One client had a weak heart and I dreaded being on shift by myself with him. I remember the first time I was alone with him I really panicked because he fell off his chair and started shaking uncontrollably. I immediately called my co-worker who had just slipped out for a short time, but when she did not return at once I called the ambulance, and in the meantime I tried to pacify the client by trying to remember the things that I had been taught by Endeavour trainers at the pre-employment classes.
Meanwhile my co-worker and the ambulance arrived at the residence almost at the same time, and imagine my surprise when the ambulance worker greeted my client with, “How are you mate? You haven‟t been giving your new support worker a hard time, have you?” During this time my client started laughing as well as my co-worker. But my boss told me that I had done the right thing. I did not know this client well enough to judge whether he was putting on a 45
turn or not. In the future I made sure I was not by myself with him. But fortunately he did not try the same thing again with me. It was very sad, but while I was working there he died. Actually he died when he went home to his Mum on a weekend visit. All the support workers missed him very much.
Another client asked me to marry him. I was very touched until the other co-workers told me that he had asked them to marry him as well!
At the residence I remember that most of the clients used to watch “The Bold and the Beautiful” every afternoon at 4.30. My afternoon/evening shift started at that time and so I got to know from the clients all about who was who in this serial. They had to explain to me many times about the characters and inevitably sometimes I got it wrong. But they were so patient with me, and in time I got to know all about the characters, and where they figured in the story. Often after tea at night some of the clients (especially the girls) would sit down and we would all have deep and meaningful conversations about what had happened that day in “The Bold and the Beautiful.” A couple of the boys used to watch the show periodically, but most of the boys preferred to watch football or cricket. When my shift had finished I sometimes found myself still discussing this serial and consequently I did not always knock 46
off on time. But I have no regrets. I still keep in touch with a few of the clients (including “Miss Coke.!”)
I have many wonderful memories of my Endeavour friends, but there is one particular incident I will always remember. One of the clients, Bryan (not his real name) couldn‟t talk but seemed to make himself understood when he really had to. Bryan had a passion for watching “Star Wars” DVD‟s and used to spend most nights in his room glued to the TV. He was a strange little lad – I say “little” but actually he would have been about thirty years of age.
I had only been working for Endeavour for about a year and of course I still missed you so much, Cameron. Since you passed over I could not even bring myself to walk along the beach as it held too many sad memories for me. However I really wanted to do it because I somehow thought that it was the right thing for me to do, and when I thought about it, I felt that you would have wanted me to make the effort, too. So one day before I went on afternoon shift, I walked down to the beach. (The Endeavour Residence was just a street away from the beach.) But as soon as I set foot on the sand I knew I could not do it. My feet became as heavy as lead and my legs turned to jelly. On top of that I was also very upset and I started crying a bit. But it was then time 47
to go to work. I was still a little teary-eyed when I got to work, but I tried not to show how upset I was.
One of my co-workers gave me a bit of a hug, and the only client there at this particular time was Bryan. He just looked at me without “saying” a word. Then I went on with my work and somehow I managed to work through my shift, trying not to let anybody know how I really felt. It was hard but I thought I had done a pretty good job of disguising my real feelings. I knocked off right on time that particular night and went home and then over to my friend‟s place where we shared a bottle of white wine together. I remember having a good cry too, but I‟m sure that my friend Julie did not mind. I resolved to have another try at the beach walk again at a later date.
Next morning I happened to be on early shift. I had to start at 6 o‟clock. On this particular morning I was running a bit late (probably because of the wine that my friend and I had consumed the night before). If I was running a bit late for work I would drive my car and I did on this particular morning. When I arrived at work imagine my surprise to find Bryan waiting at the gate for me.
He rushed over to my car and hardly waited for me to open the door. He then grabbed me round the waist and gave me the biggest bear hug I had ever had in 48
my life! And wonder of wonders he said in a voice as clear as a bell, “You „orright, Mate?” I will never forget this experience as long as I live! I was just so overwhelmed! Of course we both started crying after that, but this time it was different. We cried happy tears – not sad tears.
So, Cameron, this is just one part of my life that has changed since you passed over. Your passing has made such a difference to me in more ways than one. I hope I am a better person these days. Don‟t get me wrong though – I am not one of those “bleeding hearts” – far from it! But I do try extra hard now to think of other people much more that I ever did in the past. I really want my family and friends, (that definitely includes you, Cameron), to be proud of me.
When I was much younger I wanted to change the world and I took part in heaps of protest marches. I protested against wars. I protested against animal cruelty. I protested for better conditions for women in Third World countries. In fact I was part of nearly every protest going! I got arrested several times; but now my friends tell me that I have “mellowed.”
(How I hate that word!). Nevertheless I still feel a burning desire to help people, and if, during the rest of my life. I only succeed in helping just one person, then I will be so happy!
