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Truckin’ Up!

By Donna Carver

For that truck drivin’ man of mine.

Chapter Page

1. Alligator on the Zipper 3
2. The Road 12 3. Big Boys with Big Toys 24
4. Bears 31
5. Truck Stops and Pickle Parks 41 6. Jokes 49
7. Truckers Slang 66
8. Trucker Cities and National 10 Codes 81 Chapter one

Alligator on the Zipper

We were riding north on Interstate 95 in North Carolina.
The sound of the big diesel engine vibrated through my head as I
watched the white dashed lines slip by on the dark road ahead. I had been riding as a passenger in this semi truck for only a few
days at that time and it was an exciting new adventure for me.
It was so different from what I had imagined. Riding high above the road, I looked down into the cars that we passed. It gave me
a whole new perspective on everything. I saw people doing all
kinds of crazy things while they were driving. People reading newspapers or writing notes, and talking on cell phones, women
putting on makeup, businessmen juggling coffee and biscuits.
There were people changing clothes or flossing their teeth (steering with their knees) and even having sex while driving in
heavy traffic!
“Break one nine!” The voice on the CB radio broke into the cab of the truck. Don grabbed the microphone that dangled from a
bungy cord attached overhead. ”Come on break!” he said.
“Northbound,” the driver came back, “You got an alligator on the
zipper at the 129 yard stick.” Don grabbed the mike again and said: “Preeshaydit southbound. You’re looking good back to the
line.” Now, I was raised in Florida and it wasn’t too uncommon
to hear about alligators roaming around in neighborhoods or on highways but this was North Carolina in the middle of winter!
“Did he say there was an alligator on a zipper up here?” I asked, some what confused. Don looked over at me and grinned. “It’s
not a real alligator, it’s the rubber off of a recapped tire laying on the zipper, which is the white striped line in the
middle of the road.” “Why do they call it an alligator?” I
asked. “Well, if that thing gets caught up under your car or truck, it will chew up everything it hits.” He said. “Well,
where is this alligator?” I asked. “It’s at the 129 mile
marker.” He said as he pointed to a small road sign on the side of the road. This one read 120. “You see,” he started, “most
highways have mile markers or “yard sticks” that measure the
distance from beginning to end of the road in each state. They start at 1 at the south and east ends and run higher as you drive
north or west.” We were headed north which meant that the
“alligator” was nine miles north of us. I watched the mile markers as we pass until I saw 129. Just
ahead, straddling the striped line in the middle of the road lay
a large jagged piece of rubber. One end of it curled up in the air, looking very much like an alligator poised to strike. A
few minutes later, we saw a big truck pulled over to the shoulder
with his emergency flashers on. Don took the mike and asked: “You OK over on the side driver?” A voice came back: ” Yes sir,
I just hit that gator back there and it took out my break line.
I got help on the way.” “10-4” Don said as he let the mike go. “Those alligators are dangerous!” I said. “They cause hundreds
of accidents and hundreds of thousands of dollars in vehicle damage every year.” Don said as he shifted to another gear. “Why
don’t they outlaw them?” I asked. “Lots of large companies use recapped tires to save money. They have lobbyists in Washington
who make sure that recaps aren’t banned.” Then he added: “It’s a
money thing.” As I listened in to the conversations on the CB radio, I
soon realized that I didn’t understand half of what was being
said. I learned that since the 60’s, truckers have used Citizens Band or CB radios for communications and over the years, they
have developed a colorful language all their own. Truck drivers
generally monitor channel 19 on the CB or “Sesame Street” as it is sometimes called because of the childlike behavior that is
sometimes heard on that channel.
I was glad to have Don as an interpreter. He literally grew up in the trucking business starting behind the wheel on his
daddy’s knee and driving by the time he was thirteen. Yes, he is
a driving machine. The man even drives in his sleep. Every now and then in the middle of the night while we are sleeping, he
will reach around and grab one of my breasts and start shifting
gears. Those first three or four gears are bad enough but when he shifts into high gear I have to put on the breaks.
Don had been driving trucks for more than twenty years when
I met him and was well versed in “Truckers Slang”. There is trucking slang to describe almost everything and I have listed a
collection of over 400 truckers slang words and phrases in the chapter titled: “Truckers Slang”. I have also listed “Trucker
Cities” and the National 10 codes. The list of trucker’s slang is by no means complete because new words and phrases are being
born everyday but I hope you will refer to it and enjoy it as you
read this book. Most drivers have a “handle” or CB name. Generally, a
driver will use a handle rather than his real name in order to
protect his privacy and anonymity. Most handles are cute names that distinguish each driver’s radio personality. Handles like
“Leadfoot”, “Fast Lane”, or “Speed Buggy” might describe a fast
driver or maybe a driver that just wants to sound like he’s fast. I’ve heard many handles such as “Spanky”, “Corn Cob”, “Skid
Mark”, “Side Pocket”, “Wild Man”, “Corn Flake” and “Mattress
Monkey”. Female drivers also have some cute handles like “Big Momma’”, “Wild Flower”, “Little Momma”, “Queen Bee”,
“Soggybottom Sal”, “Precious” and “Shake-n-Bake”. My handle is
“Sweet Pee” and Dons’ handle is “Bloomer Snatcher”, which might tell you a little bit about him.
A typical CB conversation might sound like this: Driver 1:
“How bout ya’ Rain Man? This is Desperado. You got your ears on?” Driver 2: “This is Rain Man. What’s your 20? Come back.”
Driver 1: “I’m headin’ northbound at the 35. Where you at
Desperado?” Divers 2: “I’m on your front door about two miles. Where’re you headin?” Driver 1: “I got two drops in the Motor
City. Then I’ll have to call my travel agent to see where I’m goin’ after that.” Driver 2: “10-4, I’m headin’ for the home 20
for a few days and spend some time with the other half, roger?” Driver 1: “I hear that. I haven’t been home for about three
weeks now and the warden is getting pissed. Roger?” Driver 2:
“I copy that.” Driver 3: “Brake one nine.” Driver 1: “Come on brake”. Driver 3: “You got a major cluster fuck on your side at
the 73 yard stick. Both lanes are blocked up for about five
miles.” Driver 2: “What happened up there driver?” Driver 3: “A roger ramjet hit a pregnant roller skate and caused a thermos
bottle full of go juice to go greasy side up and spilled motion
lotion on the blacktop. They got a meat wagon up there making a pick up and a dragon wagon pulling off the wreckage. The haz-mat
crew is mopping up the mess but it’s going to be a long while
crew is mopping up the mess but it’s going to be a long while
4?” Driver 1: “I hear that driver. Well, thanks for the heads
up. You’re lookin’ good back that way. The chicken coops are
open and checkin’ the tension on your suspension. 10-4?” Driver3:“I copy that, driver. Don’t tense around that break
check.“
Now, just in case you didn’t follow all of that, I’ll explain. The first driver, Desperado, asks Rain Man if he has
his radio on. Then the second driver, Rain Man, asks Desperado
where he is located. Desperado tells him that he is front of him about two miles and asks Rain Man where he’s going. Rain Man
tells Desperado that he has two deliveries in Detroit and that he will have to call his dispatcher for his next destination.
Desperado is on his way home for a few days to spend some time with his wife. While Rain Man is talking about his wife being
angry about his long absence from home, a third driver brakes in
to give them a warning about a bad traffic accident involving multiple vehicles ahead of them. The accident was caused by a
speeding car, which hit a Volks Wagon and caused a tanker full of
fuel to turn over and spill diesel fuel on the highway. The ambulance is on the scene and a tow truck is picking up the
wrecked cars. Firefighters are cleaning up the fuel spill but it
will take some time to clear the road and the driver suggests that they might want to find a way around the accident.
Desperado thanks the driver for the warning and tells him that
there are no police ahead of him and that the scale house is open and weighing trucks. The driver acknowledges the road report and
tells him to take it easy around the accident ahead.
“Break one nine for a radio check!” This is probably the single most used phrase on the CB radio. There are literally
thousands of CB radios in use by truck drivers alone and they
check on their equipment regularly. “Break one nine for a radio check!” … “Yeah, come on” … “ I just got this radio and had it
tweeked out. How’s it sound?” … “You’re treetop tall and wall to
wall, driver. Just like my girl friend, she’s puttin’ out all over town!” A “Mud Duck” is a radio that sounds weak or garbled.
CB radios come quipped with FFC regulated frequencies and basic microphones. But, drivers often have technicians’ work on
their radios to enhance sending and receiving capabilities. There are plenty of radio accessories available to dress out
radios such as: high power microphones and antennas, audio
features like echo, reverb, prerecorded responses and much more. Generally, an average radio signal can be heard for three to five
miles in either direction. If the traffic is heavy and several
drivers are talking in the area, they can “Walk on” each other causing distortion of signals between trucks. If a driver has
his radio “Tweeked out” with power boosters and high-powered
antennas, the driver can “Walk on” or interrupt transmission for other radios for miles around.
Some things you hear on the radio aren’t very nice. For
instance, when occasional fights break out over the radio. One driver may have pissed off another by driving too fast or too
slow. He may have cut the other driver off in traffic or it
might just be that a driver has had a bad day and just likes to start trouble on the radio. Bantering back and forth, they call
each other all sorts of derogatory names like: “Harvey
Wallbanger” (reckless driver), “Juvenile Delinquent” (someone pretending to be a truck driver), or a “Good Buddy” (a
homosexual), as well as the usual four letter words one might
hear in a heated argument.
“How bout ya’, covered wagon. Why don’t you get that dragon
fly (drags uphill and flies downhill) out of the hammer lane and quit blockin’ traffic?” “Back down, windjammer (fast moving
truck), I got a fat load (heavy load).” “Well, quit knuckle draggin’ (going slow) and put your foot in the gas hole and do it
to it, good buddy.” “OK, bumper sticker (driver following too
close), how about you eyeball me (meet) at this pickle park (rest area) up here?” In this instance, the language isn’t too bad but
in some cases, it gets pretty nasty and is hard to listen to.
Personally, I prefer to use “cussin’ cusins’” or words that sound like swear words. When the language get real bad on the radio,
you just have to tune them out or turn the radio off until you
get out of range.
Most drivers use clean language on the CB. Only small
minority of drivers use fowl language and they may give the
impression that all truck drivers are rough ridin’ tough cowboy types. But for the most part, these men and women are average
hard working people doing a hard job and often under difficult
conditions. Often, drivers will listen to the CB to help them stay
awake. If you’ve ever been on a long road trip, you know how
tiring it can be. So, imagine driving for eight to ten hours with few breaks before climbing into the bunk for a few hours of
sleep. Then, after you jump right back into the drivers’ seat
and run straight into a traffic jam. If by some miracle, you arrive at your destination at the appointed time, you find out
that you must still wait in line to be unloaded even though you have an appointment. Then you must unload forty or fifty
thousand pounds of freight or pay a “lumper” or dock-worker to unload the freight for you. After it has taken the lumpers
three hours to do twenty minutes worth of work you can collect
your paperwork and jump back into the drivers’ seat. Now it’s time to call your dispatcher sends you two or three hundred miles
to pick up another load that has to be a thousand miles away by
the next morning. Try repeating that sort of routine day after day and tell me truck drivers got it easy. It’s no wonder that
they get a little “testy” sometimes.
After long hours on the highway, drivers can get a little board and some will pick up the microphone to try and engage
another driver in a conversation. Generally, the conversations
are fairly dry but some drivers will take the opportunity to vent their frustrations about their jobs, the road, wives or girl
friends and just about anything else. Some drivers will even try
to pick a fight with another drivers just to pass the time.
There is still another breed of CB’er who doesn’t have
anything to say on the radio but feels the need to broadcast “something” for his fellow drivers on the road. I call them
“Truckin’ DJ’s” because they key their mikes up in front of their
stereo speakers. It makes most drivers mad because the DJ’s usually plays music the other drivers don’t like and as long as
the DJ keeps playing his tune, no one else in the area can use their radios because of the interference.
“Southbound, you got a female pedestrian on the shoulder up hear and I think she’s lookin’ for a ride.” Hitch-hikers can a
problem at times because you can never be sure what kind of
person might be climbing into your truck. Allot of drivers make it a policy to never pick them up but occasionally they do. One
day, Don picked up a young couple who seemed to be down on their
luck. He said that when they got into the truck he noticed a bad smell and that within minutes he had to pull the truck over and
make them get out. There was a woman down in Florida a few years
back who would try to get rides with truck drivers, eventually killing and robing them. She was eventually caught but, there
could be others like her. Chapter Two

