The Power of Laughter by John Williams - HTML preview

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* The cops know when Winter is coming – the car thieves start stealing less convertibles and pinch more sedans instead.

Education

* My brother got a degree in Languages. He can’t get a job with it but he said that it comes in handy for those foreign movies he watches all the time.

* He said his college football coach took a 5% salary cut during the last recession. The college was really grateful because it meant they could hire 3 more teachers.

* I got a degree in History. Of course, it was much easier back then - not much had happened!

* The teacher asked young Mike, “Please complete this sentence; ‘When the going gets tough, ….. ?”

Mike said, “I don’t know – I don’t walk anywhere if I can help it!”

* When he was at college, Arthur got a letter from his Mother, with all the news from home. At the bottom, she wrote, “I was going to put in $50 for you but I’ve already sealed the envelope.”

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P a g e 5 2 o f 8 7

* The following week, Arthur got a parcel from home. His mother said, “I’m sending your favorite jacket. Your father said it was too heavy and would cost too much to send.

So, I cut off the buttons and put them in the pocket.”

* Shortly after he became a judge, he found his old English teacher in front of him for a traffic offense.

The teacher said, “Your Honor, I’m guilty but I hope you won’t fine me because we

teachers are very low paid.”

The judge said, “Mr Smythe, I’ve got something much more appropriate. I want you to sit at the back of the Court and you mustn’t leave until you’ve written ‘I must not double park’ 500 times!”

* The Professor addressed the class on the first day of the term, “If there are any rowdy fools in this group, please stand now and save us all time later.”

Just one student, at the back of the room, rose.

The professor frowned at him, then said, “Are you really a noisy fool.”

The student said, “Not really but I thought you’d get lonely just standing up all by yourself!”

* The teacher told Barry’s parents, “Your son has a lightning mind – occasional flashes but, otherwise, total darkness!”

* Anne woke up about 2a.m. to see Henry sitting on the side of their bed, shaking and sweating.

She asked,” Are you alright, Darling?”

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P a g e 5 3 o f 8 7

Henry said through chattering teeth,” Go back to sleep. I’ll be okay soon. I can’t help it -

every now and again, I remember the 2 years I spent in that place!”

Anne asked, “The Army?”

“No,” said Henry, “the third grade!”

* The teacher told the children to be careful gong home because it had been snowing. She also told them to always wear warm clothing this time of year because one little boy, the previous year, went out with his sled – didn’t wear a jacket, became lost and froze to death.

Little Hiram put up his hand and asked, “Miss, what happened to his sled?”

* The Principal of my old College took over as Chief Warden of the County Jail. He said one of the main reasons was that he wanted to meet more of the college graduates.

* It was my old school’s big Quiz Night.

The headmaster acted as compere. He asked the last 3 contestants, “Please finish this sentence; “Old McDonald had a what?”

The first boy said, “Old McDonald had a wife ?

The compere said, “Sorry, you’re eliminated.”

The second boy said, “Old McDonald had a barn ?

The compere said, “Sorry, you’re eliminated too.”

The first boy said, “Old McDonald had a farm ?

The compere said, “Fantastic! Now, please spell it?”

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P a g e 5 4 o f 8 7

The smartest boy in school smiled and then said, “E_I_E_I_O!”

Ethnic

I suggest that we always should think very carefully before using any story which is at the expense of any individual or group. But there are times when they will work very well, especially if the joke teller is of the group which he makes the butt of the joke. Many professional comedians use this sort of material in that way.

Or you might make up a mythical region and populate it with the characters of your stories or just leave out the specifics that point to a particular group.

Australian

* A man from Texas walked in to a small pub in the middle of the Australian outback.

He said, “What do have to eat, please?”

The barman said, “I can get the wife to cook you a kangaroo patty?”

The American said, “Yes please, that sounds great.”

After he’d eaten the meal, he said, “Thanks, how much do I owe you?”

The barman said, “That’ll be $40, thanks.”

The American was shocked, “$40! Are they rare?”

The barman replied, “Well, not as rare as Texans out here!”

British

This story takes aim at three traditional rivals, so there’s little chance that anyone will be offended;

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P a g e 5 5 o f 8 7

* Three friends of mine are Alfred, Ben and Martin. Alfred is of English origin, Ben is Spanish by adoption and Martin is Scotch by absorption.

* Michael said, “Patrick, I didn’t know you had a smart bicycle like that!”

Patrick said, “I was walking along a lane when this pretty blonde on a bicycle knocked me down! She was very upset, took off all her clothes and said I could have anything I wanted. So, I took her bicycle.”

Michael said, “Smart move. Her clothes wouldn’t have looked any good on you!”

* Enid said to the Turk, “I can’t remember your name but I know your fez.” He felt insulted so, as he went out, he salaamed the door of the shop!

* Arthur is a very proper Englishman but he surprised many of his friends when he joined a nudist club shortly after he moved to the U.S.A.

