Stop Being a one Date Wonder Darn it by Elnaz B. - HTML preview
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Stop Being a One-Date-Wonder
By: Elnaz B.
To be honest, I don't recall ever reading the introduction of a book. Of course getting a background about the author would help build more of a connection but the information that the book has to offer has always been much more important and valuable in my eyes.
Most of the topics in here have also been covered extensively in the Dating Tips Section of
SingleSituations.com. If you have any questions, or comments please feel free to email them to us.
I hope this guide is of help. Good luck with everything you do. Without further ado let's get to business and learn how to stop being a one date wonder.
Stop Being a One-Date-Wonder
Tips For Becoming a Successful Dater
By: Elnaz B.
Table of Contents
Please Click on each topic to be directed to the corresponding section.
Love You First
Sometimes we get so preoccupied with family, friends, work, our pet, our life obstacles that we simply forget about ourselves. We forget that we exist too and the only reason we're alive is because of our own existence. Because Self-love and its expression is so important I have decided to make it the first chapter. It is absolutely crucial to love yourself first, love yourself second, love yourself third and then love everything else in any other order you want. Love is the foundation of a peaceful, happy life and its expression starts through self-love.
Some people think having self-love is narcissistic. The two are very different. Love is
confidence, respect, trust, passion, joy, overcoming challenges, bonding, honesty, devotion, dedication etc. yet narcissism is selfishness and arrogance. The point is the two are two separate different concepts. Simply put love is comparable to money; if you are to financially help someone you must first have some money to yourself otherwise how are you going to give away something that you don't have? It is the exact same concept with love, you must first have love for yourself in order to be able to give it away.
You must let you be the judge of you; assume everyone is incapable of judging you. Don't stress yourself over whether you're doing the right thing, saying the right thing, eating the right thing, being the right thing. You and yourself should be the only ones who make the decision about who should be and what you should do; that's why you are you. Value yourself more than any other being; value your own opinion more than anyone else's, value your existence more than any other being. Become your own priority. Avoid anything and anyone, be it friends, family, media etc that tries to persuade you to doubt your self-worth.
Everyday when you wake up the first thing you should say to yourself is:
“ I exist too. I deserve just as much love from myself as I'm giving others, if not more. I am the most valuable being I know. I deserve just as much attention from myself as I'm giving to others, if not more.
It is absolutely crucial for me to love me so I won't try to compensate for my missing self-love by seeking love from others. Only the unworthy and the desperate are hungry for love from others; I am not and will never be desperate. I will never discount my self-worth.”
Harsh, yes, but it's the truth and the truth sometimes hurts. Embrace the above quote and
become one with it. Write it as a part of your daily agenda; save it as the background of your computer, frame it hang it on the wall, do anything that will constantly remind you of it, so you won't hunt for love, like a hungry animal.
Always begin your day by reminding yourself of how worthy you are and how much you
deserve your own love. Don't just memorize the above quote; learn it. When you learn something you'll have a profound understanding of it; as a result you'll be able to apply it to different settings.
Memorization however doesn't have any depth-you've simply memorized a set of words that you don't necessarily believe in. Learn what the outcome of having immense self-love is; learn what the consequence of lacking self-love is. Self-love should be as natural as walking-we didn't memorize how to walk, we learned it. Think about what would have happened if we had memorized at what angle and with what force we have to move our legs in order to walk. Had walking been memorized, we would most likely forget how to do it under stressful and unfavorable circumstances-this is .It is the same case with love you must learn how to love yourself so you'll be able to express it naturally in joy, misery, sorrow, fright, loneliness, confusion etc. This way you won't hate or blame yourself under unfavorable circumstances.
Self-love shouldn't end there, there are many other ways to show your love to yourself. I have listed some ways, your challenge is to come up with five more ways that specifically apply to you and have not been mentioned in this list.
In order for you to make any progress in life, you have to get over past events. If you have made any mistakes that have lead you to your current situation, don’t punish yourself. Don’t allow your previous mistakes to glue you to the past and prevent you from making any progress. Don't let the past overpower and defeat your potentials. Sometimes we become so preoccupied with stressing ourselves over the outcome of our mistakes that we forget about the lessons we learned from them. Brain-storm all the lessons you’ve learned, you'll realize the lessons you learned are much more valuable than the price you had to pay for the mistake. No matter how destructive your past may have been,it wasn't destructive enough to kill you; you're still alive- be grateful of that. Acknowledge that you deserve a new beginning and that you have the ability to change any situation no matter how unfavorable it may be. Thinking about the past will only prevent you from moving on.
Write yourself a love letter without mentioning who it’s from. Stick it on to a mirror that you check yourself out in or hang it on a wall that you walk by every day. Read the letter and become one with every word of it. Keep it in your sight so you'll see it at least once every day.