The Road

I have seen and heard many crazy, horrible, and wonderful
things on the road. Each day brings something new as you watch
the sun rise and set in a different place everyday. My since of time and place became distorted as we rolled past the rugged
mountains and through the valleys then onto the plains of this
country. I couldn’t help but be in awl of its’ great beauty. The only thing that seems to spoil it all is what man has put
here. It broke my heart to see all the trash along side of the
highway. Most truck drivers are pretty good about not littering and some states are better than others about keeping things
picked up but everyone should do their part.
Most of the time, drivers spend seemingly endless hours driving down the road with little more than the drone of the
engine ringing in their ears while the world passes in front of
the windshield. But, they never know when they might see or hear something that will make them laugh, cry, or just plain mad. The
beautiful scenery that gently drifts past the window can quickly
change into concrete and steel with the rush and hurry of the people who live there. A seemingly easy ride around a bypass or
a beltway can turn into a multiple car pileup where people are
hurt or even killed. A ride that should have taken thirty
minutes may delay the driver for hours costing precious time and money.
One of the first and worst accidents I have seen on the road was down in Florida. It started raining suddenly and we watched
as a small four-wheeler a few cars in front of us slammed on breaks. The car went out of control and slid across the median
“comedian strip” and into oncoming traffic. A man in a green
Caravan hit the little car and the man was ejected from his vehicle and onto the road. The Caravan came down on top of the
man, cutting him in half. Mean while the car that had crossed
the comedian strip hit yet another passenger car. We heard later on the CB that a young woman and her three children were killed.
One spring day as we road south through the mountains of
Tennessee, we heard a warning on the CB that there had been a terrible accident on the road ahead and that the southbound lanes
were blocked for ten miles. We looked at the road atlas, a must
for any driver, and found an alternate route on an old highway that paralleled the interstate and would bring us out past the
accident. We exited the interstate and began driving on a narrow
winding road full of hairpin turns that wound around the side of the mountain. On the drivers’ side of the truck, the side of the
road dropped off sharply. We looked down and saw a beautiful
white-water river winding along the side of the road. The water swirled and foamed as it washed over the rocks and boulders. A
man in high waders stood on one of the larger rocks holding a fly
fishing rod. He gracefully sent his fly back and forth over the water. It was like seeing a Norman Rockwell painting in motion.
Driving conditions can add still another factor to the driving experience. I had seen Don drive through all kinds of
weather. A clear calm day is ideal but that doesn’t happen everyday. As we drove through a violent storm with blowing
winds, I realized that the trailer we were pulling was acting
like a large sail and we were being blown hard. Don struggled with the steering wheel at times trying to keep the truck on the
road. While many four wheelers were pulling off to the side of
the road to wait out the storm, we had to go on to make our appointment.
White and glistening thick on the ground, the snow was like
a creamy white icing on everything. It was wonderful to see, especially for a Florida girl who hadn’t seen much of it. But as
we continued north the skies grew gray and it began to snow
heavily, almost completely obscuring our view of the road. Don said he hoped that we didn’t have a “whiteout” when it gets so
bad that the road completely disappears. We saw where many cars
and trucks had slid off of the road and into guardrails and ditches.
When we got off of the interstate, the roads hadn’t been
salted and plowed as much as the main highways and it became more and more difficult to drive. Even driving at very low speeds we
were very nervous. As we approached an intersection, we saw the
light was changing and Don prepared to stop the truck. He slowed the truck and as he checked his rear view mirror he said, “My
trailer is sliding around.” I looked and could see the back of the trailer sliding forward on the icy road. It looked like it
might come around to meet the front of the truck. I could feel the cheeks of my backside grabbing the seat a little harder as
Don pulled the trailer back into to place and brought the truck
to a safe stop. I was thankful that there was so little traffic in the area but then again maybe only crazy truck drivers try to
drive around in conditions like that.
We were in Texas last spring, sitting in a truck stop café. I could overhear the driver in the booth behind me talking to his
wife on the phone. “Yeah baby, I know it’s been six weeks but I
gotta’ go where they send me. I’ll try to get my travel agent to send me your way but you know I can’t make any promises.” I
could hear the frustration in his voice as he talked. “OK, put
Jimmy on the phone. Son, You’re the man of the house till I get back so, you help your mother take care of things OK? Yes, I
know your mother says that she’s in charge but she still needs
your help. No, son, I’m sorry. I won’t be there for your birthday next week but maybe I can be home for the Forth of
July.” It was the middle of May!
I felt bad for that driver and his family and as I looked around at the other drivers in the truck stop, I wondered how
many drivers, both men and women, had to be away from their homes
and families, missing all those important birthdays and holidays. They literally watch their children grow up in photographs. “The
infidelity and divorce rates must be pretty high for truck drivers.” I said after the man left. Don looked at me and
nodded. He had already been through it with a previous marriage and children. He knew exactly what I was talking about. He told
me that there is a wide variety of trucking jobs out there. In
some of them, the driver will get to go home every night and in others he may be away from home anywhere from two or three days
to two or three months and for some much longer. There are even
drivers who live in their trucks driving year round. Now that I’ve been married to a truck driver for a while,
I’ve experienced what most truckers’ wives go through. We hadn’t
been married long when Don had to go out and leave me with the house and kids. Watching him drive out of the driveway, I
realized that there was a chance he might not come back. My
heart sank like a lead weight. Truckers die on the road everyday and I waited each night for his phone call telling me everything
was all right. Meanwhile, I had to take care of the household
and deal with the kids’ problems alone. I spent many long anxious nights wondering how I was going to deal with his
absence. Once the kids were grown and moved out, I decided to go
with him.
I really had no idea what I was getting myself into as I
climbed up into that truck. I am an average woman, well educated with a fairly normal upbringing. I had raised children, worked
and taken care of the house for more than twenty years. None of
that prepared me for the adventure I was facing. I hadn’t traveled much so and I was excited that I was going to get to see
some of the country. Although it’s not the typical first class tour, I can honestly say that I have seen a side of this country
I never knew existed and challenges that I never expected.
There were several construction “destruction” zones along
the entire stretch of highway on I40 in Arkansas and it made for a very rough ride. As soon as we hit that road, the truck
started bouncing up and down. I was already suffering from PMS
and my breasts were sore. With very bounce, the pain shot through my breasts and I held my arms across my chest to keep my
breasts from flopping around.
At the time, I was wearing an under wire bra. After driving 280 miles across Arkansas on that washboard “boardwalk”, I was
tired, my breasts were very sore and the wire in my bra had
worked it’s way out of the bra on each side poking me in my ribs. So much for that new under wire bra! I cringed a few days later
when I found out that we would have to drive right back across
Arkansas. I decided that I should have a good supporting bra. I ended up getting a sturdy sports bra. It holds my breasts in
tight. The next trip across Arkansas was a lot better. No more
flopping around for my girls! Another problem I had in the truck was the lack of a
bathroom in the truck. Bathroom breaks are few and far between,
especially when you’re fighting a deadline, “on a mission”. I
solved part of the problem by putting a large plastic jug in the truck to pee in. One with a handle and wide-mouth opening is
easiest to use. Although it’s difficult to use on a rough road and it has to be emptied and cleaned from time to time, it sure
beats trying to hold it till we get to a bathroom.
We were driving in bumper to bumper traffic around the Washington beltway during rush hour traffic on a Friday
afternoon. We were doing about ten miles an hour and at times we
came to a complete stop. We were fighting a deadline and like most of the drivers in that break check, we were getting pretty
frustrated. “Break one nine!” A voice came in on the CB. “Come
on break.” Don answered. “What’s the #@&*# is the problem up there northbound?” the driver asked. Another driver answered,
“Well, there’s a guy in the middle of the road up here trying to
shove butter up a bobcats ass with a knitting needle and he’s having a hell of a time.” The vision in my head was too much. I
had to laugh.
Along almost every major highway are small white signs that read: Slower Traffic Keep Right. It seems that a large
percentage of car and truck drivers completely ignore this sign.
At times this can present a real problem not only for truck drivers but for car drivers as well. A car or truck in the
second lane traveling slower than the traffic around it forces
drivers behind him to pass on the right. If there are vehicles in the right lane who are also traveling at a slower rate of
speed it can cause a backup in the flow of traffic. This creates a “rolling road block”. An opportunity for accidents is created
as cars and trucks begin weaving between the lanes trying to get around the slower vehicles. A good way to know if you are
traveling in the right lane of traffic is to see if drivers are
passing you on your right side. If this happens, you should move into the left lane of traffic and drive the speed limit. Let the
other guy get the ticket.
Don has had his share of breakdowns on the road and has encountered many unscrupulous mechanics who try to take advantage
of drivers and trucking companies by gouging the price of their
services. One after noon near Clines Corner, Mew Mexico, a tire blew out on the back of the truck. Don slowed the truck down and
pulled off of the road. Moments later, the driver of a TBS Tire
Service truck, who had been parked at the off ramp like a vulture waiting for his next victim, pulled up behind the truck.
After careful inspection of the damaged tire, the service
man quoted Don a price of $570.00 to change the tire and replace it with a recapped tire. Shocked by the price, Don asked the man
if there was another shop somewhere down the road. The man told
him that the next shop was 75 miles away. Refusing to pay such an exorbitant price, Don decided to try and make it to the next
shop. He only drove twelve miles before finding Lisa’ Truck
Center in Moriarty, New Mexico. They only charged him $187.00. I got my first taste of road rage when we were driving
southbound on Interstate 95. We were about a mile from our exit, which had two lanes. A mobile home mover, “mobile modular
residential commercial transportation relocation technical specialist” and two escorts were in the lane on our right and
were going to take the same exit that we were. We had passed the
mobile home and were riding next to the front escort, which was being driven by a woman. Don got on the CB and asked her if she
would move over to the far right lane so that we could get off at
the exit. She ignored his request and continued to drive in the second lane.
We were unable to pass the escort in time to make the exit
so Don got on the CB and asked the escort driver again to please move over one lane. She looked up at us and continued to ride
that second lane. Finally, with only seconds to the exit ramp,
Don picked up the mike and told the escort driver that he had to get off at this exit and that he was coming over to that lane.
He eased the truck over toward the second lane, forcing the
escort driver into the granny lane. She picked up her mike and started cussing at us, saying that we had tried to run her off
the road.
It infuriated me that she had ignored our requests for her to move over and allow us to use one of the two lanes on the exit
ramp so I picked up the mike and said, “We tried to ask you to
move over and you ignored us. You’re suppose to be a courteous driver and share the road.” She came back and said, “You guys
need to learn how to drive on the highway.” I said, “Just because you have a yellow flashing light on your car doesn’t mean
you own the whole road!” She began calling me some pretty bad names and I returned with much the same for her. I was getting
really mad by now. I picked up the mike and told her to pull
over and I’d be glad to kick her butt. She continued on driving and cussing. I tried several times to get her to pull over but
she wouldn’t do it. Finally, she and the mobile home she was
escorting exited off the road. I continued to fume over the incident for several miles
until I realized that I was experiencing road rage. I giggled at
myself that I had gotten so upset so quickly but now I realized why so many drivers get road rage. A lot of cars and truck
drivers don’t consider the other drivers on the road around them.
They drive as though they are the only ones on the road and sometimes cause the drivers around them to resort to whatever
means necessary to get where they are going.
One summer evening, riding north on highway 4 in Florida, he heard a driver holler over the CB, “Damit boy, would you look at
that!” “What is it driver?” another voice asked. The first
driver said, “There’s a couple in the four wheeler up here. She’ got her head in his lap and she ain’t sleepin’!” “Where are they
at, driver?” I didn’t realize that I was such a voyeur until I
started looking down into cars from the seat of the truck. We could see the four-wheeler that the driver was talking about. It
was a Mustang convertible and the driver appeared to purposely driving next to the truck drivers’ window so that the drivers
would be sure to see what the woman was doing. As we drew closer to the car, I could see the driver stretched out in his seat with
one hand on the wheel and the other lying across the woman’s
back. Her head was bobbing up and down in his lap and there was no doubt as to what was going on. The man drove is car next to
Dons window for several minutes before slowing down to catch the
next truck. “Damit Driver!” We were driving northbound around Atlanta, Ga. when the
terrorists attacked the twin towers in New York. The traffic was
heavy, as usual, and we heard the usual CB talk on the radio when suddenly a driver broke in and said that a plane had flown into a
building in New York. I got up, walked back to the sleeper and
turned on the TV to see if there was anything about the incident on the news and like so many others, I watched in horror as the
second plain hit. Within a couple of hours, the highway started
to empty of traffic. Trucks and four wheelers alike were pulling off of the road to listen to their radios, watch the news on TV
and call to check of friends and family. Some people got out of
their vehicles and stood in shock and amazement while others just cried.
Two weeks later, we had a trip to New York and as we passed
Manhattan, I could see the awful gray smoke still rising from the large crater where the towers once stood. My heart sank and I
felt a deep agonizing ache for all the families who had lost loved ones. American flags had been hung over the road from
overpasses, telephone polls, and in front of houses everywhere we looked. The CB was full of talk about terrorists and many
drivers were watching for possible terrorists in every car and
truck they passed. We could literally feel the wave of patriotism and paranoia spread across the country during the next
few weeks.
We heard a rumor on the CB that after hearing the news about the attack, an Afghani driver in a California truck stop, got out
of his truck and started dancing around and shouting in victory.
It was said that several weeks later, his truck was still in that parking lot but that the driver was nowhere to be found. Now,
I’m not saying that other drivers in that lot could possibly have
had anything to do with the disappearance of that Afghani driver but he should have known he might make somebody mad.
It was the last week of December 2001. The tragedy of the
9-11 terrorist attack was still quite fresh in our minds. We were driving north on highway 7 in Connecticut at about three
o’clock in the morning. The road was nearly empty of traffic.
We hadn’t heard anything on the CB radio for a couple of hours and all seemed quiet except for the sounds of the truck rolling
down the road and the stereo playing softly in the background.
Suddenly, we heard something hit the truck and felt the truck rock sharply. We looked around but couldn’t tell what had caused
the truck to rock the way it did. Then we noticed the bullet hole in the windshield on the drivers’ side.
It looked as though it may have been a 22-caliber slug that hit the windshield. We saw that the bullet had not quite
penetrated through all of the layers of glass and realized that
if it had gone all the way through, it would have hit Don right in the face. We pulled off into a truck service plaza and called
the police but they were unable to find the person who shot at
us. The incident shook us up for a while but we had to go on to make our appointment.
A few weeks later, we were driving southbound on highway 71 heading toward Cincinnati, OH. It was a dark night and traffic
began to get heavy as we got closer to the city. Just ahead of
us, we saw a small four-wheeler pull off onto the shoulder of the road. A man got out of the car and began walking toward the
oncoming traffic. We realized that he was walking into the road
and appeared to be walking right into the front of our truck. At the last moment Don pulled over and avoided the man. He quickly
picked up the microphone to warn drivers behind us. A driver
behind us said, “Whoa, that was close! I almost hit him!” For several minutes we heard drivers behind us talking about the man.
He was continuing to try to throw himself in front of a truck.
Finally, we heard that a car had hit the man and that several others had been hurt and killed in the mishap. Chapter Three

