Introducing Day 4, Week 1
Hello and welcome back. We’re on day four, and you’ll be glad to know that this is the final day where everything is about stuff that you’ve got to stop. Tomorrow we get to some positive stuff, some things you need to start, I’m going to build you back up again! Today, we even get to some talk about sex, don’t get too excited though, it’s some stuff I’m going to strongly suggest you stop if you’re lucky enough to be getting some sex at the moment. Before we begin with today’s stop topics though, let’s look at how you got on with yesterday’s exercises…
Summarizing what we learnt yesterday
So, how did yesterday’s exercises go?...
Did your partner try and give you any affection yesterday? Any cuddling in? Any kissing requests? How did you react? Did you reciprocate? Hopefully you didn’t grope back in return or try and initiate sex just yet?
I'm sure I don't need to ask you if you had an affair yesterday! But I will remind you about what I said - that having an affair is not the answer.
How did you get on with that look but don't touch rule in terms of your flirting with others?
Did you manage to keep the egotistical maniac within you under control?
Did your partner ask you questions yesterday that you really didn't want to answer? If so did you answer them? Were you a good boy and you answered nicely and calmly?
Realistically your partner’s period isn't going to magically fall on yesterday's date. So you probably won't have had an opportunity to practice this one. So, all I'm going to hope is that you remembered not to ask derogatory questions about your partners monthly cycle. If it is currently your partners monthly cycle, then did you give her compassion?
Did the opportunity for somebody to wipe their feet all over your doormat present itself yesterday? If it did how did you react? Did you remove their feet from your doormat? Have you started banishing those insecurities once and for all?
So, any controlling and manipulating activities from your partner yesterday? Did you give it a go to alter your thoughts on what this might be? Did it help? Did you come to any conclusions about whether or not it was your partner's way of trying to improve things? Likewise did you manage to keep your own controlling and manipulative behaviour in check?
Did you pick up on any resentments that your partner may have toward you? Likewise did you find yourself resenting your partner at all? If you did, have you done anything about it? Did you have a conversation with your partner about it?
Did you spin your partner any lies yesterday? Did you keep anything from her? If you did - then did you ask yourself why you did that?
So, how much decent quality time did you spend with your partner yesterday? An hour, a half hour, 5 minutes? Did you spend enough time with her to really connect and catch up, to find out who each other was again? If not what did you do about it? Did you talk with your partner about how you could make more time for each other? If not go do so, we'll be getting to why it’s so important to have time with your partner in later days.
Hopefully you won't have asked your partner yesterday if she was “in the mood for sex” with you. You didn't, did you? I really hope not. And if you've been rejected for sex by your partner, not that I'd advise you go for it yet, but how did you take it? Did you just brush it off?
Rightyho then… let’s get on with today’s topics…
Make your partner feel safe
Okay, ground rule number 33 - your partner needs to feel ‘safe’ in your relationship. So, what does ‘safe’ mean? Well, I’m not going to go you the dictionary definition here, because I think you’ll work it out from the following paragraphs, from which you can then fit it to your own situation.
In order for your partner to start to feel turned on she will need to feel emotionally, physiologically and physically safe around you. If it’s possible that your partner doesn't feel all of these three things when she's with you – then you have to sort that out if you are to move on. If your partner can trust you then she will be able to relax and get in the mood with you a whole load easier. If your partner doesn’t have that trust and feeling of emotionally safety then she's going to chuck a load of barriers up around her - one of which will be not wanting sex with you.
So how do you increase the feeling of emotional safety in your partner?:
Be around! The first one is that simple! Spend more time with your partner, or just keep spending time if you already do. By being present your partner will feel emotional safety. We'll get onto you spending more time with your partner as we get further on in, but for the moment please just remember that spending time together is going to be a fairly fundamental requirement.
Open up a bit and show some emotion - if your partner detects that there might be an issue in your relationship - then change the habit of a lifetime, quit being such a ‘bloke’:
Talk with your partner about how you are feeling - just open up a bit occasionally, let her in.
Tell your partner what's wrong – you’re never going to be 100% happy, so talk with her about what’ making you be down when this occurs.
Tell her what's going on in that head of yours – back to letting her in a bit.
Reveal a bit of you that you otherwise wouldn’t.
Try telling her your fears and your dreams for once.
