Dilemma by D.A.Sanford - HTML preview

Similar stories, similar grief

Jerry has seen the look. He has and sometimes has the look himself.

As he is introduced to Darrel, he can see it in his face. The weight of the past has surfaced and he is trying to beat it down with no success. Jerry knows because that young life that was needlessly wasted. That lifeless little body that bled out on the sidewalk that she was playing on just because an idiot, no a monster, felt the need to spray a group in a drive by.

Yes he knows.

His wives made all the pleasantries, while he shook hands. These two are not just visitors. Jerry can tell. He has seen his wives, at his and Joy’s wedding feast, talking to the gods to know that these are just that gods.

If gods are in trouble, there is a big crisis. The big difference is now he can look out and see people living free, flying without a fear of being caged and still finding a way to drive my old pickup. That still scares me. One goblin steering and the other working the pedals. They always keep it to the open grasslands and everyone knows to leave the area.

He sits next to me on their porch. We just sit and look at the world for a long time. I start to talk but Jerry just looks at me and says that we will go for a long walk later. “That is when you and I will have a deeply serious talk but for now I need you just to absorb what you see and breathe.”

When it came time to retire, April and I are given separate rooms.

In the morning I have to admit that the environment has a calming effect. They must have their own communication system. I’m getting hugs from everyone. All tell me tales of being slaves, pets and actually hunted for sport.

The common thing is that they were rescued and now have a life that over shadowed their past. They all say that the memory of their past tries to creep in but is beaten back by the present.

I am starting to realize that they are exactly like the people of that world. They experienced it, I only saw the aftermath. How much more is their trauma compared to my failure.

Still I feel like I failed. Nothing will change that.

Now Jerry tells me that it is time. He tosses me a backpack and he has his on. We walk and he is pointing out this and that. Talking about how this looked before the ash ate it all.

“An AI had taken over this world but was taken out but not before it set in motion a all consuming creeping ash that devoured everything in its path. My canid wife Hope was with me but as a dog. She saw it all.”

He tells me of his old life as a detective in homicide. That he never got used to the sight of someone dead. Most times it was someone in the wrong place at the wrong time. Most times an innocent young person. Then he told me of that young child killed in the drive by shooting. That was his breaking point. He retreated from life and restored the cabin. Then of finding that everyone was gone, then the ash.

“I was back at the cabin and the ash had taken everything but the cabin, my truck and us. I told the dog that it was time. I was going to shoot the both of us but the god of mercy stopped me.”

He again points to the view.

“Look at all I would have missed.”

I know that it is now time for me to tell my story. I tell him my job and of that world. How I was fooled. How I retreated then spent seventy four years in a life that I realize was just a hallucination. A life, a family that did not exist. The guilt of losing both that world and that make believe family.

Jerry looks at me. He has heard what I have said. I really can see that he is choosing his words carefully. What he tells me upends all that even the gods have told me to do. His words hit me with the impact that hits my core.

“Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do anything about what happened. They will only tell you to get over it. That is bull shit. You experienced a full life. A childhood, getting married, having children and experiencing death. All that was real, to you. No matter what they say, you experienced it all. It was real but so was that world being completely destroyed. That whole world’s population was murdered. When confronted with the person that caused all those deaths, you did not take revenge, you asked for mercy and had him sent to oblivion.”

He grabs me by both shoulders, then tells me words that I will never forget.

“I will forever remember the sight of that child, dead on the sidewalk. I ran into the wilderness to escape. You ran to a new life. Neither of us escaped, did we? We will never escape but I now live my life for all those that I only knew as a cadaver that was murdered. Look at that world now.”

He lets go of me and points to the vista then opens his arms wide. He smiles then tells me. “Go out there and just walk, talk to yourself. Watch the people and think of what you will do to change the history of the next world you visit. I will suggest that you walk towards the mountains. The harpies have a certain way of comforting the soul. April has approved of you visiting their nests and all that it involves.”

He gives me a lite push and I start to walk.

At the time, I was confused but I took his advice and started walking until I meet myself somewhere out in this beautiful landscape.

I find that I am going back to some of what I saw on that world but a lot of what I experienced with my family. Most importantly, I felt free to wander like I did as a child.