Big Boys with Big Toys

Trucks come in all shapes, sizes, styles and types. Most
have manual transmissions with as many as eighteen speeds including split gears which are high and low settings on those
gears. Some manufacturers are producing trucks with automatic
transmissions, which are easier to drive but are considered to be less of a truck by the long time drivers, many of whom started
out driving trucks with manual breaks, steering and no air
conditioning. A “one stack Mack with a window in the back”, describes a
Mack “day-cab” truck. Generally intended for day-time driving,
day-cabs are generally “Cab-Overs” which means the cab of the
truck actually sits over the engine and they don’t have sleeping compartments. That’s a tight squeeze for some of the larger
drivers.
The next step up is a truck with a crawl-in sleeper. There is no room to stand up in a crawl-in and the driver usually has
to climb over the engine to get into the sleeper, which is little
larger than a coffin and has little storage space. These trucks are generally used to transport freight within a three of four
state area that keeps the driver out for only two or three days.
In walk-in sleepers and studio sleepers, you can stand up and even walk a step or two. Many walk-ins and studios are equipped with closet space, storage compartments and small refrigerators. A specially modified truck with a stretched wheel base may have a large living quarters with a sink, shower and
toilet much like a self contained motor home.
There are many different models of semi-trucks on the road. Most truck manufacturers have a large line of styles ranging from
day-cabs to top of the line studio sleepers and for the right
price, the manufacturer will build a truck to the owners’ specifications including a kitchen area, shower, toilet and much
more. We saw one in Texas that had Parkey flooring, plush
carpeting on the walls and ceiling and a beautiful mural painted on the outside.
Of course drivers have come up with CB slang names for the
different model trucks. Frieghtliners are referred to as “Frieghtshakers”. While Peterbilt trucks are called “Petercars”
and Kenworth trucks are called “K Whoppers” or “Kitty Whoppers”.
I guess the funniest one I heard would be for Volvo. Somewhere along the way somebody found out the word “Volvo” is Swedish for
penis. So now they call it a “Dick”. I have heard a few drivers
take a chiding… “Hey driver, are you ridin’ that Dick hard?” or “Don’t go strokin’ that thing too fast now driver!”
Most semi-truck engines are built to pull heavy loads up to
81,000 pounds and can travel at speeds of 75 to 120 miles per hour. “Driver, I’m proceeding at a ridiculous rate of fuel
consumption!” The fuel tanks on many truck can hold 200 hundred gallons or more and get between 4 ½ to 6 miles per gallon. Many
trucks today are equipped with pollution control devices and there is a move by manufacturers to produce cleaner burning, more
efficient engines.
Many companies have their fleet trucks “castrated” by having them hooked up to a computer and adjusted so that the trucks will
only run 68 miles an hour top speed before the engine shuts down.
Still other companies have transponders and laptop computers on their trucks that record distance, speed and location of the
trucks and allow the company dispatchers to communicate with the
drivers at any given time. It’s kind of like having a leash on the trucks and in fact, many drivers refer to their trucks as
“Dogs”. As for us, our truck has not been “castrated” and we
don’t have a leash. At one point a few years ago, we owned four trucks. Don
drove one of the trucks and we hired three other drivers. Now,
it’s hard enough to take care of one truck with all the expense of fuel, payments, tags, taxes, maintenance and upkeep plus
running it enough to make a profit. But when you have several
trucks, you have to find and keep good drivers who can be trusted to take good care of your truck. We found one driver who took
things just a little too far.
“Bugs”, as he called himself, drove one of our trucks for a while. He was a tall good-looking man with a big grin and a good
driver but he spent a lot of time cleaning the truck. In fact, he wanted to wash it every two or three days. Running a big rig
through a truck wash can cost anywhere from $35. to $50. or more. We would pay for two truck washes a month. The rest Bugs would
pay himself. He would get up early some mornings and dry the dew
off of the truck before driving down the road, which often made him late for his appointment. He would go into chrome shops and
buy decorative accessories for the truck and spend so much money
that he would have to call in for an advance on his check to have money to eat on. And it wasn’t even his truck!
Another driver had a long hared dog that road with him in
the truck. Now, many drivers carry dogs with them in the truck because dogs make good company but they are usually small breeds
and most of the time, the drivers are very good about stopping to
walk their dogs and clean up after them. After he left us, I had to clean the truck he had been driving. As I climbed in to the
truck to clean, the odor hit me. There was a thick coat of long
dog hair everywhere and as I looked around I noticed a small brown pile on the floor of the sleeper. Apparently the driver
neglected to walk his dog on a regular basis.
Most of the drivers that we hired were pretty good fellows for the most part but it’s difficult for a small owner/operator
to compete with big companies for drivers. We were lucky to find
a few local drivers but we couldn’t keep them for long. A large company can offer drivers a good percentage or salary plus low
cost insurance and retirement plans with group rates but a man who owns only a few trucks can’t afford to offer his drivers much
more than a job. The majority of drivers work for large trucking companies
that have dispatchers who coordinate loads to get them from one
place to another. The company pays the driver in a company truck either a percentage of what the load pays or a flat cent per mile
rate. The company will also pay for truck tags, insurance,
maintenance, fuel and tolls. A driver who owns his own truck leases in with a company and will be paid a larger percentage or
mileage rate but has to pay for his own tags, insurance,
maintenance, fuel and tolls. The trucking company generally furnishes the trailers although an owner/operator may have his
own trailer and is paid a little more for its’ use. Either way,
the company usually makes most of the money. The company may have it’s own product to ship out or the
dispatcher might call a broker who has access to multiple
companies and loads across the country. A driver in south Florida might load oranges going to Virginia. Then he will call
his dispatcher who will send him to pick up a load in Baltimore,
Maryland which is bound for Ohio. The dispatcher will look for loads coming out of Ohio going to one of the company plants in
Texas. From there, the driver will probably go right back to
Florida. We have loaded peanuts to Texas from Georgia only to turn right around and load peanuts going back to Georgia.
Our truck is a Kenworth and has a large studio sleeper. It’s pretty big inside and has a couch that folds out to make a
bed. Some trucks are equipped with very large interiors and have toilets, showers, and kitchen areas. That’s the kind of truck a
driver can live in! Some drivers dress their trucks up and
compete in national truck competitions. The fancier trucks are decorated with elaborate paint jobs, murals, “chicken lights” or
auxiliary lights and as many chrome accessories as possible.
Some drivers put large train horns on their trucks. Talk about all the bells and whistles! “Yeah driver, I’m styling and
profiling, looking ever so cool sitting on the stool of my store
bought large car! 10-4?” There are all kinds of trailers being pulled behind those
trucks. The most familiar so probably the “Dry Box” is used for
hauling dry durable goods like furniture, canned goods and other materials for manufacturing and retail. Refrigerated trailers
have on-board cooling systems that can be set at the desired
temperature for the products being shipped. Produce is often hauled in a refrigerated trailer and they are often called
“Garbage Wagons”.
“Covered Wagons” are open-top trailers, which are used to transport grain, wood chips or other loose dry material. These
trailers are supposed to be covered with tarps when they are
loaded to prevent loose materials from flying out onto the road. Flat bed trailers are just that, flat open trailers. Often, the
freight has to be strapped down and tarped to secure and protect it from the weather. Log truck trailers are “Flat Beds” with
support poles along the side of the trailer. The logs are generally strapped down but one can’t be too careful about
driving around them.
“Drop Decks”, “Double Drops, and “Skate Boards” describe open trailers with different levels. A “Drop Deck” has two
levels, the “Doubled Drop” has three levels like stairs and the
“Skate Board” has three levels; the first one drops down to the second level and back up to the third. There are stretched out
versions of these trailers that are designed to haul large pieces
of industrial equipment and generally have to have an escort on the road because of their large size.
Sometimes you’ll see trucks pulling two or three “Dry Box”
trailers hooked together in tandem. Also called “Wiggle Wagons”, they are a little more difficult to pull, maneuver and almost
impossible to back up. It’s best to be especially careful when
driving around “Wiggle Wagons”. They were given that name for a good reason.
Mobile home movers or “Shanty Shakers” are only allowed to
move during daylight hours. They transport 14’ to 16’ wide mobile homes components. They are generally escorted down the
highway due to the width of the mobile homes and will have
banners or signs on the trucks that say “Oversized Load”. “Shanty Shakers” are also called “Mobile Modular Residential
Commercial Transportation Relocation Technical Specialist”. That is a mouthful to say on the CB.
Another type of trailer is the “Parking Lot”. These trailers are designed to haul cars, trucks and vans. Some will
be taken to car lots but many of the cars belong to “Snow Birds”
who move north or south according to the weather and have their vehicles transported to summer or winter homes. It can be a
lucrative business just moving cars for “Snow Birds” for a driver
with his own “Parking Lot”. Trucks can be driven by a single driver or by a team. A
driver can log up to ten hours of driving time per day. Some
companies employ teams of two drivers who can keep trucks in motion trading off driving time. It can be difficult to be in a
truck with someone for long periods at a time. The cab of a
truck is a small place and a team of two drivers has to be able to get along together in the truck for days or weeks at a time.
Man and wife teams are very common these days. One lady we
know quit her job working in a local shop and went to a large trucking company who put her through driving school for three
weeks. After she got her license, her husband went to the
school, got his license and got into the truck with his wife. Now, they drive across the country together. Chapter Four

