FIFTY THREE
Vikram was coming for dinner to her flat tonight. Though the thought of Raghu stalking her was killing her, still she gathered courage to invite Vikram over. She had a shower after she reached home from work and slipped into a blood red, flowery evening dress. She applied kohl on her big eyes to make them even bigger. A little gloss on her lips and she was ready to greet him.
As there was no dining table she had spread a mat on the floor. She didn't want to face the hassle of cooking, so she ordered a meal from a nearby takeaway joint. But she was getting impatient, waiting for him. At last, the bell rang. She looked serene, he thought. She blushed as he gazed at her.
“You look tired,” she exclaimed.
“I am.”
“How do I look?” she couldn't help asking.
“Pretty as ever,” he said, kissing her on the cheek.
She blushed and pulled away from him. “Would you like some wine?”
“I'd love it!” he replied. “Where are your friends tonight?”
“They'll be late. Both are out fordinner dates,” she told him.
They talked about various topics over the wine, refilling it every time there glasses got over. The wine and Vikram both were intoxicating. She was even comfortable with the silence in between them.
He got up and came and sat next to her. He put his arm around her shoulders, and asked her to close her eyes.
“Are you trying one of your rituals with me?” she asked.
“Close your eyes and just think only of the two of us,” he said.
“Imagine you are walking down some steps. I'm walking behind, but you keep going. It is dark out there and you're not sure where the steps lead you. But you keep going down them anyway. Don't get worried or scared. Keep going down and find what you want to,” he said.
Doing as he said, she slowly went into a daze. She imagined herself going down a steep spiral staircase. She arrived at a meadow, and there was an angelic woman there looking at her.
'“Hi! I want to speak to you,” the woman seemed to say.
“Who are you?” Maya asked.
“I am love. I am the source where you all originate from. I am the miracle. I am the beginning. I am the blue in the sky and the green in the earth,” she smiled.
“You are the one for which this whole world is running around?”
“Very few can find me,” she said, her face radiating with the calm that full knowledge brought.
“Why do you hide from them?” Maya asked.
“They don't know what they want. Like you, they too are confused. Most of the people have mixed me with other emotions. All emotions arise from me, but I am not an emotion. I am the supreme. I am in the mother whose heart beats forher child. I live in the sister who prays for her brother. I am the friend who comes to you, when in need. I am everywhere, but you need to find me. I am eternal yet I am not forever. It takes longing to find me. I never deprive anyone who opens their heart to me. I never oblige anyone who does not seek me. I am all and everything yet I am found in nothingness.”
“Then why do you giveso much pain and keep quiet about it?” Maya asked.
“I heal. Pain is part of me, but I am not pain. Pain comes by partially knowing me. There is no pain where I am not there. There is no pain where I am completely there.”
Behind the woman, Maya glimpsed branches of trees blowing in the wind. She spotted a woman walking between the trees.
“Why is it so difficult to find you?”
To find me one needs to move beyond jealousy, beyond judging others. Emotions trap you. Once you find me you need no one else. You must want to forgive. Wanting to forgive the past and move on is the biggest step you take towards me. You have tried to forgive people and not judge them. Only I can heal the grudges you carry in your heart. Grudges take you far away from me.”
“Who is she?” she pointed at the other woman.
“She is the body. She generates the impulses of pleasure. She lives for a moment. Everyone wants her, but the problem is that she can't stay at one place for long. She is frivolous by nature. She works best when she follows me. She has often been mistaken for me as she resembles me.”
“Why don't you be with her all the time then?”
“I can't. She does not want me to be there. Like I said, people mistake her for me often. They think I am her. They stop looking for me once they find her. I cannot oblige anyone who does not seek me,” she smiled.
“Aren't you very complicated,” Maya exclaimed.
“I am the simplest. I am inside everyone, whether they realise it or not. To decipher me all you have to do is forgive easily and stop judging. For me there are no rules as such. Come, let me touch you,” she said, putting her hand on Maya's heart.