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Miss Me - But Let Me Go
The following are some excerpts read at Cameron‟s funeral. These were written by Shona, Nick and I.
SHONA
We have been close from young to old. I loved you then and I love you now.
I treasured the memories of you bringing me flowers
- (sometimes bought and sometimes stolen from someone‟s garden). You made me laugh a lot. You weren‟t afraid to hug us when we were sad and tell us that everything would be all right.
I will always remember the walks and talks along the beach out at Bribie Island and Beechmere and the way you collected shells.
One of your happiest times was when your children were born. They were part of your life which you cherished.
Everyone here today is connecting with you from different stages of your life and I am sure each of them will miss you too.
I‟m glad you are finally at peace. There‟ll be no more torment. No one or nothing can hurt you now, my friend.
We will talk to you often and love you forever and beyond.
See you on the other side, mate!
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NICK
During the time you lived with me I really got to know you and I thank you for sharing your music with me, (even though it was often loud). It was a happy and memorable time for me. Also thanks for all the talks we had about everything. They were stirring and stimulating.
I felt that the strength of your emotions was an openness you don‟t get from everyone. At times it was scary and it hurt to see you like that. I know sometimes it was too dark for you to see us. But I wished we could have eased your pain more.
Although you dabbled in the dark side at times, you were never afraid to take a piece of the beautiful side either – like seashells and sunsets.
MUM
I loved the way we grew to understand each other.
The last ten months of your life with me were some of the best times we had. I‟ll miss you so much, Cameron.
When you were young we went to Afghanistan and a friend we made over there wanted to trade 100
camels for you!
When we returned to New Guinea after our leave, and at times you were a bit of a pain, I did contemplate on sending you back to Afghanistan C.O.D. But not a chance!
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The following is a prayer which was given to us by our good friend, Tom Venables. This prayer became our favourite prayer.
Every day I need You, Lord, but this day specially I need some extra strength to face whatever is to be.
This day more than any day I need to feel You near –
To fortify my courage and to overcome my fear.
By myself I cannot meet the challenge of the hour.
There are times when human creatures need a higher power –
To help them bear what must be borne.
And so, dear Lord, I pray - hold on to my trembling hand and be with me today.
“When we hold firmly to God
in prayer we can rest assured
He will hold tightly to us”.
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Through My Eyes
The following are some extracts from Cameron‟s diaries. We found them in Cameron‟s room after he died and Shona, my daughter typed them out for me and then they were published by the “White Wreath Society”. They were written by Cameron during some of the worst days of his life. I have taken just a few of these entries at random, but they show just much how he suffered with his bi-polar disorder. I have read similar accounts written by other sufferers and all I can say now is that I wished I had not only known more about the disorder, but also about Cameron and these other people who had suffered also.
FRIDAY
“Well here I am Friday night and having a grog. Got the guilts about the usual shit! I‟m trying to listen to some music but it‟s not helping this time! Work tomorrow! Can‟t sleep! Led Zepelin on now. Went to Shona‟s for a while. Had a belt this arvo! No good!
The piece of shit had the cheek to ask for another $100! But every dog has its day! I know the story backwards. What is it with these c……s. They think a bloke is just a fucking idiot! KARMA! I must be a glutton for punishment! I don‟t want to go to work to-morrow. I hate everything. Same old cycle. I wish I could break it. I hate this place. I miss my 53
kids so badly. Nothing I can do about it! But my punishment isn‟t up yet. Just rang Terry (the germ).
What a c….he is. He and Tony must pay. They all must pay eventually. They are nothing a mob of plastic gangsters. But what can I do? Something has got to give soon. And it fucking will one day. Try, try, try to get positive like Brownie used to and work it out! These other c…s think I‟m a fucking idiot!
When it all boils down I am for dealing with them!
It‟s on again! Who‟s the fuckwit this time? Just talked to Terry and Tony! Both c…s laughed! What germs they are! But I‟ve only got myself to blame! I remember Sammy – it was always good with him. I just texted Tony and he laughed at me again. But I‟ll get him in the end! That‟s for sure! I don‟t believe I‟m doing this shit again! I did so well without it!
I‟ve got to snap out of it! I wish I were still with Brownie! None of this shit would be happening now! No answer yet from the c…s. This is definitely going to be the last week with this shit!
Something has to give and it usually does! This should be the last time that this shit goes down! I have to get on top of it and nip it in the bud before it kills me! This shit would not……….”
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MONDAY
“What is wrong with me? I am going crazy again! I just can‟t control it! It just sneaks up on me and bang the demons are back! What can I do about it? I pray every day that it won‟t happen again! What is causing this fucking shit? Am I being punished for everything bad I have done? I wish I had a gun. I would put a bullet in my head straight up! I know I am schizo but I don‟t know what to do about it any more. It is just getting worse and worse! I know I am being punished. I hate this life! I wish I were dead! I will be one day soon – I know this for sure.