Bears

“Lovingly” referred to as “Bears” because they tend to hide
behind bushes while scanning radar for speeders; the law
enforcement officers of this country have a dangerous and
difficult job. Although most drivers appreciate the need for law enforcement and don’t like getting caught by the bears, they sure
wouldn’t want to be out on the road without them.
Bears are an obstacle to avoid and a main staple for trucker slang. They have been given a number of cute names such as “City
Kitties”, “Local Yokels”, “County Mounties”, “Super Troopers”,
“Care Bears”, “Bears in the air”, “Boy Scouts”, “She Bears”, “Huney Bears”, “Bears on Four Legs” and “Crotch Rocket Cops”.
These are some of the nicer names that drivers use to describe
police officers. “City Kitties” and “Local Yokels” are local city police and
usually don’t patrol interstate highways. However they can
station themselves at on and off ramps with radar guns. “Break one nine, northbound. You’ve got a city kitty shootin’ you in
the back at the 15.” “Yeah, driver, they must be trying to
raise Krispy Kream money.” “County Mounties” are county sheriff’s deputies who patrol
county streets and highways. County Mounties have a little more
authority and can patrol larger areas than city police. They also work as backup for state and local law enforcement.
“Super Troopers” are state police. They patrol the highways and are available to help support local, city and county law
enforcement. While “City Kitties”, “County Mounties”, and “Super
Troopers” are fully capable of pulling over a big rig, their authority only goes so far. They can give a driver a speeding
ticket or other moving violation but they don’t have the
automatic right to look at the logbook or search the truck. That’s where the DOT (Department of Transportation) officer comes
in.
A state DOT officer or “sure ‘nough full grown bear” generally checks for safety violations. His inspection might
include the overall condition of the rig and trailer, cargo,
weight, tire condition, lights, breaks, logbooks, and even the driver himself if he thinks the driver may be driving under an
impaired condition. At which point the officer can administer a
“Whiz Quiz” or drug test. That’s what they mean by “Checkin’ your chickens”.
The DOT has the authority to check the logbook, the truck
and or the driver himself to for any potential violation. However, if the driver believes that he is being unfairly stopped
or ticketed, he can call the federal marshal or “Big Dog” to
resolve the problem although that is no guarantee that the driver won’t get a ticket.
“Care Bears” can be local, county or state police who sit in and around construction sites to provide protection for road
workers and prevent or catch speeders and other law breakers. Sometimes they just leave empty patrol cars with their lights
flashing in these areas. It’s hard to tell whether or not the
patrol car is empty so it’s a pretty effective deterrent. “Bears in the air” refers to officers in helicopters. Also
known as “Eyes in the sky”, they generally fly over high traffic
areas to watch for speeders and “aggressive drivers”. The other extreme is an officer on horseback or “Bear on Four Legs” and
also motorcycle officers or “Crotch Rocket Cops”. Police in
unmarked cars are called “Plain Wrappers”. “You got a “Plain red Wrapper” at the 35. He’s flashin’ and dashin’ in the hammer lane
coming up behind you southbound”.
Oh, and let’s not forget the “Huney Bears” and “She Bears” who are female officers. However, there is a distinction between
the two. "She Bears” are just regular female officers but the
“Huney Bear” is an attractive female officer. Don’t let the fact that they are females fool you. They can pull you over and give
you a ticket as well as any male officer can.
“Feeding the bears” or getting speeding tickets is very common for truck drivers. Most drivers who get a ticket usually
deserve them though; there are some exceptions. Drivers are
often in a hurry and the bears are out there watching for them. The best thing for a driver who gets ticketed frequently, whether
they deserve it or not, is to find a lawyer in the county where he got the ticket and have the lawyer “work out a deal” with the
judge. Generally, they will reduce the charge and impose a small fine. Paying a lawyer may seem costly for a speeding ticket but
it will keep points off of a drivers’ license. Ether way…the
driver pays. When I met Don, he already had a long history of getting
speeding tickets. It seemed that I was sending fines off every
week or so. I looked closely at his right shoe to see if there were any lead weights in it. It didn’t do any good to fuss at
him about it. He was just trying to get where he was suppose to
be when he was supposed to be there. He has had to take a defensive driving course a time or two in order to keep the
points off of his license. He tries to avoid tickets and has
gotten better about speeding these days. Sometimes drivers will “Shake the bushes”. A northbound
driver is in a hurry. “How about ya’ southbound, what did you
leave behind you?” “You got a local yokel shootin’ you in the back at the 25 and some care bears in the destruction zone at the
58, northbound. The chicken coops were closed when I came
through.” “Preeshaydit, southbound. I’m traveling at a ridiculous rate of fuel consumption and I ain’t seen nothin’ back
that away.”
Accidents or “incidents” as they are generally referred to, are the biggest concern for anyone on the road. The October 2002
issue of Land Line magazine quotes a statistic from an AAA Foundation study which shows that 98 percent of driver fatalities
in car-truck crashes are primarily because of the differences in the size of the vehicles. About 80 percent of the car drivers
had at least one unsafe driving act recorded compared to 27
percent of truck drivers. Each driver could have up to four unsafe driving acts recorded and if you look at all of these
unsafe actions, 75 percent were linked to car drivers and 25
percent were linked to truck drivers. I can understand why the statistics point toward the
difference in size as being a primary cause for accidents. As I
ride in the passenger seat of this big truck, I see small cars slip up along side and disappear in front of the truck. Then all
I could see was the tip of the radio antenna. That is a bad
place for a car to be especially if there is a sudden stop. A truck driving 55 MPH can take 100 feet or more to come to a
complete stop. The general rule of thumb if you are in a car is
if you can’t see the driver in the truck or in his mirrors, he can’t see you.
A common mistake that car drivers make is trying to make a
right hand turn by a truck that is also making a right hand turn. Almost all trailers display a sign on the back the reads, “This
Truck Makes Wide Turns”. Semi-trucks must make a wide swing into
the intersection to make right turns. We were riding behind a truck turning right at an intersection and watched as the driver
of a nice BMW pull up into the turning lane just as the truck was swinging around to make his turn. For the driver, it was too
late. The back wheels of the trailer rolled all over the hood of the car. Fortunately, no one was hurt but the driver of the BMW
learned a hard lesson that day.
Another thing that drivers have to deal with is the logbook. Often referred to a “comic book”, the logbook is a detailed
record of the drivers’ time on the road. A driver is only
suppose to drive a total of ten hours before he has to stop and go into the sleeper. Ninety percent of the records in the
average logbook is a total lie. All too often, a driver can’t
make his appointment in the time allotted. He either has to lie in the logbook or miss his appointment, which means he will
probably miss the next load out and that means loosing money.
However, if he gets caught falsifying a logbook, the DOT (Department of transportation) officer or “sure enough full-grown
bear” will write a big ticket with fines that start at about
$1000. Then the officer will check out the truck and write tickets for anything that isn’t up to standards. That driver
will end up paying thousands of dollars in fines before he’s
through. Just south of Donalson, Georgia; on Highway 84 is a stretch
of road, which has been patrolled for more than a decade by a
bear who goes by the handle “Speed Buggy”. There is a crude hand made sign on the side of the road about a mile ahead of his
patrol area that reads “Speed Trap!” The speed limit drops quickly from 65 to 45 miles an hour in the next mile. Then, just
over the hill, he waits for his next victim. Many truck drivers have been pulled over by “Speed Buggy” and he has earned a
reputation for being relentless in his pursuit of speeders. His
son has since joined the force and the drivers are calling him “Speed Buggy Jr.”, although I don’t think he appreciates the
handle much.
“Break one nine. How about ya’ eastbound, What did you leave behind you?” “Westbound, you got bears wall to wall in the
next fifteen miles. The chicken coops are open for business and
they are checkin’ your chickens so, you might want to catch your comic book up.” Personally, I never even notice weigh stations
or “chicken coops” before I got into this truck. Most states
have them stationed near state lines and there are mobile units that can be set up anywhere on the road.
There are laws that govern the CB radio. The FCC or Federal
Communications Commission “Friendly Candy Company” is an independent US government agency, directly responsible to
Congress and is charged with regulating interstate and
international communications by radio, television, wire, satellite and cable. At first, users were required to obtain a
CB radio license and call letters from the FCC to operate a CB
radio. However, the FCC was flooded with requests for CB radio licenses that they finally abandoned formal licensing and allowed
operators to buy CB radio equipment and go on the air without any license or call letters.
Although no license is required to operate a CB radio, FCC Laws Part 95, Subpart D, which contains the FCC's rules for CB radio
operation, are still in effect. These rules cover CB radio
equipment, the ban on linear amplifiers, and the types of communications permitted on the air. Despite the FCC rules and
regulations, drivers find ways to obtain linear amplifiers and
other equipment to increase out-put on their radios. CB radio channel 9 may be used only for emergency
communications or for traveler's assistance. The Radio Emergency
Associated Communications Teams (REACT) is a non-profit public service organization comprised of volunteers throughout the
United States who monitor channel 9. They do an excellent job of
guarding CB Radio Channel 9 specifically for emergencies or requests for directions. Its members can take advantage of REACT
headquarters programs, which include group insurance,
conventions, team newsletters, and special CB Radio equipment discounts.
Trucker Buddy is a non-profit organization dedicated to
educating and mentoring school children about the trucking industry. Trucker Buddy matches up professional truck drivers
with classes of children in grades 2-8. The drivers develop
relationships as pen-pals with the children writing them weekly with news about their travels and provide a format for the
enhancement of the grade school curriculum in reading, writing, geography, mathematics, social studies and history. Since 1992,
Trucker Buddy has helped to educate over a half million school children and introduce them to a caring, compassionate group of
men and women, the nations’ professional truck drivers.
Along most of I75 in Georgia just south of Atlanta, Georgia, the third lane is restricted to big trucks. We were in
the second lane and noticed a car “four wheeler” about to come
onto the road from an off ramp. There were trucks and cars in both the right lane and middle lanes so we pulled over to the
third lane to allow the other vehicles to pull over and give the
driver of the four wheeler to come safely onto the road. We tried to get back out of the third lane as quickly as we could
but it took some time for the other drivers to make room for us
and while we were trying to get over, we noticed a City Kitty with his “gum ball machine” flashing behind us.
We pulled over to the side of the road and Don got out to
talk with the officer. I could see him in the rear view mirror and I could tell he was getting upset as he tried to explain what
happened. A few moments later, Don and the officer walked up to
my side of the truck and Don asked me for the registration card from the glove box. I could hear him cussing that officer saying
that he was only trying to avoid an accident. I could see the
officers’ face as he listened to what Don had to say but he continued to write the ticket. I prayed that Don would calm
down. I was afraid that he might be arrested. Finally the officer said, “Sir, if you’ll just let me finish writing this
out, I’ll get out of your way!” We went to court about that ticket thinking that we could
simply explain the circumstances to the judge and that he might
understand and make an exception in our case. What a joke! Court was held in a broken down old school house cafeteria. The
judges’ bench was a large piece of plywood laying across an old
table. There were only about five cases being heard that morning and ours was the last. We noticed that there were about six
officers that came into the room just before our case was to be
heard. I thought to myself, in a town as small as Byron, Georgia is, this must be their entire police force in that courtroom.
When our case was called, the officers all gathered around
behind us. We explained the situation to the judge but he acted as though we hadn’t said anything at all. Finally, he ruled
guilty and set the fine at $91.50. We asked the judge to please
try to keep the points off of Dons’ license but he started talking to one of the officers, totally ignoring us.
Infuriated, Don left the courtroom saying that this must be
one of them “kangaroo” courts and I stayed to pay the fine. I saw several of the officers follow him out and watch as he got
into his truck. After I paid the fine, all except the 50 cents
because the clerk didn’t have change, I went through the kitchen of the old cafeteria and out the back door. As I walked back to
the truck, I turned around and noticed the officers as they poked their heads around the corner one by one. They watched us until
we left the parking lot. It was then that we realized that they must have thought that Don was going to cause a problem and they
might need to restrain him. After that incident, we decided to
just hire local lawyers to handle these things. It’s expensive but better than the headaches. Chapter Five

