Sylvie and Bruno - Lewis Carroll Said Peter ‘Though I cannot sound It chanced one day, as Peter sat
The depths of such a man as you,
Gnawing a crust—his usual meal—
Yet in your character I’ve found
Paul bustled in to have a chat,
An inconsistency or two.
And grasped his hand with friendly zeal.
You seem to have long years to spare
‘I knew,’ said he, ‘your frugal ways: When there’s a promise to fulfil: So, that I might not wound your pride And yet how punctual you were
By bringing strangers in to gaze, In calling with that little bill!’
I’ve left my legal friend outside!
‘One can’t be too deliberate,’
‘You well remember, I am sure,
Said Paul, ‘in parting with one’s pelf.
When first your wealth began to go, With bills, as you correctly state, And people sneered at one so poor, I’m punctuality itself:
I never used my Peter so!
A man may surely claim his dues:
And when you’d lost your little all, But, when there’s money to be lent, And found yourself a thing despised, A man must be allowed to choose
I need not ask you to recall
Such times as are convenient!’
How tenderly I sympathised!
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Sylvie and Bruno - Lewis Carroll
‘Then the advice I’ve poured on you,
‘Not so,’ was Peter’s mild reply, So full of wisdom and of wit:
His cheeks all wet with grateful tears; All given gratis, though ’tis true No man recalls, so well as I,
I might have fairly charged for it!
Your services in bygone years:
But I refrain from mentioning
And this new offer, I admit,
Full many a deed I might relate
Is very very kindly meant—
For boasting is a kind of thing
Still, to avail myself of it
That I particularly hate.
Would not be quite convenient!’
‘How vast the total sum appears
You’ll see in a moment what the difference is between ‘con-Of all the kindnesses I’ve done,
venient’ and ‘inconvenient.’ You quite understand it now, From Childhood’s half-forgotten years don’t you?” he added, looking kindly at Bruno, who was Down to that Loan of April One!
sitting, at Sylvie’s side, on the floor.
That Fifty Pounds! You little guessed
“Yes,” said Bruno, very quietly. Such a short speech was How deep it drained my slender store: very unusual, for him: but just then he seemed, I fancied, a But there’s a heart within this breast, little exhausted. In fact, he climbed up into Sylvie’s lap as he And I will lend you fifty more!’
spoke, and rested his head against her shoulder. “What a many verses it was!” he whispered.
68
Sylvie and Bruno - Lewis Carroll the knife so!”
CHAPTER 12
“If oo cuts it off, will oo give it to me, please? Bruno thoughtfully added.
A MUSICAL GARDENER
“It’s like this,” said the Other Professor, hastily drawing a long line upon the black board, and marking the letters ‘A,’
The Other Professor regarded him with some anxiety. “The
‘B,’ at the two ends, and ‘C’ in the middle: “let me explain it smaller animal ought to go to bed at once,” he said with an to you. If AB were to be divided into two parts at C—” air of authority.
“It would be drownded,” Bruno pronounced confidently.
“Why at once?” said the Professor.
The Other Professor gasped. “What would be drownded?”
“Because he can’t go at twice,” said the Other Professor.
“Why the bumble-bee, of course!” said Bruno. “And the The Professor gently clapped his hands. ‘Isn’t he wonder-two bits would sink down in the sea!” ful!” he said to Sylvie. “Nobody else could have thought of Here the Professor interfered, as the Other Professor was the reason, so quick. Why, of course he ca’n’t go at twice! It evidently too much puzzled to go on with his diagram.
would hurt him to be divided.”
“When I said it would hurt him, I was merely referring to This remark woke up Bruno, suddenly and completely. “I the action of the nerves—”
don’t want to be divided,” he said decisively.