It will be such a relief not to be here! But what can I do to-day about it? The demons are with me now. I wish people knew just how bad it is when this shit happens. No-one gives a damn! They all just laugh and run me down! I need some peace. Why have I been blessed with this bullshit? I must be a really bad person. I know I have done some bad things and I reckon that this is my punishment. But how will it end? Today is the worst I‟ve had for a long time! I should have seen it coming! I‟m going to save some money, get a gun and some bare essentials and go bush up north! I‟m going to put a bullet in my head and be done with it! I can‟t take days like today much longer! I wish I had kept a record of my life over the last 10 years. People have no pity for those with a mental illness! I hope today will not sap the little confidence that I‟ve been trying to build up.
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Please, Lord, help me or put me out of my misery! I just can‟t go on! Underneath I‟m so afraid! The world is so against me in one way or another! I don‟ even know why I‟m still around! More days like today and I will succumb to the demons! I know most people will think that all this shit is just bullshit, but I would like some of these people to live in my shoes for even a couple of days. It would be so interesting to just see how they would cope mentally and emotionally! It‟s so easy for people to laugh and put shit on those who have a mental problem! I hate this fucked up life! How much more punishment can I take, or is it how much more punishment do I deserve? Please Lord, can you put me out of my misery! I know that most people would be so glad if I wasn‟t around! I feel a tiny bit relieved just writing this down. When I‟m gone maybe someone out there will see that I wasn‟t such a horrible person after all
– just a person with some bad problems. But how could they see that? They just could not or would not understand!
I‟m on the train to Caboolture now to see my Probation Officer. I don‟t want to hurt anybody else because of my fucked up head! Revenge is not sweet! I pray that tomorrow might be better! Please Lord, let tomorrow be a better day!”
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TUESDAY
“Well, where do I begin? The paranoia is back and it‟s nearly unbearable! I‟m at work and I feel that everybody here is laughing at me! I look at them and I feel sure that they are talking about me! I just feel like running away and hiding! Things are getting close to breaking point again! What‟s wrong with me? I hope and pray that things will be better tomorrow! I am trying so hard to be positive. So why can‟t Life give me a break?”
The following are a few entries Cameron made when he was staying with me at Forrest Beach. They are still sad, but a little different from the ones I had selected above.
TUESDAY JULY 4TH
“Mum‟s birthday. Put form in to Centrelink. Saw Probation Officer at Court House in Ingham. Made an appointment with Dr. Joseph at the Ingham Hospital and also one with Bernie, my Case Worker”
MONDAY JULY 10TH
“Peter, the Psychologist came out to visit me. It was a good visit and he gave me a lot of reading material to go through. Then Mitchell and I went down to the beach and kicked a soccer ball around for a while”.
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FRIDAY JULY 14TH
“We got up early and took Mitchell back to Townsville. We dropped him off and his gear at his friend, Balin‟s place. Balin‟s parents were very nice.
On the way back to Forrest Beach I was a bit sad. I always feel like that when I say goodbye to Mitchell.
We met Bruce in Ingham and went out to see the place that Mum and I are going to clean. That will be a bit of extra money for us. My mood today was sort of OK. But I was still a bit sad when we came home at first. It‟s now overcast and rainy. I got a couple of books from the library on depression which I will read in the next few days.”
“I do not seek to understand so
that I may believe,
But I believe so that I may
understand.”
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Mum‟s Reflections
When I read Cameron‟s diaries I was absolutely saddened and horrified. Then I discovered how some people had treated him over the years. For example, workmates used to get together and laugh about his mental disability and tease him unmercifully about it.
I noted also that these same workmates usually did it in a group – they certainly wouldn‟t have had the guts to do it on a one to one basis. I have no respect for these people at all.
But the people who shocked me the most were the so-called “academics” who should have known better. These people seemed to me to be all theory when it came down to helping bipolar sufferers.
They used Cameron as some sort of a weird experiment or stepping stone in order to satisfy their own selfish requirements for their studies to climb the ladder to further their ambitions in the academic field. For instance when Cameron would go to see some of these people they would ask him all sorts of questions. He would go through his problems with them and they would literally “tell him what to do.”
Of course they were always right too! Ha! Ha! They were all theory and had not one ounce of life experience. Most of them were also in their late teens and of course they knew it all! I have heard it all so many times before! “But the experts who 59
wrote books on bipolar disorder could not possibly be wrong!” Some of these people had even been given hefty grants from the Government and spent years studying facts and figures (which nobody could understand anyway.) I have coined a name for these people. I refer to them as “uneducated academics.”