Truck Stops and Pickle Parks

There are hundreds of truck stops across America. Many
years ago, the few truck stops along the road were small, dirty
and offered little comfort to drivers. These days they range in size from simple roadside fuel stops and truck service centers to
full service truck stops, which are more like shopping malls.
Some of the larger truck stops include convenience stores, hotel rooms, restaurants, showers, barber shops, laundromats, movie
theaters and much more. I have even heard that Wal-Mart has it’s
own truck stop in Virginia. Although I understand it’s just a Wal-Mart that allows truck drivers to park in their lot, I still
can’t wait to see that one. OK, I‘ll admit it. I am a Wal-Mart
junkie. Most truck stops have large parking lots and in most cases, the parking is free. A driver, who is laid over for one reason
or another, can park his truck in one of these lots for a few hours, days or even weeks at a time. Pulling a big rig through
the lot, a driver locates a space he can get into and depending
one how experienced he is, he might back right into that space or it might take him two or three tries. “How bout you driver? You
need some help backin’ up that big truck?” “Yeah, he needs to
spray some Pam on the sides of that thing so he can slide it on in there, Roger?” “Maybe you’d like to come show me how driver!”
“Somebody needs to show you something!” “Damn! That “juvenile
delinquent” just tore the bumper off my truck.” After a nap, a driver can go in to the truck stop to get a
bite to eat. Eating at truck stop café’s can be a little like
playing Russian Roulette. Sometimes, the food is great and you try to remember where those places are but sometimes what you get
is over cooked, undercooked or just plain rotten. Don and I have
seen our fair share of food poisoning and I can tell you from personal experience: There is nothing more miserable than being
sick while your riding down the road. After eating some bad hash
browns in Memphis, TN, I was bent over a trash bucket throwing up and wondering if I was going to need a bucket for my other end!
We have a refrigerator, microwave and coffeepot in our truck
along with a satellite dish and TV with VCR. We keep the truck stocked with food and generally eat hot sandwiches, soups and
other microwave dishes on the road. However, it’s nice to have a good hot meal once in a while. So, we keep our eyes peeled for a
good truck stop café’. We were sitting at a booth in one of these truck stop cafés when we heard the desk clerk announce over
the intercom system, “J B Hunt, party of five, your shower is
ready!” Many truck stops have showers with full-time attendants who
clean the shower rooms and restock them with soap and paper.
Sometimes you have to leave a deposit for the towels but you can get extra towels if you ask for them. Don and I share a shower
and we generally ask the desk clerk for a shower for two. Some
the better truck stops have nice large shower rooms with duel shower heads, heat lamps and hair dryers installed but we’ve been
in a few that were so small, you’d have to go outside to change
your mind! We have squeezed two people into a space barely big enough for one and managed to wash the day off so we could get
back on the road.
Many truck stops offer TV and telephone hook up services for a small fee so drivers can watch TV and stay in touch with their
families. Or, the driver might decide to go inside to the video
arcade to pass the time. Some of these places have slot machines as well as a variety of money eating gaming and vending machines.
While he’s there, the driver can get his haircut, have his boots
shined and talk to other drivers while he washes and dries his clothes. After a while, he’ll go back to his truck and turn on
the CB radio to listen to the chatter. “Commercial company on 23”, a female voice called.
“Commercial company?” I asked as Don sat down on the couch in the back of the cab. “That’s a lot lizard.” He began, “ They also
call them recreational reptiles.” Now I was confused. “What’s a
lot lizard?” I asked. “A lot lizard is a prostitute who works in truck stop parking lots.” He said. “And she’s advertising on
channel 23?” I asked. “Yes,” he said, “they generally use
channel 23.” Out of curiosity, I turned to channel 23 and listened. “You there commercial?” a man’s voice asked. “You got
Sunshine here!” a female voice answered. “What’s your twenty
Sunshine?” the driver asked. “I’m back here on the party row. Where are you?” she replied. I found out that the party row is
generally the last row of parking spaces in a truck stop and
that’s where the lot lizards hang out although, they will go anywhere on the lot to “work”. “I’m back here on the party row
in a green Pete.” he said. “What are you looking for tonight
driver?” she asked. “What ever I can get!” he said. “OK, I’ll be over there in a few minutes. 10-4?” A few moments later, we
saw a young woman walk across the parking lot toward the back row
where she knocked on the door of one of the trucks. Prostitution is actually legal in a few places like Las
Vegas where it has become a regulated tax paying industry. But,
for most of the country it is still alive, well and illegal not only on dimly lit street corners in the big cities but in the
trucking business as well. In some states, if a man is caught taking the services of a prostitute, that state will send a copy
of the arrest warrant to the driver’s home address. We heard one driver on the CB telling another that he sure hoped that he got
home before the “old lady” saw that paper.
I turned the CB back to 19 to see what else might be going on. Along with the usual conversations about who has what load
and where they are going, I heard a driver trying to sell some
tools and another one trying to sell videos. I looked back at Don and asked, “They are selling those things pretty cheap aren’t
they?” “Yeah, they call that “singing a sonnet.” They’re
probably broke and trying to raise a little cash but some drivers sell stuff like radio equipment, chrome polish or even drugs over
the CB as a sideline to make extra money.
A few minutes later I heard a couple of drivers talking. “How bout’ ya, Spanky. You got your ears on?” “This is Spanky.
Come on.” “This is Bootleg. Is that you by that “Ballet
Dancer?” “Yeah, he’s got commercial company in the there and they’ve been at it for a while now.” I could see the truck they
were talking about. The antenna of that truck swayed wildly back
and forth. I can understand why they called it a “Ballet dancer”.
It was about two in the morning. Don and I were sleeping in
the bunk when suddenly there was a loud knock on the door of the cab. Don got up to look out the window. He rolled the window
down and women’s voice said, “Do you need some company tonight driver?” “No,” he said “I’ve got my wife in here with me.”
“Well, does she want some company tonight?” she asked. Don looked over to me and I shook my head no and laughed. “She must
be one of those full service lot lizards.” I said. “Well, let me
know if you change your mind.” she said, “Just call for Precious on channel 23.”
We pulled into a truck stop in Elkton, Maryland one late
spring afternoon and laid down to take a nap. About the time we had gotten to sleep, we heard a loud knock on the door of the
truck. Don got up to see who it was. When he opened the window,
a female voice asked if she could come in out of the cold. It was about 70 degrees that day but Don, half asleep, told the
woman to come in. She sat in the passenger seat and started
talking to Don about the problems she and her husband were having trying to raise money for the trip home. I turned over to see
what was going on. When she looked back into the sleeper and saw
me, she quickly said that she had made a mistake and jumped out of the truck.
Don and I were both a little confused about our visitor. If
she was trying to help her husband raise money, why did she stop and jump out of the truck when she saw me? We decided that she
couldn’t be a lot lizard because we were parked in a secure lot
with a chain link fence and security guards who don’t allow lot lizards or anyone who isn’t in a truck onto the lot. We wondered
if she was in fact an undercover cop trying to catch drivers who might employ commercial company.
An alternative to the truck stop is the rest area. Generally referred to as a “Pickle Park”, the average rest area
has little more than a parking place, a bathroom, telephone and
vending machines. We’ve encountered a few homeless people at some of these Pickle Parks. One young couple whose car had broke
down had camped out at the rest area. We watched as the young
woman dressed in a tight pair of short shorts walked over to a water spigot with her towel and shampoo in hand. She bent over
holding her head under the water. I watched several drivers in
nearby trucks pressing their noses against their windshields as she bent low with her back to them. It was as though she was
deliberately putting on a show for those drivers. After a few
minutes, one of the drivers walked up to the young woman and began talking to her. A short time later, they both walked back
to his truck. “I guess she was advertising wasn’t she?” I asked.
Don just nodded. There are many rest areas that have no facilities. These
rest areas are often called “peter pleasing pickle parks” because
bisexual and homosexual men often hang around them looking for sex partners. We pulled into one of these so-called “peter
pleasing pickle parks” late one afternoon to take a nap.
As I hung the curtain on the windshield, I noticed that a small car parked in front of us was flashing his parking lights.
I turned and asked Don, “Do you think that man needs help?” Don turned to me smiling as he said, “Oh, yes, he needs help all
right, but not the kind of help you’re thinking about.” A few moments later, another truck pulled into the parking lot and once
again the driver of the little four-wheeler flashed his parking
lights. Then I noticed that the truck driver was flashing his parking lights. They flashed their parking lights at each other
a couple of times and then the driver of the four-wheeler got out
of his car and walked into the nearby woods. Minutes later, the truck driver got out of his truck and followed the young man into
the woods.
I saw the same scene repeated a couple more times. Each time the young man would flash his lights at the cars or trucks
pulling into the rest area. A willing driver would flash his
lights back to the man in the four-wheeler, then get out of his car, and walk the same path into the woods.
After watching the young man go back into the wood a few
times I said, “That man has gone back into the woods several times now. He must have eaten something bad.” Don said, “No,
he’s doing something else back there.” “What do you mean?” I
asked. “Do you see the drivers following him into the woods?" he asked. “Yes!” I said. I was a little naïve about this sort of
thing at the time. After a moment I asked, “Are they doing what
I think they are doing?” He turned to me and nodded as he said, “He’s washing weenies back there.” “Washing weenies?” I asked.
He nodded again. “You mean that they are performing sexual favors for each other?” I asked. “Yep! He’s a sidewalk weenie
washer.” He said with a smile. I noticed another four-wheeler pull up into the parking lot
and start flashing his parking lights. They seemed like well
dressed young men and I could see a car seat in the back seat of one of the cars. I wondered if these men were married and had
children. “They come here after work to satisfy their sexual
needs and then go home to their families and friends.” Don started as he crawled into the bunk. “They lead a secret life
out here.”
Occasionally we find a small café’ or Bar-B-Que place that has truck parking. We had just eaten at one such place and had
crawled back into the truck when we noticed a young black woman
crawling out from under a trailer parked nearby. She quickly ran over to a nearby car and jumped into the passenger’s seat. We
watched as the car sped out of the parking lot and down the
street. Moments later, a driver came around the side of the truck that the woman had crawled under. He went quickly around
the lot looking back and forth but she was long gone. Don
chuckled and said, “I bet that lizard just got his wallet!” I smiled and said, “Well, I guess “lizards” can be hazardous in
more ways than one!”
Riding down the highway, I pick up my guitar and strum a tune. As I keep time with the beat of the truck and harmonize
with the hum of the engine, I realize that the truck has a rhythm all it’s own…the rhythm of the road itself. The story doesn’t
end here because every time I get into the cab of the truck, I find something new or different. The adventure has educated and
inspired me and I hope that my story has done the same for you.
“Eight’s and Eight’s” Ya’ll. 10-4? Chapter Six

