SIXTY
“It seems you are meetingthis guy often,” Esha told Maya as she recounted her meetings with Nimesh.
“He's a nice guy,” she said.
“I'm sure he is. Are you in love with him?”
“Why do you ask so?” she queried. 'Well... I'm not in love with him. But I like to spend time with him,” she said.
It was a Sunday afternoon and Esha stepped back after some shopping “What have you thought about yourself and Vikram?” she asked. “You have to decide, Maya. You have just managed to get rid of a stalker and now you're meeting this younger guy almost every other day. It's going to complicate things, Maya!”
“Let's see. Care to have some Maggie?” Maya asked her avoiding the seriousness in her tone. “Yeah, sure.”
Maya went to the kitchen and boiled two cups of water. As she looked at the small bubbles popping due to heat her thoughts followed the pattern. She wondered how everything has a boiling point and a melting point. Every atom and molecule has a threshold. The threshold of pain and the threshold of pleasure. Perhaps this is the boiling point that we need to cross over to get to the next dimension.
As they snuggled in with their bowls of soupy Maggie, Esha again took her case. “Maya, what have you thought about your future?”
“I don't know Esha. I just like to do crazy things with Nimesh. I can't understand why you are overreacting.” She was sounding irritated. “I wasn't talking about Nimesh,” Esha said. After a small pause Esha took a deep sigh and continued.
“Maya you are a nice girl. Don't do anything that would mislead him or hurt you.”
Oh Esha!Relax, you tell me what's with your love life?” she asked Esha, changing the topic.
“Hardly anything. I'm preparing to go to Italy. In fact, I went shopping today to get some good corporate wear. “Are you keen on going to Italy, Esha?”
“I am not desperate, but I deserve it. I've earned it,” she said defensively.
She got up to put the bowls in the sink. Before she could come back the phone rang. Nemo blinked on it as it lay right next to Esha. Both the girls exchanged glances. Maya took the phone and went to the balcony.
“Can I come over to your home?” he asked.
“Are you crazy?” she said.
“Why? Do only crazy people come to your place?”
“Don't be silly. What's it about?”
“Okay, can you come to the basement? I want to give you something.”
By the time she changed dress and went down to the basement, he was already there. He must have called from someplace nearby. She looked childishly cute in her high tied pony tail and blue shorts.
He took out a big brown envelope from his bag and handed it over to her.
“What's this?” It was a photograph of her that he had converted into a poster. She looked stunning.
But when he took her photograph, she asked.
“I took it the other day with my camera,” he smirked.
“This is beautiful,” she said, not without vanity.
“You are, too!” he said, simply. “Maya…I ..I .. I … am falling in love with you.”
Don't do anything that would mislead him. She heard Esha's voice.
“Nimesh. We are only friends. Please get that straight into your head. I like you around me and that's about it. I have someone else in my life.” She spoke in one breath. He just smiled back in answer.
“No Problem. What's the harm in trying my luck?” He chuckled.
They laughed and joked for a few minutes before he left.
He parked his bike and started walking towards his apartment. The sun was setting and a faint red colour was covering the sky. He thought about the loneliness he felt at times. He threw himself on his couch and lied there for some time before he drifted into sleep.
“How long are you going to sleep today?” he felt his mother moving her fingers through his hair.
“I have slept for long, is it ma?”
“Are you okay, dear. Is there anything bothering you?” she asked him.
“Nothing,” he felt a little awkward.
“I am your mother. Won't you tell me?”
He leaned forward to rest his head in her lap. She moved her fingers through his hair.
“Why don't life happen as we plan it mom?”
She kept moving her fingers.
“It wouldn't be so exciting then,” she smiled.
“Why does it hurt?”
“It hurts because the reality often does not match up to our expectations. Hence we start blaming ourselves and everything around and get gripped by a feeling of loss.”
