FIFTY FIVE
Vikram called her next day. He wanted to see her before he left for Delhi. They planned to meet in Mainland China, a popular Chinese eating joint. Vikram loved to eat and he knew Maya liked Chinese. The place was beautiful with Chinese dragons embossed on the walls. The people serving were all dressed in Chinese dresses and chopsticks were displayed on every table.
He had chosen a corner table and both of them sat down, opposite each other.
“I will miss you!” she said.
“I'm always there for you,” he said.
“I meant physically!” she said, blushing.
“I will come back.”
“Hmmm.”
The waiter served them hakka noodles and fish.
“Kartik texted me yesterday. He said he is missing me,” she said Vikram's expression didn't change, “Do you miss him?” he asked her.
“I don't miss him. I think I am habituated to this. There is a comfort zone even if we are away from each other. I do think I am being unfair on both of us,” her pink lips pressed against each other. “Do you want to go back to him?” Vikram asked her.
She took a bite from her plate and tried to think hard before answering.
“Listen to your heart.”
She took a deep breath. “No, I don't want to go back. I still love him and will always do. He has been a part of my life and nothing can take that fact away. I feel guilty of not being able to be a good wife. At the same time my heart refuses to forget that he didn't love me the way I did. I feel cheated and humiliated.”
“Humiliation comes when you let yourself humiliated, Maya. No one can humiliate you unless you allow them to do so. Dont let anyone else judge you.”
“I want to forget all that, but there is a strange anger,” she complained.
“Residual emotions are even more dangerous than the actual ones. Just as actual hatred is less harmful than residual and latent hatred. Latent emotions have a strong ability to destroy from the inside.”
“I think he knows I talk to you and that I had stupid affair with Raghu! He had hinted me about reading a few e mails.”
“The first step in self-realisation, Maya, is to face oneself. You must stand up to yourself and be honest and fearless. Our problem is we fear too much and in the process lose the joy of fighting for and following our dreams. Who is Kartik to pass judgement? You made your mistakes, he made his. It ends there. Will blaming change anything?”
“You are right. It won't.”
“Find what you want to do and go do it. The problem is we don't take risks because we fear too much about failing. What if we just succeed?” He paid the bill and they walked out of the restaurant.
“Don't worry Maya. Let time guide you. Just follow your heart. Be a warrior in life. Know that not fightingbrings a certain kind of stagnation. It is a false stability, the stability of inaction. That's not the kind of stability that will make us happy,” he said.
He smiled as he took leave, staring into those big, black eyes of hers. I could drown in them, he thought.