Jokes

Long hours of monotonous driving can make any driver sleepy
and drivers often listen to the CB to help them stay awake. Most
of what’s heard on the CB is dull conversation between drivers
about their destination, traffic or other truck drivers but occasionally you hear a joke or two. The following are some of
the jokes I’ve collected from various sources.
A driver has a CB radio in his truck but it’s a “Mud duck”
and doesn’t work very well so, he buys himself another one. When
he keys up his mike, he’s steppin' on drivers for miles around. But, he’s not satisfied so he has the new radio souped up tweaked
out and installs a high powered antenna. When he keys up the
mike, lightening bolts shoot from the antenna. He yells, “Oh God!” A small voice comes back on the radio, “Come in!” What’s the difference between a truck drivers boots and cowboy boots? Cowboy boots have the bullshit on the outside.
Driving down the road to make his delivery, a driver sees four naked old women laying on the grass in front of a retirement
home. He thought it was kind of unusual but continued on to
deliver his load. On his way back through town, he sees the same four old naked women lying on the grass in front of the
retirement home. This time he decides to stop. He goes into the
building and asks the director: “Do you know you’ve got four naked old women laying on the grass out front?” The director
turns to him and says: “Yes, they are retired prostitutes and
they are trying to have a yard sale.”
Why aren’t truckers allowed at McDonalds any more? They
keep getting hurt on the playground equipment.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign
comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck
under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car
comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck
huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas"
3 truckers die and go to heaven, they are standing in front of St. Peter. St. Peter says "Oh Man I made a big mistake, you
guys weren’t supposed to be here yet". Tell you what, you guys
can go back and be whatever you want to be. The first driver says he wants to be a movie star, because they are pampered. St.
Peter says “Ok, go ahead and jump and yell MOVIE STAR on your way
down. So the first driver does. The second driver says he wants to be a race car driver, he likes to drive fast. St. Peter tells
him to go ahead and do the same thing and yell RACE CAR DRIVER as
he jumps. Now comes the third fellow, he wants to be a BOUNTY HUNTER. St. Peter says go ahead and jump. While running for the
door the guy trips, on the way down he is yelling “OH! SHIT!”
A trucker comes home to find his wife rubbing her boobs with
lemon, he asks what on earth are you doing? She says I heard if
you rub em with lemon, they get bigger. He says well, then why don’t you use toilet paper? Toilet paper? She asks. He says
yeah, you’ve been wiping your butt with it all these years, and
look how big it’s gotten... The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a
country lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he
could see was a faint light in the distance, so he headed towards it. He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door.
"Hello," he says, "I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck has broken down. I wonder could I have a bed for the
night?" "Well," says the farmer, "there's only two rooms, myself and the wife in one, and my young daughter in the other."
"Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want
is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house," says the greatest truck driver in the world. "Okay,"
says the farmer, and they all went to bed. At four in the
morning, the farmer hears the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up, looked in, and there was the greatest truck
driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with his bare
ass going up and down. The farmer went downstairs and loaded the shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the
greatest truck driver in the world's butt. "Okay," he says, "if
you're the greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of there with a full load!"
What is the difference between a well mannered, non-sexist, male truck driver and The Yeti? There is a small chance that The
Yeti exists!
They say truck drivers like fat girls because when they bend
over their ass looks like a fifth wheel. They just want to hook
up!
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the
job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he his
interviewed by an assessor. Assessor: I see you work with radio
active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: All right then, does your employer
take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker:
Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That's
lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste
itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this
straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the
radioactive waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that’s right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can't see how you could
claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I'm not. I
claiming for lead poisoning.
1st. Lady Truck Driver: "If men are suppose to be the more
efficient, hard-working, and reliable of the two sexes then why do they name their pride & joy trucks after women." 2nd. Lady
Trucker Driver: "Oh that's easy. You see, if she is fit and well
he can just sit on his backside and enjoy the ride as she carries him and his load everywhere. But if she has a breakdown through
lack of maintenance and too much hard-work he can kick her and blame her for all of his troubles. Of course, all of the time he
will be keeping his eyes open for a younger, sleeker model."
A 72-year-old man goes to his wife and tells her he plans to
go to the doctor to get some Viagra. She drops what she’s doing and heads for the door. He asks her, “Where do you think you’re
going?” She says, “I’m going to get a tetanus shot if you’re
going to get that rusty old thing up.”
One driver asks another, “Is there a restaurant where you can eat up
at this truck stop?” The other driver responds, “No, it’s just a restaurant.”
A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchhiking. They climbed
into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the
highway. A few minutes later, the first fag said. "Excuse me, but I have to fart." He held his breath, then the truck driver
heard a low "Hsssssss." A few miles down the road, the second
fag announced, "Excuse me, but I have to fart." The announcement was followed by another low "Hsssssss." "Christ!" the truck
driver exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart like men. Listen
to this." A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine gun burst from his arse. "Ohhh!" one fag exclaimed, turning to
the other. "You know what we have here, Bruce? A real virgin! A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a
priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest
and give him a ride. A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct
course toward the lawyer. Then he thought “Oh no, I have a
priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer!” At the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer but, the
driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his
rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said “Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the
side of the road”. The priest said “Don't worry son, I got him
with my door.”
I use to think that my daddy ate light bulbs because every
night I could hear him tell momma: “Turn off that light and I’ll eat that thing.”
A truck driver was pulled over by a state trooper. The patrolman asked him to get out of the truck and noticed the
driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he
stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver must be trying to hide illegal drugs, the Patrolman asked “Did I just see you
swallow something?” “Yep, that was my birth control pill.” said the driver. “Birth control pill?” asked the patrolman. The
driver said. “Yep, when I saw your lights, I knew I was screwed” What's the difference between a male truck driver and a
female truck driver? A male truck driver will think he is the
safest & best driver on the road. A female truck driver simply knows she is!
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He
climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a
truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind
of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces
together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck
driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used
to get all the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
On a sunny summer afternoon, a truck driver and his pet parrot "Petey" are cruising cross-country in their semi.
Suddenly, the trucker spies a hot young girl walking along the
road. He immediately pulls his truck to the side of the road. "Do you need a ride?" he asks. "Yeah" says the girl, climbing
anxiously into the truck. As they're progressing down the highway, the trucker asks the girl if she'd like to get in the
back and screw. "Hell no!" says the girl. "Well," says the truck driver as he pulls his truck to the side, "No screw, no
ride." He abruptly kicks the girl out of his rig. A short while
later, the driver spots another fine teenage girl along the roadside. Again he offers a ride, and again his offer is
accepted graciously. After a while, the truck driver asks the
girl if she'd like to get in the back and screw. "Not for my life!" says the girl. "Well," says the driver, "No screw, no
ride." He pulls over and tells the girl to get out. Before
long, the trucker spies a third teenage cutie along the roadside. He offers her a ride and she accepts. A few miles go by and the
trucker decides to try his luck again. "Do you want to get in
the back and screw?" he says. "Sure! Let's do it!" replies the girl. At this point, the trucker takes Petey and puts him in the
trailer with his cargo. He then proceeds to make mad love to the
woman in his cab. Upon finishing the deed, the girl says that she doesn't really need to go any farther. This is fine with the
trucker, so he lets her out and continues down the road. Before
long, he starts to get a really guilty conscience about what he did. "What if that girl reports me???" he thinks to himself. No
sooner did that thought cross his mind when he noticed a police
cruiser behind him with its lights flashing and sirens blaring. "Oh great," the trucker thinks to himself, "maybe she did report
me." "What's the problem officer?" says the truck driver to the policeman. "No problem really, other than the fact that you're
losing your cargo out the back door... I just thought I'd let you know." "Oh shoot!" says the truck driver upon realizing that he
forgot to bring Petey back up front. The trucker and the cop
walk around to the back of the trailer, and sure enough, there's Petey... throwing the frozen chicken cargo out of the back while
cawing "NO SCREW, NO RIDE!"
What goes Vroom, Screech, Vroom, Screech, Vroom, Screech? A
new truck driver at a flashing yellow light.
There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins
to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert,
his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to
the state zoo for him. The next day the original truck driver
arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The
original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, "What's
going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!" The new truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo. And I
had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."
There once was a very happy truck driver that was eating in
a diner at night. Three motorcyclists came and proceeded to pick on the truck driver by pouring pepper and salt all over him,
spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. The truck driver didn't do anything. He just stood up, paid his check, and left
the diner. "That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter,"
said one of the cyclists. The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, "He doesn't seem like much of a driver
either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles."
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a
large trucker sit down at the counter and order, “Give me three
flat tires and a couple of headlights.” Bewildered, he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in the wrong
store, look at what he ordered!” The cook says, “He wants three
pancakes and two eggs sunny-side up.” The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. He looks down and growls, “What’s this? I
didn’t order this!” The young man tells him, “The cook says that
while you’re waiting for your parts, you might as well gas up!”
What’s the difference between a puppy and a truck driver?
After six months, the puppy quits whining.
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking
at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took
the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man,
I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that." the man
replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept
and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found
out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing.
I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the
cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the
gardener." The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just as I was thinking
about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my
poison!"
There was a blonde and she just got a new car. She was
driving down the highway when she drove in front of a truck and ran it off the road. The truck driver got out of the car, drew a
circle on the ground and told the blonde to stand in it and don’t
move. He got out a knife and cut all the new leather seats out of the car. The blonde was laughing. Then he got out a baseball
bat and smashed in all the windows. The blonde was laughing even
harder. He got a knife and cut all the tires. The blonde was laughing hysterically now. The truck driver said, "I just
destroyed your car, why the heck are you laughing?" The blonde replied, " Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out the
circle!"
Why did the truck driver drive his truck off the cliff? - To
test out the air brakes!
A truck driver tried to edge his semi past the blonde lady
driver on the road ahead of him as she was obviously having difficulty deciding which lane she wanted to be in. Finally, her
mind made up, the woman veered into the truck driver's lane and
jammed on her brakes, which resulted in a slight collision. Unhurt but obviously
harried, the blonde driver rushed over to the truck driver and
started to bawl him out, barking, "You knew I was going to do something idiotic. Why
didn't you stop to wait and see what it was?"
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed
a sign that said "low bridge ahead." Before he knew it, the
bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car pulled up.
The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver,
put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver said, "No officer,... I was delivering this bridge and ran
out of gas!" What do you get when six J. B. Hunt drivers leave a truck
stop? Twelve parking spaces.
Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a
“team” truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren’t the sharpest knives in the
drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first
interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek bearly passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking
the usual transportation related questions. Luke also bearly
passes. The personnel manager next interviews them both together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek
and Luke, let’s say that you two are a driving team. One of you
is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of
steel on the truck. All the sudden your breaks go out and your
speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you’d do? About a minute passes and there is no answer. Then all the
sudden Luke spoke up, “I know, I know, I know the first thing I’d
do”. The personnel manager says, “Yes, Luke what is the first thing you’d do?” Luke says, “I’d wake up Zek!” The personnel
manger replies, “WHAT? Why would you wake up Zek?” Cause, says
Luke, “He ain’t never seen no big accident before!”
We heard a rumor that the J B Hunt Company was buying out Dick Simon. They’re going to call it “Hunt-n-Dick”
Three drivers are killed in an accident. At the pearly
gates, St. Peter asks each one; “What do you want people to say
about you at your funeral?” The first driver says, “I want folks to say that I was a good father and provider for my family.” The
second driver says, “I want folks to say that I was a good
teacher and that I helped my students to be good drivers.” The third driver says, “I want folks to say: “Hey, he’s moving!”
How do truckers take a bubble bath? They eat beans for dinner.
A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the
truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang on the
side of the cargo bay. He'd then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed.
The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could
stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to him.
"I'm sorry to bother you," he said, over the din of the banging,
"but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?" Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, "Sure, Mac. Ya
see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all
the time so I don't break an axle".
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in
short shorts. "Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow, Roy Snow," he
answered, "and what's yours?"
"I'm June, June Hansen," she said. "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker
some miles down the road. "Can you imagine what it might be
like," he countered with a question of his own, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"
Why did eighteen truck drivers go to the movies together? The sign read: Under 17 not allowed.
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on
the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK".
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, “You smell kind of nerdy, and asks him what he
does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and
the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a
beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around
his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a
foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a
shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, "The nerds are
overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You
don't even need a license", he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck,
and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, as he veers to avoid
an accident, the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees
a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all
engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.
So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun
and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the
car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's
wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Trucker Computer Terms: "Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat
tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys. "Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions. "ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot
line. "Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle
in order to get a free case.
"LAN"-------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck." "Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife
and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip. Chapter Seven

