipples. Dave loved her amazing nipples with one exception. Dave always found that he loved Sally's nipples better if he smoked a good fatty with her. This way he could overlook her minor but very notable nipple flaw. You know the one, it’s almost impossible for a woman’s nipples to not be perfect to a man’s liking, after all they are chick nips but Sally the hippy had just that one small problem.

 

Sally probably held the Guinness world record for Hairy nipples. Guys and gals who ever saw Sally's nipples would describe them as monster hairy nipples. Sally, although very beautiful, wasn't into laser hair removal or anything like that. Sally was into natural, ganja, and what nature intended. To Sally Mother Nature and the ganja goddesses intended her to be hairy.

 

Sally's nipples were so hairy that she braided them. This wasn't natural of course but her nipples were ultrasensitive and she had frequent nipple orgasms which she liked a lot. So Sally found that to allow a guy or gal to get to her nipples properly with their tongue she had to braid the hair out of the way. Sally had considered hair removal once when she was shedding and her romantic partner had to keep spitting hair her out of her mouth. Sally was worried if she had the hair removed she would no longer get her intense nipple orgasms?

 

Sally had so much body hair that her friends and romantic partners had nicknamed her cavewoman and jungle woman Sally. Sally worried that if she had the hair removal and she lost her nipple orgasms there would be no turning back. Sally liked her braided nipple hairs so much she thought about doing the same to her armpits but worried it might look kind of freakish when she was wearing her favorite wife beater T-shirts in public. Sally would tell people that her nipple braided hair was the nipples of the Caribbean and called her nipples her Jack sparrows, then she would usually end the statement with a hardy, Yargh.

 

Sally's nipples were not the only film reference she gave to her lady parts. Sally, according to her friends and partners, also had the biggest hairiest muff any woman ever sported between her legs. It was good that Sally was so good at using it and it was so hot and juicy otherwise it was so overgrown that no man or woman would want to touch it. Again as with her nips, Sally would not trim her muffin, let alone shave it. She said that if she did it would be unnatural and the ganja goddesses would curse her for it. Sally was also worried that she might lose her sexual powers like if she cut her pube hair like what happened to Sampson when Delilah got through with him.

 

Whenever Sally wore a tight fitting skirt she had this huge bulge in her crotch. People would look at Sally wondering what she was holding down there, a pound of weed or maybe a Walther P PK pistol, or was she a Tranny? Speaking of pistols that's how Sally got her nickname, from Yosemite Sam holding his two six shooters. Whenever Sally went swimming at the public pool it would scare children because of the large mat of hair that protruded out of the side of the crotch of her bathing suit. Parents would be asked by their children, why mommy and daddy does that girl have a mustache in her pants. Some irate parents would call the cops. The cops would explain the law to the parents saying the legal standard was that if no portion of her labia was hanging out it was just pubic hair that she was not in violation of the Penal Code and there was nothing they could do. There was no pubic hair in public ordinance in their community. The cops would add that pub hair was the same as having hairy legs, arms and armpits at the pool.

 

The first time the cops were called on Sally they thought maybe ganja Princess Sally was at the pool doing a drug transaction. The cops knew that many of the drug dealers in the area used the pool to do transactions so they could see if the other person was wearing a wire. So, the first time they were called on Sally they called in the police matron to search her. The matron reported to the detaining officers, no dope, it's 100% hairy Bush. This comment angered the normally docile and stoned Sally that she wore a thong bikini the next few times to the pool so the cops would get called each time and they could see that there was nothing hiding in the thong.

 

On these occasions Sally's muff looked like she had pasted a large round dense piece of thick black industrial high-traffic carpeting to her crotch. After a few times in the thong Sally became miffed when nobody seemed to take notice. Sally's muff was so thick and dense that one time Dave was muff diving her when he dislodged a goldfish cracker from under Sally's shag carpet like beaver. Dave thought the goldfish had been hiding there were quite a while and he asked Sally when the last time she ate some goldfish crackers was? She said she couldn't remember but it'd been a long time. Dave thought about munching the goldfish cracker but then decided that would be gross. He then thought it was a shame to waste perfectly good food when people are starving in India just like his mother would tell him when he didn't finish his plate at the table. Dave further thought it can't be that gross since he was just muff diving in the strawberry patch. Dave felt the goldfish in his hand for a while contemplating whether to eat it or not. Finally he tossed it to Sally's dog who had been eyeing the cracker with hungry affection. Dave thought that it shouldn't go to waste and it made the dog very happy, win-win, concluded Dave.

 

After this incident Sally would always ask Dave if he wanted to go gold fishing tonight? Whenever Sally would wear a bathing suit or on the rare occasion she would wear panties Dave would comment: oh, I see Yosemite Sam is out today. Dave's comment was in reference to the length Sally's muff hair would hang out each side of her bathing suit or the rare occasion panties and its similarity to the drooping mustache of cartoon villain Yosemite Sam.

 

Sally liked the comparison since Bugs Bunny was your favorite cartoon as a child and she always wondered what it would be like to have a man's mustache on her face and so a “CROTCHSTASHE” as she named it was the next best thing. Sally's friends and partners would ask her how Yosemite Sam was doing today. Sally liked the reference so much she finally had a tattoo of Yosemite Sam put on the front of her abdomen so when she wore her bathing suit Yosemite was wearing Sally’s“CROTCHSTASHE” holding two pistols with the caption back off varmints. Finally Sally graduated to the nickname of Yosemite Sall.

 

Dave was was proud that he had been the trend setter and given Sally the Yosemite Sall moniker for her drooping long cowboy “CROTCHSTASHE”. One Halloween Sally tried another fictional character with her “CROTCHSTASHE”. Sally's favorite mystery writer was Agatha Christie and her favorite character was Hercule Poirot. At the party Sally wore a bikini bottom with Hercule Poirot’s hair, eyes and nose painted onto her stomach and abdomen. Sally had mustache waxed her normally drooping Yosemite Sam CROTCHSTASCHE into a tightly waxed pinpoint Hercule Poirot Stache. Many people who saw it said it was even longer than actor David Succhet’s mustache from the Public Broadcasting Service series.

So Dave hoped that Meg and Sta, also known as salt and pepper didn't have a freakish hair problem like Sally. Dave was hoping for a harmonious long-term threesome lasting 1 to 2 years at least.

 

Dave's other worry about MEGSTA was that he worried that one or both of them possessed rose petal syndrome. Dave had once dated a very beautiful blonde with an exquisite lovely face, big beautiful teardrop shaped boobs and female perfection from the waist down with the exception of one part, Dave's favorite part, every guy's favorite part, the most important part, the best part.

 

Dave really fell hard for this girl. She was physically beautiful had a good job and was kind and generous, so why couldn’t she ever keep a man, why didn't her boyfriends stick around? Finally Dave discovered after consummating their relationship that her vagina felt absolutely amazing, it was burning hot and incredibly juicy, like the really good ones are. But then Dave figured out why such a beautiful woman couldn’t keep a man. Dave’s new girlfriend, Roxanne, had UVS. UVS also had other acronyms to describe it such as ULS, SVS and WVS, depending on the speaker's preference of acronym.

 

Dave was talking to Bong about Roxanne and mentioned that she had LOL and that’s why he quit dating her. LOL asked Bong, you mean she liked to laugh out loud he asked Dave? No Bong replied Dave, you know, lots of Labia.

 

Yes, Dave found out Roxanne had ugly vagina syndrome, also known as ugly labia syndrome, scary vagina syndrome and weird vagina syndrome. Roxanne had those labia lips that just went everywhere and were very pronounced. Dave recognized that it was just genetics and not something she had done to cause it like having sex 30 times a day. Still Dave thought, it feels great but it's just hard to look at and Dave loved to stare.

 

One of Dave's favorite sports is muff diving and this was very difficult for Dave with vaginas that looked like Roxanne's. First of all there was the visual barrier that up close looked like you were romancing some weird looking alien creature. Roxanne’s labia was so intricate, like a Rubik’s cube, that a guy or gal had trouble finding their way around it. Secondly it just had too much surface area. There were so many folds and bends that Dave’s tongue was worn out after he completed the trip to happyville.

 

Roxanne, recognized that her labia was unique and not streamlined like the normal ones so she developed a significantly euphemistic name for her vagina. Roxanne referred to her pleasure lady part as her rose petal labia. Guys and gals who had been acquainted with Roxanne's vagina up close and personal referred to it as pastrami lips.

 

Dave loved Roxanne and wanted a long-term relationship of a couple of years with Roxanne but once he heard someone refer to Roxanne as pastrami lips he could never order another one of his favorite sandwiches again. Nor could Dave stay with Roxanne because of the constant visual association of her vagina with his favorite sandwich. Dave considered muff diving Roxanne something tantamount to cannibalism after the pastrami association was burned into his brain.

 

Dave, just didn't get why Roxanne didn't just go in for a nice vagjayjay nip Tuck. She certainly didn't need that much labia to be happy, she had 10 times more than most women. Dave knew that Roxanne was a real sweet gal, he just missed seeing a standard issue labia like most women were equipped with.

 

Unfortunately Dave over thought every minutia of life, maybe Dave just did too much weed to make himself a billionaire using the Ray gun. Maybe that reefer madness movie really was right. Dave wanted two things and two things only with the Ray gun, his semi-permanent threesome with MEGSTA and to avenge all the wrongs that had occurred around him. Dave didn't have grandiose ideas of fixing the world like zapping Kim Jong Un or some other crazy Dick Tater, but to make society a better place around him in his immediate community, yes Dave wanted to give back to the community and make his community a better place and the Ray gun was going to allow him to do that.