The Other Professor brightened up in a moment. “The
“It does very well on a diagram,” said the Other Professor.
action of the nerves,” he began eagerly, “is curiously slow in
“I could show it you in a minute, only the chalk’s a little some people. I had a friend, once, that, if you burnt him blunt.”
with a red-hot poker, it would take years and years before he
“Take care!” Sylvie anxiously exclaimed, as he began, rather felt it!”
clumsily, to point it. “You’ll cut your finger off, if you hold
“And if you only pinched him?” queried Sylvie.
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Sylvie and Bruno - Lewis Carroll
“Then it would take ever so much longer, of course. In length?”
fact, I doubt if the man himself would ever feel it, at all. His Never having considered the question in this light, I sug-grandchildren might.”
gested that they had better ask the Professor; and they ran
“I wouldn’t like to be the grandchild of a pinched grandfa-off in a moment to appeal to their old friend. The Professor ther, would you, Mister Sir?” Bruno whispered. “It might left off polishing his spectacles to consider. “My dears,” he come just when you wanted to be happy!” said after a minute, “the day is the same length as anything That would be awkward, I admitted, taking it quite as a that is the same length as it.” And he resumed his never-matter of course that he had so suddenly caught sight of me.
ending task of polishing.
“But don’t you always want to be happy, Bruno?” The children returned, slowly and thoughtfully, to report
“Not always,” Bruno said thoughtfully. “Sometimes, when his answer. “Isn’t he wise?”
I’s too happy, I wants to be a little miserable. Then I just tell Sylvie asked in an awestruck whisper. “If I was as wise as Sylvie about it, oo know, and Sylvie sets me some lessons.
that, I should have a head-ache all day long. I know I should!” Then it’s all right.”
“You appear to be talking to somebody—that isn’t here,”
“I’m sorry you don’t like lessons,” I said.
the Professor said, turning round to the children. “Who is
“You should copy Sylvie. She’s always as busy as the day is it?”
long!”
Bruno looked puzzled. “I never talks to nobody when he
“Well, so am I!” said Bruno.
isn’t here!” he replied. “It isn’t good manners. Oo should
“No, no!” Sylvie corrected him. “You’re as busy as the day always wait till he comes, before oo talks to him!” is short!”
The Professor looked anxiously in my direction, and seemed
“Well, what’s the difference?” Bruno asked. “Mister Sir, to look through and through me without seeing me. “Then isn’t the day as short as it’s long? I mean, isn’t it the same who are you talking to?” he said. “There isn’t anybody here, 70
Sylvie and Bruno - Lewis Carroll you know, except the Other Professor and he isn’t here!” he
“Lets try shouting,” said the Professor.
added wildly, turning round and round like a teetotum.
“What shall we shout?” said Sylvie.
“Children! Help to look for him! Quick! He’s got lost again!”
“On second thoughts, don’t shout,” the Professor replied.
The children were on their feet in a moment.
“The Vice-Warden might hear you. He’s getting awfully
“Where shall we look?” said Sylvie.
strict!”
“Anywhere!” shouted the excited Professor. “Only be quick This reminded the poor children of all the troubles, about about it!” And he began trotting round and round the room, which they had come to their old friend. Bruno sat down on lifting up the chairs, and shaking them.
the floor and began crying. “He is so cruel!” he sobbed. “And Bruno took a very small book out of the bookcase, opened he lets Uggug take away all my toys! And such horrid meals!” it, and shook it in imitation of the Professor. “He isn’t here,”
“What did you have for dinner to-day?” said the Professor.
he said.
“A little piece of a dead crow,” was Bruno’s mournful re-
“He ca’n’t be there, Bruno!” Sylvie said indignantly.
ply.
“Course he ca’n’t!” said Bruno. “I should have shooked
“He means rook-pie,” Sylvie explained.
him out, if he’d been in there!”