Truckers Slang

Ace An important CB'er
Advertising State Highway Patrol with lights on
Alligator Rubber from a recapped tire
Apple A CB addict
Aardvark A Kenworth T-600 (AKA anteater)
Alligator Rubber from a recapped tire
Back Over, back to you
Back door Rear of vehicle, last vehicle
Back down Slow down
Back out Stop transmitting
Back row The area at some truck stops where hookers
hang out
Bad scene A crowded channel
Ballet dancer An antenna that really sways
Bambi A deer, whether dead or alive
Barbershop A low overpass
Barefoot CB set output signal not additionally
amplified
Base station CB set operated from a fixed location
Beam Type of directional antenna
Bear Policeman, State Highway Patrol
Bear bait Leading a group of CB'ers
Bear cave Police station or post on the highway
Bear in the air Highway Patrol flying overhead
Bear meat Vehicle not equipped with a CB
Bear report Where are the police? Bear taking pictures Radar
Bears wall to wall Many bears
Beast A CB rig
Beat the bushes Finding the "bears"
Bed Buggers Moving Companies
Be-bop Radio control signals
Beer tone An intermittent tone signal
Big Daddy, Big Brother Federal Communications Commission (FCC)
Big Dog Federal Marshal
Big road A major highway
Big/Tall rubber 24 inch tires
Big road Highway
Big truck An eighteen wheeler
Big switch Turn off the CB set
Big 10-4 Acknowledged with enthusiasm
Bingo cards Paper cards that hold permits from various
states
Bird dog Radar detector
Black ice Thick ice on the road
Bleeding Interference from a nearby CB channel
Blessed event A new CB rig
Blow the doors off Pass on the highway
Bluebird A Martin Truck company truck
Boardwalk A bumpy road
Boast Toasties A CB expert
Bob tail Tractor without trailer
Bodacacious Good signal, clear transmission
Boogie Top gear
Bootlegger Unlicensed CB'er
Boss man Immediate supervisor
Boulevard Interstate highway Boy scouts State Police
Break I'd like to break in, interrupt
Brake check A sudden slow down in traffic
Breaker broke May I use this channel
Break fetish Rides with a foot on the break
Break one-oh Also, "break 10"- I want to talk (on
channel 10)
Breaker CB'er who asks to use a channel
BTO Big Time Operator
Bug out To leave a channel
Bulldog A Mack Truck
Bushels One-half; 20 ton load would be 40 bushels
Buttermilk Any kind of beer
Bumper sticker A car following to closely
Bundled out Loaded very full
Cabbage A long steep incline in eastern Oregon
Camera Radar unit
Can Shell of a CB set
Cartel A group hogging a channel
Cash register Toll booth
Catch Talk to
Cell block Location of base station
Chain gang Members of a CB club
Channel 25 Telephone
Charlie The FCC
Cheese wagon School bus
Chicken coop Truck weigh station
Chicken lights Extra lights on the truck and trailer
Chopped top Short antenna
Chrome dome Mobile unit with roof antenna
City kitty Local police officer Clean No Highway Patrol around
Clean cut Unmodified rig
Clear Out Final transmission
Coffee break Unoranized CB social gathering
Come again Return call, repeat
Comeback Return call
Comedian The median strip
Come on Over, you may transmit
Comic books Truck driver's log book
Commercial Prostitute
Container Chassis and shell of CB rig
Corn flakes Consolidated Freightways truck
Cotton picker Used instead of four letter words on air
County Mounty County sheriff or highway patrol
Covered up Interfered with
Covered wagon A trailer with a tarp cover
Cowboy Driver constantly changing lanes at high
speed
Cradle baby CB'er afraid to ask for standby
Crotch rocket A motorcycle
Cub scouts Sheriff’s men
Curly locks Coils on a CB rig
Customer Vehicle stopped by police
Cut out To leave a channel
Cut the hoax Turn off CB set
Daddy-O The FCC
Darktime Night
Deadhead Driving miles that you won't get paid for
Desperado Someone being arrested
Destruction zone Construction zone
Diesel car Eighteen wheeler Despair box Box where spare CB components are kept
Dirty town New York City
Do it to it Accelerate a vehicle
Don't tense Take it easy
Double Harley Channel 11
Do what? I did not copy your last transmission
Down stroke A hill going down
Dragon fly A truck with no power. Drags uphill, fly’s
downhill
Dragon wagon Tow Truck
Driver Refers to the person you are talking to
Drop deck Open trailer with two levels
Dry box A freight trailer or van
Ears CB set
Ears on CB radio turned on
Eat-um-up Truck stop cafe
Eighteen wheeler Diesel truck, all semi-trailer trucks
Eights, eighty-eights Goodbye, love and kisses
Eighty fifth street Highway I 95
ERS Emergency Radio Service
Eyeball Face to face meeting
Evil Kenevil Police on a motorcycle
Fat load Overload, more weight than local state law
allows
Feed the bears Get a ticket
Final Last transmission
Fingers A channel hopping CB'er
Fire in the wire An Amplified AM transmission
Five-five Speed limit, 55 mile per hour
Flappers Ears
Flat bed Straight open trailer Flip flop A U-turn
FM FM/AM radio
Fog lifter Interesting CB'er
Four Abbreviation of 10-4
Four-ten 10-4, emphatically
Four wheeler Passenger car
Fox Charlie Charlie The FCC
Freightshaker A Freightliner truck
Friendly Candy Company FCC
Front door Leading rig in a convoy
Fugitive CB'er operating on a different channel
Full grown DOT officer
Garbage Produce
Gearjammer/Gearslammer A speeding truck driver
General mess of crap GMC trucks by Volvo/White
Geological survey CB'er looking under his seat
Georgia overdrive Neutral gear
Getting out Being heard
Going horizontal Going to bed
Glory card Class D license
Go juice Diesel fuel
Gone Final transmission or switching to another
channel
Good buddy Homosexual
Good neighbor Person you are talking to
Goon squad Channel hoggers
Go to the Harley Go to channel 1
Gouge on it Go fast, step on it
GP Ground Plain antenna type
Grab bag Illegal hamming on CB
Granny lane The right lane or slow lane on the highway Grass Median strip or side of the road
Green stamp road Toll road
Green stamps Dollars, money paid in fines
Greasy side up A car or truck flipped over
Ground pressure Weight
Gumball machine Lights on a police car
Hag feast Group of female CB'ers on channel
Hammer Accelerator
Hammer down Driving fast
Hammer lane The fast lane or passing lane on the
highway
Hamster One who "hams" on CB
Hand Driver
Handle Slang names used by CB'ers
Happy happy Happy New Year
Happy number An S-meter reading
Harvey Wallbanger Reckless driver
Haulin' dispatcher brains Pulling an empty trailer
Having shutter problems Getting sleepy
Hit the jackpot When police lights are flashing
Henchmen Group of CB'ers
High gear Use of amplified power transmitter
Ho Chi Minh Trail California highway 152
Holler Call
Home twenty At home
Honeys Attractive females
Honey bear Female police officer
Hood Any conventional tractor, as opposed to a
cab-over
Hound men Police looking for CB'ers using rigs while
mobile How about Calling
How am I hitting you? Are you receiving my transmission?
Hundred dollar lane The left lane of a highway with more than two lanes in
each direction
Hung up CB'er who can't leave set
Idiot box Television set
In the big hole In top gear
In the grass Parked or pulled over on a median strip
Invitations Traffic tickets
Jamboree Gathering of CB'ers sponcored by a CB club
Junk yard Scrap metal hauler
Juvenile Delinquent Someone pretending to be a trucker
Keep it between the ditches Drive safely
Keep Smokey out of your britches Look out for speed traps
Kenosha Cadillac Any car made by AMC
Kenworthless A Kenworth truck, also; K Wopper
Keyboard Controls of a CB set
Key down When you try to talk over someone who is
transmitting
Keyed Pressing the microphone button
Kojak with a Kodak A police officer with a radar gun
Knuckle Dragger Driving too slow
Land line Telephone
Lay a land mine Bathroom break/Take a shit
Large car A big fancy truck
Lay an eye on See
Left coast West coast
Let the channel roll Let others break in and use the channel
Linear Extra power amplifier used to increase CB
output
Local Smokey, Local Yokel City police officer Lot lizard A truck stop hooker
Lumper Someone who unloads trucks
Mail Overheard conversation (reading the mail)
Make the trip? Is my transmission being received?
Mardi Gras Welfare check day
Meat wagon Ambulance
Mercy, Mercy sakes An exclamation
Merry merry Merry Christmas
Mile markers Small signs that indicate the distance along the highway
Mission A rush load
Mix-master Highway cloverleaf
Mobile In motion
Modulate To talk with
Monitor Emergency assistance, channel 9
Moth ball Annual CB convention
Motion Lotion Fuel
Move In motion
Mud duck Very weak radio signal
Negative, negatory No
Negative contact Station being called fail to respond
Negative copy Did not hear your last transmission
Ninety fifth street Interstate 95
OM Old man CB'er
On the move Driving, moving
On the side Parked or pulled over on the shoulder
One-eyed monster Television set
One time For a short contact
Other half Husband or wife
Over shoulder Behind
Panic in the streets Area being monitored by the FCC Parking lot A truck carrying automobiles
Party row Area at some truck stops where hookers
hang out
Pass the numbers to you Best wishes to you
Peanut butter in your ears Not listening, can't hear
Penman CB applicant who has filled out FCC forms
Peter pleaser Homosexual
Peter pleasin’ pickle park Rest area where homosexuals hang out
Pickle Park Rest Area
Pickum-up Light truck, pickup truck
Picture machine Radar
Picture taker Radar
Plain wrapper Police car with no markings
Play dead Stand by
Politz-eye The police
Pounds Number on S-meter indicating output, S-3 is three pounds, ect.
Power up Thank you very much
Pregnant roller skate Volkswagen
Prescription FCC rules
Pull the big one Signing off for good
Pumpkin Schneider company trucks
Put the good numbers on you Threes and eight’s: best regards
Putting on Strength of signal
Put the pedal to the metal Accelerate
Q-bird An intermittent tone generator
Radio check Reception
Rake the leaves Back door or last vehicle in a string
Rascal Someone you know
Ratchet jaw Non-stop talker
REACT A national group of volunteers who monitor
channel 9 Read Hear
Readin' the mail Just listening to the CB
Recessional reptiles prostitutes or hookers
Reefer A refrigerated cargo trailer
Rest-um-up Roadside rest area
Rig CB radio, also tractor
Riot squad Neighbors with television interference
Road pizza A badly mangled road kill
Rocking chair Vehicle between two CB vehicles
Roger I acknowledge
Roger ramjet A speeding car
Roger roller skate Passenger car going more that 20 miles per hour over
the speed limit
Roller skate Small car
Rolling parking lot automotive transport
Rooster cruiser A male driver, looking for another man for
sex
Salt shaker A snowplow that spreads salt and dirt on
the road
Sand baggin' Listen in on a channel without talking
Sand box A gravel trailer
Savages CB'er who hogs the channel
Scatterstick Vertical antenna with ground plain
Scoot A Harley-Davidson motorcycle
Schneider eggs Orange drums used in construction areas
Seat covers Occupants of a passenger car, usually attractive females
Semi automatic super 10 Type of transmission in which some of the gears change
automatically
Sesame Street CB channel 19
Set of dials CB rig Seventy three Best regards
Shake the leaves See what's ahead
Shakey Town/Shakey Side Los Angeles, California
Shanty shaker Mobile home mover. Also known as a mobile modular
residential commercial transportation relocation technical specialist
She bear Female police officer
Shim To illegally soup up a transmitter
Shinny hiney Trailer with polished metal doors
Shoot you in the back When a hidden cop uses a radar gun after
you pass
Short-short Soon
Shout Call
Side piece A linear amplifier
Sidewalk weenie washer Homosexual
Six wheeler Mid-sized truck or van
Skateboard A flatbed trailer
Ski, short trip Conditions permitting long distance contacts
Skins Tires
Slaughter house Channel 11
Slave drivers Cb'ers that take control of a channel
Slider An illegal VFO (variable frequency
oscillator)
Slip seating Changing drivers without stopping the
truck
Slow wheels in the fast lane Swift Company drivers
Small rubber 22 inch tires
Smokin' scooter A motorcycle cop
Smokey Smokey the Bear", police
Smokey on four legs Mounted police
Smokey with ears Police listening in on a CB
Snooperscope An illegally high antenna
Sonnet A CB'er who advertises products on the air Souped up A radio modified to run illegally high
power
Stagecoach A tour bus
Stack them eight’s Best regards
Stand on it Accelerate very quickly
Stepped on you Another CB'er transmitted at the same time
Struggle Trying to "break" a channel
Sucker A CB rig on the service bench
Sunbeam A CB'er who livens the channel with
witticisms
Super trooper Officer pulling more than one car over at
a time
Sure enough store bought large car- A big fancy eighteen wheeler
Swamp donkey A moose
Sweeping leaves Bringing up the rear
Swinging Carrying a load of carcass beef
SWR Standing Wave Radio
Taking pictures Radar
Tearjerker A CB'er who always cries the blues
T-bone Side impact crash
Tennessee Valley Indians TVI - Television interference
Ten roger I acknowledge
Thermos bottle Tanker truck
Thin A very weak signal
Thin man A CB'er with a weak carrier
Thirty three 10-33, this is an emergency
Trash wagon Garbage truck
Thread Wires in a CB rig
Threes on you Best regards
Threes and eight’s Heavy regards
Throwing Transmitting Ticker tape FCC rules
Ticks The minutes (each tick is 60 seconds)
Tijuana taxi Well marked police car
Tin can CB rig
Tooled up A souped up rig
Too many eggs in one basket Overweight
Toothpicks Lumber
Train station Traffic court that fines everybody
Travel agent Dispatcher
Trip Strong signal
Trucker Buddies National association of drivers, trucking companies and
schools working to education children about the trucking industry
Triple digit truck A truck that can exceed 100 miles per hour
Turkey day Thanksgivings day
Turkey call Intermittent tone generator
Twenty Location
Twin pots A CB'er who has two sets from the same
manufacturer
Two-way radar Radar used from a moving police car
Two wheeler Motorbike, motorcycle
Ungowa Bwana Okay
VW A Volvo/White truck
Walked all over Overpowered by a stronger signal
Wall to wall Peg full scale on S-meter, loud and clear
Wally World A Wal-Mart truck, store or distribution
center
Warden Wife, husband, or FCC
We gone Stopping our sending, will listen
Wheels The mobile unit
Weirdy A homemade CB rig
West Coast turnarounds Benzedrine pills or speed Wiggle wagons Double or triple trailers
Willy Weaver A drunk driver
Windjammer A long-winded CB'er
Window wash A rainstorm
Wrapped loaf A CB rig in its original carton
Wrapper Paint job on a car
XYL Ex-young lady; wife
Yard Company parking lot
Yard dog A driver who moves trailers on a company’s
lot
Yardstick Mile markers
YL Young lady
You got a copy on me? Do you hear me?
Youngville Young children using this channel
Zoo Highway patrol headquarters Chapter Eight