I can think or a few people who did not treat Cameron well. These people were able to manipulate him when he was most vulnerable. For instance when he tried to explain his situation as he saw it to them, he was treated with scorn. There was not much compassion shown to him and they certainly knew which buttons to press to plunge him into the blackest depths of despair.
So I would like all these so-called experts and academics, as well as the non-caring people out there who had dealings with Cameron to think a little bit about what they had said and done to him. Other bipolar sufferers have told me much the same thing about their experiences with such people. I would like them to have had a little compassion and the capacity to listen. (I myself have been guilty of not listening in the past so I do know what I am talking about). But at least now I am trying to rectify my mistakes.
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Cameron‟s greatest friends were his sister, Shona and his nephew, Nick. They both showed so much understanding and tenderness when dealing with him. Of course there was a lot of tension between Cameron and Shona at times but they both ended up after each drama being the best of friends. That is how it should be with families. Nick is now studying at the Sunshine Coast University. He wants to go into the field of Psychology or Counselling. He dealt with Cameron over the years and showed a wisdom which was far beyond his years. I think Nick will go a long way and I am sure I will be right in assuming that he will not end up as just another
“uneducated academic”.
I would also like to mention Mr. Fazel Dean, (Oscar), Trustee of the Builders‟ and Labourers‟ Federation at the time Cameron was working in Brisbane. He not only helped Cameron, but he always seemed to be there with him during some bad periods at his workplace. In fact Cameron told me that “Oscar”
had saved him from going to jail once when he had been provoked by some of his workmates and the situation started to get out of hand. Cameron was a big guy with huge muscles and the guys that had picked on him very nearly ended up in hospital. But I will say this. They apologised to Cameron later because they knew that they had been in the wrong. I sincerely hope those people learned their lesson.
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Another couple of people were not so lucky and they really did end up in hospital, but they refused to lay charges. These are just some instances that people with a mental disorder have to deal with.
So Oscar, I am so grateful to you for looking after Cameron when he was working for you! Thank you so much. I will always remember you.
[Type a quote from the document or the summary of an interesting point. You can position the text box anywhere in the document. Use the Text Box Tools tab to change the formatting of the pull quote text box.]
“To those who are distressed and
tossed about by the storms of life I
am an anchor sure and steady”
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Opinions/Decision Makers
My book would not be complete without talking about the Department of Mental Health and how it affected Cameron when he was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Up until this time Cameron had been in full employment. But then things started to go radically wrong in his life.
First of all he and his wife were in the process of getting a divorce. This in itself was very distressing for him – in fact going through a divorce is always a painful experience for anyone. Consequently, his work suffered and he had no alternative but to leave his job. This made him eligible for the dole, but seeing that he was so ill, he was placed on Sickness Benefits.
I can imagine how Cameron felt! He had worked in the construction field all his life and had never been unemployed. He told me many times how degraded and worthless he felt, but he did realise that if he wanted to return to full time employment he would have to get help. At first he tried going to different doctors, but mostly they did not do him any good.
Different doctors prescribed different medication for him. This brought only temporary relief, and I think that gradually Cameron learned to rely too much on medication. Also most of the different medication he 63
was prescribed often took weeks to kick into his system.
He was also drinking heavily at the time and taking drugs. This caused his moods to change abnormally.
One minute he was up in the air experiencing enormous highs. He would just keep on talking nonstop about anything and everything. He did not even pause for breath. The next minute he would plunge into the very lowest depths of despair, and he would walk around muttering to himself and not taking any notice of anybody. These moods always seemed to make him feel worse later.
At this stage he did try to work, but each job he had, some of his workmates – when they knew he had a mental problem – were very unkind to him, and Cameron was continually getting into fights because of this. When he was younger he was taught boxing and martial arts and he had always been very fit. As he grew older he used to jog, go to the gym and practise weights and bodybuilding and so, even with his bipolar disorder, he was in top physical condition.
He even put a few of his tormentors in hospital, but he was never charged over this as 9 times out of 10
Cameron was not the instigator of the trouble. In fact some of his workmates even apologised to him, because they knew they had been in the wrong. This was a real plus in his favour.
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When Cameron felt good about himself he would often go completely off his medication. Of course this was not a good thing. These periods would only last for a short time and then it would be back to square one. This pattern of his life went on for quite some time until he was referred to the Department of Mental Health.
One of the first counsellors he saw from this Department was a young girl, who was about eighteen or nineteen years of age. Apparently she was attending university and was half way towards a degree. (I do not know what sort of a degree she was studying for, and I really do not know why she was put in the position of Counsellor). Perhaps the Department was short staffed at this particular time.
Who knows?
The advice she gave Cameron seemed to me to be most inappropriat