Every night before going to sleep remind yourself of at least one of your achievements. This can be anything you've done to help yourself, humanity, your community, the world etc. Quitting smoking, finding your dream career, getting a college degree, helping your neighbor cross the street, volunteering, adopting a dog, finishing a book, identifying a new virus, serving food to people, learning a second language, giving directions to someone, are just some examples. Doing this activity will constantly remind you of how valuable you are. You are helping the world become a better place. You are priceless and only the priceless see your value and deserve to be with you.
Make a list of all the things you do well and spend more time doing those things to prove your potential and capabilities to yourself. When we are unable to achieve a certain goal we tend to think of ourselves as incapable beings. We tend to overlook all our achievements and only focus on that certain failure. Proving our capabilities to ourselves through doing things we do best will help us put more focus on our strengths therefore we will start to think of ourselves as capable beings and will doubt our potentials less. By doing these activities we'll also fuel our self-confidence tank.
List all your life challenges that you’ve had trouble achieving. Come up with at least three things you can do to overcome those challenges; take baby-steps to do those things to defeat life-obstacles and reward yourself every time you overcome one of the challenges. The reward makes you more enthusiastic about the achievement of your goal and will encourage you to set more goals to achieve.
Learn more about yourself by doing things you've never done before. When you find something interesting you do research on it to learn more about it and now you are that interesting phenomena that you're so excited to discover more about. Play sports you've never played before. Take music lessons.
Volunteer at a foundation. Participate in activities you've never been involved with to learn more about yourself. You'll be surprised by the discovery of the potentials and talents that you didn't even know existed within you.
Give yourself a physical makeover. When you look unpolished, you may not get as much
attention from others; this can lead you to believe that your not desirable, which will lower your self-love and self-confidence. Sometimes all you need is a little make over which will get you noticed, boost your confidence and increase the love you have for yourself. Make yourself a priority. Get new makeup, buy new outfit, get a manicure, exercise. Go out of your way (without breaking the bank) to make yourself more relaxed, more attractive and more confident.
Acknowledge all the good things that have come, are coming and will come your way.
Sometimes life's negativity has such big impact on us and we get so caught up in it that we forget about all of the positive things that have already happened to us. Acknowledge all life's past, present, and future opportunities and appreciate them. To begin with listen to your breath. Notice you're alive; be grateful of that. Recognize the importance of your existence to you. Your present and future depends on your existence, so you better be nice to yourself. Don’t just be accepting; be unconditionally loving towards yourself.
Have a proper diet. Your body is a sacred phenomenon. Be cautious of what you allow to enter it. Eat energetic foods that you enjoy and make you feel good. If you're not already making healthy choices, take baby-steps to stop eating over-processed food. You don't have to deprive yourself but you shouldn't over-eat either. Try to avoid foods that have a mile long list of artificial ingredients. Your health is the most valuable asset you have. Just the way you work hard to increase your wealth, you should also work hard to increase the length of your priceless life and one way to do that is through having a healthy life style. If you have any self-destructive habits such as constant drinking/smoking, over-eating, under-eating, over-stressing etc, realize you are shortening the length of your life. Make effort to overcome those habits.
Move your body! Get out go for a run. If the weather is bad then buy a fitness membership. If you can't afford a fitness membership then get an exercise DVD and do it at home. If you live in an apartment and can't make a lot of noise then exercise at the gym of your house. There is absolutely no excuse to skip exercise. If you feel lazy, call a couple of friends & invite them to join you for more support and encouragement. When you spend time socializing while you exercise, you will shift your attention to your conversation rather than your workout so exercise will be much less noticeable no matter how strenuous it may be. You can start by taking baby-steps by walking for half an hour or swimming for some time and then increasing the duration of your exercise.
Avoid losing sleep over stress. Go to bed early, get up early. If you’ve been going to bed late & waking up early, you’ve been doing a lot of damage to your health because you’re getting less than the required amount of sleep. At the same time if you’ve been going to bed late and getting up late you’ve, once again, been doing a lot of damage to yourself because you’ve been missing out on life. Don’t roll in the bed until 2:00 am only to worry about your life problems. Stress won’t magically make your problems go away but resolving them will, get enough rest; a well-rested brain can think problems through better and find a solution to them much more efficiently.
Visit your doctor for regular check-ups. You don't necessarily have to detect something
suspicious in your body to visit your doctor. Go to your doctor and prevent health complications before it's to late.
Become a beautiful being on the inside. It is easy to be beautiful on the outside with a bit of cosmetic help, but it takes a lot more than cosmetics to be beautiful on the inside. As a child my grandma would always tell me, all old people weren't born old; one day you'll become old just like them, at that point what will really matter is how beautiful you have been and continue to be on the inside. Try to help the world become a better place. If you have time volunteer at an organization, if you have money donate to a cause, if you have knowledge transfer it to others. Knowing you have made a change in the world will make you realize your importance, it also gives your existence a point.