One day, the president of the Club stopped Arthur and said, “It’s perfectly okay, Arthur, but I’m just wondering why you decided to wear a hat at the club today?”

Arthur said, “I’ve been told some English people are visiting the Club today and there might be someone I know, so I’ll have to tip my hat to them, won’t I?”

* English people have lots of jokes about the Scots and the Irish. They think both races are really funny. The Irish tell jokes mostly about the Scots because they say that the English are beyond a joke. The Scots tell jokes about the Irish and the English but avoid making any jokes at their own expense!

* I said to this woman that I met last night, “You’re Scotch, aren’t you?” She glared at me and hissed, “No, I’m a Scot, Scottish but never Scotch!”

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P a g e 5 6 o f 8 7

“I’m sorry, but what’s the difference?”

She said, “I can’t be picked up in hotels!” and that was the last I saw of her.

* Martin visited his Scottish neighbor and saw Mac scraping off wallpaper.

Martin asked, “Redecorating, Mac?”

Mac replied, “No, we’re moving house!”

* I worked one function where I was told that I must not make fun of the Irish but, with my experience, I had no trouble changing my script in seconds! Then, I started my first story, “There were two Arabs called Pat and Mike ….”

* The girl at the Carwash said, “That’ll be $5, Paddy.”

Michael said, “How did you know I’m Irish?”

Well,” she replied, “We don’t get many motorcyclists here!”

* The Scotsman knocked on the Pearly Gates.

St Peter asked, “Who is there?”

“It’s Andrew MacPherson.”

St Peter shouted, “Go away, Mac – we’re not going to make porridge for one!”

Friends

* He said, “Quick, give me a kiss!”

She said, “No, I’ve got scruples!”

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P a g e 5 7 o f 8 7

He replied, “I’m not worried – I’ve had everything at least once!”

* Alvin asked Charles,” What’s your definition of charity?”

Charles said, “Sharing with your friends that have less.”

Alvin said, “So, if you had two cars, you’d give me one.”

Charles said, “Sure.”

Alvin said, “So, if you had two lawnmowers, you’d give me one.”

Charles said, “Without another thought.”

Alvin said, “So, if you had two watches, you’d give me one.”

Charles said, “No!”

Alvin said, “Why not?”

Charles said, “Because I’ve got two watches!”

* Mark said, “My new girl’s so nice, she won’t even whip cream and refuses to beat rugs.”

His Mother said, “Does she like animals?”

He replied,” Well, I saw her pat a spider on its back.”

* I believe that; if you help someone that is in trouble with no thought of reward, they’ll never forget you … every time they get in more trouble.

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P a g e 5 8 o f 8 7

Hard Labor

* The other carpenters called my brother ‘Blister’ – only shows up after the work

finished!

* Actually they think my brother might be something supernatural. He’s almost always invisible, considers himself above everyone else and, if it’s ever actually proven that he did something, they record it as a genuine miracle!

Painters

* A painter was desperate to get some work. When he was approached about repainting the interior of a local Church, he made a rash and very low bid. Most of the other painters had cut their usual margins because it was for a local Church anyway, so his profit margin was as wide as the head of a pin.

When he bought the paint for the job, he found it had gone up in price. The only way he could squeeze any profit from the job was to thin the paint right down.

But it did him no good. For weeks after that, he had nightmares about being chased by a giant paintbrush wearing a halo and shouting, “Repaint, you thinner! Repaint!”

* The painter asked Arthur’s wife what color she wanted their bedroom. She pulled a hair from her own head and gave it to him. Then she said, “Mr Smith, just match that as close as you can, please.”

When she got home, she found the walls were bright yellow and the skirting boards were black.

Plumbers

* Arthur phoned the plumber to query his bill.

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P a g e 5 9 o f 8 7

He said, “I am a surgeon and I only get half this hourly rate.”

The plumber replied, “That’s right. So did I when I was a surgeon!”

Health

* Why are there always less people with bad coughs at the Doctor’s surgery than the theatre?

* Dennis asked Alf, “What’s a chiropractor?”

Alf said, “That’s someone that gets paid to do what you or I would be slapped for!”

* Do astronauts get Athlete’s Foot? Yes, but they call it Missile Toe.

* My Uncle is a hypochondriac. He always has a new disease for his Doctor to treat. The Doctor said, “Mr. Williams, there’s no way to tell if you have that disease – it has no visible symptoms.”

My Uncle replied, “That’s right, Doctor – I must have it because I can’t feel a thing.”

Drinking

* Don’t drink and drive. You might spill more than your drink!

* Smith appeared in front of the Judge after a night of celebration. The judge peered at him, then said, “I hope you realize that alcohol is responsible for your appearance here?!”

Smith said, “Please tell my wife, your honor – she keeps saying it’s all my fault!”

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P a g e 6 0 o f 8 7

Exercise

In this area, I’m a Benchley disciple – the late Robert Benchley, who said, “Whenever I feel the urge to exercise, I just lie down until it goes away!”