 

Dave came up with his making society better one asshole at a time moniker which he titled: the zap avenger. He would teach rude people around him a lesson just like the time the rude twenty something’s and nasty tits received a lesson in humility and decency, or indecency as the case may be. Just like the Thugee leader in the old Gunga Din movie said “teach him the error of false pride”, Dave was going to teach rude people the error of false pride with the power of Ray gun..

 

First Dave made a list of his rude people pet peeves, then he memorized it to look out for any and all violators of his new rules. Dave made an outline of how he could check out the naked lady parts of MEGSTA without looking like it was Dave and without getting MEG or STA fired or arrested.

 

One day Dave was stocking shelves in the display window in front of the store. It was a windy day and a woman walking by had her dress blowup above her waist revealing perfect thighs, an amazingly beautiful round pronounced ass and some smoking hot Victorias Secret panties. The woman and her floating dress reminded Dave of Marilyn Monroe in the film Some Like It Hot.

 

Dave couldn't shake the beautiful woman from his man brain memory photo snapshot of the woman's nether regions, suddenly it hit him like a lightning bolt, yeah man that will work Dave said to himself. Dave plotted his strategy; Dave thought how perfect it is, cheap Chinese manufactured clothes and the power of the wind, the perfect combination for Dave's MEGSTA task.

 

The first thing Dave had to do was to experiment with clothing removal on women using the Ray gun. He could only do this on windy days so Dave was copiously checking the weather each day and praying for wind. Dave further decided he would only practice his MEGSTA clothing removal techniques on beautiful women. Dave figured if you are going to do perv things you may as well make it worth your while. The second thing Dave did was to go to the local thrift stores and buy up all the trench coats he could find and put them in the trunk of his car.

 

Dave had to find MEG and STA’s clothing sizes so we could purchase some Victoria’s Secret clothing, however, he then decided that could wait for a while until he tested his theory. Dave purchased his overcoat wardrobe because he considered himself a nice guy and not a cruel barbarian.

 

Dave then had to find the best location to conduct this experiment. Finally Dave chose the mall. Single women shopping going to and from the parking lot were perfect. Dave would wear a trench coat, zap them and then come to the rescue. Dave even practiced his empathetic speech and a cover ruse that would explain what happened to their clothes. Unfortunately for Dave he chose the Chinese clothing manufactures to slander as part of his plan and this would come back to haunt Dave. Then, it was finally time for phase 1 of the MEGSTA nudity review.

 

Dave was lurking in the parking lot on a very windy day. A beautiful older woman was walking toward him from the mall to her car in the parking lot. Dave thought via the neural interface, the removal of all her clothes with the exception of her shoes and shopping bag. The Ray gun displayed the items Dave wanted to vaporize.

 

Dave then pulled the trigger of the Ray gun. Zap, the woman kept walking not realizing that all her clothing with the exception of her shoes and shopping bag were completely gone. Dave was mesmerized by the beauty of her nakedness and felt an extreme feeling of power surge through his body as well as an extreme feeling of horniness surging through his nether regions. Dave felt it was like winning a videogame after smoking five doobies. Dave couldn't take his eyes off the beautiful naked older woman in a pristine state of preservation, very well preserved indeed, the beautiful older woman walking proudly, unknowingly naked in the parking lot.

 

Dave's mouth watered over her well preserved beauty. She was Dave's age or older but had one of those genetic good fortune well preserved bodies that looked like it was 25 years old. She also had a beautiful youthful but experienced face. As Dave stared at her exquisite nakedness he realized how beautifully intricate every woman's body is.

 

Dave then put his plan into motion. Looking at the woman's beautiful nakedness he almost forgot about his obsession with MEGSTA and their threesome then readjusted his thinking back to the MEGSTA quest.

 

Excuse me lady, that gust of wind came by and ripped your clothes from your body, said Dave. The woman looked down in disbelief, then screamed and covered her lady parts with her hand and the shopping bag. Oh hear take my overcoat, offered the heroic Dave to the rescue. Dave helped her on with the overcoat. Thank you she said as she buttoned up the coat. I don't know what happened, how could this be, I didn’t feel anything but a gust of wind she said.

 

Yes, well I saw the whole thing, said Dave and don't be embarrassed your body is amazing. Thank you she replied, what could've happened she asked? It happened about a week ago to me Dave explained. I was walking on the other side of the mall when a wind gust tore my clothes off and I was walking there naked. It was a very cold freezing day, so you can imagine how embarrassing that was for me. So I had to streak to my car and race home to put on some clothes. I saw that wind gust rip your clothes from your body, they flew up into the air and just disappeared. That doesn't seem possible she replied. Yeah, well, I researched it on Google and they said it's defective clothing coming out of China. Apparently, the cloth in China has mildew problems and Chinese clothing just disintegrates. The Chinese clothing manufactures are shipping their junk clothes to America. Good thing I dug out my old American trench coat, it's indestructible, said Dave. Proudly made in America added Dave.

 

Yes she replied, you saved me a lot of embarrassment with this coat. How can I get it back to you? Oh, just give me your number and I will call you when I have time to pick it up said Dave. Dave got the beautiful well preserved ladies number and felt great power with his use of the Ray gun to meet beautiful women.

 

Dave recognized that he was both heel and hero but that the only thing the woman had lost was all her clothes but she had gained a compliment on her smoking hot body. A big plus for Dave was now he had the good looker/good body woman’s phone number.

 

Dave felt an addiction for his disrobing operation and by the end of the day he had given away 33 trench coats and had 33 phone numbers of very beautiful woman. Dave was feeling less like a loser now and more like a perverted winner. Dave used to hate windy days but now he loved them.

 

Dave did find one minor disappointment during his experiment which he had termed operation get naked. Dave was bummed out that several women that he had targeted for their perfect pronounced asses must've been wearing prosthetic buns because while they did have a rather nice behinds, they were not behinds as advertised in their clothing.

 

Dave wished women would stick to their inherited genetics when displaying their gorgeous lady parts and not resort to false advertising. Dave had a really great day zapping beautiful women with his Ray gun. Dave certainly didn't feel like such a loser anymore with the power of the Ray gun in his hands.

 

Dave was starting to feel a little bit dictatorial and thought he should smoke some weed to come back down to earth. Dave went to the bank to grab some cash for a weed buy. Inside the bank were 16 people in line with only two tellers. Both tellers were busy. One teller had gone through two customers while the other teller was tied up one customer who had finished his transaction but was charming the female teller with a great deal of his wittiness and his entire life story. You know the guy. The overly polite teller was nervously listening while observing that the line was not moving.

 

You know who this guy is, Mr. Center of Attention, Mr. Passive Aggressive make the line wait, Mr. Ass Hole. Well, ass hole was a good name for this guy or more accurately hairy asshole after what Dave was about to do to right this wrong.

 

Dave grew angrier as the clock was ticking. All the people in the line seemed like they were about to scream and more customers were coming into the bank and were stacking up behind Dave. Dave, in his role as zap avenger pointed the Ray gun at the large, unkempt, hairy man's shorts and zapped them. Just as Dave vaporized the man's shorts, he dropped his pen, and bent over to pick it up completely exposing the full Grand Canyon of his ass crack to all those in line. The women in line screamed and the men groaned in agony and repulsion. The nasty hairy man's ass crack looked like some hairy Science project for the growth of highly toxic bacteria by a biological warfare research lab.

 

The man's brown eye in the middle of the ass canyon appeared as though it was winking at the customers in line. Surrounding the brown eye were some nicely developed hemorrhoids that looked like they were started when the man was 12 years old. There were shards of toilet paper and Dingell barries attached to the thick curly matted hair of the man's ass crevice.

 

One female customer fainted and another threw up. The man at the front of the line got the closest view and screamed: put on some pants you disgusting nasty pervert, I'm calling the cops. The nasty man looked down at his exposed penis, which looked no prettier or anymore sanitary than his other side, then bolted running out the door. Most of the people got out of line and left the bank.

 

Dave liked his new powers but worried that he couldn't get that nasty man's ass canyon out of his head. He thought maybe it gave him PTSD. He thought it was time to get some weed to treat his new trauma. Dave scored some AWESOMECHRON from Bong and turned on the news.

 

Caitlin, was at the kitchen table counting her shortchange money that the customers had tipped her. One hundred and eighty dollars today she said as Dave toked on a Doobie. The news reported that there was a recall at mall clothing stores on defective clothing from China. Also a pervert was arrested for indecent exposure outside of Dave's bank. Dave really liked his new powers but worried they might go to his head. Dave had the next day off so we drove around to settle the score with rude people.

 

First Dave went down the road frequented by bicycle racers who ride in large packs. They always ride in mass and take up the traffic lane even though they're supposed to ride single file like the traffic law requires. In their pack mentality, they refuse to get out of the way. Dave had problems with them before and was unable to pass them for 10 miles. Dave honked his horn and received in return from many of the bike racers the middle finger, the bird, the fuck you. No fuck you Dave now thought.

 

Dave honked again but they did not move. Several of the bicycle wolf pack took their water bottles, put some liquid in their mouths spit it on to Dave's car. Dave would normally take their pants with the Ray gun but there was now a long line of cars behind Dave waiting, so Dave decided all that speed racer junk, shorts, shirt, helmet and racer glasses, had to go.

