The Pitcairn Perspectives by Philip Spires - HTML preview

Edward Pitcairn on the telephone

 

Call connected from number withheld at 10:07, data can be supplied on request.

 

Automated message: thank you for calling the department of work and pensions. For training purposes, this call may be recorded. Please have on hand your personal details and documents relating to your claim, if you have one. We advise that you should have your social security number, full name and address, bank details and reference numbers from communications relating to your current claims under universal benefit.

I will give you a list of options. Please choose the option most relevant to your call by pressing the relevant number on your telephone’s keypad. Press one for queries about existing claims. Press two if you are a customer making a new claim. Press three for general enquiries. Press four if your query is related to accessibility, disability or mobility issues. Press star for anything else.

2

Thank you for contacting the department of work and pensions. For training purposes, this call may be recorded. Please select from the following options. Press one if your new claim relates to jobseeker’s allowance. Press two if it relates to any other benefit.

1

Thank you for contacting the department of work and pensions. For training purposes your call may be recorded. Press one if you have already submitted the details of your new claim. Press two if this is a wholly new claim.

2

About 10 minutes of music playing on a loop. Edward Pitcairn was recorded as mumbling, “Why do they record this stuff through wet biscuits in a bathroom?” He almost hung up several times, but he reminded himself out loud each time that he had to see it through. There was a telling click of a connection, followed by a short ring tone.

Hello my name is Mike. Can I start by taking your name?

Pitcairn. Edward Pitcairn.

Thank you. And your social security number?

I don’t have that… I am… I’m calling on behalf of someone else. It’s my granddaughter…

Mr. Pitcairn, I’m sorry…

It’s professor, actually. Professor Pitcairn.

Sorry, Professor Pitcairn, I am not allowed to deal with representatives when registering a new claim. If your granddaughter is unable to make the claim for herself, please choose the accessibility option from the main menu. They will take your granddaughter’s details and if she has a mobility issue or a learning issue, you will be able to register as a representative. Alternatively, your granddaughter can contact us directly, either to make a claim or register you as a representative. Is your granddaughter there now? Could I possibly speak to her?

No. I mean yes. No. She’s here, but she doesn’t know I’m making this call on her behalf. She is, how can I put it, resistant to the idea.

To what idea, sir?

To the idea of claiming benefits.

If your granddaughter does not want to make a claim, I think it is her business, Sir. I think you or her would be better talking to general enquiries, Professor Pitcairn. I am…

Look, sorry, Mike, wasn’t it? Mike, I am sure that if I get the right person, I will be able to…

Please contact general enquiries or you can go to our website at www.claims.gov.uk for explanatory notes and details of how to apply. You can even download the necessary forms, fill them in and send them by surface mail, if you wish. Can I help you with anything else this morning?

I will try again.

You have a good day, sir.

Call connected from number withheld, 10:42, data can be supplied on request.

Automated message: thank you for calling the department of work and pensions. For training purposes, this call may be recorded. Please have on hand your personal details and documents relating to your claim, if you have one. We advise that you should have your social security number, full name and address, bank details and reference numbers from communications relating to your current claims under universal benefit.

I will give you a list of options. Please choose the option most relevant to your call by pressing the relevant number on your telephone’s keypad. Press one for queries about existing claims. Press two if you are a customer making a new claim. Press three for general enquiries. Press four if your query is related to accessibility, disability or mobility issues. Press star for anything else.

3

Welcome to the general enquiries menu. Press one for enquiries about universal credit. Press two for enquiries about a payment or payments. Press three if your enquiry is of a general nature and not related to a claim.

3

Approximately 15 minutes of looped music. “More fucking biscuits and bathrooms…”

Good morning, Shakira speaking. May I know who is calling please?

Pitcairn, Edward Pitcairn. I am writing on behalf… I mean calling, calling on behalf…

And how can I help you this morning Mr. Pitkin?

Professor. Professor Pitcairn, not Pitkin…

Thank you, Mr. Pitcairn. Professor Pitcairn, how can I help you this morning?

I’m calling on behalf of my granddaughter…

I’m sorry, Professor Pitcairn, I am not authorized to discuss cases or personal information with third parties…

I’m not a third party. I’m her grandfather.

Just to be clear… I am not authorized to discuss cases or personal information with third parties, unless that third party is the official representative of the applicant. Can I ask you to speak to the mobility and accessibility people first?