* Arnold is a relaxaddict. He and exercise were mutually exclusive until his Doctor found there was more red in his thermometer than in Arnold’s veins.

* Actually, Arnold became very good at jogging. He’s the only person I know that is so good, he can jog and eat 2 slices of pizza at the same time!

* But he said that he’s giving up running to concentrate on sex. It’s supposed to have the same anaerobic benefits and you don’t have to keep buying expensive, special shoes.

Hospitals

* When I put on the hospital gown for my operation, it reminded me of our medical

insurance – less coverage than I first thought. Just like the policy, there a thin, porous covering and, after that, there’s just me.

The Hospital rang this morning to say that, If I don’t pay the balance of my bill, they’ll send round someone to put my appendix back in!

Smokers

* Smokers are real excited about the new trading stamps the cigarette companies are putting in the cartons. If they manage to get 50,000 stamps, they get 50% off the cost of their cancer operation.

* I’ve given up cigarettes. I did it when I heard the wooden Indian at the front of the store started coughing.

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P a g e 6 1 o f 8 7

* Our Governments can’t ban smoking. Smokers’ taxes keep the rest of us solvent. Ah, smokers – they have hearts of gold … and fingers the same color!

Insects

Ants

* Arthur said, “I admire the ant – they’re always working and never taking holidays.”

Fred said, “I don’t think they’re that focused. They’re always going to picnics!”

Bees

* Why do Bees hum? Because they don’t know the words.

Fleas

* Daryl was a great ladies man and always going to nightclubs. One night, the feature attraction was very unusual, a Flea Circus.

True to form, Daryl took home the whole chorus line!

Money

* Poverty is hereditary – we got it from our children!

* It’s getting harder to keep up financially. Last week’s regular prices were better than this week’s specials!

* A new charity has already raised over half a million dollars. Their first research project is to find a disease of their own!

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P a g e 6 2 o f 8 7

* Our Uncle says he’s not tight with money, he’ll give until it hurts! It’s just that he’s very sensitive to pain.

* I have enough money to last the rest of my life or until Thursday, whichever comes first.

*Simon was ecstatic that Dawn agreed to marry him but he started to worry when her face fell as she examined the engagement ring.

Simon said, “The jeweler said it was a flawless diamond!”

Dawn replied, “Darling, with a stone that small, there’s no room for a flaw!”

* Our council debated for two hours how to raise more money. It’s no surprise that they decided to increase the levy on local businesses for promoting the shopping area.

One brave, but very junior, councilor thought that was a bit rough but he realized that the others would vote for it because it didn’t require much thought on their part.

So he said, “I move that we raise the levy from a tenth of turnover to a twentieth?”

And they passed it!

* Barry said, “Since I met Marsha, I can’t eat … I can’t sleep!”

I said, “It must be love!”

“No,” he replied, “I’m working 2 jobs so I can afford to keep seeing her!”

* He asked, “Would you still love me if I lost all my money?”

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P a g e 6 3 o f 8 7

She said, “You haven’t lost it, have you?”

“No.” he replied.

”Of course I would, darling!” was the confident response.

Our Happy Home

* Charley was starting to dig the first garden bed when he noticed Sam, next door, setting up a trestle and some tins of paint.

Charley shouted, “Are you on holidays too, Sam?”

He replied, “Yes, I’ve got a week.”

Charley said, “You’re lucky, I’ve got 2 weeks holidays!”

* There’s so many labor-saving appliances and multi-media entertainment systems in our homes now, some kids are thinking that the repair-man is their Dad because they see him more often!

* Martha said, “Charley, all this talk of war – I think we had better get a fall-out shelter.”

Charley said, “I’m getting worried too but they’re very expensive. Let’s wait until someone advertises one second-hand.”

* They asked 3 couples, ”When do you believe human life actually begins?”

The first couple agreed that it was right at the moment of conception.

The next couple said, “We respect their view but we think it’s when the baby is actually born.”

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P a g e 6 4 o f 8 7

The oldest couple had a different answer, “If we are very lucky, when our last child finally leaves home!”

* Fred asked his wife,” Is Mrs Gooze a gossip?”

His wife laughed, then said, “Yes, but she always tells everybody not to tell anybody the rubbish she tells them!”

Children

* The couple was having a night-cap and the wife said, “I’ll go and check on Billy.” She put down her drink and went to their young son’s door.

She thought that she wouldn’t put the light on in his room because she didn’t want to wake him up. But he was awake.

She heard him say, “Daddy?”

“She said, “No Billy, it’s Mummy. Why did you think I was Daddy?”

The kid said, “Because I can smell Daddy’s perfume on you!”

* Greg’s son is a teenage atheist. The kid doesn’t believe the Beatles ever really existed!

* Ted took his small son fishing for the first time.

The kid pointed to something in the water and asked, “What’s that, Dad?”

Ted said, “That’s a jellyfish.”

“Oh, what flavor?”