I now did not try to differentiate between my task as an observer and my family life. Letting each merge with each other. There are now boundaries, like chapters in a book that take you to different scenes and different encounters.

As I walk towards those mountains, I am meeting people of different races and different situations. Feeling that the word has spread of my situation, all want to listen and all share backgrounds. They tell of capture, families being broken and some families reunited. They all end in thanking the gods for their rescue. All know that the losses they have experienced will not compare with eternity with loved ones.

One very old goblin, on his way towards the final life, put it into words that I can relate to. “I have a lot of regrets, a lot of extremely bad memories but also now I have very good, satisfying memories. When I go through that door, my wife and two sons will be the ones that hold my hands and lead me through it. All those bad things will just fade away in that forever life .”

He asked me if I would stay and hold his hand. I did and within a matter of minutes, I swear that I felt gentle hands lift mine off his and heard in my mind, a woman and two children thank me for seeing him off.

Then I got the warm feeling when I was told that there is an extremely large group of people waiting to greet me when my family does the same when it is my time. I feel hands touching me and see the village residents comforting me.

“Thank you for helping him cross. Please stay for the celebration of his life.” The village chief asks me. “Please tell us what he told you as his final words. They will be recorded for all to read. Those words never hold a bit of deceit. They are always true.”

I stay an get choaked up as I told them about his crossing. Everyone is smiling and toasting him. They all come to me and thank me. Some even invite me to live here but I tell them that I am on a journey to find myself but now I am one step closer.

They made me promise to come back once I find myself. They would like to record my grand adventure for their history.

Those words. Jerry said the same. Work to change someone’s future history. I definitely will come back.

I continue my walk towards the mountains. Soon there are shadows passing over me. A lot of shadows. Looking up, there is a flock of harpies flying over me and watching me as I walk. I could see that they were talking to each other but were too high for me to hear.

They all are very beautiful to look at. For a moment I think that I would like to own one but then see them flying and know that it would be wrong to cage even one of those free flyers.

Isn’t that what the alternative to all those people of that world would have been if that world did not explode. Caged birds? That was me and my family. They, having passed, made me free to do what was best for me given the situation. I no longer had to worry about them being caged. No longer had to worry about their having to endure hardships. No rape, torture, no drive by.

I am starting to see what Jerry was trying to tell me.

Then all those harpies land. Their leader comes over and just hugs me. She whispers in my ear telling me that my wife knew that I needed this hug. They all walk with me to their nest and I now know what Jerry meant by them having their own way of comforting someone.

More than a few weeks have passed and I feel that I have found myself. He is right. My family is as real as that world was. If my family did not exist than this whole universe doesn’t exist. Only a hallucination of an old man in a white room outside the universe.

It is time to return to that village.

When I get there, all had already gathered including Jerry, Hope, Joy and April. The harpies were here also.

It was the goblin chief that greeted me then he told the gathering, “We are here to record this chapter of the journey this man trying to make whole what was broken, swept up and just thrown away like trash, like the ash that once consumed this wonderful world we now live in. His walk is far from over, many more miles to go. Many more joys and many more sorrows. Regardless of his status, he is still one man on a walk. Listen and learn.”

Now I relate my full tale. That world, that family, this world. The revelation of a dying goblin and the lesson of a free flying flock. All were listening intently when I tell them that everything was real.

“Without the bad, there cannot be the good. Without the sad, there can be no happy. Do not let anyone tell you to just get over it. Dismissing those feelings and forgetting them is saying that they did not exist. Denying them their right to live and die as real people. That old goblin had his family come to get him. My wife left first to be there to greet our sons. I was left here to see them off. In that world their ashes are still in those wooden boxes that I made for them. They are on that shelf still. The remainder of my journey is to find my way back to that shelf, take those boxes to that grave and finish what I have to do. Put those shells to rest. For they are just shells. Those three, like that goblin, now are in those new forever bodies. Healthy, strong and full of life for eternity.”

All present are just silent. They know that what was said was not from a god, not from someone important but from each of their hearts. They all wonder how I was able to reach into them and pull all that from their souls.

I walk over to April and tell her it is time for me to talk to her counterparts again.