Spared by Nastaran Akhavan - HTML preview

“It’s going to be another long night for me. I have to stay here

as long as it takes to clear all the damn corpses, and I know I’ll be

making it home early in the morning. I am so tired of it all. When

are these people going to get it? They act like they all have a

death wish. I’m sick of it man”, said one soldier to the other. One

of them burped really loud.

“Don’t worry you might get your chance. There has to be lots

of injured ones, who are hiding, and they can’t hide forever, and

when they do come out, BANG, you can shoot them.”

Ha ha ha, the two guards laughed together.

They threw away the bottles of soda they were drinking, and

put out their cigarettes, and came in walking back towards the

front of the theatre completely unaffected by the bodies. Neither

one stopped to help the old lady or to pick up the dead bodies on

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their way. They both seemed like it was so ordinary and everyday

like to walk by dead bodies.

All these people lost their life today, and the only thing these

guards could think about was missing out on the opportunity to kill

someone? How soulless can you be, I thought to myself and felt

disgusted.

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Finding My Way Back Home

There comes a time in your life when it all boils down to a

move on your part, a heroic act in order to save your life. I saw

my opportunity to run out before another guard goes out through

the back door again. My heart was beating so fast and furious; I

thought anyone who has ears will hear my heart bang on my

chest wall. I listened to see if I hear any other people, or any foot

steps out the exit door. There were only sounds of cars going by

in the far distance. I prayed and stuck my head out the door. It

was a leap of faith, because I really didn’t know what to expect,

and knew that I could be captured. I was so happy to see there

was no one in the alley way. I slowly walked out of the theatre

and hid behind a big dumpster. The smoking cigarette butt used

by one of the guards was right next to my foot, and I almost

stepped on it. I found myself unable to take my eyes off of this

nasty cigarette butt. It was oddly very soothing to look at the thick

dancing smoke swirling from the cigarette butt and going around

and around like a ballerina on a music box. As a child I had a

very small music box which was given to me by my step father for

my 8th birthday, and when I opened it a small dainty ballerina

wearing white ballerina suit, stockings and shoes, danced and

swirled with her hands up in the air and her head tilted back, to

Beethoven’s “Fur Elise” song. Whenever I felt lonely or

distressed, I would open it up and listen to it. Years later when I

would visit my parent’s house, I listened to Fur Elise every single

evening when my step dad came home from work. He would

greet us quickly, and go straight to his piano and play this song.

Watching him play the piano was so fascinating and magical, as it

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seemed like he had an out of body experience every time he

played this song on his black Wurlitzer piano. He would hold his

head up and tilted back, and close his eyes, as if he was making

love to every key as he gently stroked them. Magic was made

whenever my father and his piano met, and together they gave

life to every one of the lifeless notes that sat on the on top of his

piano.

An abrupt wind blew away the swirling smoke right in to my

eyes and irritated them. It was as if telling me to stop

daydreaming, you are not safe there, move on. I felt god’s

presence in every step I took, every bullet I dodged, and every

tear I shed. It felt good to feel that I was not alone, and he was

with me everywhere, but still I felt overwhelmed with the entire

psychological trauma, and the astronomic task of going home

without anyone seeing me. Unfortunately I had a long way home,

and had no idea how to get there, or even how to begin. It was

twilight time, and there was still some visibility. I decided to wait

just a little bit longer, and hide somewhere until it is completely

dark before I make a serious effort to find my way back home. I

walked across the alley way which was very narrow, into another

much smaller alley way off of the alley way behind the movie

theatre. That very small and narrow alley was a dead end, and

much more secluded and dark. I found a large amount of rubble

which was stacked up vertically, and covered by an old mattress

behind a business which was obviously closed at that time of the

night. I squeezed myself and hid under the very dirty and heavy

mattress which smelled like old urine. I was always so terrified of

bugs especially spiders, however that night, none of those

seemed to matter. There could have been a tarantula crawling on

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me, and I would have not cared. It seemed so amazing that for

the sake of survival, all my other fears had completely vanished,

and all my fears of bugs seemed so insignificant. My legs were

falling asleep as I was squatting, and needed to stretch them

somehow to allow the blood to flow to my feet. Once I did that, I

felt so much more comfortable. I had a stinging sensation in my

left ear lobe. Suddenly I got startled by seeing something in my

peripheral vision and I turned toward it to see what it was. “Ah”, I

let out a huge sigh of relief when I realized it was a little brown

and grey sparrow hopping toward me. I was surprised to see it

was not too scared of me when I tried to stretch my arms toward

it. I noticed the poor bird only had one leg, but the injury looked

old. He was not bleeding from anywhere. It came closer to me,

and I was able to grab it easily. I was so overjoyed and thankful

that the little sparrow allowed me to hold it. It was once again a

reminder that I am not alone. It was looking at me with his 2 little

beady eyes. It looked so very innocent. I noticed his left wing

was broken.

