Digger - The Doctor Will See You Now by Clifford Beck - HTML preview

Chapter 5

Graduation was just around the corner, and Ryan began to feel even more pressure as the all-nighters turned into weekends, and spring break just meant more time for studying. With everyone else gone to one party or another, there would be no distractions. With little sleep, Ryan studied for the entire week. He stocked up on food to avoid having to step out for groceries. He didn’t feel that a week would be long enough and had to make use of every minute. By the time the week was up, he had reflected on it as an exercise in self-imposed psychological torture. Still, medical school promised to be far more demanding.

Graduation is an event that most people experience only once in their lifetime. They earn their bachelor’s degree and simply move on. But for Ryan, this was only the first of a series of goals, and failure to achieve any of them would bring his education and, thus, his future to an end. The ceremony was filled with the pomp and circumstance typical of an institution like Bowdoin, and as expected, his mother sat in the audience. But there was something she’d been keeping from him -- something that would change his life. However, this was not exactly the right time to bring it up. Soon the graduates formed a line as many remained seated, waiting for direction. Each, in turn, was announced by name and stepped up onto the stage. They reached for their diplomas with the left hand and shook hands with the department chair with the other. That single moment represented the pinnacle of Ryan’s life, and as he set his feet back on the floor, he did so as an educated individual. The bachelor’s degree is the standard set by society that defines one as being educated. Intelligence, however, is measured by a completely separate yardstick.

After the ceremony, Ryan and his mother got together for lunch. It was typical for new graduates to receive a gift of congratulations from their parents. After all, it was a big step for any young adult on their way into the harsh land of the real world. But the only thing his mother really knew about him was that he loved to read. So over lunch, she gave him a book wrapped in gold gift paper, quietly congratulating him as he tore it open. “I’ve never read this before,” he said. She gave him a copy of ‘The Grapes of Wrath’, by John Steinbeck. Ryan always enjoyed European literature and never, until now, considered reading the American authors. He turned it over and scanned the synopsis as his mother looked on. She reached across the table and took his hand. Ryan’s focus was immediately broken as he looked up at her.

“Ryan,” she began. “I’ve been meaning to say this for a long time.”

Ryan’s attention suddenly hung on her every word. “Mom, whatever it is...” he replied. “Ryan, please, just listen,” she interrupted. She took a moment to collect her thoughts. “After your father died,” she continued. His father was a topic he never wanted to talk about, and he had come to find himself torn between two strongly opposing emotions. On one hand, he hated his father and likely always would. Even in death, he never considered him to have been anywhere close to human, much less a father. On the other hand, there was within him the occasional twinge of guilt over the fact that killing his father also left his mother alone to fend for herself. Ryan’s expression spoke for him as he sat back with a frustrated look.

“Ryan, I know you don’t like to talk about this, but I need to say this, alright? So, if you don’t want to talk, then just listen.”

Her request caught him off guard, and he quickly realized this was an issue she needed to address. Ryan tempered his emotions as his mother continued. “Ryan, after your father died, I was so angry. But at the same time, I was so glad he was gone. I don’t know if it’s okay to say that or not.”

She paused again to collect herself. “I’m sorry, Ryan.”

“Mom,” Ryan interrupted.

“There is nothing to be sorry for. You’re entitled to feel however you want about this.”

“Ryan, I’m sorry you went through all of that with your father. He always seemed to go after you, and I still don’t know why,” she said.

“I just wanted you to know that everything’s okay and that we both need to move on, okay? I don’t know if any of this helps, but...”

“Mom,” Ryan interrupted. “You don’t have to do this. It’s okay.”

She took a deep breath and resigned herself to Ryan’s insistence. But there was more, and she decided the day of his graduation from college was not the time for that conversation.

Her eyes teared up slightly as she did her best to push back her emotions. And, wiping tears away from her eyes, she managed to change the subject. But Ryan Newman was something else, and he knew it would not be good news. However, she would talk about it when she was ready. “So UNE, huh?” she said.

“I don’t know much about it, but I guess it’s the only medical school in the state.”

“Yeah,” Ryan replied hesitantly.

He knew exactly what she would ask next. “So, how much does it cost to be a doctor these days?” she asked.

Ryan knew the subject of money would come up sooner or later, and this seemed to be as good a time as any. “About sixty thousand dollars a year,” he answered. His mother suddenly sat up as her eyes widened in disbelief. “How much?” she asked.

“Yeah, sixty thousand a year,” he answered. Even he had difficulty believing that any college could be that expensive.

“I’m going to have to take out loans, probably about three hundred thousand.”

“That’s a hell of a lot of money, Ryan,” his mother said with a serious tone.

“But I don’t think you’ll have to do that.” Ryan was suddenly lost. He knew that kind of money had to come from somewhere, and he already owed on loans he’d taken out for Bowdoin.

“Mom, you can’t possibly be able to pay for this,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Actually,” she replied. “A few years ago, I talked your father into a one-million-dollar life insurance policy. And, um...anyway, I kept half for retirement. So, you’ve got half a million dollars waiting for you. I think that’ll cover your tuition and then some.”

Ryan’s mouth dropped open, and his eyes widened in disbelief.

“I was angry for a long time about what happened. But I knew you’d need the money sooner or later.” Ryan was without words but did manage a near-tearful ‘thank you’.

“You know,” she continued. “After everything that’s happened, this is the least I can do. Of course, your brother and sisters will receive some of this too. But I thought you would need it the most.”

Not wanting to continue with what was obviously a painful issue, she, once again, changed the subject back to his impending work at UNE. Ryan had already printed out a copy of the program curriculum from their website. His mother seemed to be very curious about what he would be studying and had many questions to ask. But all Ryan could tell her was what he had learned from the website, and there wasn’t much on it that was relevant to her questions. “So, you’ll be taking a break this summer?” she asked. She wanted to spend some time with him before he went to UNE, but she wasn’t surprised when Ryan told her he planned to continue studying throughout the summer for the simple reason of staying sharp. There was, however, another reason. His mother still lived in the same house, and he could not bring himself to see it, much less live there. There were too many ghosts within its walls.