You'll also sleep better at night. Don't back-stab and avoid those who do. Don't gossip and avoid those who do. Don't exploit and avoid those who do. Don't be envious and avoid those who are. Eliminate anyone and anything that has a negative impact on your life.
Just the way you should watch what you eat and what goes inside your body, you must be
equally cautious of what goes inside your brain. Watch the impact the media is having on you. What you really have to ask yourself is whether the television shows, movies, music & art you indulge in are enhancing your life or detracting from it. Watching shows like America's Next top model or World's Richest and Most Successful, may be entertaining but they can make you feel inferior and less-than perfect; as a result you will be more willing to settle for anything that comes your way because you feel like you don't fit the media's definition of perfection and only the perfect deserve the best. Avoid any show/movie/music/person etc that perpetuates negativity about your image. Don't you miss the days when JLo's Curves were praised over skin and bone? The point is, you are your own person and no one other than you should define what beauty should mean to you, especially if other's definition is solely for advertisement and financial gain.
Force yourself to impress and please you. Treat yourself as the best thing you've ever had, because you are the best thing you've ever had. You are the only one that your life depends on; your life is dependent on your existence. It is you who has to bear physical and emotional pain when you're physically and emotionally hurt; others may sympathize with you but they won't experience the physical pain that you're experiencing every time you're hurt. Make a list of the things you would do for someone you love and do those for yourself. Go out of your way to release tension and stress.
Nourish yourself. Feed your mind, body and soul with the best that life has to offer. You can nourish yourself physically by exercising and consuming healthy foods. You can nourish yourself emotionally by listening to music, painting. You can nurture yourself mentally by reading your favorite 6
books and thinking positive thought. You can nurture yourself visually by watching shows that you enjoy (remember to avoid shows that will make you feel self-conscious). This list can go on forever.
When you are more relaxed, you will feel good about yourself you will be a more capable being and achieve more in life.
Practice un-practicing self-criticism. Go in front of the mirror take a good look at all your features. Pay close attention to them, whether you like them or not. Accept the fact that, we are not asexual beings, we don't self-replicate the way some bacteria do; that's why unless we're identical twins, we don't look alike. Acknowledge that all your features make you, you. If we all looked like Megan Fox and David Beckham, it would have been a redundant world. Don't criticize yourself, love every single part of you, including your perfect imperfection. Learn about your facial and body features and how you can make them stand out more. For instance if you have blue eyes learn what colors will make them standout more, if you have an olive skin tone find out what tones and shades will flatter your skin. Become one and embrace your features, learn how you can bring them so others can see the best of you. This will make you more appreciative of your appearance.
Wear outfits that make you feel amazing. Wear outfits that will bring your best features to the eyes. If you have nice biceps wear outfits that show your arms. If you have nice legs, show them off. If you have nice curves, show them off with your clothing. Avoid outfits that aren’t flattering on you no matter how fashionable and expensive they maybe. At the end of the day you don't wear outfits with their price tags sticking out, so all that really counts it whether it is flattering on you or not. Take some beautiful professional photos, frame them and hang them on your wall. Every time you walk by the photo, appreciate your beauty. Reassure yourself you will make sure you'll find someone who will appreciate your beauty just as much if not more than you do.
Don’t ever call yourself any negative terms no matter how tempting and seemingly suitable it maybe. If you haven’t been active for a while, don’t call yourself lazy. If you haven’t been taking good care of yourself avoid calling yourself a slob. Instead of wasting time coming up with names and damaging your self steam promise yourself you will change everything one at a time and overcome your negative habits. Name calling doesn't change anything, doing something about your problems will.
Reassure yourself that the bare minimum you deserve is the best. Accept nothing less. Refuse to allow anyone to treat you in any way that you wouldn’t treat the ones you love. Cut anyone who isn't respectful or loving towards you out of your life; if they're not appreciative of your existence they might as well not exist to you. If they absolutely must be around you, only communicate with them when necessary. You are priceless and you must be treated likewise.
If you still feel weak and impotent to accept and embrace yourself, watch the video of Nick
Vujicic, a motivational speaker who is born with no arms and legs. This will definitely change your view on life.
Detox You Before Anyone Else
Advanced science has repeatedly proven that a dietary detoxification can have a lot of benefits for the body. A detox can do any of the following:
• Improve metabolism
• Eliminate toxic material
• Reduce your chance of sicknesses
Strengthen the immune system
• Purify your blood
• Overcome bad habits like consuming preprocessed food, sugar, caffeine and alcohol
So if there are so many benefits to detoxification why shouldn't we apply the same concept to our dating lives so we can get rid of all our psychological toxins and improve our dating game?