 

Then Dave, the zap ray gun avenger did his thing. Later he heard on the news that the local bicycle team, were all arrested for bicycle streaking. They all became bicycle registered sex offenders. Dave was feeling fully empowered now so he went looking for more vengeance.

 

Dave remembered the places he had problems before so he revisited those sites with the Ray gun and Davevengence as he called it. Dave zapped three 20 something young punks, who were in the crosswalk at the stop sign near down town as they crossed in front of Dave, they slowed down while Dave waited to go. They looked like they were walking in slow motion and then at a point appeared to be doing a Michael Jackson moonwalk. Walking in place but not moving anywhere and almost going backwards. You know these kids, they are passive aggressive because mommy and daddy didn’t buy them a toy. The zap avenger did his thing. Dave later heard that three college men were arrested for indecent exposure in front of a family restaurant full of children.

 

Dave was hungry after this sweet revenge for his favorite fast food, tacos. Fortunately for Dave, the guy he was looking for was there at the taco restaurant. You know him, it's the lunch hour jackass line staller. There's 10 people in line waiting and he’s the question guy, who has not looked at the menu until he gets to the counter even though he has eaten there many times before and knows what he wants and likes but he’s the, likes to make people wait guy. Yes that guy, who then asks the clerk questions like, what’s in that one, what’s in that one, does that one come with cheese, can I have that one without cheese. He stalls for six or 7 minutes which seems like six or seven hours to hungry customers trying to return to work from their lunch hour.

 

Zap avenger did his thing. Then Dave yelled, hey that guy's not wearing pants. Everyone looked and pointed. The slow the line down guy, noticed his shrunken nub of a penis, almost fully concealed by thick matted carpet of pubic hair, was on full display. Some of the women laughed. The man ran from the restaurant. Dave was glad there were no more question asker's in line ahead of him after that.

 

Dave coined a term for his pantzing zap, the FFN zap, for full frontal nudity. Dave continued on his quest to stamp out rudeness that day and FFN zap some of the other violators on his list.

 

He got the loud talker – zap. The crying child, parents let them cry and don't take them outside – zap. The talking to someone while standing in and obstructing the doorway to the store – zap. The, I’m such an important person center of attention zap. The too much PDA – zap, David was okay with a little smooching in public but if it got gross it's time to get a room. Dave took all their clothes so that they would get the message.

 

Then Dave got the put their shopping cart on one side of the aisle while standing on the other side blocking the aisle – zap. The stand with the refrigerator door open to block the aisle – zap. The guys with too much cool jargon like every other word is do you know what I mean-zap. Dave didn't mind some occasional dude and man but if it was every other word with some awesome thrown in, Dave zapped them.

 

The poser – zap; self-explanatory. The people on cell phones with too much or too loud talk – zap. The public whistlers or they think they're great singers in public – zap. The obnoxious people of all sorts – zap. The people in line at the register, have coin purses and count their change very slowly to delay the line – zap. The wears an adult diaper, but refuses to change them when they are urine soaked and makes everyone smell their rancid urine – zap. The loud music and bass in cars – zap. When Dave zapped these clowns he would take all their clothes as well as their complete stereo sound system.

 

The people who wear inappropriate clothing or stupid clothing – zap. Dave especially hated the pants down underwear showing thing. Dave, when he was behind them, always had the irresistible urge, just like everyone else does, to pull up their pants. This is just natural in an orderly society for everyone to want to pull up somebody's pants that are down below their ass. Now Dave just zapped them.

 

The arrogant and surly waiter or waitress – zap. The store shows one price on the shelf but it rings up higher the register – zap. Dave would pay the higher price but then zap the shelves to the tune of about $1000 worth of merchandise.

 

The, that's a ridiculous toupee – zap. Dave didn't pants and FFN the bad hairpiece guys, he just zapped the hairpiece so he didn't have to look at it. The texting or talking on their cell phone while driving – zap. Dave would take all of their clothes and the four wheels of their car also so they could explain to the traffic cop why they didn't have any pants or wheels.

 

Dave went downtown and took a walk down its narrow sidewalks to encounter the, we walk two or three abreast and you need to get out of our way – zap. Dave spent an hour leaving pants less trios of young men all about the downtown area running to avoid arrest. Dave noticed a sociological trend that only males committed this rude act.

 

Next Dave made his way to his favorite bars to exact his pound of flesh or as in this case pound of pants. At the bars Dave found his usual annoyances. The, I'm drunk so I know everything except that I am stupid and obnoxious – zap. The ex-high school All-Star screams and jumps up and down and high-fives everyone around him even though they don't want to high-five him, whenever there's a play on a sports game on the sports bar TV – zap. The, plays dice games on the bar and has to slam the dice cup so hard making lots of noise and yells a lot – zap.

Dave then went to the County Courthouse for some legal payback. He looked for the shyster lawyer suing some poor businessman or woman. Dave would wait until the lawyer was standing before the jury and then give them the full effect of the FFN zap, which Dave simply termed his slimy shyster – zap. Dave also found the normal crazy Judge screaming at litigants and he nuded the Judge – zap. Dave called this his lunatic flasher Judge-zap. Dave liked watching the news that evening that said six attorneys had been arrested at the County Courthouse film at 11. Dave also liked the report that a Superior Court judge had a mental breakdown during trial peeling her clothes off. She immediately announced her retirement

 

Dave then went to the City and County offices and completed his rude bureaucrats – zap. All city and County employees would have been pants less that day except that many never made it out of the break room to work.

 

From there, Dave went hunting for traffic cops, getting stopped numerous times. David would wait until the officer came up to his door and asked for his license and registration. Dave would take it out and then would ask if the department had gone to a new uniform? The traffic cop would always respond no and then ask why? Dave would then point out that they were not wearing a gun belt or pants. After this Dave would follow them for a few miles directing attention to the pants less motorcycle officer by honking and pointing to the motorcycle cop.

 

Dave loved the look on the other driver’s faces. Dave enjoyed this zap so much that he upped the odds by smoking a fatty when the traffic cop came up to the window. It worked really great until David zapped one motorcycle cop who was really old and crusty looking. This veteran officer seemed unconcerned about the loss of his pants, possibly Dave thought, because he was really well endowed (not another candidate for the nickname foot long but close, maybe almost foot long could have been his nick name) or maybe because he was an old burned-out cop and didn't care. Dave pointed out his pants less state to the officer. The old traffic cop only said they must've fallen off because of those cheap Chinese uniforms the Department had switched to. Dave wondered if he had done this before to try for a stress retirement.

 

He gave Dave a citation for running a stop sign and possession of less than 1 ounce of marijuana. He also seized Dave’s fatty as evidence but Dave suspected the burnout was going to party with his lady that evening smoking Dave’s AWESOMECHRON. Dave didn't worry about a failure to appear warrant since he zapped the traffic cops citation book.

 

The news reports that evening said that the city's traffic cops were all under suspension for making a wage protest about low wages by going pant less while performing their traffic duties. Dave really loved how the news media constantly used puns. The news anchor used the usual lame puns like cops drop pants for higher wages. The news media also stated that the pants less officers had done this while on duty. Duty was Dave's favorite childhood term for penis.

 

Dave then went to the home improvement store and zapped all of the, I'm too busy on the phone or texting to help you now, finger in the air, wait for me signal, sales clerks. When Dave left the store almost every employee was warning trash bag dresses to cover their junk or junket.

 

Dave went around looking for the church evangelists who went door-to-door bugging people. He found a few of them but then decided to show mercy as Jesus would have done. Dave wondered if he was having a religious conversion and then lit up another fatty and forgot about it.

 

Dave did try to zap a televangelist extorting money on TV but the only thing that happened was Dave's big screen TV disappeared. Dave replaced his TV by zapping a Best Buy truck when the drivers were inside a restaurant having lunch. Dave just picked the best TV, from the TV mound in the parking lot. Then Dave pointed to the TVs and yelled free TV’s and people came running.

 

Dave was driving by the Park and pulled over and sat in his car watching for his two favorite peeves. The barking dog won't shut up, owners let him bark, peeve. Dave zapped the owners pant less after zapping the dog’s leash. Dave got a chronic case of the giggles while watching the pants less owners chasing their dog around the park while the other park goers looked on in horror. Dave then got even with the, I don’t cleanup my dogs poop people. He also zapped their leash as well, with the same results.

 

Dave thought of the poop in the park and the poop in his yard from the neighbor’s dog. Dave got out of his car and began zapping dog poop. Dave felt this was a nice civic duty and he would conduct this turd zap, as he called it over the next few months to keep the Park clean while also punishing the offender dog owners. Later on as a result of Dave's efforts he couldn't find a stray dog turd anywhere. This turd cleansing proved to Dave that you can change the planet one turd at a time.

 

Dave's next target was beautiful women at the mall again. Dave restocked his supply of trench coats and it was a windy day so he conducted his beautiful naked fest and obtained 30 more new phone numbers of beautiful women. The trench coats were only three dollars each at the thrift store, so Dave knew he had made a great investment. By this time Dave no longer had to explain what happened because of the extensive news coverage of the defective Chinese clothing that disintegrated on windy days.

 

As a side benefit to Dave’s perverted naked woman quest the news reported that sales of made in America clothing had skyrocketed. The news media also reported that the defective Chinese clothing problem had been undeniably confirmed by the local Court Judges, Law Enforcement and the Lawyers BAR Association. Inside the mall Dave conducted his meal is on me campaign. Dave hung out in restaurants and when a nice family paid with a credit card, Dave would zap the receipt before made it to the register.

