PUN FUN by Christopher M Robinson - HTML preview

Chapter Page

1. Puns 1 4

2. Medical Puns 1 6

3. Puns 2 7

4. Sick as a Parrot 8

5. Puns 3 9

6. Medical Puns 2 11

7. Puns 12

8. Daffynitions 13

9. Puns 5 14

10. Medical Puns 3 16

11. Puns 6 17

12. Fishy Latin 18

13. Puns 7 19

14. Medical Puns 4 21

15. Puns 8 22

16. Metric definitions 23

17. Puns 9 24

18. Medical Puns 5 26

19. Puns 10 27

20. Sophisticated Jokes 1 29

21. Puns 11 30

22. Sophisticated Jokes 2 32

23. Puns 12 33

24. A Phew More 34

 

3

Puns are awful but poetry's verse!

1. Two thirsty travellers in the Australian outback find a small homestead called Marcy. They are desperate for a drink. The homesteader offers them Koala Tea. When it comes, it is thick, green and hairy. "This is disgusting," says one traveller. "Well," says the homesteader, "The koala tea of Marcy isn't strained!"

2. Two painters are decorating a church when they start running low on paint. They decide to add some water to make it stretch further. They soon find they're getting short again and add more water. They have to do this a few times before they finish but the job looks really shoddy.

Just then there is a flash of lightning and a voice booms down from heaven: "Repaint and thin no more!"

3. A traveller stops at monastery. He is hungry and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. "Are you the friar?" he asks. "No. I'm the chip monk," he replies.

4. A nudist and a philosopher having a chat. Philosopher: "Have you read Marx?" Nudist: "It's the wicker chairs!"

5. I entered a joke competition. It asked for a clever pun. I sent in 10 sure one of them would win. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

6. Since my friend had the digits on his foot removed, I've found him annoying. Perhaps I'm just lack toes intolerant?

7. I came home from holiday to find the bin men at the house. One was a cockney. He asked me, “Where's yer bin?” I said I'd been to Mauritius.

“No. Where's yer weely bin?”

“Well I've really been to Brighton but don't tell the neighbours.”

8. A hearse is making its way up a steep hill to the cemetery. The back door flies open and the casket slides out. It hurtles through the window of

 

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a chemist shop and slides across the counter. A ghostly voice calls out, “Have you anything to stop me coughin'?”

9. Did you know that people tend to tell worse puns as they get older?

That's why we call them groan-ups.

10. The musical director, annoyed the oboist couldn't keep time, shot him. Arrested and tried, he was sentenced to the electric chair. When they pulled the switch nothing happened.

“I guess I'm a bad conductor,” he agreed.

 

5

Acute to Cardiology

Acute: Opposite of an ugly

Adenoma – What you say to your mother when you don't know the answer

Aerobe – A garment worn around the house

Alimentary – What Holmes said to Watson

Anally – Occurring yearly

Antepartum – When your father's sister goes home

Anti-Body – Against everyone

Artery – The study of paintings

Atonic – Goes with your gin

Bacteria - The back door of a cafeteria

Bandages – The Rolling Stones

Barium – What doctors do when patients die

Benign – What an eight-year-old wants to be

Bolus – What psychoanalysts talk

Botulism – Tendency to make mistakes

Bowel – A letter like a, e, i, o, or u

Buccal - Does up your belt

Bullae – A tough guy

Bunion – John's surname

Caesarean Section – A neighbourhood in Rome

Cardiology – Advanced study of poker playing

 

6

Punnish: the language punsters use or what they do to their audience

11. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

12. This woman ordered an exotic snake through a mail order operation. When the package arrived, there were only feathery necklaces in the box.

Apparently, the boa cons tricked her.

13. An official stopped me in the hospital car park to tell me "You can't park here. It's badge holders only."

"But I have got a bad shoulder!" I replied.

14. At breakfast time I am so hungry I could murder a bowl of cornflakes. Does that make me a cereal killer?

15. I told my girlfriend I had a job at the bowling alley.

"What, tenpin?" "No. permanent!"