She paused for a second and then continued,“You know what else,” she further continued, “the problem is we take life too seriously. We forget that we are just here for some time. I used to fight with your father over petty things. Only when it was too late, I realised that all hurt and pain are associated with situations that involve other people or experiences. All these situations are only there till they are alive. When anyone dies no matter how harsh we might feel towards them it all ends. When someone is dead, we feel no anger towards them. All hurt that comes through them is gone. Our ego is burst and we have no one to vent out the frustration. It is the experiences we are angry about not the people.”
“What if someone is not dead? What if I love someone alive who does not love me at all.” There was a pause again.
“My dear. Love cannot depend on any particular person. Like I said, it is about the experience and not the human being itself. If one person is unable to reciprocate it should not matter so much. How many times the sun tells the earth that she owes him. If you love someone and she does not love you back,it's okay. I know it is easily said than done. I know it will break your heart. I know it will pain, but I also know through my experiences of life that it will be okay. Believe me nothing in this universe is permanent. No pain. No joy. Nothing is everlasting enough to cause you to feel the same always. Flow with the wind. Follow your heart. See where life takes you. What all it shows you. Pain is just a part of it. Remember there can be no day without night. There can be no learning without moving on. There can be no pleasure without pain. Don't worry. It will be okay.”
“Why does it cause frustration mom?”
“Ego,it is ;our ego baby. It forces us to feel extremely important. It does not let us loose and let go easily. We need to work on our alter ego. I learnt this the hard way. Believe me. We need to learn to let go.” He got up and settled on his computer table.
“What if I tell you I am in love with a woman your age?” Nemo knew he was exaggerating, but he wanted to test her mother's patience.
Knowingly or unknowingly, children make worship idolsout of their parents. Parents become people who can never commit mistakes. Then as we grow, this image becomes more of a human to us. Hence begins the phase where both parent and the child start challenging each other.
“I would not appreciate it,” she answered in a little concerned tone.
“Why?” he asked.
“There are certain norms which need to be followed. At every age there is a given understanding. You are young right now. A woman of my age can easily exploit or manipulate you.” She was protective of him.
“Do you manipulate me?”
“I am your mother Nemo.”
“You are a woman too,” he still did not meet her gaze “What do you mean by that?” she snapped.
“Nothing. You said it is easy for a woman your age to exploit me. Didn't you?” he knew he was being slightly unreasonable.
“I can, but I don't. I am your mother. I love you.”
“Is it only because you love me that you don't exploit me” he asked her.
She did not know what to say. She could not gather where the discussion was moving towards. “Of course I love you” she said.
“Then why anyone else who loves me would exploit me” he started scribbling on his note pad waiting for her answer.
“How would you know that she loves you?” she was getting irritated by the pointless discussion and the fact that she seemed to be losing ground to her son.
“How would you know if anyone loves you?” his scribbling was getting symmetric in some fashion.
She was quiet. She didn't know how to answer that question. Love never seemed to touch her. She had been in a troubled marriage and then in troubled relationships till they all seized to be, one fine day. Off late the only thing that was there in her life was loads of money and her son. Her husband had left her money she could roll day in and day out. She had spent some of it on her boyfriends when young. She didn't know how to figure out what love is. She was not even sure whether there was anything called love.
“Tell me,” he repeated.
“You can sense it,” she gave the most obvious answer.
“There's no thumb rule then,” he smiled.
They were quiet.
“All I know is that you have to be practical Nemo. There are women who would like you for your money. You are too naïve.”
“I have touched love,” he interrupted her before she could speak further. “Love is loneliness. Love is a mystery we all are trying to run after. The fact is that it is not possible to solve love. No one can love us more than ourselves. We have to drench in the wonders of loneliness to find out love. To become lonely is the only way to find ourselves. Since it makes us feel sad and suffer and that is when love touches us and takes us into the deep seas of pleasure. Love is within. Pain becomes pleasure in love. Love is vast. It engulfs and then everything seizes. All pain ends. All pleasure vanishes. It's just the bliss.”
His mother was dumbstruck. She did not know what he was talking. She was worried for her son. She wondered who he was meeting and what he was up to.
“It's all one big illusion, Nemo, and that too momentary” she said very slowly.