The benefits of a metabolic detox are comparable to that of a dating detox.
Benefits of Metabolic Detox
Benefits of Dating Detox
Improve your metabolism
Improve your dating habits
Eliminate toxic material
Eliminate previous psychological damages
Reduce your chances of illness in future Reduce your chances of unsuccessful relationships Overcome bad habits like eating
Overcome bad habits such as going after the wrong
preprocessed food, sugar, caffeine and
person, overlooking partner’s shortcoming and
settling for pretty much anything
Helps you realize food doesn’t have to be Helps you realize you don’t need a partner in order unhealthy in order for you to enjoy it.
to enjoy life.
Helps improve your views on eating.
Helps improve your views on dating and
Many people who have just gotten out of a relationship will try to fill the place of their Ex by jumping back into another relationship. This may be temporarily satisfying but because they still have the toxins from their previous relationship in their system, the chances of their new relationship failing is very high. Unresolved feelings, trauma, depression, anger, doubt, dishonesty, infidelity etc are toxins that no one should carry along with them to their next relationship.
In the detox phase you should spend some time by yourself. Assume you are the only one you 8
have. Sometimes the idea of being alone can frighten us and make us needy towards others. However when we spend some time by ourselves we'll realize that being alone isn't as frightening as we imagined. This thought process will in turn make us a stronger person who will react more rationally towards breakups and letting go. You must resist the urge to leave yourself and find other company of romance. Remember: In the detox phase being with anyone other than yourself is considered cheating; you're not a cheater are you?
Jumping into a new relationship without resolving your previous problems is the key to an
unsuccessful relationship. If in your previous relationship, you had doubts about your ex, chances are you'll also have issues trusting your new partner; you might use your ex's infidelity as an excuse to justify your doubts towards your new partner. If you move into a new relationship having feelings for your ex, you will be incapable of reciprocating your new partner's love and that can frustrate you and your partner. If you are depressed from your previous relationship, the presence of a new person in your life will not magically destroy your depression; seeking therapy and removing your problems from their root is your only refuge. All these toxins should be gotten rid of in order for you to have a healthy successful dating experience.
I have come up with some general ideas for you to become closer to yourself, your challenge is to come up with 5 more ideas that specifically suit you.
The detox phase is 1 to 3 months long; you can also seek therapy if you need to. During this phase the only person who you will try to impress and get the love of is yourself. Learn more about your own dating habits. Learn more about your wants out of a relationship. Many dating failures are due to the lack of self-awareness. During this phase you should make your dating and relating framework so clear that you'll know exactly what you expect to get from your dating experience and what you will contribute to it in return.
Spend just as much time alone with yourself as you do with your friends realize being alone is not as frightening as you have mentally persuaded yourself to be. Sometimes relationships especially long term ones can make people so attached to their partners that they won't be able to look at themselves and their partner as two separate people. Everything they do must involve their partner; the attachment will make them see their own lives and their partner’s life as a single entity. Undergoing a detox will help people separate their lives from their partners.
Detox will help you to stop thinking a relationship will solve all your problems. You will realize only short-sited people who are too afraid to face their problems try to escape them by shifting their focus onto something else. In reality, the problem is still there but their focus is on their relationship so they can pretentiously avoid the problems.
Keep a journal about your detox experience. Be professional about it, assume you want to
publish it and teach others how Date-Detox. Set a time frame and challenge yourself to get over your past withing that time. Try innovative ways that no one has thought of before, remember your goal is to succeed so you can publish your system and become the next relationship Guru. To inspire yourself even more constantly picture the regretful face of the ones who didn't believe in you once they find out about your achievement.
Make a list of all the reasons why your relationship wouldn't have worked out even if the both 9
of you wanted to. This list can consist of infidelity or your ex's habits that got on your nerves or his/her constant family intrusion or maybe the two of you just weren't compatible-chapter 4 will go over different levels of compatibility, in case you need clarification. Once you are done with the list, promise yourself to not get in a relationship with anyone who has the same habits and short-comings.
You must be happy in this phase. Avoid any TV/ radio/ music or anything that will remind you of your past and depress you. Avoid anything and anyone that will make you feel less than perfect. If you enjoy stand up comedy, Google search a stand up comedy shows in your town and attend them.
Avoid melodramatic, romance, sad, drama movies. Do the things that you've always wanted to do but time never permitted. Go out with your friends. Go shopping. Go to the park and pay attention to its livelihood.
Surround yourself with tribes of amazing, happy, optimistic people. Their positivity will make you look at life through a positive eye. Also because you enjoy their company, you'll want to be more like them. During the detox phase you should cut all pessimistic, complainers out of your life, it's a good idea to cut them out permanently but if you can't completely eliminate them, do it for the detox phase. The last thing you want is people who constantly remind you of your own problems.