16. When the jockey saw the groom sprinkling something behind his horse's neck, he asked, "What's that?"

"Yeast," he replied, "to stop birds building nests in your horse's mane."

"How does that work?" the jockey asked.

“Well, yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet." said the groom.

18. Underwater ophthalmology lens itself to more aqueous humour and cornea puns.

19. “It's raining cats and dogs outside.”

“I know. I almost stepped in a poodle.”

20. How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't, you get down from a duck.

 

7

Sick as a parrot

Polygon – My parrot’s flown away

Politician – This parrot uses sound bites

Political – Try to make parrot mentioned above, laugh Polytechnic – Where parrots play with Lego Polyps – mouth on a parrot

Police car – A scar where the parrot cut himself Politburo – parrot’s desk

Pollinate – Seven out of eight birds aren’t parrots Polynesian – A cross between a parrot and a cow Polyanthus – Sung by a choir of parrots

Polyester – Imitation parrot called Ester

Polygamy – Played by more than one parrot Polyhedra – Many headed Greek mythological parrot Polystyrene – Plastic parrot

Polythene – Parrot after dieting

Polyunsaturated – Parrot who stood back when car drove through puddle

 

8

A good pun is its own re-word.

21. What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

22. Feeling unwell, a man went to an alternative therapist who gave him a length of thin leather. “Chew an inch of this a day,” he was told. A month later, the leather string was finished and the man still didn't feel well. Returning to the therapist he reported, “The thong has ended but the malady lingers on.”

23. I tried to get my bicycle to stand up... but it was two tired.

24. Sign seen at a nudist camp last December:

Sorry – Clothed for Winter.

25. When a tree goes on holiday, it packs its trunk and leaves.

26. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank.

This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

27. When the vicar was visiting a parishioner, he was intrigued why the little girl called her teddy, "Gladly".

"Well," she replied, "its eyes are crossed so I thought of that hymn we sing in church: 'Gladly my cross-eyed bear'."

28. A shop owner was selling up as he was going abroad so he had a good buy sale.

29. The greedy angler wanted to make a lot of money from his catch.

He was just getting to sell fish.

30. A rabbit used to visit his pub every lunch time for a toasted sandwich. One day he'd have a toasted tuna sandwich, another day he'd have a

 

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toasted cheese sandwich, another day he'd have a toasted ham sandwich: a different sandwich each day.

He suddenly died and went to Bunny heaven where Bunny St Peter asked what he died of.

“I had Mixtamatoasties Boyo!” (I forgot to say he was a Welsh Rabbit.)

 

10

Cardiac Arrest to Fibula

Cardiac Arrest – Take into custody for stealing an American car

Carpal – Someone you drive to work with

Castrate – Market price for setting a fracture

Cat scan – Searching for a kitty

Cauterise – Made eye contact with her

Chiropractor – An Egyptian doctor

Colic – A sheep dog

Coma – A punctuation mark

Concussion – A prisoner's sofa

Congenital – To be friendly

Coronary – Domesticated yellow bird

Cortisone – The local courthouse

Cystogram – A cable sent to your sister

D & C – Where the White House is

Diarrhoea – Journal of daily events.

Dilate – To live a long time

Enema – Not a friend

Enteritis – A penchant for burglary

ER – The things on your head that you hear with

Fester – Quicker

Fibula – Small lie

 

11

Tales of the punexpected

31. Dog Biscuits: Are they made of collie flour?

32. “This coffee's muddy!”

“That's funny; it was only ground this morning.”

33. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little wine.

34. Why was the elephant sitting on an orange outside the tabernacle? It was waiting for the juice to come out.

35. Diarrhoea is inherited: it runs in the genes.

36. Field notice: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field free of charge but the bull charges.

37. Police were called to a nursery where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

38. At the last olympics, I saw this man carrying a long pole. “Are you a pole vaulter?” I called. “No, I'm a German but how did you know my name was Walter?”