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P a g e 6 5 o f 8 7

* We used to ask our parents to tuck us in. Today’s kids just want us to plug them in –

with their own computer, X-Box, stereo and wide screen television!

* I was a bright kid but only had one ambition; I wanted to marry the girl next door. She was the headline act at Stripperama!

*Young Delbert got home from a hard day in the third grade and asked his Mother,

“Mum, what’s Vice?”

She said, “Wait till your Dad gets home.” Then she rang her husband at work.

“Delbert’s asking that question! I want you to have that talk with him when you get home.”

So, when Delbert’s dad got home, he sat Delbert next to him on the couch, listened to the question and then gave him the whole story. He hoped it wasn’t too much for the kid to understand, so he asked, “Delbert, what do you think of that?”

Delbert said, “I think that’s cool.”

Why?” asked his Dad.

“Because they’ve just made me Vice-Captain of our class and I can’t wait to get there tomorrow!”

* jThe neighbor was telling my wife that her children share everything – measles,

influenza and chicken-pox so far!

* My wife asked the Doctor could he please give our 4 year old a transfusion of tired blood so we could get some rest?

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P a g e 6 6 o f 8 7

Cooking

* She didn’t know much about cooking, but planned to surprise him when he came home from his first day back at work after the honeymoon. She made her version of something which his mother had told her was one of his favorite dishes – coconut pie.

His biggest problem wasn’t that she used minced meat, but scooping it out of the coconut she cooked it in.

* Alfred was complaining about his wife’s cooking again. He said, “She’d be lost

without the freezer and the microwave! I don’t understand why she can’t do it properly and use a can opener like my dear Mother always did!”

* The couple that live on my right are regular church goers. He plays the organ at Church.

The wife is a great cook and she had her parents coming to dinner one Sunday. She set up a roast in their gas oven before they went to Church. The Priest was very punctual with his sermons and she could rely on being home again in time to get the meat from the oven and finish the preparation of the meal in plenty of time.

But there was a guest speaker that Sunday and she was afraid he’d never stop. In

desperation, she scribbled a note for her husband and asked the verger to pass it to him.

Unfortunately, the Verger got it mixed up and gave the scrawled note to the speaker, who glanced at it, then quickly finished and sat down.

After the last parishioners left, the Priest asked the speaker why he’d stopped so quickly.

He said,“ You would have too if you’d got this sort of note!”

He handed the lady’s note to the Priest who read, “GO HOME AND SHUT OFF THE

GAS!

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P a g e 6 7 o f 8 7

Marriage

* Bert really works at their marriage. He picked up his wife after she went to the Beauty Parlor last week. When she walked up to him, he said, “Excuse me, young lady. Do I know you?”

* My wife is really thoughtful. I told her that I wanted a power saw for my birthday. I was real happy that she got me just the model I wanted. Then I saw that she’d drawn an extra $40 check on our account. She said she thought that we’d better bump up my

medical cover. At least she didn’t increase my life assurance!

* There was a Scots magician whose lovely assistant put on a little weight and couldn’t fit in to his magic illusions. He was going to break off the engagement but couldn’t get the ring off her finger so he had to marry her!

* Alice became engaged to Melvin, a guy with a colorful reputation as a ladies man.

As they sat on her couch one evening, Melvin said gently, “Alice, I really love you and I know you’ll want me to live down my reputation.”

Alice smiled and said, “Actually, I’m hoping you’ll live up to it!”

* Allan heard that foreplay was very important for a happy sexual relationship, so he invited another couple on the honeymoon.

* Michael and his wife loved (that’s the right word) going to wife-swapping parties –

minimum dues and no don’ts at all.

* Michael had to stop going to wife-swapping parties when the Government passed that Truth in Lending Law!

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P a g e 6 8 o f 8 7

* Charley said, “Congratulate me. I’m going to marry that young widow in French St.”

Harry said, “I wouldn’t want to be a widow’s husband – always being compared to the first one.”

Charley said, “It’s much better than being the first husband though!”

* Harry’s girlfriend cancelled her Membership of the nudist club 6 months before the wedding. She wanted to be married in white.

* Someone asked Anne, “What would you do if you married a rich man?”

She said, “Nothing – wouldn’t it be marvelous!”

* They were on a tourist excursion when April was asked, “Do you like old ruins?”

She said, “Like them, I’m trying to get one to marry me!”

* I used to always have holes in my socks and buttons missing from my shirts. Then I got married. First thing my dear wife did was … teach me to sew!

* Her Mother asked Sarah, “Did you show the girls at the office your engagement ring?”

Sarah replied, “Yes – unfortunately, two of them recognized it!”

Politics

As I’ve already said, this is a subject usually to be avoided. But here’s a non-partisan line or two….

* “How do you define ‘détente’?”

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P a g e 6 9 o f 8 7

“That’s what the farmer has with the Turkey up till Thanksgiving!”

Religion

* The local Church thought they’d found the perfect Minister for them. He was the only candidate that was prepared to cut the grass and take out the garbage as well as his pastoral duties.

