HANNAH
I was shocked this morning when I looked at the calendar and realized my period was three days late. Oh, no! No and no!
River is out of town for a few days for some archaeological research. Rachel went into the bank early and I opened the shop late because I had to pop into the pharmacy for a pregnancy test. Now I'm sitting in my office amongst my sketches, the unopened package in my hand, staring into space, numb. I should drag my ass into the toilet and pee on this fucking test, but I just can’t. This can’t happen to me! Not now and not this way. I know that it would only be my own – our – stupidity if it’s positive.
My birthday was last week. River arranged a big party in his parents' garden and invited a lot of people. Old college buddies, neighbours, friends and family members. The garden was decorated with lanterns and there was plenty of food and drinks. We were also celebrating the boutique’s success, our sales have increased by 50% since the magazine article came out. We have hardly finished with the winter collection and many people are already interested in the spring collection. It really was an occasion to celebrate.
Jamie even showed up, around ten. I knew River invited him. He always does, even if it’s bound to end in disaster. He brought friends, some of whom looked like drug dealers, the rest like emo punks. Dyed hair, black eyeliner. Recently, Jamie has been wearing all black. He says bright colours annoy him. He was wearing a hooded sweater, and what little of his face still visible was covered by long jet-black dyed hair hanging down his forehead. Ian turned white as a sheet when he saw him. Then he became flushed with anger when he saw his son and his friends in front of the house leaning on a crazy expensive BMW G-Power Typhoon SUV and smoking. He was convinced Jamie had stolen the car. River took it in stride; he was just glad his brother came.
Jamie, as usual, didn’t look at anybody – except me – but I’ve gotten used to it by now. But he still hugged River and his mother. He wanted to hug me too, but I fended him off. I can’t explain it, but there’s something about him that sends chills down my spine. Jamie Hailey is a handsome man, that's undeniable, but somehow different to River. Their height and body structure is the same, however River's hair is lighter and his eyes are blue like their mother’s. My fiancé has some rascally aloofness. He’s sexy and roguishly handsome. It is very easy to fall in love with him, and I'm not stupid, I know exactly how many women like him. Jamie's natural hair and his eyes are dark brown. He has some darkness to his features, some mysteriousness that scares me. And, of course, this current emo style just enhances it. He almost never smiles, and you can never be sure where you stand with him.
Of course it’s possible I'm just trying convince myself about him. He never looks anyone in the eye, and yet he can stare at me as if he’s trying to hypnotize me. No one understands why I have such an effect on him, but it started in our childhood. After he was diagnosed with Asperger’s at 16, many of the oddities, including avoiding eye contact, became understandable. I have no idea how he can still look me in the eye! I would happily give up that privilege.
Soon, whiskey bottles appeared from inside the Typhoon, and even though I’m not very familiar with brands of alcohol, I realized they were probably horribly expensive. Everyone drank, even River and Jamie, but the weird thing was that while River got tipsy from the second glass, Jamie, it seems, is immune to the effects of alcohol. I saw they were enjoying each other’s company, I didn’t want to interrupt them, so I let them talk while I had fun and danced with the others. I had a few glasses of wine -- and maybe even one or two tequilas, for the sake of celebration, and then in a relaxed party mood walked to the end of the garden, when I saw River’s back towards me talking to Rachel.
Stupid me, I nuzzle up behind him, gliding my hand provocatively under his pullover. Warm skin and toned abs under my fingers. Mm… for now this is ok. A familiar, exciting feeling. Perhaps most of my inhibitions had been dissolved in the alcohol because my fingers glide seductively down on his abs. Rachel isn’t easy to shock, but even with the unexpected look on her face it didn’t register to me at first. But then Jamie slowly turned his face to the side and glared at me with his dusky, dark eyes. The exclamation “Holy Fuck!” unintentionally blurted from my mouth, my brain blocked, but my hand was still under his pullover.
This has never happened to me in my whole damn life. I have never confused them. My craziness must have been caused by the dusk in the garden and a generous measure of red wine-tequila mix. Jamie stared right into my face and if I didn’t know that he rarely shows his emotions on his face, I would say that he was shocked. My cheeks turned fiery red from the shame. I tried to quickly pull my hand away from this forbidden place. I felt faint and weak in the knees, and Jamie tried to save me from falling. This was the moment when I started to ardently pray a meteorite would strike right there where I stood, and simply make me disappear from the earth. Rachel’s wineglass fell from her hand and she became deadly pale from the shock.
As I got my balance again, I jumped out from Jamie’s arms like someone bitten by a snake. “Honey” he whispered, or rather just articulated my name as if he is the only one who calls me that. (He almost never calls me by my regular name. Starting from our early childhood, he named me Honey.) Confused, I murmured something resembling an excuse and inelegantly stagger through the garden. When I leaned on the open door of the terrace, to take a breath, I furtively took a glance at the end of the garden, I saw that Jamie was still staring at me.
I took refuge in the house and immediately sought out River, who was drinking in the kitchen with a couple of friends. I wrapped my arms around his neck like a rag, and hung off of him, shaking and helpless. I really should not drink that much. I was terribly abashed, even if no one except the three of us witnessed the scene. I had no idea what got into me, but suddenly I was overwhelmed by adventurousness, and I whispered into River’s ear: I want you, right now. He stared at me and grinned sardonically.
“Right here?” He asked and looked around at the guests.
“Upstairs.” I answered, and as fast as my tipsy state allowed, I started to make a break for the stairs.
