Gavin strained against the familiar throbbing and pulsating of his
loins raging beneath his trousers. Dolly winked and turned, weaving
his way through the crowds on the dance floor and out through the
backdoors.
Gavin knocked back his drink and followed. Once outside, he
could see no sign of him. Pausing to look around, he was pushed
suddenly into some sort of outhouse and up against a hard cold surface.
His eyes adjusting to the darkness, he took in his surroundings as he
was pulled from the wall and thrown over some old beer kegs which
littered the floor. He groaned as his ribs cracked against the hard cold metal surface and his nostrils filled with the stench of spilt beer and stale urine. He felt male hands on his body, running over his chest
and stomach and then fumbling with his zipper and unfastening
him quickly.
“Is this what you come looking for, pretty boy?” Gavin felt his
warm breath on his ear and on the back of his neck as Dol y slammed
violently inside him.
Unable to speak, Gavin arched back against his pursuer, his
breathing coming in short, fast, shal ow breaths, his head fell forward as he cried out in sheer ecstasy.
“You’re so fucking fit . . . fucking beautiful.” Dol y pul ed his head
back sharply and a hand slid around his exposed throat tightening its
grip, slowly crushing his windpipe.
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Behind Venetian Blinds
Panicking, gasping for breath, Gavin tried to pull his hand away.
“Just relax, pretty boy, I’m not trying to kill you . . . just relax, it’s a good feeling. Go with it, beautiful.” Dolly’s words soothed him and
he closed his eyes and felt himself slide.
Losing consciousness, he briefly remembered coming face to
face with Dolly’s breasts before his body began to cease resistance
and collapse back into itself. The lack of air causing a pseudo-
hallucinogenic effect, Gavin felt his legs buckle as bolts of lightning shot through his loins and his come splattered all over the blue plastic tarpaulin which lined the concrete floor.
Dolly lover smeared his semen over his chest, covering him in his
own stickiness before grunting in shortened breaths, he came hard
inside Gavin. Gaining control of himself quickly, he let Gavin go,
fastening his jeans back up as he watched him slide off the beer keg
and onto the ground. “C’mon, beautiful.” Dolly knelt behind him
and began fastening his dignity up for him. “Fit as fuck, granted, but
vulnerable as hell. I don’t even know your name.” Dolly lover smiled,
pulling him properly onto his feet. “C’mon, pretty boy . . . Let’s put
you in a cab.”
61
Chapter 9
Sometimes I just bubble over and get all giddy and sil y.
I just can’t help myself. I miss being sil y with you.
Little Wit
Sienna quietly closed the door behind her of the interview
room next to Dr Ridgewood’s office, and thanked the local
cops for returning her patient back to the safety of the ward.
She opened the door for them to leave, willing them to move
faster. They departed. Breathing a long sigh of relief, she turned back and quickened her pace, heading back for Rose Ward; if she hurried,
she would manage to catch April and have a smoke with her before
handover. She was working yet another double shift for the money,
but at least her best friend was here for the afternoon. Banging her
way through the double swing doors without due care or attention,
she careered straight into Mr Carr, clinical manager, causing him
to spill his coffee all down his shirt. He was outraged; but he never
seemed to be anything else.
“For GOODNESS SAKE, SIENNA! Why don’t you watch
where you are going for once?” He mopped at the brown stain.
“Sorry, Mr Carr,” Sienna stifled her giggles and hurried on
towards April, who was busy pulling faces at her from behind the
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office window. Bursting through the door, she collapsed in a fit of
giggles across one of the hard chairs. “God, I’ve spent the morning
chasing Anderson around half the city’s graveyards because he’s been
trying to find his father . . . Jesus Christ! And in my condition too, I thought I was going to go into early labour at one point.”
April laughed at her. “C’mon, let’s go for a quick smoke before
handover.” Their laugh tinkling in the air, they headed down the
corridor toward the staff toilets.
“You are getting big, Si.” April placed her hand on her bump
affectionately. “Wow, I think it just did a somersault then.”
