The Renfield Syndrome by Clifford Beck - HTML preview

Chapter 19

After giving painting something of a break, Caspian again took up his and, using oils, brought up colors that were noticeably brighter—possibly a reflection of a positive step in the recovery of his longstanding trauma. For a while it seemed to work, but he shortly strayed back into his old creative habits, mixing light with dark, and soon the images slipped into chaotic darkness as they had before. “Goddamn it!” he yelled. “Why can’t I get out of this?!”

The sound of anger drew Reuben’s attention, and after making his way into the basement, he found Caspian tearing up the paintings he had just finished.

“Caspian,” he said. “What is it?” Pacing around the cellar floor, he continued chastising himself for what he saw as a failure. He couldn’t seem to get past one particular theme, one that seemed to reflect a darkness held within him since the beginning of his childhood torment.

“I can’t fucking do this anymore,” he replied. “I’ve got one decent painting, but I can’t break out into anything else. What the fuck is wrong with me?!” Sitting on the bottom step of the cellar stairs, Reuben considered the possibilities.

“Well,” he said. “Have you thought about walking away from it for a while? There are woods and trails out back. Maybe a short hike would do some good—clear your mind.” Caspian had never considered this. He always seemed to be locked up in his mind, spending his time either in the cellar painting or in his room watching movies. Reuben and Dorothy had repeatedly suggested that he get out and get some air, but he had never had a use for such activity. Now, he saw it to be a benefit to something he invested himself in, and grabbing his jacket, he headed out the back door and, looking at the woods nearby, took a deep breath of autumn air. He had never been allowed outside as a child and felt the healing effect of something he had never experienced.

As Caspian made his way towards the woods, he noticed the colors of the leaves and was struck by their beauty. Autumn was at its peak, and what he saw would never leave his mind. But he also found himself becoming irritable as his mind became plagued with conflicting emotions. One moment he found himself sullen almost to the point of tears. The next was filled with anger, thinking what it might feel like to take a life. This battle of madness did not play out often, but when executed, it seemed to take him over to the point of mindless obsession. A walk through the woods helped, but not much. Somewhere along the trail he happened upon a small pond with a large rock sitting next to its edge. Having never hiked through any wooded area, Caspian found himself tiring and sitting on the rock, wondering what he would do regarding his dwindling state of mind. He found the idea of getting therapy unappealing -- that was for crazy people. Whatever happened, he would work out for himself without any help from anyone. Between the whispers he heard in his mind and the war of emotions being fought in his soul, he vowed to tell no one—even Reuben and Dorothy. He wasn’t sure how to proceed, but if he consulted the proper sources, he believed he could find a solution.