Tell your partner that you love her more often than you do (unless you do it lots already, in which case if you start doing it more you'll just come across as totally mental).
Make your partner feel valued - we'll come on to this stuff when we get to the start it now stuff though. So for the moment just remember that making your partner feel valued = a good thing.
Show your partner that you appreciate her and what she does for you, your home, your children, etc. through your actions and through the words that you use. Again, on this one we’ll get to more specifics on what you can say and do in later days.
The final one is a biggie, and may not seem that relevant, depending on your situation – but if your partner discovers that she’s pregnant and it is an unplanned pregnancy then don't, whatever you do, react badly (or worse, run away! even for a small amount of time). Why? Because that's going to kill the trust in the relationship - and if you have any kind of desire to keep the relationship going then your partner is going to remember this sort of reaction for a very long time, if not forever, and that isn’t going to help your long term sex prospects.
Spite
Now, this absolutely goes with the above tip; I also need you to stop thinking that your partner is withholding sex from you out of spite*, there will more than likely be plenty of other reasons as to why you aren’t getting quite as much sex as you'd like. Again, keep reading the course, and as you go on you’ll discover plenty of other reasons why she isn’t leaping into bed with you quite so often.
Now I grant you that yes, depending on the current state of your relationship that she might well be, but if you’re a good boy and you actually do stop the “stop it now’s then spite won’t be a reason why she doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Inspector Clouseau
I’m really, really hoping that you’ve never done this… but if you’ve been spending lots of time working out from surveys in the media or from conversations with friends what the average number of times that you and your partner should be having sex per week is, and then you’ve actually presented that stat to your partner with the thought that it will actually make a difference, that she’ll suddenly see the light and think “oh goodness me, he’s quite right, we’re not having sex as often as the national average, quick, let’s go to bed and make up for all those times we’ve missed” – then STOP IT. Because, and I’m sorry if you are far too clever a reader to actually realise this and I’ve wasted 10 seconds of your life – but this really won’t help, and it won’t make an iota of a difference, in fact it’s more than likely to only mean that your partner digs her heels in even more to deny you sex.
Plug the hoover in
We’ll talk lots more about why you helping out around the house, helping with the kids, etc. is very important to you getting more sex, so right here I want to introduce you to a concept that might be a little shocking. So you are ready for what’s coming? Here it is... If you do nothing about the house and your partner does everything - ie she’s doing the cleaning, ironing, cooking, washing, dishwasher emptying, looking after all the children’s need’s, etc. etc. then you need to start to get to grips with the concept that you are going to have to give your partner some help if you want more sex.
Why? Well, when you do start to help out, even if it’s just small gestures (ie finally putting up that shelf that she's been asking you to put up for the past 2 years, cleaning the bathroom once in a while, etc.) what you will more than likely find is that these small things that you do outside of the bedroom will lead to bigger things inside of the bedroom. If you do small things such as this then it will have a massive impact on how your partner feels about you and the relationship and that will in turn start things going in the right direction.
Let’s try and put ourselves in her shoes for a moment – let’s try and see what it’s like for your partner. Imagine swapping roles for a week - or you could take it further than your imagination and take a few days off to try this stuff out for yourself if you really wanted to! Go down the following checklist in your head and see which of you does what…
Organising social life
Clean car
Maintain car
Gardening
Load and unload the dishwasher
Washing clothes
Unloading washing machine and drying clothes
Buying the children’s clothes
Sorting the laundry
Taking out the rubbish and recycling
Cleaning
DIY and organising repairs and maintenance to the home
Paying all the bills / looking after the finances
Clearing up the house on a night
Cooking the evening meal
Doing the supermarket shop
Arranging play dates for your children
Getting the children to bed
Reading the children a bedtime story
Dealing with childcare
Getting the children ready for school
Child welfare, such as taking your children to the doctors
Parents evenings and meetings with your children’s teacher/s
Supervising homework
Doing the school run
Making packed lunches
Making breakfast
It’s quite a list, but I wonder how many of these things you do compared to how many your partner does? Now I grant you that in showing you this example I’m making the assumption that you are the person who goes out to work most of the time and that your partner does most of these things above, so it may be a little unfair for some of you.