“You can say that again, it’s not stopped kicking all day.” Entering
their den, Sienna lowered herself to the floor. “Ahhh, that feels better.
Gimme a cig.” She snatched it from between April’s lips before she
could say no.
“You shouldn’t, Si.”
“I know, I know . . . never mind . . . tastes good!” she grinned
playfully, as she dragged again on the cigarette. April raised her
eyebrows and lit another one for herself.
“I’ll bring you twenty smokes instead of a bunch of flowers when
you give birth, shall I! You look as if you’re about to drop any day.”
Sienna groaned. “I wish . . . I’m sick of not being able to sleep
on my stomach, and I can’t remember the last time I saw my feet!
Coming up for thirty weeks; can’t believe it, can you? Only seems like
yesterday I was sat here gurning that I was up the duff!”
April laughed. “How could I forget! How’s the house hunting
going, you seen anything yet?”
“Nope, not yet. Got another few to look at next week. You got
time to come with me? Could do with a second opinion, and Jay can’t
be bothered making an effort.”
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“Yeah, why not? Just let me know when, and I’ll check the roster,
see if I can meet you. Is Jay getting used to the idea that he’s going
to be a dad at all, now that you’re almost due?”
“You kidding me? He’s home even less than before, as if that
were possible! And when he is home, he crashes on the sofa and
stumbles up to bed only when I get up for work, saying he doesn’t
want to disturb me, he’s avoiding me like I’ve got the plague. The only name he’s come up with so far is ‘Born too soon’!” Sienna shrugged.
“Anyway, what about you and Gavin, he still coming up with excuses
as to how to justify his own meagre existence by taking it out on you?”
“He doesn’t even bother with an excuse any more, Si.” April smiled
a smile that never reached her sorrowful, blue eyes, and seemed lost
in thought.
“Ape, when are you going to realise you are worth so much more?
I’m not having a go at you, honest . . . it’s just . . . . I care about you.
I hate to see someone hurt you like he does. I don’t know how you
put up with it.” Sienna raised her eyebrows quizzically, searching her
friend’s face for an answer. “What is it that keeps you there, is it real y because yoùre scared of what he’d do if you left?”
April looked up at her, her brow knitted together as she tried
to make sense of her own situation and put it into some kind of
structured thought process. And then she shrugged and looked
dejected. “I don’t know what it is, Si, maybe if I knew then I could
change it or challenge it or . . . something! I think about leaving him constantly, every minute of every day I yearn for a way out, a quick
escape route . . . but it’s like there’s a brick wall every way I turn, I just can’t seem to find a way forward. Every option makes me feel
ill at the thought of it . . . because . . . because . . . I don’t know . . .”
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Behind Venetian Blinds
Sienna looked at her. “Do you think that it’s so frightening
because of fear of the unknown . . . and any change is very stressful,
even if it’s a good thing?”
April paused, absorbing her words. “Maybe that’s a part of it, I
mean, where would I even start to contemplate a new beginning?
Where would I go . . . realistically, Si? Who am I? I have been living
this life now for . . . God knows how many years . . . too long to
remember any different. How would I even start to reinvent myself,
and with what? I know that’s not everything, Si . . . but it’s just one small part of the bigger picture that I face. And I get so overwhelmed
when I think about it; and I feel so lost . . . I’m not sure I’m strong enough to go there. He’s been acting really strange lately; going out
all dressed up and not coming home until all hours . . . and I don’t
care! In fact, I find myself hoping that he is having an affair so he wil leave me. I don’t know how else to get out of this . . . this mess that I’ve created. It’s easier to stay and keep sinking, than to try and find a new direction. How sad is that, when you are hoping that the man
you are married to is having an affair? I don’t feel anything towards
him, I don’t feel anymore, I just feel numb.” She looked up at Sienna.
“Is it the same for you and Jay, is that why you stay with him?”
Sienna paused for a moment, arms folded protectively across her
bump. She crossed her legs and sat forward. “I don’t know . . . most of the time I choose not to think about it. If I think, it’s almost painful.