39. How do you get two whales in a mini? Down the M4 and over the Severn Bridge.

40. When she got married, she got a new name and a dress.

 

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Daffynitions

 

Mistress – something between a mister and a mattress

Hypochondriac - a person wants to have her ache and treat it too

Coffee – a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted – appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate – to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade – to attempt an explanation when drunk.

Willy-nilly – impotent.

Negligent – describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph – to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle – an olive flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence – the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash – a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle – a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude – the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster – a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent – the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism – the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon – a Jamaican proctologist (bowel surgeon).

 

13

Pun dreads of jokes

41. As the animals left the ark, Noah spoke to each pair in turn: “Go thee forth and multiply!”

Two snakes disembarked. “Go thee forth and multiply,” they were commanded.

“We can't. We're adders.”

“Sit on that bench and I'll come to you when I've despatched the other animals.”

When Noah caught up with them, they were surrounded by baby snakes.

“I thought you couldn't multiply?”

“Yes. But these benches are log tables.”

42. How do you know when your shoes are on their last legs?

When they're past heeling or when their soles have departed.

43. Did you hear of the Dutchman who designed the blow up shoe? He popped his clogs.

44. Although I don't usually do drugs, I was tempted when I was offered some new, unusual ecstasy. Just then the police raided. I looked out of the window. It was too far to jump but I didn't want to be caught in possession so I threw the tablet out. Just as I was letting go of it, I'm sure I heard it sing out: “It's a long way to tip a rare E!”

45. The receptionist at my dentist's always uses a ball point pen to write up appointments. What you might call an in-biro dental list.

46. The chief of the small African tribe always welcomed important visitors from his solid wooden throne. However, he never liked using the same one twice so had a new one made for each occasion.

Because they were too good to be thrown away, his servants stored the old ones in the loft of his hut. But there was a calamity.

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One day the ceiling collapsed under the weight and the chief was killed. Which just goes to show: “People who live in grass houses, shouldn't stow thrones.”

47. The Rover's Return had a dog's tail in a frame on the wall. I asked the landlord the story of the pub's name and why this artefact.

Rover had been the pub dog and was tragically killed on the road. They rescued the tail as a memento and had it framed. Late one night a doggy apparition appeared wanting his appendage back. “Unfortunately,” said the landlord, “we're not allowed to re-tail spirits after hours.”

48. If everyone in the country painted their cars red, would we have a red car nation?

49. Her telephone number rang a bell.

50. My aunt came to visit. On her head was the most appalling creation that looked like a nest of ostrich feathers. Unfortunately my dog thought it was a plaything and, when she'd taken it off, jumped on it and tore it to shreds.

When I told my friend about it, I was laughing but he said, “That's not a good hattitude.”

 

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Ganglia to Labour Pain

Ganglia – A very tall thin person

Genes – Blue denim slacks

Genital – Not Jewish

Genotype – The kind of girl Gino likes

GI tract – American soldiers' route march

Grippe – Suit case

Hangnail – Coat hook

Haemorrhoid – A male from outer space

Herpes – What women do in the Ladies

High Colonic – Jewish Religious holiday

Hippocampus – A medical school where even a hippo can pass

Hormones – What a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid

ICU – Peek-a-boo

Impotent – Distinguished, well-known

Inpatient – Tired of waiting

Intense pain – Torture in a teepee

Intern – One after another

Intestine – Currently taking an exam

Jaundice – To include in a group

Kinaesthetics – Relationships among relatives

Labour Pain – Getting hurt at work

 

16

Pun crock

51. If you drop a piano down a mine shaft, do you get A flat minor?

52. On a camping trip, is the fun in tents?

53. Why is a baker like a beggar? They both knead the dough.

54. The cross-eyed teacher had difficulty controlling her pupils.

55. News from the wire: An accumulator is feeling run down. It's quite shocking really: he used to be a bright spark until the powers that be charged him with battery and put him in a cell, despite putting up resistance. But the circuit judge discharged him as there was no current evidence.

56. The train had a nervous breakdown; it went off the rails. (Thanks to Rev Awdry and Thomas the Tank Engine for that one.)