“It were a dead crow,” Bruno persisted. “And there were a
“Has he ever been lost before?” Sylvie enquired, turning apple-pudding —and Uggug ate it all—and I got nuffin but up a corner of the hearth-rug, and peeping under it.
a crust! And I asked for a orange—and—didn’t get it!” And
“Once before,” said the Professor: “he once lost himself in the poor little fellow buried his face in Sylvie’s lap, who kept a wood—”
gently stroking his hair,as she went on. “It’s all true, Profes-
“And couldn’t he find his-self again?” said Bruno. “Why sor dear! They do treat my darling Bruno very badly! And didn’t he shout? He’d be sure to hear his-self, ‘cause he couldn’t they’re not kind to me either,” she added in a lower tone, as be far off, oo know.”
if that were a thing of much less importance.
71
Sylvie and Bruno - Lewis Carroll The Professor got out a large red silk handkerchief, and I shall then question him about the Other Professor. This wiped his eyes. “I wish I could help you, dear children!” he will have a double advantage. First, it will open the conver-said. “But what can I do?”
sation (you can’t even drink a bottle of wine without open-
“We know the way to Fairyland—where Father’s gone—
ing it first): and secondly, if he’s seen the Other Professor, quite well,” said Sylvie: “if only the Gardener would let us we shall find him that way: and, if he hasn’t, we sha’n’t.” out.”
On our way, we passed the target, at which Uggug had
“Won’t he open the door for you?” said the Professor.
been made to shoot during the Ambassador’s visit.
“Not for us,” said Sylvie: “but I’m sure he would for you.
“See!” said the Professor, pointing out a hole in the middle Do come and ask him, Professor dear!” of the bull’s-eye. “His Imperial Fatness had only one shot at
“I’ll come this minute!” said the Professor.
it; and he went in just here!
Bruno sat up and dried his eyes. “Isn’t he kind, Mister Bruno carefully examined the hole. “Couldn’t go in there,” Sir?”
he whispered to me. “He are too fat!”
“He is indeed,” said I. But the Professor took no notice of We had no sort of difficulty in finding the Gardener.
my remark. He had put on a beautiful cap with a long tassel, Though he was hidden from us by some trees, that harsh and was selecting one of the Other Professor’s walking-sticks, voice of his served to direct us; and, as we drew nearer, the from a stand in the corner of the room. “A thick stick in words of his song became more and more plainly audible:—
one’s hand makes people respectful,” he was saying to himself. “Come along, dear children!” And we all went out into
“He thought he saw an Albatross
the garden together.
That fluttered round the lamp:
“I shall address him, first of all,” the Professor explained as He looked again, and found it was we went along, “with a few playful remarks on the weather.
A Penny-Postage-Stamp.
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Sylvie and Bruno - Lewis Carroll
‘You’d best be getting home,’ he said: singing softly to himself
‘The nights are very damp!’”
“The nights are very damp!”
“Would it be afraid of catching cold?” said Bruno.
If it got very damp,” Sylvie suggested, “it might stick to
“In digging things out of the ground which you probably something, you know.”
do now and then,” the Professor began in a loud voice; “in
“And that somefin would have to go by the post, what ever making things into heaps—which no doubt you often do; it was!” Bruno eagerly exclaimed. “Suppose it was a cow!
and in kicking things about with one heel—which you seem Wouldn’t it be dreadful for the other things!” never to leave off doing; have you ever happened to notice
“And all these things happened to him,” said the Professor.
another Professor something like me, but different?”
“That’s what makes the song so interesting.”
“Never!” shouted the Gardener, so loudly and violently
“He must have had a very curious life,” said Sylvie.
that we all drew back in alarm. “There ain’t such a thing!”
“You may say that!” the Professor heartily rejoined.
“We will try a less exciting topic,” the Professor mildly
“Of course she may!” cried Bruno.
remarked to the children. “You were asking—” By this time we had come up to the Gardener, who was
“We asked him to let us through the garden-door,” said standing on one leg, as usual, and busily employed in water-Sylvie: “but he wouldn’t: but perhaps he would for you!” ing a bed of flowers with an empty watering-can.
The Professor put the request, very humbly and courte-
“It hasn’t got no water in it!” Bruno explained to him, ously.
pulling his sleeve to attract his attention.