If I just get on with it and then I guess it all becomes normal after a while, even if it’s not ideal. You get used to it; one day rolls into the next and life keeps trundling along. Before you know it, another year
has passed. Sometimes I think that this is just life and this is what
happens in relationships. I don’t think anything is ever ideal, it’s how you cope with it.” She shrugged and paused; “. . . And now there’s the
baby to think about. Feeling pretty trapped by my whole situation
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as well to be honest, doesn’t bear thinking about really, so I try not
to think and just get on with it. Life seems so fragile sometimes and
beyond my control . . .” she trailed off.
“Don’t you ever wonder if you’d be better off on your own, Si?”
April’s voice dropped to a whisper and she almost sounded wistful.
“All the time, Ape.” They sat lost in their own silence. “C’mon, Ape,
better get some work done before Marge comes looking for us.”
Sienna stood up.
“Yeah, we’d better go.” April brushed herself down. “Apparently
Tim got it in the neck from Mr Carr because I refused that admission
from Lavender Ward yesterday.”
“Who? That Damon Moyenne they keep ringing up about? We
said we’d take him as soon as he stopped kicking the shit out of his
room and they managed get some meds down him.”
April dabbed at her lipstick in the mirror. “Yeah well, guess that
defeated their whole purpose, they actually had to do some work for
a change.”
Sienna folded her arms and looked defiant “They wouldn’t know
hard work if it hit them in the face, bloody snobs that they are. We
work our butts off and it takes them half an hour to attend to the
response alarm. Can you believe, one of their patients turned up
before any of them the other day asking me if I was all right? Should
have done a bloody incident report, would have served them all
right. Poor Tim . . . . C’mon, Ape, let’s give those twats downstairs
something to complain about.”
They left the smoke den and wandered back down to the office,
Sienna checking the coast was all clear, April wondering what her
friend was up to now. Her eyes gleamed with complete naughtiness
and devilish delight as she lifted the phone and dialled the internal
number for Lavender Ward.
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Behind Venetian Blinds
“Hello, Lavender Ward, staff nurse speaking,” Clive spoke
authoritatively. The resident staff nurse from the ward below them, a
text book nurse who thought he spoke with authority every time he
opened his mouth.
The girls cozied up together on top of the desk, the phone huddled
between them.
“Ooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooo,”
Sienna started, squealing down the line in a high pitched voice.
Hanging up, they collapsed into fits of giggles; Miriam peered
in at the door before wandering off, not fully comprehending what
her charge nurses were doing. April and Sienna were too engrossed
in their childish antics to notice. They eyed each other wickedly as
Sienna handed her the phone.
“Your turn.”
“OK.” April lifted the phone and re-dial ed the extension. “Hel o,
Lavender Ward, staff nurse speaking, how may I help you?”
Sienna muffled her giggles by burying her face in April’s shirt.
“EEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EMEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA,” April moaned down the
phone, dropping her voice by two octaves, and managing to sound
like something that had surfaced from the bellies of Hell.
Linda and Horace gathered around the doorway, wondering what
all the commotion was about, as April slammed the receiver back
down quickly.
“Aaaaahaaaa!” Sienna gulped for breath whilst April was doubled
over, holding onto her sides and screaming with mirth, she clung
onto Sienna’s arm to stop herself from sliding off the bench top.
“Horace, Linda, run downstairs while we make another call to
Clive and let us know his reaction.”
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Little Wit & Creative Goth
They both grinned at their nurse, happy to join in the jape, and
escape the humdrum existence of daily ward routine for a while.
“Okay, let’s go.” Horace turned and disappeared out the door.
“Shit, Si,” April smiled, “not sure if this is gonna help stabilize
Horace’s mood any.”
“OCH, Ape, laughter therapy, haven’t you read the research,
better than sex, they say.”
They could hear him whoop-whooping down the ward, high as
a kite and happy in his mission.
“I’d better go before he blows your cover.” Linda turned on her
heels of her black court shoes, saluted her nurses who returned the
gesture, and followed the racket that was Horace downstairs.