Rid your mind of all negative, unproductive assumptions. Clear your head of the assumption that your only source of happiness was the one who left you; remember he/she was unreliable and didn't stick by you through thick and thin. Explore new paths in life, soon you will realize there is much more to life than relationships. Discovering other ways of having fun will expand your horizon on life and will prevent you from summarizing the point of life only in romantic encounters.
Use this time to date yourself. Take dance classes at the local studio, volunteer, try a new sport, get involved in activities that you've never tried before. This will help you become a more interesting, and a well-rounded person. Aside from that, after you have successfully finished the Detox phase, and you're ready to date, you'll have far more interesting stories to talk about over dinner than how mean your boss is.
Give your entire life a makeover. Start with yourself, by buying new outfits or getting your makeup done professionally, or getting a new haircut. Then move on to the area that you live in, get rid of or at least hide, all the things that remind you of your bad memories; it can be a dress an ex bought you or a love song you wrote for an ex etc. Watch this video about giving makeovers to your life after
breakups. Sometimes giving your life a makeover can unconsciously symbolize a new beginning for you and consequently encourage you to move on and begin a new chapter of life.
Take a week or two off from your everyday-life to travel. Explore as much of the world as your financial ability and your time allows you to. Expand your cultural, mental and ethnic horizon by exploring other rituals and cultures. Putting yourself into new settings will help you reflect on your own life in ways you had never done before. The vaster your geographical exploration, the more interesting, well-rounded and open-minded of a person you'll become, and the more people will want to be around you. You will also have more interesting stories to share.
Last but definitely not least you should finish this eBook during the Detox. This way, once the detox is over you'll know exactly what you want out of dating and how you should keep Mr./Ms. Right in your life once you find him or her.
Improve You Before Anyone Else
You must constantly work to improve yourself. No matter how much you change others, if your wrong views are not deleted from your mental profile, you will face problems one way or another. It is much easier to change you than it is others. You may see a change of results once your perspective changes. Create an image of what you would like to mentally, socially, physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually be. Constantly make improvements to become that. Constantly ask yourself
“Am I what I would like to be?” If the answer is not yet, diagnose where the shortage is coming from and fix it. Nothing is ever perfect; there is always room for improvement. Seeking improvement gives something to look forward to in life and it helps people move forward in life. Seeking improvement is the point of and the definition of life. If no one strived for a better life the world wouldn't have made the progress it has today; no disease would have been cured, no inventions would have been made and we may have gone extinct. Death should be the only point where improvement stops.
Your perspective on the love, people and the world may very well be what is keeping you from having a stable relationship. These are just some principles you can implement into your life in order to live a productive, purposeful, happy life. When others see how happy your life is, they'll be polarized towards it and will want to become a part of it.
Don't live in Lala-Land and wait for a fairytale relationship to happen. Have realistic
expectations. It's been proven over and over that perfection does not exist on Earth. A perfect face, body, attitude, literacy, personality all packaged in one being does not exist. So if you're seeking perfection, you're setting yourself for failure and you're better off moving to another galaxy and searching for it. Don't scrutinize each person that you date in order to find an excuse to dump him/her. Accept the fact that no one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. Everything needs work and improvement.
Don't escape your problems by complaining. Don't create excuses to escape them. Constant
complaints about problems will mentally drive you away from the scene of the problem and prevent you from seeking solutions. By complaining you are verbally creating reasons that will excuse you from physically and mentally facing your problems. Transform yourself into a doer. Confront things as they are. Accept everything the way it is. When you accept life as is you will come into terms with it, therefore you'll have a profound understanding of the root of your problems. Only then you can start solving your issues.
Don't act like a victim. Take responsibility for everything that has so far happened to you. Take responsibility even at moments when blaming others is suitable and convenient. Taking responsibility for your actions, behavior, thoughts, decisions, life etc will help you become one with your life; when you, your current situation and your consciousness are all on the same page you can improve the 11
situation. Acknowledge the fact that you are responsible for creating your own outcome of reality and have control over every situation in your life.
Don't be afraid of anything. Fright drains energy and self-confidence. Think of all the damages it has done to your life and how much it has held you back from making progress. Think of all the chances you have missed because of apprehension. Avoid thinking about the possible negative outcomes; paralyze your imagination from picturing the worst of everything. Promise yourself you will face daunting circumstances instead of escaping from them.
Don't take everything personally. Be a coffee cup towards others' opinion about you. Just the way a cup of coffee can't get offended by those who don't like it, you shouldn't be offended by those who disapprove of you. Look at disapproval as a form of freedom of expression; everyone's entitled to it. Don't take anything personal and make it about you; don't generalize and assume everyone disapproves of you. Your own opinion should be the one that should have an impact on your life; be neutral towards everyone else's negative opinion.
