The Library: Revised and Condensed by Rodney Ohebsion - HTML preview

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The Declaration of Independence

Author: Jefferson, Thomas Published: Philadelphia, 1776

Dear John, George, and all you other British Assholes:
It’s over!
We’ve had enough of your Bullshit!
And—even though you don’t deserve an explanation—we’ll tell you exactly why we’re getting rid of you

cigar smoking, fish and chips eating, cheerioing motherfuckers! (And don’t even get us started on that shitty “sport” you call football).

We’ve been taking it up the bum for four score and some odd years, and it’s about time we reclaim our asses.
We’re human beings—and dagnabbitt, human beings don’t deserve to be treated like this (except for women, Indians, negroes, homosexuals, etc.—but that pretty much goes without saying).
And let me ask you something:
What’s the only legitimate purpose of a government?
I’ll make it easy for you.
Multiple choice:
(a) to make life better for the people
or (b) to enable a few selfish assholes to rape the people
I’ll bet you answered “b,” you biscuit munching son of a bitch bastards.
So guess what?
We have the God-given right to make it “a.”
Now, we realize that sometimes you just have to let some shit slide.
But you’ve been sending over about a million truckloads of shit a day—and we’re up to our ankles in it.
You haven’t done an ounce of good for us in decades.
Probably because you’ve been too busy forcing us to trade with you, convicting us of crimes we didn’t commit, sending over a bunch of thugs to fuck up our shit, and last but not least, Taking Our Fucking Money!
We made the mistake of trying to reason with you, assuming that you’d eventually act like human beings.
We should have known better.
We do now.
And now we’re free—and we consider you the same as any other country: our enemies in war, and our friends in peace.
In other words, if you so much as try to take another dollar from us, we’ll cut out your fucking hearts and use them to wipe our asses!

Sincerely, Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock, and A Few Dozen Other Pissed Off Americans P.S. FUCK YOU!!!!!!