 

Next Dave looked for women wearing spanks who thought they were fooling everyone. Dave had a bad experience with this personally, so it was a passion project. David had met a voluptuous woman one evening at a bar and she went home with him to smoke some free AWESOMECHRON and for some thigh banging.

 

When his date got her clothes off it turned out that she was fully being held together by spanks. When she finally was able to remove the sausage casing also known as spanks Dave was shocked by how much of a woman's body spanks can hold in. The babe had been just under Dave's Chubby chaser threshold before the spanks came off but exceeded his big girl limit with the sausage casing removed.

 

Dave actually did like the big girl banging a lot that night, spanks aside. As it turned out big girls try a lot harder than most other women and the large fatty (different kind of fatty) of AWESOMECHRON helped. Dave then got over his big girl prejudices. After this date Dave looked for the big nice girl whenever he was in a bar and wanted to have some good lovin.

 

After thinking over his spanks zap revenge for a while, Dave let the spanks girls go by. He was going to zap their spanks only and watch the fat dam burst but when he thought back on the beautiful big girl he decided to show mercy. Besides Dave thought, these women were just making an effort to look good. Also Dave didn't want to get spanks into trouble since they were made in America. Dave felt real good about himself in that he was able to control his unlimited powers of the Ray gun.

 

At the mall Dave did a couple of the, I've got big boobs but I am ashamed of my boobs so I hide them – zap. With these zaps, Dave would zap them topless only. It was amazing why any woman would be ashamed over such female perfection. Wear them proudly Dave would think to himself. Dave also did a couple of, I wear cleavage tops to show off my boobs but pretend modesty by holding my top when I bend over – zap. Dave found these women to be terrible hypocrites. Dave thought their mixed message was look at my cleavage unless I bend over and now you can’t see what I got cuz I’m modest now, craziness. Dave liked and respected the honest women who wore cleavage blouses then would bend down giving you an even better beautiful view.

 

Dave gave up after a few of these zaps as it was now becoming the norm for this to happen and no one seemed to notice. Dave thought all women would be going topless soon. One woman, didn't even cover her boobs then looked at Dave and said I thought this bra and blouse was made in America. Dave replied there was a news report that Chinese companies are now using counterfeit made in America tags. Dave was now growing tired of his zap avenger activities and decided to head home and plan phase two of the DAVEMEGSTA threesome.

 

At home Dave did the usual turd Roundup on his front lawn. The turds came from two sources. An unknown owner, neighbor dog with the name tag on the dogs collar that said his name was zipper. The other source was Dave's neighbor Jesse James, a notorious gacked crankster gangster who encouraged his dog, Ebola, to shit in Dave's yard. Jesse James wasn't his real name but he told people to call in this in Homage to his motorcycle building hero as well as his other train robbing and murdering hero Jesse James.

 

Dave's neighbor Jesse James, who everyone called JJ, owned a set of, Jesse James custom motorcycle mirrors that he put on his 1981 550 Honda. JJ told everyone he was a biker even though his Honda 550 bike was dissembled in the driveway and had been sitting there for the past seven years. JJ would tell people that the motorcycle builder Jesse James was building him custom parts for the Honda but was very backlogged. JJ was just waiting for Jesse James to ship the parts.

 

JJ lived in the house next to Dave with his mom Madge and her 19-year-old cat, fluff pearl. Fluff pearl was really fond of marking its territory with Pee by spraying Dave's front door, giving Dave that litter box welcome home smell every time he entered his house. Dave was really getting pissed off or pissed on as the case may be about the litter box welcome home smell. After Dave zapped all the dog turds left by zipper and Ebola his new found alpha dog powers allowed him to go next door and confront JJ and Madge.

 

JJ was outside working on his motorcycle. Hi JJ said Dave. You got any crank on you JJ replied. No man, I told you 1000 times crank is not my bag. Like come on man I know you're holding, said JJ. No JJ, hey, you need to keep Ebola from pooping on my lawn dude, said Dave. Look Dave, replied JJ the dog does what it wants to, I don't control his you know , I………..Then, JJ went into a Crank fueled rapid fire dissertation about just about everything on the planet. JJ's crank fueled rapid fire talking sounded like an auctioneer selling something at auction while on crank.

 

Dave went into the house leaving JJ talking to himself. Madge wasn't this side of senile but was far on the other side of it. When Madge saw Dave she said, you ready for dinner JJ? No, I'm Dave your neighbor, Dave responded. Oh yes, you just moved in didn't, you, she said. No, I have lived next to you for 10 years. Could you keep fluff pearl from peeing on my front door, Dave asked? She is just marking her territory you know, uh hum, Madge replied. Yeah Madge, but my front door smells like your litter box smelling house now, said Dave. You aint a cat Lover are you, replied Madge. I love cats Madge, just not pissing on my house, said Dave.

 

It won't hurt you, you get used to the smell, I don’t even smell it anymore, hasn't hurt me none uh hum, said Madge. Dave remembered that anywhere Madge went people would stand aside and give her room because she always had that rancid litter box smell as her perfume as well as her own urine soaked diaper odor. Madge thought people were being polite when they got out of her way. People remarked behind her back that he smelled like he takes a bath in her litter box and then rinses with her own pee. Dave gave up talking to Madge when he felt his anger growing and considered for the first time zapping Madge, off of planet Earth.

 

The planet wouldn’t miss an 80-year-old woman who chronically smelled like cat poop and piss, her own pee and was beyond senile. Dave wanted to vaporize Madge but finally decided to go in his house and smoke a fatty. Dave was enjoying a fatty in the backyard when he saw fluff pearl heading for his front door. Dave thought to himself don’t even think about it fluff pearl.

 

Dave walked around to the front of the house where he found fluff pearl in full cat mode, painting Dave's front door with urine. Alright fluff pearl, you already had your final warning bitch. Dave reached for the Ray gun fast like he was a high-speed old West gunfighter. Then poof no more fluff pearl. Fluff was gone forever. Dave thought fluff pearl was 19 years old, after all she had had a good run. What troubled Dave most was how easy it was to vaporize Fluff Pearl and how he felt about his first kill. It felt good. Dave liked it. It solved a long festering problem and there were far too many cats on the planet anyway, thought Dave. Madge could just go to the cat shelter and get another one, hopefully one that won’t piss on Dave's front door. If Madge did get another rude piss cat, Dave told himself he would resolve that the Ray gun way also.

 

Dave also asked himself, okay, a 19-year-old cat maybe six months to live but could he vaporize a dog, or a person? The Ray gun left no body, no trace, no forensic evidence, no nothing. Dave thought about renaming the Ray gun the God gun. Dave realized he was thinking too much about this stuff and he had to get his mind back to what was most important to Dave, MEGSTA and the three some.

 

The next day Dave was at work in the office with Gary, the cool manager. Snidely Snyder the owner was gone. Hey Gary, what pickup lines did you find that worked for you back in the 70s, asked Dave? The 70s Gary asked? Yeah man you know, the disco era, replied Dave. Oh yeah responded Gary, disco, that was really rad man, totally rad, a rad time, said Gary.

 

So what were the good pickup lines at discos, Dave asked? Oh man, they were the best replied Gary as he took a drag from a fatty and then coughed several times. So what were they, asked Dave as he grabbed the fatty from Gary and took his own deep drag. Well replied Gary, what's your sign was one, but my two best lines that were really groovy were what has two thumbs and loves fellacio, Gary then paused. Yes said Dave, I don't get it what does? Gary then held up his two thumbs. Dave thought about it for a while. But what do you mean the giving or receiving Dave asked Gary? Receiving man, I aint no switch hitter dude replied Gary. Dave then said I get it, what has two thumbs and loves receiving fellacio. I think you need to clarify that Gary, not giving fellacio but receiving it, said Dave. Yeah Dave, don’t complicate it just tell a girl that and if she likes giving head she can take you to blow job heaven that night, replied Gary. Sounds nice said Dave, so what's the other line?

 

Oh, a variation on the thumbs up line. You just ask a chick, do you like fellacio as much as I like fellacio, replied Gary. It only has to work one out of 1000 times to be worth the effort, added Gary. Yeah man, said Dave, 999 times till pay dirt or pay head that's worth it, thanks Gary said Dave as he left the office.

Dave found Megan doing go backs on the shelves. Hey Megan said Dave, what has two thumbs and loves fellacio he asked, while putting both of his thumbs up in the air. Giving or receiving, Megan said wryly. Who me I don’t give it a defensive Dave replied? My mom told me that was some lame pickup line at discos in the 70s, said Meghan. It only has to work one out of 1000 times to be worth it said Dave. Well you only have 998 more times to ask before you get your blow job then Dave, said Meghan. Keep moving she added, using a shooing motion with her hand.

 

Next Dave decided to try the pickup line on Stacy. Stacy was doing inventory on the medication isle. Hi Stacy said Dave. Hi Dave she replied. What has two thumbs and loves receiving fellacio asked Dave while holding up both thumbs. My boyfriend Guido replied Stacy, adding I gave him the most amazing deep throat blow job last night, I think it was the best one I've ever given. Then Stacy added, he said he almost passed out, I promised him another one tonight, why don't you talk to him Dave, she asked?

 

Dave felt likehe received a gunshot in the heart. All Dave could think about was her beautiful exotic face artistically and sensually engaged in fellacio and it was not him receiving it. Dave immediately thought about vaporizing Stacy's boyfriend, Guido, but then Dave was about to get a second shot to his heart.