Oooohhh that is why I was able to grab him. Alone and

injured. Just like me. We make great friends little guy. You have

alley cats after you, and I have mean viscous guards after me.

We are both struggling to survive. We understand each other. I

talked to myself. Somehow I was so sure that the bird could

understand. I said a prayer and send him on his way. He hopped

away and disappeared from my visual field.

I started thinking to myself about a plan to get back home, but

didn’t know how. The only thing I knew was that I was in the

southern part of Tehran, and our house was somewhere in the

north. I wished I had paid attention when I was in the taxi cab that

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drove me there that same morning. Since I had a little bit of time

to kill, I tried very hard to back track to see if I remember how I got

there. I thought once I make it closer to the Zhaleh Square, I

would more than likely be able to tell from which direction we

entered it. The only problem was that there was no way to go

back to Zhaleh Square and risk being seen.

I felt very frustrated and helpless. I started thinking about

whatever happened to Leyla again, and if she is still alive, or did

she die? The thought of her death seemed so unreal. It was only

hours ago when we were still talking to each other. I wish she

was hiding under the mattress with me, so we could comfort each

other. Perhaps that was too selfish to wish. Perhaps she was the

lucky one to be gone and free of any of this terror and mental

anguish I am going through right now, but I could not deny that I

missed her terribly. For the first time, I wished I could hear Leyla

going on and on about how much she loves Sina. Oh how I

missed my best friend Leyla, and even more than that was how I

wished I was home in my own living room, safe and secure with

my family. Then I started to think about my mother, who worried

about things that didn’t need worrying, let alone now that it is all

over the news about the massacre where my class was, and how

many people died. I was already 6 to 8 hours late, and knew my

mom must be having a nervous breakdown. I know my mom. Oh

god, I wish I could tell her somehow I’m still alive. Maybe I come

across a payphone, but I have no money on me, and the last

thing I want is to be seen in middle of the street making a phone

call but realized that I had lost everything, even the money in my

pocket to pay for the cab fare home. I prayed very hard that my

mom would find the strength. I was drowning in the sea of

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memories, like a sail boat without its sail, drifting in every

direction, when I realized the twilight had vanished, and darkness

has covered all of Tehran, like a blanket. I had no idea what time

it was. I started to panic because I just remembered there is

martial law in Tehran, which dictates every one must be at home

by eight PM. My heart rate started to pick up and going very fast

again and anxiety commanded my body to react in strange ways.

Martial law was in my favor in a way, as it meant no one

would be in the streets to notice me, but at the same time it was

dangerous because there were soldiers in the all streets of

Tehran, and in every corner, and if they found me I could be

executed on the spot. I carefully crawled out of my safe hiding

place and knew I need to move on and do it fast. The wind

wrapped itself around me like a scarf. I was getting very cold, and

the wind had picked up. I started to shiver, was covered with

goose bumps. My teeth were chattering so hard, and I just didn’t

feel very well as if a fever had just taken over me. I felt hot, but

yet freezing and shivering at the same time. My body seemed

completely confused. I tried telling myself that once I started

walking or running I would get much warmer. All I was wearing

was a blue cotton shirt and a denim skirt, and they were both

damp and soaked with blood, and had neither socks nor shoes. I

had lost my shoes and my sweater somewhere along the way. I

tippy toed to the end of the very narrow alley. By this time it was

pitch dark and very easy for me to be on my way or so it seemed.

Before I reached the alley way behind the movie theatre, I saw

another alley way to the left which still took me to the direction I

needed to go. I could see as far as my eyes could see that this

alley way continued with the exception of one major street. Every

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once in a while you could see civilian people running very fast and

very low, and disappearing in to the dark. I wished I was that

close to my home.

As I was trying to walk as carefully as I could, suddenly a door

of the first floor apartment building opened up and I was faced to

face with an older woman in her fifties or sixties, who got

frightened by me. I could smell rice and celery stew coming from

inside the apartment.

“Oh my goodness, who are you, what happened to you?” said

the old woman. At the same time an older man appeared out of

nowhere and stood right behind me. He was wearing a long dark

coat, a hat, and had some grocery bags in his hand. When I

turned around he got a good look at me, and dropped his bags.

“Oh my god child, what in name of god happened to you?

Are you hurt?” he said as he grabbed my arm pushing me closer

to their door. I couldn’t say anything, and was shocked and

scared. I just stared at him. “Zari, quick get her in, let see what is

wrong with her, poor girl is covered with blood, get Saied to come

and get the grocery bags, quick” he said to the old woman with

urgency in his voice.

He proceeded to push me toward the door way, and I came

face to face again with the older lady who I think was called Zari.

She stood in our way as if she didn’t want me to come in. She

grabbed the old man’s arm, pushed me out of the way back in to

the entrance of the apartment building, and tried to pull him in

instead.