57. The clairvoyant was laughing at me so I hit her. I decided to strike a happy medium.

58. Police were searching for a short psychic who had escaped from prison. They were looking for a small medium at large.

59. He didn't pay the exorcist and was repossessed.

60. Two pieces of tarmac at the bar were boasting how hard they were. “I'm from the bypass,” said one. “I'm from the motorway,” said the other. Just then a piece of red tarmac came in looking for a fight and the two braggarts slunk away. “I thought you were tough!” cried a piece of pavement. “Yes. But that's a cycle path!”

 

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Fishy Latin

Caviar Emptor - Beware of the fish.

Carp Diem - Seize the fish.

Veni, Vidi, Fishy - I came, I saw, I fished.

Cod Erat Demonstrandum - Proving the fish.

Squid pro quo - Done a fishy deal.

Tempus Fish-it - Time flies when you're fishing.

Prima Fishy - First fish.

 

More Translations

Harlez-vous francais? ..... Can you drive a French motorcycle?

Repondez s'il vous plaid ..... Honk if you're Scots.

Que sera serf ..... Life is feudal.

Monage a trois ..... I am three years old.

Cogito eggo sum ..... I think; therefore, I am a waffle.

Haste cuisine ..... Fast French food.

Idios amigos ..... We're wild and crazy guys.

Le roi est mort. Jive le roi ..... The king is dead. No kidding.

Posh mortem ..... Death styles of the rich and famous.

Pro bozo publico ..... Support your local clown.

Visa la france ..... Don't leave chateau without it.

Veni, vidi, vice ..... I came, I saw, I partied.

 

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Where words are badly punounced

61. A man goes to his psychiatrist. "Doctor, you've got to help me," he says. "I keep thinking that I'm a well-known psychoanalyst." "How long has this been going on?" asks the shrink. "Well," the man replies, "it all started when I was Jung..."

62. Philosophy puns? I Kant Hegel with you. It's a Nietsche market!

63. A prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

64. Prison walls are never built to scale.

65. We were mountain trekking when my friend's lederhosen started falling apart. I quickly used a needle and thread to strengthen my own shorts and a stitch in twine saved mine.

66. A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other went to a family in Spain who named him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.”

67. If a wife thinks she's always right, will she find she's left by her husband?

68. A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

69. A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.

Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"

 

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So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play?"

And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"

70. Credit Crunch latest news: In London, the Isle of Dogs Bank has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

 

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Leper to Recovery Room

Leper: A wild cat

Malaria: Shopping place

Mammogram - A telegram to your Mama

Medical staff: A doctor's cane

Minor Operation - Coal digging

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates

Node: Was aware of

Organ transplant - What you do to your piana when you move

Organic - Organ repairman

Outpatient - A person who fainted

Paralyse - Two far-fetched stories

Pathological - A reasonable way to go

Pap Smear - A fatherhood test

Pelvis - Elvis Presley's cousin

Pharmacist - Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture

Placenta - Christmas flower

Plaster cast - The drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert

Post-operative - A letter carrier

Prostate - Flat on your back

Protein - In favor of young people

Recovery Room - A place to do upholstery

 

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Jest for the pun of it

71. Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his vehicle ran out of fuel. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

72. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

73. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

74. The teacher confiscated a catapult in the algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

75. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

76. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

77. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

78. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

79. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass."

80. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

 

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Metric conversions

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

2 monograms = 1 diagram

2 wharves = 1 paradox

 

Popular Type faeces

Arial – TV receiver

Calibri – adding machine

Comic Sans – funny beach

Tahoma – you’re home or thanks man

Times New Roman – Que Sera Serif

Verdana – greener

Wingdings – bird strike

 

23

The house of the Rising Pun

81. Sky has just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately, it's only available on paper view.

82. One entrepreneur says to another: "I've just been in the Far East prospecting for gold." "Japan?" asks the second entrepreneur. "Gosh, no," he replies. "I used much more scientific methods."

83. Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon; crispy bacon; life-giving, nearly raw, juicy bacon... all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe," says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!" So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?" With his last breath, Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush.

84. I went to work for a newspaper was surprised when a man rushed in brandishing a rolled up newspaper and proceeded to strike the office workers about the head before rushing out.

“What's all that about?” I asked.

“Ignore him, he's only the head hitter,” was the reply.

85. At the field athletics championships, a man picked up a steel ball on a length of chain and started eating it.

“What's all that about?” I asked.

“Ignore him, he's only a hammer chewer,” was the reply.

86. At the pet shop I saw a parrot painting a picture with a brush held in its beak.

 

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“That's clever,” I said.

“Oh, it's only a polly Titian,” was the reply.

87. Our vicar loves gardening but I thought he was taking the Saint Michael when I showed him my blighted salad crop.

“Lettuce spray,” he opined.

88. Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

A: Bacon and legs!

89. Confucius, he say, “Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.”

90. News is coming in of a group of sticky-fingered thieves who apparently get a buzz out of breaking into a bee-keeper's yard and stealing the honey. Police are organising a sting operation to catch them as they make a bee-line for their next target. It is hoped they will learn to behive themselves, or else they'll end up spending a night in the cells.

 

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Rectum to Weak

Rectum – Damn near killed 'em

Red blood count – Dracula

Rheumatic – Amorous

Saline – Where you go on a yacht

Scar – Rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion – Hiding something

Seizure – Roman Emperor

Serology – Study of English knighthood

Sterile solution – Not using the lift during a fire

Steroids – Hold stair carpet in place.

Surgery – A reason to get an uninterruptible power supply

Tablet – A small table

Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport

Tibia – Country in North Africa

Triple bypass – 3 lane motorway

Tumour – More than one

Ultrasound - A loud noise

Urine - Opposite of you're out

Varicose - Nearby

Vein - Conceited

Weak - Seven days

 

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From punrise to punset

91. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

92. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

93. He didn't know what a colonoscopy entailed, but he got it in the end.

94. Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He didn't believe there was a dog.

95. For some people the only puns they make are about dairy products, because the rest are just too cheesy. When they think of one, they tend to milk it for all it's worth. Usually I don't think they're gouda enough, but we could find a whey to cream off the best ones.

I cheddar to think what they'll come out with next.

96. Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey didn't have a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength ... None in the forest dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all ... hawk, lion and stinker.

97. What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

A weasel is weasily recognised but a stoat is stoatally different.

98. What's the difference between a photocopier and the flu? One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.

 

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99. One man's fish is another man's poisson.

100. A man wanted to become a priest, so he went to a theological college to enrol. But when he arrived, he was met at the gates, and given his degree without even having to step into the college.

When he asked why, they said that it had been pre-ordained.

 

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1.A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.” 2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?” 3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?- Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog. 4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.” (Transmission Confirmation Protocol) 5. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

6. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish. 7. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

8. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg. 9. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

10. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

11. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

12. Never trust an atom. They make up everything. 13. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

14. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

15. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

16. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

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Tales of punny rabbits?

101. Employees of the local 10-pun bowling club have gone on STRIKE, leaving the management in diSPARE. Staff say they want to live life in the fast LANE, but have been treated like TURKEYs and left feeling PINned down. "Don't FENCE us in," said one, "or we'll SPLIT." Management say they're OPEN to discussion, but staff feel they're being pushed into the GUTTER like ALLEY cats.

102. A duck goes into a shop and asks, "Can I have some lip salve please?"

The shop assistant asks, "Will you be paying cash?"

The duck replies, "No thank you, just put it on my bill."

103. Walking through a graveyard, I heard noises coming from Beethoven's tomb. It sounded a bit like his ninth symphony but was playing backwards. I fetched the rector. When he came he identified the eighth symphony being played backwards. We listened and it was followed by the seventh being played backwards.

“Ah!” He said. “He's just decomposing.”

104. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

105. It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

106. I heard the game reserve was having a jungle sale. I went and bought an impala for £10,000 and an antelope for £15,000. When I got home my wife scolded me for wasting our money. All I could say was, “Oh dear deer, dear!”

