Free and Clear by Edward Drobinski - HTML preview
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Chapter 9
I come to the conclusion that it is perilous to defy the wishes of the DPR. I utilize his reminding e-mail to invite Kevin Schultz back as I had originally promised. It doesn’t matter that that promise was originally made to get rid of him on a positive tone and nothing else. The passage of time, albeit miniscule, has strongly suggested to me that my “argumentative”
pursuit of substance is futile. To go with the flow of what I consider obvious absurdity is a path which is made much easier by the powers that be. I could continue to insist on my faulty perceptions; like loans are made to be paid back, but that would bely the actuality of a growing entity’s constantly increasing debt dependence, being required to actually pay some back only when things went sour; precisely when they are least able. As stupid and ridiculous as it sounds that is the way of business institutions. My co-obligor and I have been made into an enterprise without our efforts.
Jeremy Evidenza likes to tell me and anyone else he can get to listen, to his longer vantage point. He says; “The need for perennial growth is the fatal flaw of the American economic system. Growth is provided by the high priced and drug addicting government and business.”
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I cannot deny the government part of that. They’re all over the place. Jeremy says that if we can no longer grow in assets we can grow in debt with no limit, other than the printing presses’ perseverance. The financial mavens say that the worth of an enterprise is a function of its projected income divided by the risk free interest rate, with no regard to archaic concerns of assets and liabilities. Iodine Head and his Fed Flunky pioneered this Alzheimerist simplicity in the stagflation malaise of the early 1980’s; resulting in leveraged buy outs which gave the owners their cake and let them eat it too.
Whereas previous business downturns were handled by the business’s available liquid assets, now the slightest dip becomes handled by the layoff of workers. Risk and reward considerations are turned upside down; those taking the greatest rewards became insulated from the greatest risk. Now, we live in this world of Bizarro, which became completely intolerable during the reign of Prince Dubya when he supplied the finishing touches in the 2000’s.
There have been more than three decades of creeping poverty, homelessness, stagnation and the solidification of a new monarchy. Since there has been no groundswell of outrage, I have to assume that the status quo is fine with the vast majority. It is not my job, nor do I have the audacity to tell anyone what they should be doing and expect the same favor. It
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has been demonstrated that people have the ability to get used to anything after a while.
I consider that quite a mouthful from someone who is a hermit; at an age where Alzheimer’s would be no surprise; and one who seems easily swayed to believe that there are groups of powerful people living on a yet-to-be-located island, who exist primarily to screw up human lives.
It’s time for Martha and me to join the ranks of the silent accepting majority. I necessarily have a new plan. I will project my income grandly in order to maximize debt and then make no repayment effort. I tell Martha of this. She smiles as her rubber chicken drops to the floor and she makes one farewell entreaty to her hloop. I tell her that, worst case, we will become homeless in a motor home, then move in with some suckers.
I think; “The Federal government itself tells me that it’s the American way and they’re the ones with the power to pull my licenses. What can Jeremy do for me?” Martha silently hugs me, then eagerly departs for work. She says; “I can now tell some of the jerks what I think of them.”
Martha has trusted me with her power of attorney as she has no interest in dealing with another intruder into our formerly quiet and reclusive way of life. I’ve been becoming accustomed to being under the constant scrutiny of the government flunkies and their informants. Isn’t this what Jeremy says always
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happens? ....... No matter. My friend, Schultzy is due here any minute.
The doorbell plays what seems like a long and slow rendition of “Taps”. The humor I formerly found in the sound seems to have departed. I hope this is a temporary thing. I am unsettled. Martha and my long thought out goals are about to be turned upside down in the whirlwind of process which has only taken a few short weeks. The repeat playing of “Taps” reminds me of when both John Wayne and Gary Cooper died in the same movie.
I pour and down a quick glass of wine. I am reminded that my co-obligor and I were never ones to get last minute cold feet. Fuck it all; here goes. I hum; “You should know by now that it’s just a scam.”
I open the door and greet Schultzy by the name he allows his friends to call him. We sit at opposite sides of the kitchen table and he opens his briefcase. He actually seems to be exhibiting a bit of a smile. If not exactly that, he is showing his teeth.