I looked back to see if he was following me and I wasn’t disappointed. River studied me for a few seconds, leaning on the kitchen cupboard, as if he wasn't sure whether he could take the recommendation seriously, and then, his mouth stretched out into a confident and mischievous grin. He appeared two steps behind me and took me on his shoulder.
From there, everything happened really fast. I don’t even remember the details, just that we ended up at River’s old room. When we arrived at the door, I wasn’t wearing my blouse, and his jeans were at his knees. I’m afraid it wasn’t my decision to not make love in the hallway. He took me into the room and tossed me onto the bed, laughing. If I remember correctly, we didn’t even take our clothes off. Still clothed, he made me his, so full of intensity the idea of proper contraception never entered our minds. After, laying in bed, breathing heavily for a bit, we stared at the ceiling and listened to the noises from the garden.
“Is everything ok?” He asked after some time, turning towards me with that playful, panty-ripping grin of his.
“Of course. It’s just that I confused you with your brother.”
“What?” He wrinkled his forehead.
“Nothing, just … hmm, I thought he was you.”
“When? Now?”
“Don’t be silly!” I groaned and I flung a pillow at him. “Outside in the garden, before.”
“But we aren't even similar!”
“I know. It’s never happened to me before.”
“What exactly happened?” He asked, propping himself up on his elbow.
I wanted to smooth over the situation, so I said: “I hugged Jamie from behind because I thought that it was you there at the back of the garden talking to Rachel.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it, but it was very awkward. Especially in front of Rachel.”
He squinted his eyes, tilted his head, and looked at me searchingly. “It’s not that you got so turned on because you snuggled up to my brother?”
“Not at all! Are you crazy?” I exclaimed, shocked. My whole face was flushed red, and I sat up in bed.
“Relax! I’m just kidding,” he laughed freely. He laid back and interlaced his fingers behind his head.
“Anyway, you wouldn’t make it easy.” He pouted his mouth pensively, but his voice was full of playfulness. “Girls adore Jamie.”
“What? You are kidding, right?”
“Why would I be?” He turned towards me and raised his eyebrows. “What, you don’t think that my brother is a pretty handsome guy?”
“Yes, he is, but … still.” I shrugged my shoulders uncomfortably. “This whole thing with the Asperger’s … you know what I mean.” I blinked at him insecurely. “I don’t think it makes relationships easier.”
“I didn’t say he has a steady girlfriend” he answered absent-mindedly, and started to play with my hair. ”It’s just that despite all his weirdness, women still flock to him. They see him as attractive. As mysterious, you see?”
“Well, not exactly,” I admit, distracted. Because I really didn’t get it.
I turned towards him and pulled myself closer. He smiled at me. I love his smile.
“I think your mother is secretly giving money to Jamie,” I continued with squinted eyes.
“What?”
“I’m serious. I’ve had this feeling for a long time that Rose secretly gives him money since Ian kicked him out.”
“Why the hell would you think this?”
“It’s not as if it’s any of my business or anything. But did you see the watch on his wrist? Plus, the expensive presents he brings to you and your mom? For god’s sake, River, I got a Louis Vuitton from him for my birthday. And that car – it cost an arm and a leg!”
“That’s silly, Hannah!” He said, and shook his head, laughing. “Do you seriously think that my mom is secretly bankrolling Jamie? And from this money, he can buy a Rolex and a BMW SUV for himself?”
When he said it out loud, it sounded really pretty stupid. It’s clear Rose could not be secretly giving so much money to her son that he could live so luxuriously. Not to mention Rose doesn’t have the means to do something like this. It’s not just about a couple of hundreds. I feel particularly stupid because of my former assumption. It’s clear cut there’s something else behind it. But what?
“Do you think …”
“That he is doing something illegal?” He looked at me with a joking grin.
I was shocked. “How can you kid about this? He could get in big trouble if they ever catch him.”
“Holy hell, Hannah! You’re chasing ghosts. He’s not a drug dealer, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“How can you be so sure?”
The happy grin was still on his face as he kissed me. Then he got out of bed and started to button his trousers. Then he reached for his t-shirt, but I was faster. I took this piece of clothing and looked at him questioningly.
“How can you be so sure?
He shrugged his shoulders and sighed. “Jamie has his genius side. You know that in some things, he’s at a higher-than-average level. Most people don’t think too much of him because of the Asperger’s, but I tell you, he’ll be the most successful of us all.
Because I was still staring at him wide-eyed, he continued a bit more seriously:
“He worked a long time for various hackers. Already up to now he made more money with his IT skills than I will make in my whole life. Jamie has plenty of money. He just doesn’t care. He only cares about solving problems. So, if there's someone here bankrolling someone else, it’s Jamie who's sponsoring our mother! You can be damned sure!”
“But it’s not …?”
“Illegal?” He smiled again and took his shirt from my hands. “Maybe. Probably. But this is what he does best!”
“But he could use his knowledge as a programmer, for example, in a legal company,” I suggest naively, and River smirked.
“You mean from 8 to 5, in an office full of people? And who would even hire him? He doesn’t have the proper certification. He taught himself everything and at this point he has more genius than all the university-educated eggheads put together. No, Hannah,” he shook his head and put on his shirt. “Jamie has to go his own way. It could even happen that he will found his own firm.”
“Are you for real?” I looked at him, bewildered.
“Of course, why not?” He shrugged his shoulders and grinned. He pulled me up out of the bed. “But now it’s better if we go downstairs before my mother starts looking for us.”
“Ok” I groan sluggishly, still digesting the new information.