Can I ask a question?

Of course, sir.

Am I actually speaking to the benefit office for Islington?

Your call is being handled by a central call handling facility, Sir. I and my colleagues can handle general enquiries about benefits. If your enquiry relates to someone resident in Islington, then I can handle that query for you. Where I work does not affect my ability to handle your query.

I was hoping to speak to someone in the Islington office.

I think you will find that all general enquiries can and will be directed to the centralised call handling system, Sir. If you want to contact a specific office, then please obtain the number from their own contact page or from the list of contacts on your local authority’s website.

I want to speak to a particular officer…

That would not be a normal procedure for a general enquiry, Sir.

I was rather hoping that…

Excuse me, Sir. Is the person you want to contact handling an existing claim for you? If so, then please just give me the reference number and I will be able to check its status.

No, there is no existing claim. In fact, there is no claim at all at the moment. I wanted to speak to a particular benefits clerk…

That is not normal practice, Sir. Is the matter of a personal nature?

No. Well, yes. It’s to do with my granddaughter. She’s lost her job.

Can you please redial and contact the new claims area of jobseeker’s allowance, Sir?

Look, I am trying to contact a clerk called Sullivan, Geoff Sullivan…

Do you know which office he works in?

No. I assume it’s Islington.

Is he a friend of yours?

Yes, I suppose he is.

Is the matter personal or of an emergency nature?

Emergency nature, nature emergency…

Sorry?

Just thinking out loud… It’s not really personal. It’s about my granddaughter. She’s lost her job.

As I said earlier, Sir. Please contact the new claims area of jobseeker’s allowance…

Yes, I know. I just need to speak to Geoff Sullivan.

This does sound like a situation that would be better addressed locally, Sir. Can I suggest you contact your local council and enquire there? If the person you are looking for works for the local council, they will know how to contact him. If this is a personal matter, then I can say for definite that you would be better ringing your friend direct on his private number. Will that be all?

I suppose it is.

Have a good day, Sir.

Incoming call, 11:27 AM, number withheld, details on application.

Welcome to Islington! We hope to serve the community, inclusively, without discrimination of any form. Islington Council is an inclusive employer, committed to policies of equality and inclusivity regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation or religious affiliation. We promote fair employment practices, offer our employees at least a living wage and reject all forms of workplace discrimination.

You have contacted the number for general enquiries. Please note that your call may be recorded for training purposes. If your enquiry is about housing, press one. If it is related to health, press two. If it is related to family credit, press three. If it relates to education, press four. If it relates to arts and culture, press five. If it relates to the environment, water supply or waste disposal, press six. For transport issues, press seven. For mobility or accessibility issues, press eight or anything else, press star.

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Approximately 41 minutes of recorded music. “Wet towels being stretched around crushed violins…”

Good morning, thank you for holding. You’re through to Wendy. Can I take your name please?

Pitcairn. Edward Pitcairn.

Good morning, Mr. Pitkin. How can I help you today?

It’s professor. Professor Pitcairn. Professor Edward Pitcairn. Pitcairn, not Pitkin.

How can I help?

I am ringing on behalf of my granddaughter who has just lost her job…

I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t handle enquiries about jobseeker’s allowance on this number. This is a general enquiries number.

Sorry… Sorry… It is about my granddaughter, but I am also trying to contact a particular clerk who works for the council. He’s called Geoff Sullivan. He’s a benefits clerk.

I’m sorry, sir. It’s not our policy to connect general enquiries to particular employees. In any case, I have no access to employee data. I could not tell you even if I wanted who works for the council or who does not work for the council. Is the query personal?

No, not really… Well, it is, I suppose.

Can I suggest you contact the person direct, using a personal number?

I have left a message on his phone, but I wanted to contact him at work. That’s why I’m ringing the council. He works for the council as a benefits clerk.

I must point out, sir, that some of the general administration of benefit claims may be handled by staff from contracted-out agencies.

But how could I find out who he worked for?

Is he your friend?

Yes…

Could I suggest you just ask him?

I suppose you could suggest it. I doubt he’d answer.

Professor Pitkin, I think I can’t answer your query.

I’m sorry. Pitcairn. Edward Pitcairn. Sorry to have wasted your time.