But he said, “No” because they weren’t prepared to pay him the same rate as other

cleaners got.

* I believe God created the World in 6 days. I also believe it would have taken a lot longer if he took coffee breaks!

* Who has more faith – the average Member of your church or the gardener that buys those little packets of seed at the supermarket?

* The monks lined up before the Abbot every morning before breakfast. The Abbot

would chant, “Good Morning.” in his very deep voice and all the monks would respond,

“Good Morning.”

One novice monk didn’t appreciate the tradition so, one morning he sang, “Good

evening.”

Immediately, the Abbot responded, “Someone chanted evening!”

For best effect, I suggest you sing that last line – if you dare!

* Last time there was a bad storm near here, one of my neighbors had to get on his roof to fix some tiles. He’s got a good head for heights but this time one foot slipped and he was quickly left hanging from the guttering by one hand.

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P a g e 7 0 o f 8 7

He yelled out, “Is there anyone to help me!” but there was no-one outside because of the storm and his cries went unheard. He looked upwards and desperately yelled, “Can anyone up there help me?!”

Suddenly, a deep voice echoed down from the clouds, “Have faith and just let go!”

He thought for just a moment and then yelled back, “Is there anyone else up there that can help?!”

* Matthew was on a ship that hit a reef. He got away from it before it sank but was soon getting very tired. He saw a lifebelt bobbing in the distance and started to swim toward it but stopped. He thought, “I’m almost exhausted but mustn’t worry. The Lord will provide for me.”

Then a crowded lifeboat came near. One of the people in it said, “Come on, we’ll find room for you!” But Matthew waved them away because he thought, “that little boat could capsize at any minute. Anyway, the Lord will provide for me.”

An hour later, Matthew saw a helicopter overhead. They dropped an inflatable dinghy as close as they could and Matthew started to swim toward it. But the current started to move it away from him so Matthew stopped, still thinking, “The Lord will provide for me.”

Matthew, sadly, drowned but made it to Heaven. He saw God and was bold enough to ask,

“Why didn’t you save me?”

God said, “Matthew, I sent a lifebelt, a boat and a helicopter. The rest was up to you.”

* A man stood on the corner pushing pamphlets in to the unwilling hands of everyone that passed by. He shouted at Frank, “Jesus Lives!

Frank stopped and asked, “Will they cancel our Easter holiday then?”

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P a g e 7 1 o f 8 7

Restaurants

* The waiter spilled his soup all over Mervyn’s trousers. He said he would rather have had a fly in his soup than soup ……

* The Head waiter asked the couple, “Would you like a table near the Band?”

The man said, “After last time here, we’d prefer one near a waiter!”

* As the waitress put his lunch in front of him, she said, “It looks like rain today.”

“Yes,” he replied. “But it still smells like coffee.”

* The Waiter said, “Some patrons have found small pearls in our oyster stew!”

The diner said, “We’d be happy to find an Oyster!”

* The Maitre de said to the new waiter, “The people on that table are vegetarians. You know what a vegetarian is, don’t you?”

The waiter said, “That’s someone that treats sick animals.”

The Maitre de said, “No! That’s a veterinarian.”

The waiter smiled and said, “You can’t fool me. I know that’s a retired soldier!”

Roasts

This type of function, that has been popularized by the professional television versions, are sometimes run by social or professional groups where a well-known and generally respected person agrees to be the butt of the night’s jokes for the benefit of some charity.

That’s my excuse for including these lines.

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 7 2 o f 8 7

* Here’s to the little buzzing Bee

forever on patrol

A busy soul with no birth control

That’s why we’ve got so many sons of Bees.

* Our Guest of Honor is always smiling. Either he’s doesn’t ever have anything to worry about or has nothing to worry with!

* Harry almost ran away from home when he was a child, but he couldn’t get the

refrigerator out through the front door.

Rules to Live By

Critic’s Law

For every action there will be equal or greater criticism.

Eighty - Twenty Rule

80% of a business’ profits come from 20% of their clients and 99% of the problems come from the other 80%.

The Law of Grants

If a research project is unlikely to succeed, don’t accept more than 3 Government Grants.

Law of History

We may sometimes prevent History repeating itself but you can never stop Historians just repeating each other.

Law of Home Economics

If ever your outgo exceeds your income, your upkeep will be your downfall.

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 7 3 o f 8 7

John’s Rule

Don’t let facts spoil a great theory.

One Percent Rule

In 100% of competitions, a win by a margin of 1% is still a win.

In bureaucracies, 99% of the time, someone that contributed no more than 1% to a

successful project will get 100% of the credit.

Politician’s Rules

When in doubt, mumble.

When you’re wrong, shout and thump the table.

Law of the Possible

Everything is possible for the man that doesn’t have to do it.

Law of Projects

90% of a project will take 90% of the schedule and the last 10% will take another 90%

Law of Sausage

People that respect the Law and like sausages should never watch how either is made.

