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Robinson Crusoe
Crime and Punishment
Hammurabi’s Code
Author: Hammurabi
Published: Babylon, 1800 BC
If a married man fails to comment on his wife’s weight loss of more than six pounds, the wife shall be given the
one-time right to slap him in the face in the middle of the night without any warning or explanation.
If a woman catches her husband masturbating to anything other than his imagination, the wife shall be given two
expiration free “Get Out of Sex Free” exemptions, and the husband shall be forced to agree with everything she
says for the next twenty four hours.
If a woman interrupts her husband during the last two minutes of an NFL regular season football game involving at
least one team with a winning percentage of over .600, the husband shall be given the right to tape her mouth shut
for the next two hours.
If a married woman nags her husband for more than twenty minutes in any two hour span, the husband shall be
given the one-time right to have intercourse with any woman or goat within a twenty seven mile radius of his
home. Should she nag him for more than twenty minutes during the second half of an NFL playoff game, he shall
also be given the right to rent his own bachelor pad for six months.
If a woman records herself masturbating with finger, toy, or cucumber, she shall email me the recording at
If a comedian steals jokes from another comedian, the thief shall tell nothing but knock-knock jokes for the next
nine months.
If anyone farts in the presence of a high official or a member of the Hamurrabi fan club, the farter shall be locked
in a room with a gassy donkey, and be forced to smell the donkey’s emissions for ten hours.
If anyone commits a robbery, falsely accuses someone of a crime, purchases goods from a minor without another
adult present, takes the last cookie out of the cookie jar, or boils a goat in anything other than its mother’s milk, he
shall be put to death. But if he has money, he shall pay a fine and spend time in prison. And if he has a lot of
money, he shall pay a fine, and a random poor man shall spend time in prison.