Don't look at failure as the end point; failure is not death. Praise failure and look at it as one of the ways that didn't give you the result you were looking for. Value the lessons you learned from failure more than the outcome of it. Failure doesn't mark an end to your life progress; there is still other paths that can be explored to reach success. Don't take failure personally by labeling yourself a failure; perceiving life challenges with a failure mentality will only hold you back from making progress. Learn from your mistakes and avoid making them. Think of failure as one step closer to success, as you have eliminated one more approach that doesn't work.
Don't compare yourself to others. Constantly comparing yourself to others and wanting exactly what they have, will make you an unhealthy competitor. Competition is encouraged, valued and fruitful only when you work hard to become a better person by improving yourself (note you have nothing to do with others). The moment you try to compete by backstabbing, bad-mouthing and degrading others (as opposed to bettering yourself) you'll become an unhealthy competitor and your accomplishment will lose its value. No matter how big your undeserved achievement may be, deep inside, it will leave you unsatisfied and empty. Comparing yourself to others will make you an unhealthy competitor. Be your own person, set goals to achieve what you desire as opposed to what others have desired and achieved.
Don't say or do anything you're uncomfortable with only to impress others. Think of your
comfort zone as a territory that you must remain in at all times. You shouldn't go out of your comfort zone to seek approval. This will make you seem desperate and uncertain of your own self-worth.
Others will assume you're not desired by anyone and will go out of your way to impress anyone who has considered giving you a chance. Be sure of your self-worth. Behave as a being who everyone is competing for by having no fear of losing someone who has given you a chance; have your own preferences and opinion.
Don't combine past, present and future and look at them as a single entity. Separate them into 3
separate time frames. Learn from your past, let go of it and never regret it. Always live the present to the fullest with the intention of making your future better. Get over all the negativity that has happened to you. No matter how unfavorable your past may have been accept it as a part of your life history and 12
acknowledge your ability to overcome your unfavorable past, present and future.
Don't generalize and look at everyone with the same eye. Don't mentally create scenarios that will demoralize you and leave insecurities within you. If your last relationships were not successful, don't scrutinize and look for flaws in your next relationship only to convince yourself this one won't work either. Don't jump to conclusions and assume you know the entire truth based on your previous relationship-experiences and observations. If your new partner didn't call because she/he was too busy, don't assume she/he was cheating just because your ex cheated when she/he didn't call.
Don't look at anything from a negative perspective. Be positive and don't feel embarrassed or sorry for being single. View everything with a positive and an open mind. If you live in Canada, over half of the Canadian adults are single. If you live in United States, over 80 million Americans are single. Find out the population of singles in your area and acknowledge the fact that you have over a million people to choose one person from. Look at everything from a positive perspective.
Don't be indifferent towards life. Show curiosity. Enjoy finding out more about when, where, how and why things happen the way they do. Watch the news, read the paper, find out what's going on around you. Add to your musical, social, scientific, mathematical, philosophical, psychological knowledge; explore different areas in life. Teach others what you already know and what you've learned. Become an outlet that learns from others and transfers its knowledge to others. You will immediately see how much more fulfilling and purposeful your life will become.
Don't let your emotions overpower you; control them. Love, anger, joy, disappointment, anxiety etc can control our intuition, perception, motivation, decisions etc; in fact they are so powerful that sometimes they can interfere with our logic and prevent us from making logical decisions; the perfect example is the abused wife who doesn't leave her partner because of love. Don't let your emotions get the best of you and get in the way of making well-reasoned decisions. Every time you sense your emotions are about to control you, take a deep breath, and tell yourself you control you.
Don't neglect your physical appearance. Invest most of your time, money, energy on you. Your appearance has immense power over other's attraction towards you. When you look unpolished you will not get noticed as frequently hence you'll feel undesired and will settle for whoever comes your way, because you'll feel like that's the only person you could have ever gotten. When you look well put-together you'll seem more attractive in the eyes of others, you'll also get more attention hence you will become aware of your desirability and you won't settle for anyone who treats you however he/she wants, because you know others will compete to get you.
Know What You Want
After the euphoria of the initial attraction is over, a relationship needs a more substantial ground to maintain its stability. This “Substantial ground” consists of physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, moral, intellectual and financial compatibility. The two of you don't necessarily need to be on the exact same page after all you're looking for a soul-mate not an identical twin, but you must complement one another. You must find a teeter for your totter, so your relationship can be in balance and harmony. All of this may be too much to digest right now, but this section will dissect them into more
When two people have just met, physical attraction is what brings them together, simply
because they don't know one another well enough to instantly connect on other levels. As the relationship progresses and the two discover more about one another chemistry, intelligence, honesty, attitude and all the other non-physical factors will become more relevant to the relationship. Physical attraction may be the “initial recruiter” of the two yet it won't be their ultimate binder; there are other factors that will maintain the spark and keep their bond strong. So it's not wise to use physical appearance as the sole or the main factor in your relationship criteria.