Maya slowly opened her eyes.
“How are you feeling now?” asked Vikram. Maya shook her head, not sure whether Vikram was part of the vision she just now had. Vikram smiled. He knew that going down the steps ritual makes us reach our subconscious. All the answers to every possible question lie in our subconscious. She had the sudden feeling that she had found a box which would have answers to anything she wanted to know. Anything!
“What did she tell you?” Vikram said, coming to her and playing with her hair.
“She told me weird things. She said no one can reach her until they do away with their grudges,”she wondered how he knew what she saw.
“Do you have any?”
“No, not now. I used to have grudges against my stepmother. Against Kartik. Against my mother for killing herself.”
“Forgive them, Maya. We walk through this life to learn from our experiences and grow wiser. Sadly, we get trapped in insignificant things and start keeping grudges. They pull us back. As spirits we are far away from these human emotions. We form relationships only when we are mortals. As spirits we are disconnected and connected with the entire universe at the same time.
We learn, experience, gather our lessons and move on to next dimension. Sometimes we learn them quickly. Other times we might have to go back to the lower dimensions to learn some leftover lessons of pain, joy and suffering.”
Maya found his explanation too complicated to understand.
“My relationship with Kartik broke my heart in a way that no one will ever understand,” she complained.
“It takes two to make or break, Maya!”
“I know it takes two. I'm not blaming Kartik alone. I too helped screw it up,” she said.
He patted her head and holding her by the shoulders, gently laid her down on the mat. He looked at her, his eyes full of love.
“Let's make love!” he declared.
He kissed her gently. An electric charge ran through her body.
Slowly, he undressed her.
“Do you have candles here?” he asked.
“On the kitchen slab,” she replied.
He got up and fetched five candles. These he placed around the mat and lighted. He took a small bottle from his trouser pocket and sprayed a perfume that sent tingles up her spine.
Swiflty, Vikram took off his own clothes. Her legs were spread wide. He came upon her slowly just keeping as much distance so that the bodies didn't touch. She was shivering. Her hands went around him to pull him down, but he didn't let her. He kissed her passionately, though. She craved for his touch, but at the same time felt immense love for her own body and for her own existence. In that instance she saw her mom smiling at her. She could see a joy in her smile. She smiled back as if in a state of dream and forgave her. She felt as if she took off some burden. She remembered her vision with the lady, love. She had said that she is everyone and everyone is her. She realizsd the importance of forgiveness. Since the same love connected all of us it should be easy to forgive and do away with unnecessary burdens we carry all our lives.
“I'll teach you a ritual today. It will proclaim my love for you, Maya,”he whispered.
“You love me?” she managed to whisper.
“More than anything else in this life right now.”
He went quiet and started chanting. After a few minutes he stopped chanting and opened his eyes.
“Connect with me,” he told her. “I am the God and you are the Goddess of love. We will become one today. We will be one with the universe. He kissed her again. Her eyes were closed, but she saw various shades of light.
She felt as if she was floating. His lips were warm on hers. He kissed her pain away. She was lost in his mouth. The bed seemed to have disappeared from beneath. He kissed her neck. The kiss melted through the neck creating shivers in her back and thighs. She was breathing hard. His hands moved on her body as if they were cleansing her. He entered her. She let out a deep breath. The matter and anti-matter united. She felt as if she transformed into an extension of his body. Their souls merged within each other and became one. They don't remember for how long they kissed each other till he finally flowed inside her. Maya screamed out of passion. The room echoed to love. He kissed her again. This time it was gentler and softer. He kissed her forehead.
“I want to thank you. You the woman who helped me to receive this abundant pleasure and feel the immense love, the universe has in store for us. I want to thank you the omnipresent and all-powerful woman. You are the one I love.”
She woke up wondering about how she slipped into a deep state of sleep. She felt tears in her eyes. A deep sense of warmth andlove enveloped her. Vikram was lying next to her. His eyes fixed on her face. And they caressed and clasped each other.