 

Yeah, continued Stacy, me and Megan had a threesome with him and did a really excellent blow me sandwich on Guido. Oh, that's rad, said Dave as he walked away feeling like he was going to pass out. Dave’s dream had been hijacked by Stacy’s boyfriend. Well Dave consoled himself, at least MEGSTA liked threesomes. Maybe there was hope for Dave yet.

 

Dave went home that evening feeling depressed over MEGSTA and angry and envious it was not him. As he pulled up to his house JJ’s dog Ebola was laying a human sized turd on Dave's lawn. Dave for many years couldn't believe that a dog could produce a turd that size and had suspected JJ was pooping in his yard. This of course was until he finally caught Ebola in the act. Dave couldn't take it anymore and the anger about MEGSTA got the best of him, so he did it. When he did it he knew that there was no turning back now.

 

Vaporizing a 19-year-old cat was one thing but a healthy five-year-old dog was another. After Dave zapped Ebola he felt elated. Ebola had it coming and besides it looked painless and Dave wasn’t cruel, he was just solving a problem. Just after Dave vaporized Ebola Madge came out of her house and asked Dave if he had seen Fluff Pearl. Dave told Madge that he saw Ebola attack Fluff Pearl and run off with the cat in its mouth.

 

Dave opened his front door, he had washed the pee off of it and the smell did not return. Dave was beginning to enjoy his new life. Dave liked the power, he liked the God gun. Dave went in the house then sat down on the couch and started playing a videogame, killing people.

 

Caitlin, was at the kitchen table counting her tips from the days shortchanging people. Hundred and ninety dollars today she said, that’s about 19 suckers she said. Don't you ever feel bad Caitlin, asked Dave? No she replied, I'm just smarter than them, I'm going to be a teacher, you gotta be smart to be a teacher. Just then Dave said, is that a mouse by the trashcan. Caitlin turned her head toward the can while giving a startled gasp.

 

Dave, who was twenty feet away zapped Caitlin's tips. When Caitlin turned back she asked Dave, where's my money, what happened to my money, my money is gone. Dave, knowing this is exactly what Caitlin told customers when she shortchanged them, said you've put it in your pants pocket, I saw you put it there just before that mouse came out. No I didn't replied Caitlin, as she checked her pockets. No, it's not here she said. Maybe it's in your bra bank where you stash it at work, said Dave. Caitlin checked her bra. No it's not here either she said. Well, when I came in Caitlin you were counting but there was nothing on the table, you were counting nothing, I couldn't understand what you were doing. Did you do some good shit this evening, asked Dave?

 

Well, yeah, but replied Caitlin……. Shrooms asked Dave? Well yeah but………. Nothing I can't handle. That's it said Dave, a serious case of money hallucination. Caitlin got a very unhappy hippy dippy angry look on her face, and was indignant that someone had stolen her stolen money. Caitlin suspected Dave was working with someone else in the house and the mouse had been a ruse but she decided to wait until the shrooms had run their course because even zoned out on shrooms Caitlin had the sense to know that shrooms and detective work don't mix.

 

The next day after consuming a massive bowl of his favorite cereal, lucky charms, (the weed man's friend) Dave was planning out the day when he heard the annoying loud bark of the unknown owner neighborhood dog, zipper. Why zipper found it necessary to come onto Dave's property and bark at him while shitting on his lawn was a dark mystery to Dave. Dave thought to himself, why couldn't it be one or the other? Either bark at me zipper or shit on my lawn but not both. Doing both was just plain annoying and zipper had made it his full-time job to visit Dave when Dave was both leaving and returning home.

 

Dave wondered if zipper had some kind of time clock he punched at home just to be on time to go annoy Dave. What amazed Dave about zipper was his ability to make that annoying fingernails on the blackboard bark and poop and bark at the same time. Zipper would walk around Dave's lawn barking, circling until he found a place he had not marked or defiled yet. Then he would face Dave, continue barking that kind of slow guttural bark, start squeezing one out, get that squinty eyed constipated straining look on his face and squeeze out his very own foot long. This is why some neighbors had nicknamed zipper foot long but for far different reasons than Bongs human friend, Mr. foot long.

 

Zipper's strained pooping face as Dave called it only altered his barking at Dave slightly. It went from annoying timed cadence bark to an intermittent deeper tenor bark. The only time zipper didn't bark was immediately after planting a turd on Dave's lawn. Zipper would look Dave in the face and then spin his body in a semi circle and proceed to lick his balls for a few discussing minutes, only occasionally looking up into Dave's eyes, which appeared to Dave to be a personal challenge to say to Dave, let’s see you do this asshole. You could almost read zippers mind, sure Dave, you can drive a car but can you enjoy licking your own balls like I can. Dave could sense from zipper that he knew Dave was in fact a loser among the human Race. Dave could tell by the look on zippers face that he had utter contempt for Dave and all of humanity. Higher life form my ass thought zipper, can’t even lick his own balls. Zipper knew there were very few humans in existence that could lick their own balls a fact that zipper was very proud of.

 

Actually Dave believed that zipper and he shared a mind meld and that his observations of the dog came from a time when he and zipper had discussed string theory once which occurred when Dave had done some really good shrooms. So in reality Dave was unsure if zippers true message and the reason for his actions such as ball licking was complex telepathic mindmeld communication or just that zipper loved the taste of his own balls.

 

One thing was very clear, zipper knew Dave was a loser and that he, zipper, was the alpha dog in this relationship. Zipper finished licking his balls and resumed his stare down and barking at Dave, waiting for him to get into his car and leave as he usually did.

Dave zapped zippers steaming hot foot long and a startled zipper. Zipper ceased barking and starred at the location of the vanished turd. Zipper began sniffing around for his latest foot long steamer but couldn’t detect it. Dave then looked into zippers eyes and gave zip that Western movie laconic gunfighter, I am about to blow your shit away, pun intended asshole, look.

 

Zipper, being a pack animal immediately recognized his dire situation, that Dave was the new alpha dog and zipper was in deep shit, pun intended again, thought Dave. Zipper now got that worried look on his face and Dave said to him, that's right turd fest you pinched your last loaf in my yard, I am Dave Murphy and I'm not a human loser, you pooped in my yard, prepare to die. With this message, reminiscent of 1970s Italian spaghetti Westerns, Dave removed the torment of zipper the poop monster from his life forever, or was it?

 

Dave was feeling really good about taking out zipper and he decided it was time to get back at his 97.9999 store nemesis who had taken his assistant manager job, Trey Best. At work Dave was brainlessly and robotically stocking the shelves while analyzing the options to fix Mr. Best.

 

By this time pants less and clothes less people had become so common from Dave's Ray gun exploits that none of them got into trouble for it but instead were joining the growing number of litigants in a class action lawsuit against defective Chinese clothing companies.

 

There was however, one exception to this exception, the flaccid penis ordinance. The law also had a nickname, it was called the Woody ordinance, have a woody go to jail. The flaccid penis ordinance said that if your clothes disintegrated and your penis was flaccid then this was an exception to the indecent exposure law and no charges could be filed. If on the other hand your clothes disintegrated and you were holding, carrying, supporting or sporting (this is the actual word of the ordinance) a gentleman's erection, then you are in violation of the indecent exposure laws and would be arrested and prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

 

There was however, a Supreme Court case pending on this ordinance for gender discrimination, since it targeted penis’s only. The discrimination against men was very clear in that it was impossible to determine if a woman under the same standard had an aroused vagina.

 

Trey best was fond of being one of those, creepy touchy-feely guys whenever he was around women. You know the guy, if he is standing next to a woman he is even remotely acquainted with he puts his arm around her shoulder while he is talking and being the center of attention to everyone around him. The woman snared in his pathological affectionate touchy-feely guy persona is in reality being groped while she stands there stiffly with that deer in the headlights, uncomfortable, horrified kind of look on her face.

 

Dave knew that Trey liked to also get a kind of a public lap dance from women he made uncomfortable by sliding around them so that their rear ends made contact with his front end. You know the guy, he just has to slide by a girl but has to slide his junk against her because there is supposedly no room. He especially enjoyed doing this with Megan and Stacy while they were working the register. Whenever they would call Trey to the register for an over ring or a go back Trey would not so subtly reach around Megan or Stacy put his key in the register while simultaneously rubbing his junk up against their amazing perfect and sensual behinds thereby gaining an erection for himself.

 

Trey would continue is junk hug while typing his code into the register. Trey always had trouble remembering his own code and the delay usually allowed him time to obtain, full erection greatness. After this ass encounter of the best kind as Trey would refer to it with his coworkers, he would walk around the store stroking his chubby while pretending to be digging for his keys in his pocket. Trey would habitually continue this tournament of pocket pool for a while and then when it was close to completion time he would grab a supposedly damaged or defective oil or body moisturizer from the shelf and head for the employee lounge.

 

Dave hated Trey for taking his promotion but also for cock slapping Megan and Stacy which Dave believed should be his sole privilege. Dave put his plan into motion. Dave was near the registers stocking the impulse buy racks when Megan was on register and called for a code 97.9999 over the intercom. Dave knew that Trey would come and begin his ass encounter of the best kind rubbing his junk on Megan's perfect beautiful pronounced behind.

 

The owner, Snidely Snyder, called a manager request a code 97.9999 as he thought this subliminal message would get shoppers to buy more. The code went out and Dave made ready his Ray gun. Dave knew that it would only be a few seconds before Trey achieved his sexually harassing violating chubby.