Still not convinced looks aren't everything? Let's do this activity and hopefully this will convince you otherwise. Get a piece of paper and do this exercise. Divide a page into sections; one with a “Need” heading and another with a “Desire” heading. The Need category is like food; it should have anything that your relationship needs in order to survive these include love, trust, honesty, 14
communication etc while the Desire category is like pizza; it should have anything that your relationship doesn't necessarily need in order to survive but you fancy them anyways. These include features such as a six pack, deep blue eyes, size zero figure, full head of hair etc.
If you notice the Need category has mainly non-visible features; the “Needs” are the more
lasting features that make a relationship stronger as it progresses. On the other hand, there is no guarantee that your desires will last forever, a size zero partner may not maintain that size as the relationship progresses, a six pack may not remain a six pack throughout a relationship. If anyone bases their attraction solely on looks their bond is bound to break unless they invest all their energy to make sure their partner maintains his/her looks. If you've solely connected with your partner on a physical level, your connection will be gone once you have gotten used to the looks or once the looks are gone.
We need food to survive, but it certainly doesn't have to be pizza.
Try to pick a maximum of three physical traits that are your absolute deal-breakers. Your pick can be hair, height, biceps or full lips, nice figure, long hair or any other combination of three traits that you focus on the most and let everything else be the icing on the cake.
If you want a successful relationship you must keep your desires and fantasies at a minimum.
You may still be single because of your unrealistic, physical-expectations. If you keep your expectations at an unrealistic level chances are you will remain single. Base your relationship on something more lasting than a six pack or a size zero figure. If the only factor that is keeping you together is physical attraction then what will happen if the six pack or the zero figure is gone?
Of all the factors discussed in this chapter it is most important for two people to be on the same Moral page. It is absolutely crucial for the two of you to have the same standards of good and evil to govern the important parts of your life with. Many life decisions are made based on moral beliefs; if you and your partner are not unanimous with the principles you value you may have a a lot of conflicts and arguments. A few relationship-related factors to take into consideration when it comes to moral compatibility have been listed in question form. Read the questions and make sure you and your partner have the same values.
-Love: Do you both value eternal love? Is a long-term relationship a mutual goal between you two?
-Honesty: Do you both value honesty? Do you strive to create a setting that welcomes open-
communication and honesty?
-Trust: Do you recognize the value of trust in a committed relationship? Do you prohibit
yourself from making accusations and jumping to conclusions?
-Loyalty: Do you both value loyalty?
-Self-discipline: Do you both resist all relationship-disrupting temptations such as infidelity?
-Reassurance: Do you both reassure the other of his/her importance in your life?
-Communication: Do you both see the importance of communication? Do you encourage
communication by creating a comfortable setting for sharing problems?
-Encouragement: Do you both encourage the other to achieve his/her goals?
-Competition: Do you both let the other know no one can take his/her place in your life?
-Freedom: Do you both believe that although you're in a committed relationship, neither one of you is owned by the other? You both have the freedom to do anything that does not disrupt your relationship without the constant notification, intrusion and permission of the other.
-Respect: Do you both have immense respect for who the other is and what he/she does?
-Support: Do you both have immense support for what the other does?
-Cooperation: Do you both strive to make the other accomplish his/her goals? Are your partner's dreams as important to you as your own?
-Responsibility: Do you both feel responsible to keep the relationship strong?
-Recognition: Do you both show recognition towards the others achievements?
-Appreciation: Do you both show appreciation for what the others does for the relationship?
-Health: Do you both see an importance in keeping each other physically, mentally and
emotionally healthy? Do you seek help when a problem in any of these fields arise?
-Friendship: Are you each other's confidants? Are you open with sharing your problems? Do
you do your best to solve each others problems? Are you there for each other?
-Justice: Are you willing to listen before jumping to conclusions? Are you fair? Do you
acknowledge when you are at fault? Do you apologize when wrong?
-Leadership: do you acknowledge each other's strengths? When conflicts arise, do you let the partner with more knowledge take the lead?
-Pleasure: Is keeping each other sexually satisfied a mutual goal?
-Contribution: Do you both contribute to the relationship equally?
Because a lot of decisions are made by using morals as a reference it is important for you and your partner to at least value the same relationship-essential principles. Couples with different morals tend to disagree more frequently. Before committing make sure you find out your partner's views on various moral topics and make sure they are the same as yours or you at least you are flexible towards your partner's beliefs.
