Tales from Purgatory by S. Zachary Schumer - HTML preview

Surprise

It’s been a great day. Things could not have worked out any better. I have been dreaming about this day for years. Maybe as long as I can remember.

For years I was alone. I never could find a relative. Nobody to share a common family history and joy. I remember the legend of old uncle Attila. Now, that was a man. Perhaps a man and a half. Could there ever be another person who’s fat matched his stupid? There he was, a legend my mother told me about. Someone I never got to know. Just know about.

I think the trouble is my name. I spell Elliot different than anyone else. They spell the name Eliot. Perhaps along the way someone dropped a consonant. Non -scholars do things like that.

So, this morning I got up early and brushed my teeth twice. I do that when I want to make a good impression.

When you make a good impression you feel good about yourself and the ones you impress feel impressed.

Enough of this. My mind is racing and I can’t seem to think clearly. Have I been drugged or I am just excited about the meeting of my relatives for the first time.

I heard about them from a friend. He told me about the name and told me to steer clear of that bunch. How could I do that? They may be blood.

That’s why I came to this town and looked them up.

So, I showed up unannounced. I felt that family does not need an invitation.

There we were. A whole family of Attila clones. One is fatter than the next. If that isn’t blood I don’t know what is.

The refreshments they offered me lacked commitment. I didn’t feel like an honored guest. However, they assured me that bologna and day old bread is a delicacy. When I asked for mustard they gave me a small bowl of crushed mustard seeds.

So, I sit here in this dark room where they sent me. I’m all excited and aglow waiting for my surprise.