 

Stacy had an amazing nice ass but Megan’s could grow wood just by looking at her from the right angle. Trey finally finished his dirty deed and began his pocket pool walk. Dave waited until Trey was in front of the main store camera and in full view of the customers in line. The zap avenger then took his pound of flesh, although in Trey's case, it was a quarter pound. Trey it turned out was far below average in his junk and this was no doubt the reason for his overcompensating with women. Dave now knew why Megan and Stacy referred to Trey as the quarter pounder with sleeze and the limp roll of Lifesavers.

 

Many customers screamed and pointed at Trey masturbating with no pants on like a guy who had just gone off his rocker. When Trey looked down and realized the customers, employees and store surveillance cameras had all witnessed him spanking the monkey, he knew the jig was up.

 

Trey made a dash for his car in the parking lot, strangely still holding onto his erect penis. Trey jumped into his car and lit up his back tires burning rubber out of the parking lot in order to avoid the pending arrest that he knew was coming for violation of the erection ordinance, holding, carrying, supporting or sporting a woody.

 

With Trey out of the picture Dave hoped that he would be the next assistant manager. Owner, Snidely Snyder, promoted Bong to assistant manager. Dave knew Bong had been giving copious samples of his best AWESOMECHRONBONG to Snyder, grooming himself for the assistant manager position. Dave was growing angry at Bong now and began contemplating Bong’s fall from grace at the hands of the zap avenger.

 

When Dave got off work he smoked a big fatty and went to the thrift store to pick up some cheap trench coats. Dave found seven coats, which meant he would have to choose wisely the seven beautiful women that he would employ the, she's so damn good looking, all clothes must come off zap as well as the occasional are those real or fake boobs zap. Dave didn't need windy days anymore to perform the disappearing clothes zap since the cheap imported Chinese clothing problem was well publicized and documented now. There were numerous factories being built in America to bring back clothing manufacture in the U.S. Dave felt good about this and felt he was singlehandedly saving the US economy.

 

When Dave zapped a beautiful woman with an amazing ass, he would always complement her with, what an amazing behind you have, which he would say while handing them a trench coat. The woman would always thank him for the complement then the now less shy, more confident, more power crazed Dave would add, and your front hind is amazing as well.

 

Dave also liked the nickname the women had given him while posting his picture on their Facebook page. The windy day hero and trench coat hero Facebook postings with Dave's photo was becoming a big ego booster to the once invisible stock boy Dave Murphy.

 

Unfortunately for Dave, the Facebook postings were also drawing too much attention from a source that he had not reckoned with and which might become his downfall. But for now Dave was oblivious to the lurking danger and just wanted to go home and masturbate to the memory of some of the more beautiful women he had zapped today and smoke another kind of chubby as well. Dave did however, get that hair on the back of his neck feeling that something bad was coming and his notoriety had outed his perv activities and his defamation of Chinese clothing. Dave hoped this was just weed induced paranoia.

 

That evening Dave went home to a completely turd free lawn and cat piss free door. Dave felt good about himself. He was no longer shy and had become the alpha dog that he always knew he should be. Dave was immediately confronted by JJ with his mother Madge standing behind him. JJ was holding a tire iron. Hey, Dick head, I'm going to split your skull, you killed Ebola and Fluff Pearl. Ebola didn't eat Fluff Pearl like you said asshole. I saw you burn up Ebola and Fluff Pearl from my bedroom window man, with that flip phone with a laser beam thing man. You sure you weren’t just tripping JJ asked Dave? Hey man, JJ replied, I did some real good windowpane acid but that's got nothing to do with it, I'm busting your head punk, Ebola and Fluff Pearl never done nothing to you man, your dead he added.

 

Bust his fucking asshole head open, um hum, yelled Madge. JJ raised the tire iron and took a threatening step towards Dave. Dave only used the Ray gun on obnoxious animals up to this point and wondered if he could vaporize a human being? Still, he had a right to protect himself, justifiable homicide, right? Besides, who would miss a 55-year-old tweeker and his 85-year-old senile, adult diapers smelling mother? Dave got angry and yelled hey check this out asshole as he zapped Madge into oblivion. Look, mom's gone he added. Dave then pointed the Ray gun at JJ. Hey man, there's no need to go all alpha dog on me man, pleaded JJ, I was just kidding man, he added. Well JJ, you should have kept your dog from shiting in my yard you miscreant. Now you're going to join Ebola, fluff Perl and Madge in dog turd purgatory you punk, yelled Dave as he vaporized JJ. At the time of his vaporization JJ had an even dumber look on his face than was normal.

 

Dave felt great, he sat down on the couch and lit himself a celebratory fat AWESOMECHRON. Caitlin was again counting her tips on the kitchen table while the new assistant manager Bong, was bagging some AWESOMECHRONBONG at the kitchen table also. Dave sat back in a stoner haze and contemplated the right and wrong of vaporizing humans into oblivion. Finally he smoked himself into the conclusion that he had the right to do this. After all, the Gun had fallen into his hands through Divine Providence for a reason. He was righting wrongs and had even gotten the US clothing manufacturing industry back in business, thereby saving the US economy.

 

Dave decided that the God gun could be used on anyone who he thought didn’t belong on this planet, Dave’s planet . Dave liked having this power and JJ and Madge had proven that to him. Besides, thought Dave, what could be wrong with it? It wasn't murder he just erased some

molecules. The cops couldn't prove anything without a body and the Ray gun left no trace of anything. The Ray gun could vaporize dog poop and it could also vaporized humans that were poop also. Same difference thought Dave.

 

The Ray gun was the perfect crime Dave thought. Dave was on the couch enjoying world of war craft when Caitlin dropped a $10 bill on the floor and reached down to pick it up. Dave zapped Caitlin's pile of her tips that were on the table when she bent down. When she sat up and saw that all her cash was gone she accused Bong and a drug fueled fight began that lasted into early morning. Dave thought of zapping Bongs AWESOMECHRONBONG but didn't because he realized that this would be sacrilegious as good weed should not be wasted.

 

When Dave got into his car to pick up his check from work he noticed a strange Chinese man watching him. The man was surrounded by other Chinese men and women, all in traditional Chinese silk clothing. The man appeared to be in charge and was surrounded by a lot of other Chinese men and women all were wearing white. The man who appeared to be in charge was wearing black with a traditional Chinese Hat and round John Lennon type sunglasses. The man bowed to Dave. Dave waved at him and figured they must be some religious cult going door-to-door.

 

At work Dave got his check which as usual was short of hours. Dave was now an alpha dog and he confronted Snyder. Hey snide, my check is short again can you fix this man? Well stock boy Murphy let me check my facts and figures replied Snide. After a few minutes of Snyder reviewing Dave's timecard he said: you're right Dave, I was off by four hours. Yeah man, replied Dave. Yes continued Snyder, I forgot to dock you for being over on your lunch hour, that's a one-hour penalty for each late lunch. Snyder then printed a new check and handed it to Dave. Forget you man, said Dave. Dave thought about vaporizing Snide but was worried that was a little too dark side. When Dave walked out of Snyder's office he began zapping merchandise in the inventory stock room, and then went into the store vaporizing the most popular stock from the shelves. Dave was on an unholy mission; he was embracing the dark side and loved it, who wouldn’t.

 

As Dave was leaving he saw Stacy doing go backs. Her boyfriend, Guido, was standing next to her and they were arguing. This is the same Guido who had two thumbs and loved fellatio. The same Guido who had enjoyed the Deep Throat blow me sandwich from Megsta that should have been Dave's. Dave hated him. Guido stormed out of the store and got into his car, Dave zapped him and his car, poof, problem solved. Dave felt great after all Guido had disrespected Stacy.

 

Dave now had morphed into the total alpha dog. He felt it was time to hit Stacy up about his Megsta threesome idea. Hey Stacy, I just talked to your boyfriend and he said it's over forever and tore out of the parking lot, said Dave. Yeah Dave, me and Guido are through, said Stacy. Well Stacy, said Dave, I was thinking, me you and Megan could hook up and start a relationship like you had with Guido. I even have a name for us, DAVEMEGSTA. Dave, now feeling the authority of an alpha dog made this proud statement thinking that Stacy would naturally think it's an attractive idea to hook up with a 49 year old chubby stock boy.

 

No Dave, go away little man, responded Stacy, adding, me and Megan are a couple that's why I dumped Guido. Oh, and that MEGSTA thing, me and Megan had been using that term for a long time, so Dave, like usual you are full of old news, said Stacy. We did our names in alphabetical order for female harmony. We are tired of smelly cocks and don't need any more unkempt, disgusting, and smelly sweaty balls. So Dave, keep your smelly balls to yourself, we have sex toys that are 1000 times more pleasurable and satisfying than you or any other man. Besides we are chicks and chicks know how to turn on all the erogenous zones, guys just don’t get it, added Stacy.

 

Dave was crushed. All of his hopes and dreams of the past five years had been crushed in less than 5 seconds. A man with all the power in the world, a God gun, and he couldn't even get what he wants. This made no sense to Dave.

 

Dave told Stacy, you and Megan will be sorry you didn't take me seriously, you'll be sorry. I'm telling Mr. Snyder Stacy replied to Dave. Go ahead I'm going to be back before closing and have it out with all of you, you'll be sorry Dave told Stacy.