Sienna allowed a brief minute to elapse, ensuring Linda and
Horace had time to station themselves. Again she dialled Lavender.
“Hello . . . . staff nurse speaking?’ Clive answered tentatively. Sienna concentrated on the phone call, desperately trying to ignore April
who was busy snorting into her sleeve, trying to stifle her giggles.
She knew she would lose it if they caught each other’s eye. Clearing
her throat to steady her voice, she began.
“OOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA,” starting to laugh half way through,
her voice warbled and broke. Scrunching her face up at April, she
poked out her tongue and continued. “AAAAAAAAAA EEEEEE
OOOOOOOOOOOO EEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAAAAAA
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE.” She bounced up and down on the desk,
becoming giddier and sillier as she went, April fell off at last, rolling round the floor in stitches. “Stop it . . . . I can’t breathe . . . .” Grabbing the windowsill to hoist herself up, she accidentally upturned the
Tupperware box full of homemade barm cakes that Miriam had
lovingly hand-baked for the staff, all over the carpet. Sienna laughed
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Behind Venetian Blinds
helplessly, lying prone on the desk top, as she watched April pick
them all up and artistically slap them, butter side down, around
the white boards that adorned the office walls, all in the name of
decoration, of course.
Horace and Linda were hiding around the corner on Lavender
ward, from the office door, when Clive received his call. As soon as
the wailing ensued again from the other end, he dropped the receiver
and made a run for the patients’ lounge. A few that were milling
around looked up in surprise as he burst into their space, looking
startled and agitated, beads of sweat breaking out on his forehead.
“Right, which one of you lot is it?” They looked at him blankly.
“C’mon, ’fess up, the joke’s over. I KNOW it’s one of you lot,
ringing my office from the phone in here.”
He pointed wildly, gesticulating at the pay phone that sat quietly,
unmanned, in the corner of the room. Running his fingers through
his dark mop of hair, so it sat upright, he turned and stomped back to
the office. Wearily he dialled Rose. Sienna answered the line. April
sat staring at her from across the room, listening intently.
“Err, nope, sorry, Clive, haven’t heard anything, Nope. No funny
phone calls up here. Okay. See ya.” She replaced the handpiece as
Mr Carr walked in.
Quickly regaining some composure, April and Sienna jumped to
their feet and began peeling the bread from the wal s. Mr Carr stared
around the room, in complete disbelief at the carnage. He glared at
them, awaiting explanation.
“Sorry Mr Carr, you know what Horace can be like when he’s a
bit high,” Sienna mumbled, not meeting his stare.
April stifled a giggle as he turned and swore under his breath,
said nothing to them and stomped back out. Horace was passing right
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then; hearing the comment, he smiled benignly at the livid manager,
unzipped his shorts and peed down the back of the nearest radiator.
Both girls collapsed in hysterics.
70
Chapter 10
The white picket fence with the perfect marriage and
the kids, it never quite works out like that.
Little Wit
Seating herself in her usual spot at their local, Sienna sipped
on a pint of Guinness combined with a shot of Tia Maria.
She shrugged her coat off her shoulders and flung it across
the worn red velvet bench. Observing people interact around her,
she placed her hand on her stomach to soothe the baby which
somersaulted, safe and cushioned in her womb. Her eyes wandered
towards Jay, who was laughing and talking loudly to his friends; a
sure sign his alcohol level was beginning to peak. Glancing at the pub
clock ticking behind the bar, she mentally noted that antenatal class
was due to start in twenty minutes. Jay hadn’t made it to one yet, and
it didn’t look like he had any intention of going to this one either.
Savouring the last of her drink, she slung her coat over her arms
and grabbed her bag. Crossing over to Jay, Sienna hovered by the fruit
machine he was now enamored with. Jay eventually acknowledged
her presence, flickering his eyes in her direction briefly, before the
lure of the flashing lights pulled him away from her again.
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Little Wit & Creative Goth
“D’you have any cash, Si, I’m on a winner now, I know it’s just
about to pay out, it just has to. I’ve already put fifty quid in it and it’s give nothing back, I can feel it. Go on g’is a tenner.”
