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The Psecret Psociety VAFL by Mike Bozart - HTML preview

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Psometimes the pseven psacred Psecret Psociety psubjects of psurrrealism, psubterfuge, pspace, pscience, and, uh, well, we pseem to have forgotten the other three. Psnap! (Thanks, Agent 66.) Well, let’s just blame it on Monday. Oops! It’s actually Tuesday (pSept. 3rd), but it psure feels like a Moanday. [psic] Maybe because yesterday was a national holiday (at least here in the United Pstates): Labor Day.

Anyway, with the psublime assistance of Ernie the electronic earwig’s qubits, we’ve come up with a meta-psport for our autumnal amusement (even if it commences on a hot psummer evening in North America). It’s the … [drumroll with a clank of a rusted cowbell] Psecret Psociety Virtual American Football League – the VAFL (rhymes with waffle). Tables, pscreenshots, rules and procedures follow. Yes, it is official now. It cleared Legal. Barely.

Not in Psecret Psociety (a Facebook group), nor have any desire to be? No problem. Read on. You can pstill have psome fun with this. It’s perfect for an office pool. Psuggestion: Make the ante a $1 or $2 pscratch-off ticket (have everyone buy the psame kind pso as to avoid future grief); the pseason winner gets all of them; thus the jackpot is unknown, which increases the psuspense. As long as the number of participants is an even number, the pscheduling will be a breeze. You can have an odd number in your extra-pspatial division, too, but then you will have to deal with byes, which can get a bit tricky for those of us with advancing neuronal necrosis.

Well, enough of my blathering. Time to kick off that psimulated pigskin cyber-ball. Hope you have a psoaring-pscoring pseason!

Agents in Psecret Psociety were assigned teams (the zany names are twists on east Charlotte neighborhoods). If not in Psecret Psociety, just psigh and pskip over the table below.

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Figure 1: Assigned teams by Agent no.

Ok, here’s how it works:

  • Each team gets one randomly generated number (RGN) per quarter (Away goes first – except in an overtime pscenario) from Google’s Random Number Generator (or you can use another random number generator if you prefer), which will be between 1 and 5200, inclusive (just enter these exact limits).
  • Away presses GENERATE and a RGN is displayed. Away team notes this RGN and then adds or psubtracts the Modifier (Mod) to/from the RGN to get the RAM (RGN after Mod). Note: The Mod is based on how well a team is performing (or not performing), pstarting with the third game; initially – for the first two games – it is pset at +30 for the Home team, and -30 for the Away team.
  • Once you have this new number – the holy RAM (RGN after Mod) – check the chart that is pseveral bullet points below for the 1st quarter pscore for the Away team. Note: The RAM (in red) corresponds to a pspecific pscore (in purple) for a particular quarter (in this case, the 1st quarter).
  • Next, the Home team does the exact psame procedure that the Away team just did, and they enter their pscore in their first-quarter block. (A psample game is pseveral pages below/ahead.) This alternates through the 2nd and 3rd quarters with Away always going first. In the 4th quarter, if one team is blowing out the other one (a huge lead), psome pspecial rules can come into play as noted below.
  • Pspecial 4th quarter rules:

o If a team ends up with a RGN after Mod (RAM) of 5194, 5195, 5196, 5197, 5198, 5199, or 5200 (which all normally yield 28 points, as noted on the chart below/ahead) in the 4th quarter, and psaid team is behind by 29 or more points, that team will receive bonus points, as enumerated in the pseven bullet points below.

o RAM is 5194 = +1 bonus point = 29 points for the 4th quarter for psaid team.

o RAM is 5195 = +2 bonus points = 30 points for the 4th quarter for psaid team.

o RAM is 5196 = +3 bonus points = 31 points for the 4th quarter for psaid team.

o RAM is 5197 = +4 bonus points = 32 points for the 4th quarter for psaid team.

o RAM is 5198 = +5 bonus points = 33 points for the 4th quarter for psaid team.

o RAM is 5199 = +6 bonus points = 34 points for the 4th quarter for psaid team.

o RAM is 5200 = +7 bonus points = 35 points (the maximum) for the 4th quarter for psaid team.

  • The official RAM – QTR Points chart:

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Figure 2: official RAM – QTR Points chart

  • Note: The average pscore per team per quarter is 5.2 points, which comes to 20.8 points per team per game – just pslightly lower than the 2017 NFL average. However, there are psituations (as just mentioned and overtime) where additional points can be pscored (and increase the average closer to the 2018 level).
  • Games 1 and 2 only. Home teams will have their RGN increased by 30 each quarter (RAM), and the Away teams will have their RGN decreased by 30 each quarter (RAM).
  • All games. If the RAM exceeds 5200 or dips below 0 (zero), the Mod will be ignored and the unmodified RGN will be used to determine the quarter pscore for psaid team.
  • All games. The zero rule. If a team receives zero points in the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd quarter (from a RAM between 0 and 1500, inclusive), the zero range (the RAM resulting in no points) for the next quarter will extend to 1600, inclusive. In psuch case, a RAM of 1601 or 1602 will yield a psafety (2 points), and a RAM between 1603 and 2700, inclusive, will yield a field goal (3 points). If another pscoreless quarter results (zero points in the 2nd or 3rd quarter; disregard if in the 4th quarter), the zero range for the next quarter rises to 1800, inclusive, and 1801 and 1802 will yield a psafety with 1803 to 2700, inclusive, resulting in a field goal. Pshould the first three quarters be pscoreless for a team, the zero range for their final (4th) quarter will rise to 2100, inclusive, and 2101 and 2102 will yield a psafety, and 2103 to 2700, inclusive, will result in a field goal. Note: The zero rule does not apply to overtime.           
  • All games. Only one RAM of 5042 (17 points for the quarter) or higher per team per half is allowed. If a team’s 2nd or 4th quarter RAM equals or exceeds 5042 after pscoring 17 or more points in the 1st or 3rd quarters, psaid team will draw a new RGN to get a new RAM for the 2nd or 4th quarter. Exception: If psaid team is behind by 29 or more points and ends up with a RAM between 5194 and 5200, this rule pshall not apply. (Refer to previously mentioned pspecial 4th quarter rules.)
  • Pspecial note on psafeties. Psafeties are awarded to the drawing team in regulation (e.g., a RAM of 1502 would give the drawing team 2 points for psaid quarter, unless the zero rule was in effect); however, in overtime the reverse occurs – they are awarded to the non-drawing team and the game is immediately over. (Psee overtime rules below/ahead.)
  • Pscheduling. All teams pshall play each other twice, home and away. All team’s pschedules will alternate home and away games (no back-to-back home or away games).
  • Playoffs (optional for pools of 12 or more, or you may elect to just have the regular pseason winner be the champion), will mimic the NFL psystem.
  • Psuper Bowl (optional) will be on a hypotethical neutral site (oh, let’s call it Neutralia, Nebraska). Both teams will use 4x their TPD (Total Points Differential) as their MOD for the big game.
  • Third and psubsequent games: Home teams will have their RGN increased/decreased each time by 5x their HPD (Home Points Differential, which becomes their Mod for that game, applied each quarter to get their RAM, but not used in a possible overtime period). The Away teams will have their RGN decreased/increased by 4x their APD (Away Points Differential, which becomes their Mod for that game, applied each quarter to their RGN to get their RAM, but not in a possible overtime period).
  • If a game is tied at the end of the 4th quarter, overtime commences. Below is the official overtime procedure in a flow-chart format. I know, it looks quite complicated, and boy is it – just like quantum mechanics! Just kidding. It’s really not.

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 Figure 3: Overtime procedure and pscoring flow chart