“I wouldn’t mind letting you out,” said the Gardener. “But
“It’s lighter to hold,” said the Gardener. “A lot of water in I mustn’t open the door for children. D’you think I’d dis-it makes one’s arms ache.” And he went on with his work, obey the Rules? Not for one-and-sixpence!” 73
Sylvie and Bruno - Lewis Carroll The Professor cautiously produced a couple of shillings.
open, we are going out by Rule—the Rule of Three.”
“That’ll do it!” the Gardener shouted, as he hurled the The Gardener looked puzzled, and let us go out; but, as he watering-can across the flower-bed, and produced a handful locked the door behind us, we heard him singing thought-of keys—one large one, and a number of small ones.
fully to himself
“But look here, Professor dear!” whispered Sylvie. “He needn’t open the door for us, at all. We can go out with
“He thought he saw a Garden-Door
you.”
That opened with a key:
“True, dear child!” the Professor thankfully replied, as he He looked again, and found it was replaced the coins in his pocket. “That saves two shillings!” A Double Rule of Three:
And he took the children’s hands, that they might all go out
‘And all its mystery,’ he said,
together when the door was opened. This, however, did not
‘Is clear as day to me!’”
seem a very likely event, though the Gardener patiently tried all the small keys, over and over again.
“I shall now return,” said the Professor, when we had walked At last the Professor ventured on a gentle suggestion. “Why a few yards: “you see, it’s impossible to read here, for all my not try the large one? I have often observed that a door un-books are in the house.”
locks much more nicely with its own key.” But the children still kept fast hold of his hands. “Do come The very first trial of the large key proved a success: the with us!” Sylvie entreated with tears in her eyes.
Gardener opened the door, and held out his hand for the
“Well, well!” said the good-natured old man. “Perhaps I’ll money.
come after you, some day soon. But I must go back now.
The Professor shook his head. “You are acting by Rule,” You see I left off at a comma, and it’s so awkward not know-he explained, “in opening the door for me. And now it’s ing how the sentence finishes! Besides, you’ve got to go 74
Sylvie and Bruno - Lewis Carroll through Dogland first, and I’m always a little nervous about dogs. But it’ll be quite easy to come, as soon as I’ve com-CHAPTER 13
pleted my new invention—for carrying one’s-self, you know.
It wants just a little more working out.” A VISIT TO DOGLAND
“Won’t that be very tiring, to carry yourself?” Sylvie enquired.
“There’s a house, away there to the left,” said Sylvie, after
“Well, no, my child. You see, whatever fatigue one incurs we had walked what seemed to me about fifty miles. “Let’s by carrying, one saves by being carried! Good-bye, dears!
go and ask for a night’s lodging.” Good-bye, Sir!” he added to my intense surprise, giving my
“It looks a very comfable house,” Bruno said, as we turned hand an affectionate squeeze.
into the road leading up to it. “I doos hope the Dogs will be
“Good-bye, Professor!” I replied: but my voice sounded kind to us, I is so tired and hungry!” strange and far away, and the children took not the slightest A Mastiff, dressed in a scarlet collar, and carrying a mus-notice of our farewell. Evidently they neither saw me nor ket, was pacing up and down, like a sentinel, in front of the heard me, as, with their arms lovingly twined round each entrance. He started, on catching sight of the children, and other, they marched boldly on.
came forwards to meet them, keeping his musket pointed straight at Bruno, who stood quite still, though he turned pale and kept tight hold of Sylvie’s hand, while the Sentinel walked solemnly round and round them, and looked at them from all points of view.
“Oobooh, hooh boohooyah!” He growled at last. “Woobah yahwah oobooh! Bow wahbah woobooyah? Bow wow?” he 75
Sylvie and Bruno - Lewis Carroll asked Bruno, severely.
hounds were solemnly sitting up, one on each side of the Of course Bruno understood all this, easily enough. All crown-bearer. Two or three Bull-dogs—whom I guessed to Fairies understand Doggee—that is, Dog-language. But, as be the Body-Guard of the King—were waiting in grim si-you may find it a little difficult, just at first, I had better put lence: in fact the only voices at all plainly audible were those it into English for you. “Humans, I verily believe! A couple of two little dogs, who had mounted a settee, and were hold-of stray Humans! What Dog do you belong to? What do ing a lively discussion that looked very like a quarrel.
you want?”
