The Cool Room by Clifford Beck - HTML preview

Chapter 41

A hot shower generally soothes the nerves of even the most tangled mind. But as Frank held his head under the shower head, all he felt was hot water pouring down his body. Anything else seemed either dormant or lying dead somewhere within him. Giving up on any effects of the shower beyond that of cleanliness, Frank stepped out and, with his feet on the bathmat, began toweling himself off. Running the towel over his face, he felt an odd sensation under his nose. Bringing it away from his face, he looked down to find several inches of it soaked with blood. It wasn’t worth panicking over, but it did prompt some concern as Frank debated the thought of going to the hospital. He knew what the cause was, and so would anyone who examined him. It was likely he had developed a small ulcer from the application of what was now his daily band-aid. Still, it did not occur to him that he may be overdoing it and that he might be addicted. Perhaps denial was the first step.

Holding the towel to his face, Frank managed to dress in all but his tie and jacket, fumbling between the towel and the difficult process of dressing while avoiding staining his clothes with blood. He had a service to perform, and although he had plenty of time, he reached the conclusion that Jonathan and Emily might carry out the service while he retreated to his office. The cocaine was beginning to take its toll on him, but the exhaustion he felt, he rationalized, as only the product of the nightmare that plagued his previous night’s sleep. All of this was the result of one haunting reality: He needed more. The fact that he had procured a gram of the fluffy white powder only yesterday was irrelevant. He knew he would likely need more, and probably sometime within the next week. Without it, the pain promised to return. Every day he refused the experience of loss required of him as a human being, meaning that when it finally arrived, it would tear through his soul, leaving him in ruins as if caught up in a psychotic episode. From his training, Frank knew that grief is a necessary experience, even if one felt complete spite for the deceased when in their earthly life. Grief is normal, healthy and human. Even chimps in the wild have been observed grieving over the loss of those close to them. And yes, animals can become depressed.

With the bleeding finally staunched, Frank examined his face in the bathroom mirror as he shaved. Buttoning his shirt, put on a tie and jacket, and walked downstairs for his morning coffee. His appetite had been lacking over the last two weeks, but he ignored that as well. Frank made it his priority to remain functional so he could keep his business afloat. His business finances were not nearly that bad. In fact, new business was coming in every day, but it was the only excuse he could invent to continue medicating himself. Some might say, ‘the end justifies the means’. But Frank’s situation did not reflect this colloquialism, as he faced the possibility of watching his life spiral into chaos – losing his ability to function from one day to the next. What had not yet occurred to him was that his breaking point was soon to arrive.