Emotions are the most powerful instinctive guides a human can have, they can even be more
powerful than our intelligence, that is why communication with someone who is deeply penetrated into their emotion can be hard because they may not be using their logic. In order to have an emotionally connected relationship, your partner's and your own emotions should fit like a puzzle. You don't necessarily have to have the same emotional reaction as your partner-imagine what would have happened if you and your partner were angered by the same things. You must compliment each other's emotional reaction to various circumstances. You must look for someone who can remain calm and collected when you are angry so he/she can calm you down.
Emotional stability is the foundational for synchronized planning and execution for those plans.
In the absence of that, there is no social relationship and communication, for that matter, between the partners.
Picture this: You and your partner are at a store trying to get a refund for a $500 item. The employee tells you refunds are against their store policy. In this situation you wouldn't want the both of you to be screaming at the employee. One of you must be the less-effected individual who will cease the fire in the other one.
In order to find your ideal match you must get to know yourself first. On the list below write down how you react to these scenarios. Do you lose control and start crying when you see something sad? Do you become talkative when you're stressed? Do you become aloof when you're confused? I've listed some circumstances you can list others that come to your mind.
For some of these circumstances you want your partner to have the same reaction as you, for example if you are happy about something you want your partner to be happy about it as well. This will make your connection stronger. For other instances where a balance is essential it's important to seek a partner who is the opposite of you. Avoid someone who loses their temper at the same things you do.
While on dates it is important to find out what angers him/her, what makes him/her happy, what make him/her sad etc. Also examine his/her response to various emotional stimuli.
You should ask questions like, “Do I express my emotions and feelings openly? Do I need my partner to be open about his/her feelings? Will I be able to connect with someone who is more on the reserved side?
Many couples overlook intellectual compatibility simply because they do not see its importance.
However, once the relationship becomes more serious they will complain about their partner playing video games or reading Gossip magazine while they are reading the New York Times and solving world problems. Your partner and you don't necessarily have to have the exact same level and kind of intelligence to be happy as long as there's respect and acceptance of the other's intelligence.
In the broadest sense, there are two kinds of intelligence: Social (street smart) and academic 18
(book smart). In order for you to find out your intellectual compatibility, you must first find out what kind of intelligence you have? You may know very well the kind of intelligence you have but in case you haven't assessed it yet these questions are for you. Answer these to see if you are book smart, street smart or a combination of both.
To what extent does your knowledge consist of academic education?
To what extent does your knowledge consist of social education?
What level of education do you have? High school, bachelors, masters, doctorate
What kind of grades did you receive at school?
What is your IQ? Do you believe a high IQ means higher chance of success?
When in school, were you better at sciences/math related subjects or social/art related subjects?
In your eyes how much value does academic education have?
In your eyes how much value does social education have?
Do you have any extracurricular certificates? eg. Lifeguard certificate
Are most of your experiences gained through books or social interactions?
What kinds of conversations do you enjoy participating in?
Do you prefer academic related games eg. scrabble or non-academic games eg monopoly?
Do you enjoy the realm of ideas or the realm of things and people?
How flexible are you with the other kind of intelligence? eg. If you're street-mart how accepting of a book-smart partner are you?
Now that you know more about your own intelligence, it's time to know what type of
intelligence you prefer your partner to have. Answer each of these questions about your ideal match. It is crucial to realize that your answer to these questions doesn't have to be the exact same answer as yourself, after all you're looking for your soul-mate and not your clone.
To what extent should the intelligence of your partner consist of academic education?
To what extent should the intelligence of your partner consist of of social education?
What level of education should your partner have?
Would you care if your partner's level of education is below or above yours?
What kind of topics should she/he enjoy discussing?
Should she/he enjoy academic-related games or non-academics games?
Should he have a high IQ? Remember high IQ does not necessarily guarantee success.
How important is the level and the kind of your ideal match's intelligence?
How accepting should your partner be towards other kinds of intelligence?
Of course those who are a combination of street and book smart can relate to others more and as a result have more options. If you are your partner want, you can work on yourself by reading or watching the news, going out more, traveling, doing activities that make you more aware of what's going on in the world.
Remember: A street smart can be the perfect mate for a book smart if neither one of the couples is too invested in their own form of intelligence. If someone only enjoys exploring their own intellectual interests connecting and communicating with other groups can become frustrating. Make sure you know your intellectual capabilities and intellectual tolerance towards other groups.
You and your ideal mate's level of spirituality should be in sync. You don't have to have the same beliefs, but you must be willing to accept, respect and embrace your mate's beliefs. If either one of you resents or is solely tolerating the each other's faith that is not enough for a successful, lasting relationship.