People Would Buy Tickets is my first attempt at creating fiction. Do not be misled into thinking I am getting tremendously creative here. Realistic fiction becomes fiction only because I have changed the names of people and the titles of the places where it was necessary. I am still telling stories that really happened, only embellishing where I lack details or think it would be more interesting. The part of this book that is really fictional and dreamt up is in the descriptions and actions of the main characters, but I am still using stories from, and characteristics of, people I have known personally. That said, Heck and Count are wholly fictional characters, and are not meant to symbolize or represent anybody.
When I began this project, the title of the book was, Count Is Clear. After careful consideration, that title works only if you are familiar with correctional jargon. I had intended some word play with the term count, and a main character, Count, but it does not work if you are not already familiar with the term as it applies to corrections, and the character. The title that I decided on, People Would Buy Tickets, comes from a co-worker, who does not want his name mentioned here. He said these words in the form of a statement almost daily due to the hilarity of inmate interaction.
Many of you know my previous work, and realize that I was simply writing about things that really happened. There is not much writing talent in regurgitating, just a skill for translating real life to paper. The book you are about to read (that is right, you can not put it down now) has portions of fiction and vast portions of truth, so I am not trying to get completely out of my comfort zone. The primary characters are all fictional, as is much of their background, but the inter-woven humorous short stories are mostly factual, if only slightly embellished events related to me by co-workers and my own experiences while working in the corrections field.
Real places in this book, such as Lincoln, Tecumseh, Surprise, and York, Nebraska; and Chillicothe, and St. Joseph, Missouri, I have taken the liberty of changing them however it suited my fiction. Some places, such as Burriell and Greenville, are as fictional as Metropolis and Wisteria Lane (The Teri Hatcher connection there was purely coincidental, unless I have some underlying infatuation with the woman.).
I have attempted many things here, and I am hoping I will not confuse readers or myself. In addition to the plot development, sporadically inserted amongst the short stories, is a dream journal. The entries belong to Charlie ‘Count’ Mount, a primary character, and should shed some light on why he is the way he is. In addition to the journaling, there are some bits of scripture. On the surface, the scripture readings may appear out of place. Perhaps they are. The
xiiintention of adding scripture amongst specific challenges in a few of the main characters’ ordeals is to reveal that they are not completely happy with their lives and their subsequent lack of direction. If it does not work, it will not hurt you to read scripture anyway.
It donned on me while editing this book for the 134th time that, as you read, there may be some character confusion between the two main characters, Heck and Count. If I had not written this, you might have wondered if that was intentional. I wish I was that good. Just read it and wonder. If you can not figure out who is speaking, imagine I did that intentionally to make you wonder if Heck and Count have so much in common regarding their struggles with their personal honor and integrity that it could be either of them. That might make for a strange twist in the plot, while simultaneously making me look very talented. I have changed my mind. It was intentional.
The stuff that sounds believable is probably invented in my own head, and the stuff that makes you wonder, “How the heck did this nutty individual dream this stuff up?” is probably not creative at all, but lived experience.
Oh, if my fictional characters use phrases like; “That dog won’t hunt.”
“She’s as cute as a speckled pup.”
“She’s as handy as a pocket on a shirt.”
“I’m going to put some verbs in my sentences.” or,
“That raises the price of poker.” They have collectively been watching too much Dr. Phil at 4:00 p.m., CST on Channel 8, KLKN, Lincoln’s own.
This book is dedicated to the fine men and women working in corrections and law enforcement, particularly those employed by the State of Nebraska at the Diagnostic and Evaluation Center, the Lincoln Correctional Center, the Tecumseh State Correctional Institution, and the Nebraska State Penitentiary.
Additional thanks go to the multiple inmates at all of the above named locations for unintentionally providing a great deal of the material on which this book is based. No, you do not get a cut.
Also, to Russell Zywiec, who died of heart failure leaving his post, on May 19, 2006, and Thomas Roti, who died of a brain tumor on April 17, 2007. Russell and Tom were two of my academy classmates.
All errors are mine and mine alone, but I would like to thank my editor, mentor, and hero, Dr. James E. Ossian, for taking the time to help me with this project. If I were
xvCharlotte, I would weave “Some Editor” in the corner of his office.
Thanks Dad.
With the exception of the Psychology of the Snake piece, the sketches in this book have been provided by the finest illustrator on the planet, my brother, Richard E. Ossian.
The maps and assorted photography were ripped out of the Lincoln, NE phone book, taken by me, or borrowed from the Internet.
Additional thanks to Jim Jarvis of Jarvis Fine Photography for his work on the cover.The Nebraska State Correctional forms are either completely true, or somewhat doctored.
xvii
Dear Reader,
It would behoove you to study the 10-codes and correctional jargon glossary at the end of the book, prior to reading it. Not that you would gain significantly better understanding of the text, or find all of the codes and glossary’s samples embedded in the text. It would simply give you a chuckle as you preview what is to come.
xviiiWhy Do I Have To Leave?
Why do I have to leave?
I wish I could stay
Nobody bothers me
The World leaves me alone
No child support
No rent, no taxes
No bills, no high gas prices
No pressure to get a job
I don’t drink
I have all the pornography I can stand Why do I have to leave?
xix
“It gives me tremendous pride to work for the only Correctional Department in the country whose sole means of execution is the electric chair.”
- Wishing to remain anonymous, “Please don’t tell anybody I said that.” - Oxx