THIRTY THREE
Next morning she was cleaning the house when her phone rang. It was Kartik.
“Yes,” she said, disinterestedly.
“Where are you, Maya? I'm worried.”
“You are? Is that why you are calling now after so many days?”
“I thought you would call me back. Besides, I tried to reach you, but your phone was switched off.” That's possible, for she used to switch off her phone when Raghu was around. He did not like her friends calling her.
“Are you listening to me?” she heard Kartik saying.
“Yes!”
“Maya, we need to talk.”
“What is there to talk about?”
“You don't have to be so rude!”
“As if you have always been polite to me. ”
“What is the problem with you? What is it you want?” he continued.
“What do you want?” she countered.
“Why do you answer by questioningmy questions? Can't you answer a simple question?”
Well, this wasn't a simple question, it was a million dollar one, she thought.
“As for answering your question, there's nothing I want.
There's certainly nothing I want from you,” she said.
Kartik sighed. “Why don't we get the divorce papers ready?”
Maya didn't know what to say.
“Who's preventing you?” she retaliated.
“Come on, Maya, we need to discuss and sort things out.”
“Sort things out? What's that supposed to mean? You didn't care for me when I was with you, so what the hell there to sort out now?”
“As if you cared for me?” he said. The conversation was going nowhere.
“You will never be out of complaints Maya,” he said irritatigly.
“You will never understand Kartik. I have dreams, needs. I need to be loved. I need to discover myself.”
“It's all about you and no one else. Anyways,” she heard Kartik saying. “There is no use fighting. Tell me what you want.”
“I want nothing.”
“Where are you?”
“In Mumbai.”
She heard him sigh over the phone.
“You did not even bother to let me know.”
“As if it matters.”
“Where in Mumbai?”
“With a friend.”
“You have no friend that I know of in Mumbai.”
“You don't know all my friends, right.”
“I know you are lying to me as usual.”
“I'm not.” She couldn't tell him that she was living in Aditya's flat. She knew he hated Aditya.
“Maya, all I can say is that you have to decide and let me know. It's alright if you don't want to stay with me, but I need to know.”
“I know that, Kartik. I know that it does not matter to you. You don't care. Anway, I'll let you know once I decide,” she disconnected the phone. What's the point of such conversations, she wondered.
She would have run back to him if he had asked. But he wouldn't ask, his ego would not let him, and she could not go without being called. Not that this thing with Raghu was working out well, either.
She glanced outside the kitchen window, at the cemetery further on that had scared her a bit when she first moved into the apartment. Now, it did not seem to matter. Could the dead feel, she wondered, uselessly.
She picked her phone and dialled Vikram. It had been some time since they talked. She seemed to need his calming influence again.
“Where have you been?” Vikram sounded a little worried.
“Mumbai.”
“I know that.But you didn't call me. I was thinking of you.”
“Were you?” She didn't expect him to admit that.
“Shouldn't I? “
She smiled to herself. She always felt natural with him.
“Anyway, how have you been? How's Raghu?” he continued.
“He's good,” she lied, but without wanting to.
“Why did you call me?”
“Can't I call you without a reason?”
“Sure you can,” he said, a little taken aback by her reasoning.
“I'm feeling very low.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing, really. But I feel empty.”
It was the Wiccan intuition, he knew. He knew that they both belonged to the mystic tradition and some day they were meant to be together. Yet they had to be part of this worldly ritual. She was supposed to go through the entire cycle so that she can be mature enough to change dimension.
Besides, restlessness is often felt at some point by all mystics. The desire to know more, the desire to go beyond known things, a dissatisfaction with the present, an empathy with the world, suicidal feelings sometimes – the whole gamut of restlessness. Just about when it is about to crush all hopes we need to surrender to love. Surrender needs no ego and that's where we lose the game. He wished he could hold her and soothe her.
“How's Kartik?”
'He called me to discuss things, but I don't think he was really interested.”
“I thought Raghu loved you!”
“He does, but he is kinda weird. I find him very cynical.”
“Maya, you will never find anyone perfect.”
“I know, but I want someone who's close to that,” she chuckled. “Is it so important to be loved, Vikram?” she continued. He knew this was going to come.
It is. Love gives life meaning. Love is the silence that speaks when two people are looking in the same direction. Love is the language of the universe. It makes everything beautiful. When you love, it becomes easier to carry out day to day mundane jobs. It creates a sense of joy around you.
Sadly most of the people in this world never know what love is. They just believe in controlling the force and ruin each other in the name of love. They want to own the other person, own his love. Can love ever be owned? Love is what Mira felt for Krishna. Love is when you learn to let go of 'I'. Love has no place for EGO. Love is complete surrender to your heart. Either you follow your heart or let it move on. You are lucky even if you have been through that magnanimous whirlwind even once in life. It comes from within. It is the song of the heart. Here I will tell you a small story, The sun asked the cloud. 'Why are you so sad?'
Cloud responded, 'It's me who collects all the raindrops.
They are mine. I own them and you make me let all of them go.'
'Don't you like to share your treasure?'
'What do I get in return?'
'All right, I will not force you to do away with your rain drops from now on.'
The cloud was very happy. Yet after a few days she felt heavy from carrying all the weight with her all the time. Besides,she noticed that the flowers those were waiting for her,for her drops, started withering. Her joy faded.
She returned to the sun. 'Could you please help me share my raindrops? I think I liked it better that way.'
The sun smiled and poured a little warmth on the cloud. It made her shower her love on the withering flowers. They looked up and smiled as they blossomed.
'The true joy lies in giving. If you would keep expecting the flowers to return your love you would never experience the spring.' The other Maya was all ears.
“Why does this love bring so much pain then?”
“Remember Maya no beautiful thing is devoid of an ugly side. If you want to experience the miracles, magic and peace of love you have to be ready to rejoice in the pain it brings with it. A cool evening can only be appreciated after going through a heated afternoon. Love is incomplete without pain. Just as fire can't exist without smoke, suffering makes you a better person. When you experience pain, your heart warms up. It is like sharing the dream. Every part of the dream is not beautiful, yet the feeling of sharing makes it lovely. When you endure pain you shed some tears. Every tear makes your heart more fertile, more receptive to the universal pain. Pain is again the language of the universe, just as much as love is. The heart that does not learn to bear pain in silence can never learn to rejoice in love. There is a language with which you connect to the universe. Love reveals itself the best in the pain it leaves behind. There is nothing that you want and can ask for, but you won't get. Tears are just a cleansing mechanism so that you can make space for love again.