 

Dave left the 97.9999 cent store and headed to his car. There again was the Chinese man and his entourage. The man bowed to Dave again. Dave waved at him, got into his car, and burned rubber out of the parking lot and headed to the mall for some naked woman therapy. Dave was embracing the dark side so much he didn't bother with the trench coats. Dave was angry with Stacy and now all women were no good bitches and Dave was going to teach some bitches a lesson.

Dave nakedizied, as he called it, about a hundred women at the mall. The nightly news made a special report on the disintegrating cheap Chinese clothing causing an epidemic of nudity. Enrolments at gyms quadrupled no doubt because if we all went around naked more, we would take better care of ourselves.

 

American anger over the shoddy cheap disintegrating Chinese clothing resulted in a protest at the State Capital. The American protesters were wearing only American clothing while burning their Chinese clothes and holding up signs that said things like Chinese clothes go home and boycott Chinese crap clothing.

 

As Dave was exiting the mall he saw the Chinaman and his entourage again standing near the mall exit. The China man bowed to Dave. Dave waved back. Dave lit up a AWESOMECHRON and thought to himself man that Chinese religious order really gets around, I've seen them everywhere I've been today.

 

Dave felt the dark side take over his brain and body, now he was all about the evil and he was going to teach those bitches a lesson. When Dave arrived in the employee parking lot everyone was waiting for him, Snide, Megan, Stacy, Caitlyn, her dog love peace muffin, and Bong. When Dave got out of the car he stepped in one of love peace muffins unusually gigantic for a very small dog, turds.

 

Damn it Caitlyn, said Dave, can't you pick up after love peace muffin after it shits? We know everything Dave, said Caitlyn, you took my money, you took Trays pants and you did something to Snide's inventory. Then Snide spoke up. Davey he said, I looked at the security tape, your behind all these weird goings-on, the missing clothes, the missing money and my missing inventory. We will let you confess and tell us what you've been up to, this is an intervention, otherwise we're calling the cops Dave, added Snide.

 

Then the five interventionists squared off against Dave, reminiscent of a 1960s spaghetti Western. Then Ennio Morricone music of Dave's favorite Italian Western began playing in his head. The five against one stood tense facing off against each other.

 

Then Dave drew the God gun and vaporized peace love muffin. No not muffin, yelled Caitlyn. You can join Muffin in hell yelled Dave. Dave then vaporized Caitlyn followed by Snide. Bong, put up his hands, open and outstretched and said let's smoke a fatty man and talk about this. The stern and laconic Westerner loser Dave, turned God gun fighter, looked into bongs bloodshot watery and weed buzzed eyes and said you seen too much, dead men tell no tales. Bong replied, no, no, no……….. and after the third no Dave vaporized Bong.

 

Dave then turned the God gun on MEGSTA. Not us Dave, we can hook up they pleaded. Then Dave fired. Both Megan and Stacy in the blink of an eye were naked. Dave decided even though he is going to vaporize them he had to know. Dave was pleasantly surprised when he saw both of them naked, realizing that the reality was even better than his fantasies. Too late now thought Dave, two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead thought Dave.

 

Dave hesitated for a moment staring at their luscious sensual, perfect, seductive, alluring woman's bodies. Dave thought what a heavenly threesome that he could've had with them, then he reentered spaghetti Western mode knowing that the true gunfighter allows no one that betrayed him to live. They continued to sell the threesome idea to Dave, but Dave figured that ship had already sailed, besides he had all the numbers from the mall nakedizing adventures. All Dave said was you bitches had your chance now say hello to the devil. With this Dave vaporized MEGSTA.

 

Dave breathed a sigh of relief, until he heard a voice behind him say, excuse me Mr. Dave, May I talk to you a moment? Dave turned around to see the Chinese man and his entourage. You some kind of religious cult asked Dave? No the man replied, my name is Tang, Putin Tang, I am from China.

 

You're named after the leader of Russia, Vladimir Putin, asked Dave? No, regrettably not. My parents have a terrible sense of humor and love American slang terms. I was named for an American woman's lady privates, responded Tang. So what do you want, you Jehovah's Witnesses or something, asked Dave? No, I represent the Chinese clothing triad called the Chinese United Network Tailor's.

 

Dave laughed, you know what the acronym for your organization is he asked? Yes, this company is owned by my parents and it is again their regrettable sense of humor and desire for American slang, replied Tang. My sisters name is Easy he added. So what do you need form me asked Dave? You must turn over to me the device, the damage to our company's reputation must stop at this moment, said Tang.

 

Who's going to stop me, all these pussies behind you asked Dave? Oh no, some are men and without pussy's replied Tang. These are some of the tailors and garment workers from my parents company, added Tang. What are you going to do put me in stitches, a sarcastic Dave asked? Tang laughed, very witty Mr. Dave, garment workers, tailors and stitches. Tang then translated the pun into Chinese and his entourage laughed at this.

 

No Mr. Dave, these honorable garment workers and tailors also have special skills in Chinese martial arts. Then Tang clapped his hands and the people behind him all broke out martial arts weapons just like a 1970s kung fu movie. You will have to pry this Ray gun from my cold dead hands Dave responded. Regrettably so, replied Tang, just like a 1970s Italian Spaghetti Western.

 

Then all hell broke loose and Dave began vaporizing Tangs people. They were hard to hit and Dave had to retreat around the parking lot into an open parking area of the mall. Then, the tense Mexican standoff ensued with Dave holding everyone at bay with the God gun. The tense standoff seemed to go on for hours but it was only minutes. Finally one of the garment workers came toward Dave but then froze. Dave tried to fire but the Ray gun malfunctioned. Dave looked at it screen it said theMPDASD4500 unit is full, do you wish to reset?

Dave, in a panic yelled yes. Then the Ray gun cast a gigantic beam of light over the parking lot. Dave and the Chinese attackers looked on in awe. Then, people, animals, aliens, poop and other things started dropping from the light onto the parking lot. The device was working in reverse order. First out were the Chinese United Network Tailors. The torrent of stored up matter then continued to drop out of the light in the same condition that it had gone into the Ray gun.

 

The beautifully nude Stacy came out next followed by the equally beautifully nude Megan. Then their clothes. An intact but drug dazed Bong appeared with a tormented buzzed look on his face and he just kept repeating, wow man what a cool trip man, that was some primo shit man.

 

Caitlyn appeared and began looking for peace love muffin. Snide appeared followed by peace love muffin. Hundreds of Chinese made woman's clothes, dresses, skirts, blouses, bras and panties poured forth in a waterfall of cotton and polyester.

 

Putin Tang and the members of China United Network Tailors immediately made straight for the clothing Pile and began inspecting the various clothes. Many recognized their own work and they all began showing each other and those around them just how sturdy the Chinese made clothing from the C.U.N.T. Company was even though the clothing had been dematerialized and re-materialized. Stacy's ex-boyfriend Guido and his car appeared next and then Caitlyn's cashier tips rained down.

A Dazzed and confused drugged out JJ came next with his usual dumb look on his face and he repeatedly mumbled to himself, I need to go back to my NA meetings. Madge appeared just after JJ and it was apparent that she was still at home mentally and had no clue what had happened.

 

More women's clothes flooded forth from the light and the C.U.N.T. workers and Tang made their way to this pile to conduct a second inspection.

 

An angry and barking Zipper appeared and only muffled his annoying bark slightly while evacuating one of his prize turds. Zippers next move was as usual to then turn around, look at his masterpiece lovingly, sniff it, all while forcing his annoying bark on people.

 

More of Caitlyn's tips rained down as she fought JJ for the ill-gotten money. Ebola appeared and was immediately followed by the 19-year-old white ball of fur, fluff Pearl. Upon her appearance and re-materialization fluff Perl fell over and immediately died of natural causes.

 

Assorted pants began to appear. The ray gun re-materialization area was being covered in copious amounts of dog turds from Dave's save the Earth efforts. This was followed by traffic cop pants, a citation book, and some regular pants. Several men's hairpieces materialized which looked like freakishly large and distorted spiders as they floated down to the ground. This was followed by an elaborate car stereo system and a huge pile of bicycle spandex shorts. This new batch of clothes resulted in the Chinese C.U.N.T. factory workers rushing over to the spandex shorts to inspect them and they discussed the good quality of Chinese made clothing after being dematerialized and re-materialized some more. The nasty bra from nasty tits came next, no one would go near it, not even the Chinese C.U.N.T. factory workers would inspect this gross looking and smelling undergarment even though the soiled label said made in China.

 

Next the first Starbucks test zap clothes appeared. The nice bra and two sets of skirts and panties, the male Chinese C.U.N.T. factory workers were fighting over these garments.

 

Then appeared a sight which no one was expecting, Caitlyn and JJ stopped fighting over the money and looked on in awe. Megan and Stacy, still naked and looking spectacular, were looking through the clothes pile for their clothes but stopped and looked at what appeared next. Even zipper quit his barking for what appeared but he began licking his balls while he watched.

 

What did appear were nine unusual looking space aliens who descended slowly to the parking lot from the beam of light. They were dazed and confused but when they saw Dave holding the MPDASD 4500 ray gun they excitedly approached him and began bowing down. Dave considered zapping them with the Ray gun but it was still downloading the stored matter.