Still don’t believe that helping out more at home is going to help? Still struggling with the concept that you doing some of these things is really going to help matters? Okay then, give some of them a try and see for yourself; try getting some of those jobs done that she’s been going on at you for ages about, do some housework for a change, surprise her and clean a bathroom or two, hoover the house without being asked to, or go wild and take a day off and clean the house from top to bottom and then pickup the kids from school – then see for yourself what the results are - depending on the stage that you’re at with fixing your relationship this could take time, and granted she may not suddenly run to the bedroom shouting “take me big boy” if you’ve just hovered the lounge, but it is absolutely sure to have a very positive, rather than a negative, impact.
Clever ogling
I assume that if you are a red blooded, alpha male, then you appreciate the female form. That’s great, you are absolutely right, there are some splendid female forms out there to admire. But the point here is around your partner catching you doing your admiring and how this isn’t going to help her feelings of warmth towards you. Now, I’m not going to suggest that you stop ogling other women altogether, you’d only tell me where to go I’m sure, but I am going to suggest that when your partner is with you that if you can’t help yourself then you at least attempt to do it subtly so that your partner doesn’t notice.
Why? Like I really need to tell you, but here goes… in order to stir up those nice feelings of warmth and connection to you your partner needs to feel like she is the only person that you’ve got eyes for. Now it’s fair enough, I can quite understand that you want to ogle other women, stare at their fine breasts, look at their great legs, wonder what they’d look like naked, etc. you are perfectly normal - but - one sure fire way to get less sex is to do this really obviously when you are out and about with your partner.
If you are going to look at other women then do it subtly and do it in a nice admiring / non-stalker / sex pest kind of a way - a lot of women would love it if you admired them and found them attractive, and done in the right way this can be very flattering and your partner might well be ok about it.
Stop being a drunk
If you are a big drinker then can I make a suggestion please that you at least take the following points into consideration:
You consuming lots and lots of alcohol is not going to help you get more sex your partner.
She may well be very turned off by the amount that you drink and especially so when you are trying to get her into bed.
If you are that far gone it certainly won't help you be a good lover.
I’ll leave that with you. Lecture over.
****
Okay. I think now it’s well worth mentioning that you’ve covered off all of the really unpleasant stop it now’s. Whilst there are still quite a few more to go they will start to get easier from here on in.
Don’t be too similar
Want a relationship that’s got buzz (p.s. it’s a good thing to have one that’s at least starting to buzz if you also want a supa-duper sex life), then here’s a good one to try and get your head round… being too similar to your partner is not a good thing. Now you might read too much into that, so let’s explain a little more on this.
I’m going to suggest that if you spend too much time with your partner then it could have a detrimental impact on the desire that you feel for each other. If you think this sounds familiar then you could try some of these tips and see how they go...
Go down the pub with some mates occasionally or go play a game of squash (or other sport that takes your fancy) with a friend, ie get out of her hair and show her you’ve got a life away from your relationship.
Be interested in talking with your friends on the phone a tiny bit more instead of spending all of your time with your partner.
Take some time out on your own to read a magazine.
Get interested in life, become less boring, go get some excitement in your life. We’re talking living life to the full here, I could list off 1,000 suggestions, but I’m sure you could use your imagination… go bungy jumping, read a book without pictures, start a University course, etc. Two of these are pretty extreme examples, but hopefully you get the drift.
Try and stay clear of taking on all of your partner's hobbies and interests (unless they genuinely do actually really interest you of course). Perhaps consider getting a few of your own as well.
Be a bit more cool with each other every so often. I’m not saying ‘standoffish’, just ‘cool’. There’s a big difference.
Now potentially all of these ideas may sound a bit like you playing a game with your partner. But the goal here is to show your partner that you are interesting, that you are far from being Mr. Dull and Boring, and if you play this one right then it really isn’t going to do any harm whatsoever to make her think that she has to work that little bit harder to maintain your interest.
Your naked bod does not turn your partner on, sorry!
Sorry chaps, the title says it all. I’m afraid that you need to stop thinking that by you prancing about butt naked in the bedroom that you are magically going to turn your partner on. This might have worked in the past, but more than likely that was only during the infatuation stage of your relationship, when all of those frightfully clever infatuation chemicals were whizzing about in both of your bods. Women are just wired differently to blokes and it doesn’t work for them as it does for us. You get turned on by seeing stuff, ie fine naked women, but your partner primarily get’s turned on physiologically.