Trucker Cities and National 10 Codes

The Big A Atlanta, Georgia
Air Capitol Wichita, Kansas
Armadillo Texas
The Alamo San Antonio, Texas
The Astrodome Houston, Texas The Apple New York New York
Bean Town Boston, Maryland
Big D Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas
Big O Omaha, Nebraska
The Bikini Miami, Florida or Florida in general
Bright Lights Kansas City, Missouri
Bull City Durham, North Carolina
CB Town Council Bluffs, Iowa
Cigar City Minneapolis/St Paul, Minnesota
Cowtown Calgery, Alberta, Canada
(The) Flag Flagstaff, Arizona
The Friendly Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
(The) Gateway St. Louis, Missouri
Gold City Goldsboro, North Carolina
Green Bay San Francisco, California
Guitar Nashville, Tennessee
Hog Town Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Hotlanta Atlanta, Ga
Irish South Bend, Indiana
Little Richard Macon, Georgia
Mardi Gras New Orleans, Louisiana
Mile High Denver, Colorado
Motor City Detroit, Michigan
Music City Nashville, Tennessee
Capital City Raleigh, North Carolina
The Big Smoke Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
The Dirty Cleveland, Ohio
The Mistake on the Lake Erie, Pennsylvania
The Nickel Buffalo, New York
The peg Winnipeg, Ontario, Canada
Philly Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
The Rubber Akron, Ohio Shaky City Los Angeles, California
Smoke City Birmingham, Alabama
Steel City/Town Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
The Swamp Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Windy

10-0 Caution
10-1 Unable to copy
10-2 Signals good
10-3 Stop transmitting
10-4 Acknowledgment; okay
10-5 Relay message
10-6 Busy, stand by
10-7 Out of services
10-8 In service, on air
10-9 Repeat message
10-10 Fight or disorder reported
10-11 Dog case
10-12 Stand by
10-13 Weather and road report
10-14 Prowler report
10-15 Burglary
10-16 Domestic problem
10-17 Meet with complainant
10-18 Quickly
10-19 Return to...
10-20 Give location
10-21 Call on telephone
10-22 Disregard
10-23 Arrived at scene
10-24 Assignment completed
10-25 Report in person (meet)
10-26 Detaining subject, expedite
10-27 Drivers license info
10-28 Vehicle registration info
10-29 Check stolen/wanted
10-30 Unnecessary use of radio
10-31 Crime in progress
10-32 Subject with firearms
10-33 Emergency
10-34 Riot
10-35 Major crime alert
10-36 Correct time
10-37 Investigate suspicious Chicago, Illinois

National 10 codes

10-38 Stopping suspicious
10-39 Urgent, use lights and siren
10-40 Silent run, no lights or siren

10-41 Beginning tour of duty
10-42 Ending tour of duty
10-43 Information
10-44 Permission to leave
10-45 Animal carcass
10-46 Assist motorist
10-47 Emergency road repair needed
10-48 Traffic standard repair
10-49 Traffic light out
10-50 Accident
10-51 Wrecker needed
10-52 Ambulance needed
10-53 Road blocked
10-54 Livestock/ carcass on road
10-55 Intoxicated driver
10-56 Intoxicated pedestrian
10-57 Hit and run accident
10-58 Direct traffic
10-59 Convoy or escort
10-60 Squad in vicinity
10-61 Personnel in area
10-62 Reply to message
10-63 Prepare to make a written copy
10-64 Message for local delivery
10-65 Awaiting you next message/ assignment
10-66 Message cancellation
10-67 All units comply
10-68 Dispatch information 10-69 Message received
10-70 Fire alarm
10-71 Advise nature of fire
10-72 Report progress on fire
10-73 Smoke report
10-74 Negative
10-75 In contact with...
10-76 Enroute
10-77 ETA (Estimated Time of Arrival
10-78 Need assistance
10-79 Notify coroner
10-80 Chase in progress
10-81 Breathalyzer request
10-82 Reserve a room for...
10-83 Working school crossing
10-84 If meeting______, advise ETA
10-85 Delayed due to...
10-86 Officer/operator on duty
10-87 Pick up/distribute checks
10-88 Telephone number
10-89 Bomb threat
10-90 Bank alarm
10-91 Pick up prisoner/subject
10-92 Improperly parked vehicle
10-93 Blockade
10-94 Drag racing
10-95 Delayed due to....
10-96 Mental subject
10-97 Check signal
10-98 Prison/jail break
10-99 Wanted/ stolen indicated 10-100 Five minute break; bathroom
10-101 Medical acknowledgment
10-102 Send rescue units to...
10-103 Send police units to...
10-104 Unable to locate
10-105 Patient refuses service
10-106 Patient refuses treatment
10-107 Patient pickup by other means
10-108 Transfer patient from__ to___
10-109 Patient condition codes
10-109A Walking but injured
10-109B Moderate injury
10-109C Severe injuries
10-109D Dead
10-110 Multi-injury accident
10-200 Police needed at...
Copyright 12/31/02

 

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