“Lords and Ladies in Waiting, and various Court Offi-
“We don’t belong to a Dog!” Bruno began, in Doggee.
cials,” our guide gruffly remarked, as he led us in. Of me the (“Peoples never belongs to Dogs!” he whispered to Sylvie.) Courtiers took no notice whatever: but Sylvie and Bruno But Sylvie hastily checked him, for fear of hurting the were the subject of many inquisitive looks, and many whis-Mastiff ’s feelings. “Please, we want a little food, and a night’s pered remarks, of which I only distinctly caught one—made lodging—if there’s room in the house,” she added timidly.
by a sly-looking Dachshund to his friend “Bah wooh wahyah Sylvie spoke Doggee very prettily: but I think it’s almost hoobah Oobooh, hah bah?” (“She’s not such a bad-looking better, for you, to give the conversation in English.
Human, is she?”)
“The house, indeed!” growled the Sentinel. “Have you Leaving the new arrivals in the centre of the Saloon, the never seen a Palace in your life?
Sentinel advanced to a door, at the further end of it, which Come along with me! His Majesty must settle what’s to be bore an inscription, painted on it in Doggee, “Royal Ken-done with you.”
nel—scratch and Yell.”
They followed him through the entrance-hall, down a long Before doing this, the Sentinel turned to the children, and passage, and into a magnificent Saloon, around which were said “Give me your names.”
grouped dogs of all sorts and sizes. Two splendid Blood-
“We’d rather not!” Bruno exclaimed, pulling’ Sylvie away 76
Sylvie and Bruno - Lewis Carroll from the door. “We want them ourselves. Come back, Sylvie!
nation. “Look! It’s like this!” And he pricked up his ears like Come quick!”
two railway signals.
“Nonsense!’, said Sylvie very decidedly: and gave their Sylvie gently explained matters. “I’m afraid we ca’n’t man-names in Doggee.
age it,” she said in a low voice. “I’m very sorry: but our ears Then the Sentinel scratched violently at the door, and gave haven’t got the right—” she wanted to say “machinery” in a yell that made Bruno shiver from head to foot.
Doggee: but she had forgotten the word, and could only
“Hooyah wah!” said a deep voice inside. (That’s Doggee think of “steam-engine.”
for “Come in!”)
The Sentinel repeated Sylvie’s explanation to the King.
“It’s the King himself!” the Mastiff whispered in an awe-
“Can’t prick up their ears without a steam-engine!” His struck tone. “Take off your wigs, and lay them humbly at Majesty exclaimed. “They must be curious creatures! I must his paws.” (What we should call “at his feet.”) have a look at them!” And he came out of his Kennel, and Sylvie was just going to explain, very politely, that really walked solemnly up to the children.
they couldn’t perform that ceremony, because their wigs What was the amazement—nor to say the horror of the wouldn’t come off, when the door of the Royal Kennel whole assembly, when Sylvie actually patted His Majesty on opened, and an enormous Newfoundland Dog put his head the head, while Bruno seized his long ears and pretended to out. “Bow wow?” was his first question.
tie them together under his chin!
“When His Majesty speaks to you,” the Sentinel hastily The Sentinel groaned aloud: a beautiful Greyhound who whispered to Bruno, “you should prick up your ears!” appeared to be one of the Ladies in Waiting—fainted away: Bruno looked doubtfully at Sylvie. “I’d rather not, please,” and all the other Courtiers hastily drew back, and left plenty he said. “It would hurt.”
of room for the huge Newfoundland to spring upon the
“It doesn’t hurt a bit!” the Sentinel said with some indig-audacious strangers, and tear them limb from limb.