Sex vs. Football
If your partner has been trying to initiate sex (lucky you) and you've been trying to watch the cricket, the football, rugby, etc. on television and you have brushed her off with a “not now dear”, because quite frankly you made the decision that the cricket, football, rugby, etc. was way more important - then you need to know that that’s not a good long term plan. You may well be superbly thick skinned because you've had lots of practice at being rejected by women when you were younger, but your partner may…
Be less thick skinned than you, and…
Won’t take (what she will see as) rejection in a good way.
This could damage your short term future chances of getting some.
Pick up the stinky socks
That’s your stinky socks. Keep your bedroom clean and tidy, don’t leave your beer cans lying about, your clothes all over the floor, your skanky tissues on the bedside table and your FHM magazines (or similar) lying about for your partner to get all jealous and annoyed about. Go clear them up. Know right here, right now that it isn’t going to make for a romantic and relaxing environment for your partner to have all of this sort of stuff lying about. It’s very likely to be very important to her, and therefore needs to be important to you as well please.
Mr. Trumpy
I’m quite sure that I really don’t need to be telling you this, but just in case this is you I’ll take the risk of wasting the sensible readers time… If you are doing stupid stuff that's going to really piss your partner off and totally gross her out, then stop it, it isn’t going to help you get more sex. Do you really need examples? Okay - farting in front of your partner so that she smells the terrible stench, or picking your nose in front of her, would both be really great examples. I’m sure you can add plenty more of your own, so just be aware of the impact that such behaviour has please.
Keep your promises
Quit making promises to your partner that you cannot keep. Let’s say, for example, that you’ve promised to put a shelf up at the weekend, if you’ve said that you are going to do something then make sure you do your damnd’st to jolly well do it.
If you just haven’t been able to keep your promise for whatever reason, then…
Let her know that you’ve not done what you said you were going to do and apologise for not doing it.
Set a time when you will do it.
Let her know when you will get it done.
Then make sure that you do it then.
This also works for really quite important stuff such as picking up the kids from school, grabbing that all important wrapping paper for her mother’s birthday present that she’s asked you to get, etc. If it’s important to your partner, then make it important to you to if you value your sex life. I’m not saying that forgetting to buy wrapping paper is going to stop you getting sex, but keeping your promises, helping your partner out, pleasing her and doing what you say you will do keeps on building up those all-important building blocks towards you getting more.
Practice talking about your partner as if she’s there
If you say something bad about your partner to someone when you’re not with her, and that gets back to your partner I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that this isn’t going to go down well. So practise the habit of not say anything to anyone else about your partner that you would not say to her face, instead - talk about her as if she were there with you. Don’t take the risk.
****
Okay, phew, well done, you’ve completed all of the major and minor stop it now’s. You did good. Hopefully you’re now undertaking the exercises and following some or hopefully all of my advice. If you are then you are on your way to more sex. Keep hanging on in there; we’ll get to even more good stuff over the days to come.
We’re not done with the stop it now’s though I’m afraid. What I want to do now is to finish them off with what may seem like some fairly premature talk about sex. The goal here is to ensure that if you are lucky enough to be getting some sex occasionally that you don’t totally screw up your chances for next time by doing something stupid. Let’s take a look at them…
It’s not a race
What does this mean? We’ll get to that, but start by having a read of this next description…
Are you treating sex as a race to get from zero to penetration in as quick as time as possible? Are you mechanically going through the motions of; kiss her for a bit, tweak a nipple, then the other, stimulate her clit by rubbing round for a bit not really knowing what you are doing, getting zero feedback from your partner, then checking for wetness, no wetness? Okay, then repeat the above cycle until she’s “ready” (in your opinion), then penetrate. Essentially you are racing to get from jumping into bed with your partner to being inside here without a care for anything in-between, and stop treating the whole process as a “sex by numbers” game.
Sound familiar? Fair enough, you’re not alone, but this really needs to stop.
So, why on earth do you need to stop this?
Well for starters it’s more than likely to be a really dull, predictable experience for your partner, and if the sex is dull I think that we can fairly safely assume that she’s not going to be overly concerned about leaping into bed with you on a regular basis to get more of the same dullness. Now the first thing to note before we move on is that it’s not your fault if it is dull, you can’t be expected to ju