The Library: Revised and Condensed by Rodney Ohebsion - HTML preview

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Hammurabi’s Code

Author: Hammurabi Published: Babylon, 1800 BC

If a married man fails to comment on his wife’s weight loss of more than six pounds, the wife shall be given the one-time right to slap him in the face in the middle of the night without any warning or explanation.

If a woman catches her husband masturbating to anything other than his imagination, the wife shall be given two expiration free “Get Out of Sex Free” exemptions, and the husband shall be forced to agree with everything she says for the next twenty four hours.

If a woman interrupts her husband during the last two minutes of an NFL regular season football game involving at least one team with a winning percentage of over .600, the husband shall be given the right to tape her mouth shut for the next two hours.

If a married woman nags her husband for more than twenty minutes in any two hour span, the husband shall be given the one-time right to have intercourse with any woman or goat within a twenty seven mile radius of his home. Should she nag him for more than twenty minutes during the second half of an NFL playoff game, he shall also be given the right to rent his own bachelor pad for six months.

If a woman records herself masturbating with finger, toy, or cucumber, she shall email me the recording at


If a comedian steals jokes from another comedian, the thief shall tell nothing but knock-knock jokes for the next nine months.


If anyone farts in the presence of a high official or a member of the Hamurrabi fan club, the farter shall be locked in a room with a gassy donkey, and be forced to smell the donkey’s emissions for ten hours.

If anyone commits a robbery, falsely accuses someone of a crime, purchases goods from a minor without another adult present, takes the last cookie out of the cookie jar, or boils a goat in anything other than its mother’s milk, he shall be put to death. But if he has money, he shall pay a fine and spend time in prison. And if he has a lot of money, he shall pay a fine, and a random poor man shall spend time in prison.
If a man is caught watching anything that in any way, shape, or form, can be characterized as a “chick flick,” and he is not accompanied by at least one single woman, or at least one married woman who is known to fool around, then the man shall be forced to wear nothing but a bra and panties in public for the next three hundred and seventy two days.

If a man accidentally puts his hand in another man’s pants, he shall keep it there for at least forty-seven minutes and twenty three seconds, or until the second man sings our national anthem while setting his wrist sundial for daylight savings time.