77
Sylvie and Bruno - Lewis Carroll Only—he didn’t. On the contrary his Majesty actually manners. Sylvie simply stroked the great paw: Bruno hugged smiled so far as a Dog can smile—and (the other Dogs it: the Master of the Ceremonies looked shocked.
couldn’t believe their eyes, but it was true, all the same) his All this time Dog-waiters, in splendid livery, were running Majesty wagged his tail!
up with lighted candles: but, as fast as they put them upon
“Yah! Hooh hahwooh!” (that is “Well! I never!”) was the the table, other waiters ran away with them, so that there universal cry. His Majesty looked round him severely, and never seemed to be one for me, though the Master kept gave a slight growl, which produced instant silence. “Con-nudging me with his elbow, and repeating” I ca’n’t let you duct my friends to the banqueting-hall!” he said, laying such sleep here! You’re not in bed, you know!” an emphasis on “my friends” that several of the dogs rolled I made a great effort, and just succeeded in getting out the over helplessly on their backs and began to lick Bruno’s feet.
words “I know I’m not. I’m in an arm-chair.” A procession was formed, but I only ventured to follow as
“Well, forty winks will do you no harm,” the Master said, far as the door of the banqueting-hall, so furious was the and left me. I could scarcely hear his words: and no wonder: uproar of barking dogs within. So I sat down by the King, he was leaning over the side of a ship, that was miles away who seemed to have gone to sleep, and waited till the chil-from the pier on which I stood. The ship passed over the dren returned to say good-night, when His Majesty got up horizon and I sank back into the arm-chair.
and shook himself.
The next thing I remember is that it was morning: break-
“Time for bed!” he said with a sleepy yawn. “The atten-fast was just over: Sylvie was lifting Bruno down from a high dants will show you your room,” he added, aside, to Sylvie chair, and saying to a Spaniel, who was regarding them with and Bruno. “Bring lights!” And, with a dignified air, he held a most benevolent smile, “Yes, thank you we’ve had a very out his paw for them to kiss.
nice breakfast. Haven’t we, Bruno?” But the children were evidently not well practised in Court-There was too many bones in the—Bruno began, but Sylvie 78
Sylvie and Bruno - Lewis Carroll frowned at him, and laid her finger on her lips, for, at this Royal Dogs have a dull life of it, I can tell you! Would you moment, the travelers were waited on by a very dignified mind” (this to Sylvie, in a low voice, and looking a little shy officer, the Head-Growler, whose duty it was, first to con-and embarrassed) “would you mind the trouble of just throw-duct them to the King to bid him farewell and then to escort ing that stick for me to fetch?”
them to the boundary of Dogland. The great Newfound-Sylvie was too much astonished to do anything for a mo-land received them most affably but instead of saying “good-ment: it sounded such a monstrous impossibility that a King bye he startled the Head-growler into giving three savage should wish to run after a stick. But Bruno was equal to the growls, by announcing that he would escort them himself.
occasion, and with a glad shout of “Hi then! Fetch it, good It is a most unusual proceeding, your Majesty! the Head-Doggie!” he hurled it over a clump of bushes. The next Growler exclaimed, almost choking with vexation at being moment the Monarch of Dogland had bounded over the set aside, for he had put on his best Court-suit, made en-bushes, and picked up the stick, and came galloping back to tirely of cat-skins, for the occasion.
the children with it in his mouth. Bruno took it from him
“I shall escort them myself,” his Majesty repeated, gently with great decision. “Beg for it!” he insisted; and His Maj-but firmly, laying aside the Royal robes, and changing his esty begged. “Paw!” commanded Sylvie; and His Majesty crown for a small coronet, “and you may stay at home.” gave his paw. In short, the solemn ceremony of escorting the
“I are glad!” Bruno whispered to Sylvie, when they had travelers to the boundaries of Dogland became one long got well out of hearing. “He were so welly cross!” And he uproarious game of play!
not only patted their Royal escort, but even hugged him
“But business is busin