 

Then, too strange looking alien space dogs appeared. The two space dogs came to rest on the parking lot and placed their immediate focus on Zipper, Ebola, peace love muffin and the remains of fluff Perl. Zipper, Ebola, and peace love muffin saw that the space dogs were eyeballing them intently. The space dogs had shiny black leather skin and red glowing eyes. Their bodies were formed like some kind of ultra-high-speed aerodynamic species and since gravity was so much less on Earth for them than on their planet they could jump a half a mile. They seemed to move in a mechanical jet aircraft quick fashion. They appeared to be posturing for an attack. Zipper, Ebola, peace love muffin were nervous and looked at the two creatures then bolted and ran away at high speed with the black shiny space dogs in quick pursuit behind them. Zipper, Ebola, and peace love muffin recognized that the space dogs wanted to eat them or mate with them or both, they didn’t wish to stay around and find out. Zipper, Ebola, and peace love muffin were never seen again.

There were strange rumors of hybrid alien born animals based on the crossbreeding of this initial alien earth dog contact. After this shiny black space dogs were repeatedly seen throughout the southern US and down into all of South America. The natives of South America called them chupacabra’s which meant goat sucker for their penchant for drinking goats blood. In reality the space-earth dog chupacabra hybrids liked to dine on pussycats and within 3 years the common domestic pussycat had gone extinct. Kitty litter and catnip companies all went out of business and had to file for bankruptcy. Crazy cat ladies all over the planet had to find replacements for their cat army’s. Many crazy cat ladies turned to domesticated squirrels but life was never the same for them after this. Many had to start dating men again and this changed the balance of power in the world.

 

The aliens that surround Dave kept bowing their heads in some kind of hero worship. Dave the Liberator was the person who freed them, possibly from thousands of years of imprisonment inside the matrix of the Ray gun. Dave's perverted nakedification of women had filled up the ray gun with Chinese clothing and other matter so fast that it had to be emptied out after many years of storing Aliens.

 

Then, in the night sky a spaceship appeared above the aliens and they turned their attention away from Dave and looked up to the ship. They outstretched their arms toward the ship and then began pointing their palms toward it and opened and closed their fingers. A beam of Emerald green light shone down on them bathing them in a beautiful hue of green. Slowly, nine aliens ascended up into the ship. Then like a bolt of lightning the ship was gone.

 

Everyone then turned their attention to Dave. An angry mob began to swarm in anger which was directed like a spear point straight at Dave. They were unhappy with Dave scrambling their molecules and housing them in the Ray gun. Dave was actually relieved at this point that the gun did not kill but had stored them instead. Dave was just too much of a stoner to enjoy the dark side. Dave didn't like the look of the mob that appeared like they were going to tear him to pieces. Dave thought, well he would have to store them again in the Ray gun for a while rather than let them kill him. Dave knew fully well how the Ray gun worked now.

 

Dave began formulating his new plan. He could re-zap them all, zap some more beautiful women naked, fill the gun up again and then simply empty it again. Dave would then place the re-constituting beam (Dave already created a name for it) across the other side of a river or something like that where Dave could make a hasty getaway. Dave figured he had no choice but to re-zap them as they slowly but methodically closed in on him. Dave began the neural targeting interface which would return the mob as well as the Chinese C.U.N.T. workers into Ray gun storage matrix.

 

Dave readied the Ray gun to fire when suddenly the alien spacecraft reappeared and the beautiful emerald green light projected from the bottom of the saucer craft to the ground next to Dave. The mob stopped advancing, and along with Dave looked up at the craft. The nine aliens bent over inside the ship and they all motioned for Dave the Liberator, to come with them. All nine aliens were motioning with her long slender arms and fingers for Dave to step into the emerald green light and join them on the ship.

 

Dave hesitated for a moment but then he pondered his home planet Earth or live on an unknown alien planet. Dave thought, what would you do on an alien planet? Do they have weed, alcohol, porn? Quite possibly they have something like weed but even better? Dave figured that such an advanced species that can travel faster than the speed of light must have a really intense form of chronic, kush or AWESOMECHRONBONG, how could they not? If they traveled through space on long journeys then they would have to have some form of recreational drug to keep them tuned on these long trips, to take the edge off.

 

Next Dave pondered if they had some form of women and sex. Hopefully in such an advanced society sex had not become obsolete or they didn't just have sex with themselves to procreate like some worms do. Dave then came to the conclusion that since he masturbated most of the time anyway it didn't really matter. His frequent masturbation wouldn't change on an alien planet and he didn't need porn since he had a vivid imagination and he could get wood simply by thinking about Megan and Stacy naked, which he now knew was spectacular. Dave then thought that perhaps such an advanced species could make him up some really good 3-D porn if he needed it, maybe even some holographic porn like the Star Trek holodeck but for perverts like Dave. Yeah, thought Dave they got to have something like that and if they don’t he could always make a return trip to earth and grab a bunch of porn off of their broadband porn downloader or something like that.

 

What the hell decided Dave, he never fit in on earth anyway and always felt like an alien himself as well. He didn't even like his own species much. Being a human living on earth had always been more work than pleasure and tedious and annoying anyway.

 

Dave stepped into the emerald green light and slowly made his way up into the ship and a new life on his new alien home planet. When Dave got there he did find out there were alien females (at least they felt female) and they could rock an Earth man's world like no Earth chick could. Dave even found that he liked sex with them even better than masturbating to porn.

 

Dave also discovered that they had a form of recreational cannabis they called Gilbtz. Dave found it to be 1 million times more intense than chronic, train wreck or even AWESOMECHRONBONG. And an added bonus was that he found out that it made everyone that smoked it real horny and for men it was like taking Viagra on steroids, the best chubby’s ever Dave would say. The most amazing thing about Gilbtz was that unlike the earth POTUS cannabis that the government controlled and spread, Gilbtz was free.

 

Dave finally fit in on his new alien home world and he loved it, something he never could've done on earth. Maybe thought Dave, he was a piece of a puzzle that had belonged elsewhere and now he was home. Dave met two GLURB (their name for themselves) girls and enjoyed the three sums that had never been available to him on earth. Even better and more fortuitous for Dave, was the fact that one of the alien girls name was MEGIBLITZ and the other was STACIBLITZ.

 

On Dave's new planet he found out that not only are the females anatomically very similar to humans but they have what are called pleasure tentacles on their tongues and inside their vaginas. Dave finally got his MEGSTA blow me sandwich and it almost killed him. He called their pleasure probes tentacleginas. Dave became an admitted tentaclegina addict but the Glurb were not judgmental like earthlings were. Dave finally got his DAVEMEGSTA and the sexual threesome he had was mind and other blowing.

On his new home alien planet Dave finally fit in. He got into politics and was elected planetary president two times. He lived to be 600 because of the GLURB national health care system, which was known for some strange reason as OBOMABLITZ health care. Dave never did revisit earth, his wives’ on his new adoptive planet were too good to return to earth women who were so sexually boring when compared to the Glurb women.. Dave lived happily ever after.

 

Snide, lost the 97.9999 cent store when nasty tits sued him and the $.99 store changed its name to the 96.9999 store and undersold him finally forcing him into bankruptcy. Snide, finally found his niche in life and took a government job as a government accountant and got fat off the sweat of the people while overcharging them for property taxes.

 

Caitlin, changed her major from teaching to accounting. She also got a government job. But old habits are hard to break. Caitlin is currently doing 20 years to life for embezzlement from the government.

 

Bong became the biggest illicit weed dealer in California. When medicinal marijuana became legal he opened and ran the largest chain of dispensaries in the state. When recreational weed was legalized he opened up BONGMART and made so much money he got into the commercial space race and put Elon Musk out of business. Musk went broke and had to file for bankruptcy, Bong bought Tesla for pennies. He became the first billionaire to colonize Mars, only a few light years from where Dave had moved to.

 

JJ lived to be 107 years old despite a three dollar a day meth habit. The doctor said he lived so long because he never worked a day in his life, didn’t have any job stress, and the meth had preserved him.

 

Madge, died in her sleep shortly after being freed from the Ray gun. Unfortunately, JJ was on the downside of a serious meth binge and slept for six days without checking on his mom. Unfortunately for Madge, J.J had also forgotten to feed Ebola during this time so most of Madge was missing and the cops suspected Ebola had chowed down on Madge. JJ said that after that he could never look at the Ebola the same. Ebola, who by this time had developed a taste for human flesh, also never looked at JJ the same either. Madge had a closed casket funeral.

 

MEGSTA married each other, had three kids together and made millions making their own very successful girl on girl pornos. Their label MEGSTAPORNO, continued to be successful even when they were into their 80s because they still looked good naked even then. After they had rid themselves of Guido they never had to deal with another pair of smelly sweaty balls again.

 

Dave left a lasting legacy on his home planet, SPLADIZ, a new race of SPLADIZ-HUMAN hybrids. The hybrids were called DAVESPLADIZ’S and considered themselves superior, being hybrids, to the native SPLADIZ people the Glurb. This of course eventually led to a civil war between the SPLADIZ Glurbs and the DAVESPLADIZ’S.

 

The war finally came to an end when Dave's great, great, great, great, great grandson also known as Dave the 14th made his last public speech and said “let the SPLADIZ Glurbs eat fattigmannbakkels, which was Glurb Norwegian cake. After his speech, Dave the 14th launched a doomsday machine which killed all life on planet SPLADIZ which fulfilled Dave the 14th’s campaign promise to bring a quick end to the Civil War.

 

Dave the 14th’s actions only proved to the SPLADIZ Glurb people before there were vaporized into space junk the old SPLADIZ Glurb saying, no good deed goes unpunished and they should've left Dave at the 97.9999 cent store.

 

The end

 

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