Law of Success

The most important thing is Sincerity. When you can fake that, you’ve got it made!

Timely Laws

A broken watch still gets the time right twice each day.

A man who has 2 watches can never be sure.

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 7 4 o f 8 7

Science

* If you want to understand Relativity, just think of those times when you needed to use the bathroom, then found your teenage daughter was in there and she said, “I’ll only be a minute.”

* It was an Irishman that invented the toilet seat, but it’s an Englishman that gets all the credit. And all he did was cut a hole in it!

* Have you heard of the new silent alarm clock. Instead of having a loud buzzer, it sprays the odors of fresh brewed coffee and fresh-cooked eggs and bacon

* I think we should stop spending money to research how old Planet Earth is and

concentrate on stuff that will keep it around a bit longer!

* If it wasn’t for Thomas Edison inventing the electric light, I’d be working on my computer by candle-light!

Show Business

Actors

* The Actor had a pretty girl bailed up at a party. He said, “That’s enough about me. I’d rather we talk about you. What did you think of my latest movie?”

* One starlet in Hollywood has improved her career by dating a few producers. Every time they make a move, she makes a movie!

* Melvin said, “I’m an actor”

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P a g e 7 5 o f 8 7

Jenny asked, “That’s nice, but what do you do for a living?”

* The Stage Manager put him in the program after the trained monkey but he wouldn’t go on. He didn’t want to be mistaken for an encore!

* Anne said,” That new actress has done very well without a Press Agent”

Arnold said, “How? Does she use word of mouth to advertise?”

Anne replied,” I’ve heard it’s more mouth to mouth!”

Musicians

* Jerry knew the other tenants didn’t like him playing his drums but he had to practice because that’s how he earned his living. One day, he met the custodian on the stairs and asked him,” Does my drumming worry you?”

The guy replied, “It did when the first tenant complained to me but after 2 weeks of it, I don’t mind what they do to you!”

* An agent said, “I can’t get any work for that piano player. He’s the Van Gogh of the Music World – he’s got no ear!”

* The World-famous violinist was the only survivor when his plane crashed in the

African Jungle. He scrambled through the wreckage and found his violin, also un-harmed.

Then he started to walk along a track, hoping it would lead to a village. But he saw a ferocious lion stalking him.

In desperation, he pulled out his violin and, despite some trembling because of his situation, began to play beautiful music.

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P a g e 7 6 o f 8 7

The monkeys stopped their chattering to listen, snakes stopped slithering (try saying that 3

times quickly) and even the birds stopped whistling – they all were enthralled by the music.

The World-famous violinist thought, “It’s true – music does soothe the savage beasts!”

Then the lion jumped on him and ate him.

One of the bigger monkeys (he was safely high in a tree) said, “Lion, why did you do that

– the music was exquisite!!!”

The lion looked up and said, Eh … speak up?!”

* The paper reported there was a riot at a Heavy Metal concert last night. I just want to know how they could tell?!

Speakers

The Master of Ceremonies turned to the Guest Speaker as he sat back down and said, “

Thank you, Mr Jones. We have a spare 5 minutes left in our program. Could you help us out by telling us what the speech you just gave us was about?”

* The Master of Ceremonies said, “I’d rather hear our next presenter speak than eat. And I’ve heard him do both!”

* I asked one veteran speaker, “Why do you move around so much when you give your

talks.”

He said, “I feel safer if I stay a moving target.”

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 7 7 o f 8 7

Sport

Football

* Patrick didn’t think his team was being treated fairly by the umpire. He thought he’d stopped his opponent getting a goal and the other player called over the umpire, claiming that the goal was legal.

Patrick asked, “Who’s right?”

The umpire said, “We are.”

* Mrs Schultz was telling everyone how well her son was doing on his college’s football team.

Her neighbor asked, “What position does he play?”

Mrs Schultz said, “Some sort of back.”

Her neighbor asked, “ Quarterback?”

Mrs Schultz said proudly, “I remember, the Coach told me he was their biggest

drawback!”

Golf

* The Golfer stumbled slowly to the Clubhouse. He said to his playing partner, “Sorry, that was my worst game ever!”

The other chap said, “Oh, I didn’t realize you’d ever played before!”

* This was the duffer that shouted at his caddy after another bad round, “You must be the worst caddy in the World!”

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 7 8 o f 8 7

The caddy said quietly, “Sir, I can’t be – that would be an incredible co-incidence.”

Skiing

* Skiing is fairly expensive way to get some exercise. Every year, it brings joy, happiness and greater well-being to thousands of people – Doctors, chiropractors, splint-makers ….!

Toasts

Keep these handy even if you don’t have a need for them right now.

Travel

* I’ve always wanted to visit the Leaning Tower of Pisa but I’d imagine a lot of people might have trouble in the bathrooms there.

Transport

Cars

* When Alec was at college, he read lots of comics and built himself a copy of the BatMobile. Then his girlfriend got pregnant, so he had to sell it and get a ‘BratMobile’!