I say; “I want to thank you for your advice. You know, I didn’t want to hear it at first, but I can see many advantages in re-mortgaging. Of course we can buy a lot of stuff, but we will also pay less taxes due to the interest deduction, and then be able to buy even more stuff.” I feel on the verge of
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intoxication and get up to get another glass of wine and offer one to Schultzy.
He leans back and says; “Thanks, but no. It’s not permitted and you never know when some government flunky is watching.
....... I’m glad you came around to our way of thinking. Most do.”
I choke out the words; “Public co-operation is the crux of our existence.” I try to keep my face straight and am not sure I was successful as I feel a tick near my right eye.
He gives me a momentary grimace-smile with a discerning look and increasingly wrinkled brows. The questioning moment quickly passes from observable criteria. He leans over and consults his gold-leaf edged, imitation leather, plastic briefcase. He retrieves an ominous stack of official appearing documents. Though I am scanning them from the disadvantage of a reversed and upside down position, I can clearly see the names of George Michaels and Martha Michaels. They stand out in a large, bold type. It has the effect of making the crinkled, Alexander Hamilton era mimicking papers seem off balance.
I say; “I imagine that the note is made out for an amount based on the appraisal.”
Shultzy answers; “Yes, of course,” as if he was surprised at the stupidity of the question.
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Since my plan is to never repay a cent, I followed with; “I had an idea. ........... Since it is good for the US economy for me to be in debt, how about I borrow more than the house is worth? You mentioned something to that effect during your last visit.”
Schultzy does a double take and then says; “Makes good sense.”
I add; “A lot more than it is worth.”
“Well, ............. I never did that before. Very unconventional.”
“These are unconventional times and think of all the crap I could buy with the extra money.”
“How much are you talking about?”
“175% of appraisal.”
“You’re serious?”
“Yeah. Can you do that?”
Schultzy went back into his briefcase and pulled out two books; one titled “DPR Operating Manual” and the other titled
“DPR Operating Manual.” They were of differing colors and sizes.
He widened his eyes and said; “Let me see.” He vocalized
“mmmmmm,s” and tiny grunts and nasalized snorts as he quickly flipped from indices to instructional pages, seemingly aggravated that he had to spend part of his day reading to find an answer.
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I hoped that his passages were clear. I mentally chuckled as I watched his periodic pained expression.
Schultzy slammed the books shut and said; “Well, there’s nothing in here that says you can’t. Though, one part says it is not encouraged.”
“That strongly implies that it is periodically done.”
“Yeah, I guess. I don’t really care. I get a percentage of the gross anyway. Can I use your computer and printer?”
“As long as you don’t go to a kiddie porn website.”
Schultzy looked at me as if I had just called his mama a whore.
I said; “Poor attempt at a joke. Forgive me. Of course you can use my computer. But, why?”
“So there’s no record of my being a pervert on my own machine, of course.”
My face froze and he started laughing. He said; “Poor attempt at a joke. .............. I want to get copies of the pages I’ll have to change.”
He did precisely that as I stood over his shoulder just to be sure. We closed the transaction and I held a tax-free, federal government, check for more money than I ever had at one time. After he left I got back on the computer to research motor homes. The Freeeloader brand intrigued me as I was attracted to the box-like cabin with a small snout to accommodate two-seater
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driving. Its simple off-white color suggested something very un-contemporary and thereby timeless. The pictured and promised spaciousness, durability, excellent gas mileage and dealer financing with no money down sold me to a point of detail-ignoring frenzy.
I couldn’t take my eyes off the Freeloader website with its attractive moving picture of the rolling house. The promo claims served to add icing to the cake. The Aqua-Hot zoned heating foretold of a time when I would be able to get hotter than I ever dreamed; and in the area I chose at the moment. The Bush extendable dinette promised long hours of tranquility, luxuriously supported by insatiable mounds. The unelaborated Flex-Bed system held an infinity of possibilities. The Ideal Rest Nouveau Digital Comfort Control Mattress presumably added new ideas to the bed at the touch of a button. The In Lounge turns into whatever one needs; thereby magically incapable of disappointment. True Air relieves me of the lifelong burden of being wary of possible falsity. The Quick Connect sewer hookup, Rest Easy convertible couch-lounge-bed, Store More smart storage, Ultra-leather and Resistant conversion varnish made me absolutely dizzy. My boggled mind compelled me to race to the nearest dealer.
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