 

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107. I left my new brogues with the shoe shine boy. Unfortunately a cat ate them. When I returned I saw a mangy feline licking its lips. Turning to him I asked, “Pardon me boy. Is that the cat that chewed my new shoes?”

108. The Buddhist refused pain-killers during the root canal filling because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

109. We ate at a German restaurant. The first course was awful.

“But I'm afraid, the wurst is yet to come,” I told my wife.

110. There were 5 of us waiting to see the Optician and this guy came up to us and gave us an eye queue test.

 

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17. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

18. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

19. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer. 20. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

21. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

22. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?” 23. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

24. Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm are driving when a policeman stops them. “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know where I am,” replies Heisenberg. “You were doing 50 in a 30 mile an hour zone.”

“Great,” shouts Heisenberg. “Now I’m lost.” The policeman asks him yo open the boot. “Do you know there’s a dead cat in here?”

“We do now!” shots Schrödinger.

The policeman moves to arrest them but Ohm resists.

 

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The pun is mightier than the sword.

111. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they'd be baguls.

112. Fred Penn lives with his two aunties who run a cafe in the local town. The cafe is famous for its variety of pasties and Fred often helps them out by keeping the menu board up to date. This menu board is what you might call........."The Pie Rates of Penn's Aunts"

113. I used to work at a massage parlour, but I got fired. They said I just rubbed every body up the wrong way.

114. One of the chickens in the hen-house decided to be different, and instead of laying an egg, laid an orange instead.

One of her chicks came in and saw it, and said "Look at the orange marmalade!"

115. When politicians get the flu, you never know which way they're going to vote...

sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the nose.

116. Can a shoe box?

No. But a tin can.

117. And in the stock market today, helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

118. It's good to be with people who think puns are a gas. Acetylene that way myself.

119. Some divers recently surveyed the ocean bed under the Bermuda triangle. They found a wreck tangle.

120. Three brothers bought a cattle ranch and asked their father what he thought they should name it.

He said, "Call it 'Focus', because that's where the sun's rays meet."

 

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A phew others

Just one or two that don't fit other categories that I found funny.

Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big 'hello' .

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can't place where he might know her from, so he says, 'Sorry, do you know me?'

She replies, 'I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children'

Dylan's mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, 'Blimey!' he says, 'Did we meet on Frank's stag do in Newport? Dylan continued, 'When I got out of the police station and got back to the hotel room you had gone.'

No, 'she replies, 'I'm your son's English Teacher'.

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious someone was at home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card and wrote, “Revelation 3: 20” on the back of it and pushed it through the letter box.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found his card had been returned. Added to it was the cryptic message, “Genesis 3: 10”. Reaching for his bible, to check the citation, he broke into gales of laughter.

Revelation 3: 20 begins, “Behold I stand at the door and knock.”

Genesis 3: 10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”

If Britney Spears married Bryan Ferry, would she become Britney Ferry?

There’s been a fight in the biscuit tin. A lad called Rocky hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribbon and made his Breakaway in a Taxi.

 

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Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight in Maryland with a Ginger Nut known to the police as Rich T.

They didn’t leave a crumb of evidence so the Jammie Dodger got away with it!

 

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About this book

 

During nearly thirty years

working as a Junior School

teacher, and subsequent

work with adults with a

wicked sense of humour, I

collected hundreds of jokes.

This book is just a

representative sample.

You may have seen some of

them elsewhere.

Although I can claim to

have created some of the content, who really know where jokes originate? Most of them will have been heard in the retelling by others over and again.

Anyway, trusting not having committed any copyright violations, I hope this book will raise a laugh or two and help to pick you up if you feel down.

 

Remember: seven days without a pun makes one weak!

A pun has not fully matured until it is – Full Groan!

 

The author has writes non-fiction under the name Chris Robinson and fiction under the name of Christopher M Robinson.

 

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Current publications are available for download from Free-eBooks.net.

 

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