* I’ve been saving since 2000 and this year, 2005, I’m going to pay the deposit on a discounted 2004 model which I’ll own outright by 2010!

* Scientists, with the help of a 2 year, $400,000 grant have confirmed that the loudest noise you will ever hear is the first rattle in your new car.

* Another scientist developed a new product that every motorist will want to buy, a windscreen wiper that destroys parking tickets.

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 7 9 o f 8 7

* He complained to the salesman that sold him the used car, “You said it was only driven by a little old lady, but the ashtrays are full of cigar butts.”

The salesman had the perfect answer, “I told you the truth – there’s her picture.”

The little old lady was 59 year old ‘Dynamite Doris, Darling of the Demolition Derbies!’

Railways.

A sleeper is one that sleeps. A sleeper is also a railway carriage that is set up for people to sleep in. A sleeper can also be the wooden block under the railway tracks over which the train runs.

So, while the sleeper sleeps in the sleeper, the sleeper carries the sleeper over the sleeper under the sleeper until the sleeper that carries the sleeper jumps the sleeper and wakes up the sleeper by striking the sleeper under the sleeper and there no longer any

sleeper for the sleeper who was sleeping in the sleeper on the sleeper.

Did that put you to sleep?

War of the Sexes

* The man stood in the middle of a great desert talking to himself. There was no woman for miles in any direction.

My question is, “Was he still wrong?”

* A male scientist issued this finding, “Women are born with a reduced sense of humor so they can love men without laughing at them.”

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P a g e 8 0 o f 8 7

He vs She

* Morton realised the spark had gone from their marriage when he saw that the only pills in the medicine cabinet were a jumbo-sized box of aspirin.

* His lawyer asked Athol, “Why did your wife sue for divorce?”

He replied, “Because I tried to help her.”

The lawyer said, “How was that?”

Athol moaned, “She said sex was becoming just like another household chore, so I offered to get a girl in twice a week to help out!”

* Larry had been a noted wolf before he got married and I don’t think things changed much.

His wife was thrilled when he bought her 3 differently colored wigs for her birthday. But he told me that it was so she wouldn’t get suspicious if she found different colored hair on his collars!

* Marilyn visited her new neighbors to welcome them to the town.

Anne said, “My husband’s at work but please come in and have a drink and a chat.”

Marilyn noticed there was a framed print of the Three Wise Monkeys on their wall. Anne said, “Yes, I bought that. I think it’s very important to not gossip.”

Marilyn said, “I agree but that means you wouldn’t have much fun at our sewing circle!”

* Carol asked Debbie, “Do you like those men that are continually pawing you or the other kind?”

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P a g e 8 1 o f 8 7

Debbie asked, “What other kind?”

* I asked Bert, Have you ever looked at another woman since you were married?”

He said, “I can honestly say no. After meeting my wife, I’ve gone off them entirely!”

* “I love your clinging evening gown.” he said with a suggestive smile.

His wife shot back, “I don’t, because it’s been clinging to me for 3 years!”

* My niece is a lawyer. She’s just written a book about alimony. She called it, “Bounty from the Mutiny”.

* The neighbor told me that his mother in law is visiting them.

I asked, “How do you get on?”

He said,” I haven’t spoken to her in three days.”

“Why not?”

He answered, “I’m not supposed to interrupt her.”

* As he staggered in their front door, he found that she had waited up for him.

She said, “I’m glad you finally realized that Home is the best place.”

“Actually, my darling, it’s the only one that’s still open!”

* Bert asked Alfred, “What did your wife say when you got home late last night?”

Alfred said, Nothing.”

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P a g e 8 2 o f 8 7

Bert said, “That was nice of her.”

Alfred replied, “Not really – it still took her two hours!”

* Sam asked Alfred, “Do you talk to your wife when you make love?”

Alfred said, “Sometimes, if she phones me.”

* Rudolph and his wife lived in a small apartment in Moscow. They argued over

everything. One evening, Rudolph looked out the window and said, Sasha, it’s raining.”

She replied, “No Rudolph, it’s snowing.”

He looked at and said, “It’s not snow. After 12 years in the Russian Weather Service, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

* When my boss got home last night, his wife said, “The cook quit today. She said you shouted at her on the phone.”

He replied, “I apologized and told her the truth. I thought she was you!”

* Her husband said, “Let’s go out and have some fun tonight?”

“Okay,” she agreed, “but be sure to leave the light on in the hall if you get home first!”

* A couple ended the weekend with a blazing argument and neither would give ground.

She went to the bathroom, then to bed.

She saw that he had pinned a note to her pillow and thought, “How sweet!” But then she read it. All it said was, “IMPORTANT! I’ve got to be at the office early tomorrow. Wake me at 7am.”

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T h e P O W E R o f L a u g h t e r ’ b y J o h n W i l l i a m s

P a g e 8 3 o f 8 7

When he woke in the morning, he saw that it was 10am and the sun was shining outside.