Rummaging through her bag, she got out her purse and placed a
twenty pound note in his outstretched hand. “Antenatal is in twenty
minutes . . . . you coming?”
He didn’t answer. She watched him wait with nauseated
anticipation, as the lights flashed and the reels spun as he pulled the handle, his soul sold to the pokies. She felt her heart sink another
notch and wondered what excuse she could use to the midwife this
time to cover his absence and preserve her dignity. Saying no more,
she put her purse away and left the warmth of the pub and began
the fifteen minute walk down to the small Health Centre. Slipping
through the door unnoticed, she sat at the back behind everyone else
who sat seated on the ground, their partners sat with them as the
pregnant women practised their breathing techniques. Shrugging her
coat off, she started her exercises; alone.
*
The next two months passed in a flurry of activity for Sienna; she
applied for a bank loan to secure her first house. She remembered
her spat with April several months earlier; suburban heights, as she
signed the mortgage for a three bedroom semi-detached. Her first
home, located on the outskirts of a well-known council estate, she
ensured it was complete with garden for her forthcoming child to play
in. She fleetingly mused if she should officially apply that title; she could have it etched onto a brass plate and bolt it beside the brown
glossed front door. She stopped her fraught, wracked mind from
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Behind Venetian Blinds
exploding at her actions, or causing a full blown asthma attack by
telling herself repeatedly she needed room for the baby.
On Christmas Eve, Sienna borrowed a wheelbarrow from the
tenants who resided on the ground floor, and moved their belongings
and the small amount of furniture that had either been given to them
or purchased from charity shops into their new home. Unlocking the
door she looked at Jay who lounged on a green, curved sofa, boot-clad
feet hanging over the end, tapping away as he listened with fervour
to Deep Purple on a personalized CD player. The suite that stood
alone in the room had changed position from where she had placed
it earlier. It had been donated by April as Gavin had purchased
something else, bored quickly by his own décor. Sienna was disgusted
at Gavin’s whimsical spending, but at least this time she was grateful
for his discards. She stood at the open door from her lobby, looking
around the room for five minutes before Jay realized she was there.
“Si, you like what I did with the chairs? Thought they would look
better this way around.”
He sat up, pulling his headphones from his ears and dropping
his feet to the floor.
“Yeah, great, Jay! Could you give me a hand getting our stuff in?”
He rose hurriedly to his feet, clicking off his music. “I would, like, but I promised the lads as soon as you got here, I’d meet them at the pub.”
He zipped up the front of his hooded top, picked up her handbag
which had been slung carelessly on the floor and helped himself to
a twenty pound note. “Cheers, babe.” he leaned forward to kiss her,
she turned her head away and his lips landed in thin air. He failed to
notice. “I’ll be back later, bring the lads around to have a look at the gaff, like . . .” He moved her to one side to get out of the house, she turned and watched him step outside, look up at the sky and hold
his hand out to feel for rain. “Think it might piss it down, Si . . . .
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Little Wit & Creative Goth
You’d better get the stuff in sharpish just in case, see you later.” He swerved around the wheelbarrow she had parked outside on the path
and stalked away down their new front garden, slowly going out of
sight behind the privet hedge that secluded them from the main road.
Sienna stood in the doorway and stared for several minutes into
nothingness. She shook her head to snap out of it, and then began
moving toward her belongings to transport them into her new nest.
Jay rocked up seven hours later, as promised, with a truckload of
mates and a truckful of narcotics. He shared the duck that she had
careful y prepared for Christmas Day with everyone, ignored the fact
that she was in bed trying to sleep, and whacked the music up; and
on the actual day of Christmas, trotted off back to the pub with his
gang in tow, and blew the rest of her wages on beer and gambling.
*
The days were short and the nights remained cold and long.
Everything seemed to stagnate; a cycle of life was coming to an end
again. Sienna worked an afternoon shift on New Year’s Eve with
April, where they celebrated the end of another year in the confines
of the staff cloakroom, sharing a smoke and