He looked at his pillow and saw a note pinned there, “It’s 7am WAKE UP!”

* Arthur’s wife was very upset when he got home so he asked her why.

Jenny said, “I saw Mrs Crabthorpe in the Mall and she walked right past me. She must think she’s better than me!”

Arthur said, “I’ve heard that she’s a lying tart and never passed second grade. Darling, you are as good as she is!”

* He said to his wife, “These tv soaps that you watch all day are ridiculous. They’re supposed to be just like us. Our arguments don’t end with organ music!”

She said quietly, “Well, they haven’t …. yet.”

Writers

* The newspaper editor rang a farmer and said,” I’m ringing to check our cub reporter’s story. Did you have 2,008 pigs stolen?”

The farmer replied, “Yeth.”

The editor said, ”Thank you.”

When the story appeared in the paper, it said, “Two sows and eight pigs stolen.”.

* The brash and boring poet met a girl at a party and said,” My publisher said they will publish my complete works posthumously as a tribute.”

She said, “That’s wonderful. I can’t wait for it to become available!”

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P a g e 8 4 o f 8 7

* You’ve probably heard about the guy who bought a book, ‘How to Hug’, because he

thought it was a sex book when it was really just part of a set of encyclopaedia – so I won’t tell you that one.

I did something similar the other day – got really excited when I saw a new book from France, ‘100 Risque Stories’. I couldn’t wait to get my money out and then get the book home.

Well, I was disappointed but how can I complain? They were children’s fairy tales by a nice old priest called Father Risque!

* The writer asked a bookseller, “How is my autobiography doing?”

She replied, “Okay, “Then she pointed to a sour looking man who was just leaving the bookshop with a large parcel. “He bought twelve copies!”

The writer said, “Oh no! That’s my ex-wife’s lawyer!”

* “How is your son doing as a ghost writer?”

“He’s very successful. He’s now got two people doing his writing for him!”

* The Tax Inspector looked at the author and said, “I’m checking your last Tax return and I’ve got just one question – I thought you said that you don’t write fiction?”

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P a g e 8 5 o f 8 7

Using Humor to Heal

Some years ago, Norman Cousins was diagnosed with a serious debilitating illness and he, in consultation with his Doctor, used relaxation - assisted by watching many classic comedy films - as part of his response to the illness.

Norman Cousins stressed that humor did not beat his illness, but humor was a means that he used to improve the way he approached his life and it is a matter of record that this change of viewpoint helped significantly with his recovery.

His story was the subject of a book called, ‘Anatomy of An Illness’ which I recommend that you read.

Another place where humor was deliberately made part of a recuperative program was the hospital operated by Archibald McIndoe in England during the Second World War. This was where Members of the Royal Air Force that suffered major burns, as a result of being shot down, were treated.

The beginning of that War also marked the first breakthroughs in the treatment of serious trauma. Surgeons and the R.A.F. administration, among others, were starting to

understand that attention to the psychological state of these patients was as important as treating the physical injuries – the trauma could be as deadly as the burn!

There’s a BBC documentary called ‘the Guinea Pig Club’ about the successful program run by McIndoe (with the cooperation of the RAF administration) and it was also the subject of a wonderful book, ‘The Reconstruction of Warriors’ by Emily Mayhew that was published in September 2004.

Emily Mayhew, the author, is also the grand-daughter of one of the many young women that lived near the hospital and regularly visited the patients. McIndoe deliberately recruited the most attractive nurses that he could find (something that might be much harder to do in these politically correct days) and, yes, humor was seriously encouraged.

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P a g e 8 6 o f 8 7

Most of the patients were severely disfigured and the enthusiastic support of the entire village, which became known as ‘the village that never stared’, was also a major factor in the success of the program.

This was as impressive to me as the courage of the patients themselves.

Since those successes, there has been a growing acceptance of the Power of Laughter.

I learnt that many amputees create and share jokes through a lady that lost part of one leg due to diabetes. She counseled hospital patients that were to have amputations for various medical reasons. Humor is an important part of her stock in trade. I have not included any examples here because much of the stuff she showed me was as dark as it was funny.

There are now many programs that use humor to assist many types of hospital patients through their recovery. This can be clowns visiting child patients and others or group

“laughter therapy” sessions for adult patients.

Such programs can be useful, especially when the providers are competent professionals -

whether clowns and presenters. Otherwise, most of the benefit is likely to disappear as soon as they leave the room.

You cannot force people to be funny – if they are uncomfortable and tense up, then that feeling is likely to transmit itself through the whole group.

Telling somebody that they are very funny when their joke or the way they presented it mis-fired is likely to make them repeat that effort – something which will not help them or the people they tell the story to.

But, if the leader maintains a fun atmosphere and everybody feels that they are among friends, the power of humor will help their healing.

Now, it’s up to you. There is everything you need here to begin using humor to brighten your outlook on life and the lives of those around you.

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P a g e 8 7 o f 8 7

Another eBookWholesaler Publication

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