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She looked both ways and said in a low voice, “No, we can’t

do that Jamshid. Didn’t you hear from anyone? She looks like

she got hurt in the Zhaleh Square massacre. It is all over the

news. They have been saying on TV, if you help anyone of the

protestors, you can get killed yourself. Let her go. I’m not taking

any chances. Jamshid, Get in quick, and let’s close the door,

hurry.”

“What are you saying Zari, you mean to leave a bleeding girl

in the alleyway to die? I don’t know about you, but I won’t be able

to answer god in the judgment day. Zari our own daughter is her

age. What if she was hurt and in the same situation? She is

coming in and that’s that,” said the old man. He pulled my arm

even harder and tried to go through the door. I felt like I was

being pushed and pulled at the same time. His wife had a very

angry look on her face and she pushed me away from him, and

said “I’m not allowing you to subject our family to bullets, get in

before you get shot in the street yourself.” I started to walk away

backwards for a few steps, and then ran as fast as I could. I felt

very unwelcomed and didn’t want to be there any longer. It hurt

my feelings that people would be unwilling to help one another

under such circumstances, but I wasn’t sure what my family would

have done if they were in their shoes. I could hear them arguing

as I ran the other way, and they finally went inside.

Streets of Tehran were on a very mild but gradual slope, and

going north, one could tell that you are going up the hill. I knew I

was going from east to west which somehow felt right. I didn’t

allow myself to doubt myself. If god wanted me to be the spared

one for whatever reason, then he is my guide now. I trusted my

gut feeling and kept going toward west. As I was going through

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the alley way I crossed a house with big metal double doors that

had a garden of some kind behind it. I could see the towering

tree shadows above. Suddenly a very violent sound of a very

large dog took my breath away. My heart stopped a beat, and I

got covered with goose bumps. My knee jerk reaction was to go

and hide behind the first thing I saw, which was a smelly garbage

can. The dog continued to bark and banged his body against the

metal doors. I knew I had to run and get away from there, as the

dog was sensing my scent, and I didn’t want to draw any attention

to myself. Most houses had their lights off, and although I didn’t

understand why then, I learned later that people were told to turn

off their lights as much as possible due to either respect for the

martial law, or a sign of obedience. In some areas it was so hard

to see in front of me, and I hoped I didn’t fall in to a hole suddenly.

The only thing that guided me was the pale moonlight sneaking

out of the rushing clouds in the sky. I looked at many garbage

cans for something or anything I could put on me or wear to keep

me warm, but unfortunately didn’t find anything. The cold wind

was so unkind as it was chilling my bones, and gives a burning

sensation. I was rubbing my hands together to generate heat, but

it just didn’t seem like it was working. Both sides of these

alleyways were lined with apartment homes on one side, and with

single family homes on the other with walled off yards. I had

walked for a very long time, and I needed to sit down, so I went

and sat behind a car for a few moments to rest my aching and

stinging feet. I enjoyed the calm and soothing songs the crickets

were chirping. Periodically the wind provided another calming

melody as it bushed against the leaves of the trees, and gently

caressing them. The nature’s lullabies were so pleasing, but

sadly I simply could not sit there to enjoy it any longer.

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After a short time I was on my way again, and I passed several

small street intersections, and finally reached a major intersection

where I had to be very careful and lay low. I heard men talking,

and my heart was banging against my chest wall again. I walked

backwards as I thought I heard them coming towards me. There

was nothing to hide behind, so I just had to walk inside the area of

a 4 story apartment building door frame, where you stand to ring

the bell. I had to make myself leveled off with the door, so it

doesn’t look like I am sticking out. I don’t know who they were,

but I didn’t think 2 men would casually walk in the streets when it

was past the curfew. They had to be guards.

When the 2 guards were gone, I slowly and so carefully

walked to the end of that alley way, and I realized that it was

another major intersection, and I desperately needed to cross it,

in order to get closer to our home. On the right side there was a

very long vast street going north, and on the left side there was

also empty streets going towards south of Tehran. Each side of

the street was wall to wall covered with closed stores, venders,

and businesses. A 25 foot long sidewalk was in between the

businesses, and a ravine, or Jube that was a shallow dirt bottom

water channel, flowing on both sides of the street. Jubes are very

common in Tehran, and they vary in size. The ravine direction

was a good indicator of which way was north. I knew that the

ravine originated in the mountains in the north of Tehran, and

always drifted south. On the other side of the ravine, enormous

ancient sycamore trees lined inside the Jubes, and canopied over

the street. Looking towards north it seemed like the sky had a

dome shaped ceiling, as the branches of sycamore trees from

both sides came together as if they were holding hands. There

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were no vehicles on the road on either side, and the traffic lights

were all red and blinking. I was so very happy to know that I’m on

the right track. I only knew 2 streets in Tehran that had the Jubes

running through it, and not only did it confirm that I have been

going north, but I also now knew where I was. I could not be

happier, and it gave me so much needed hope and fuel to

continue my journey. I recognized the businesses, and the stores

I was passing by. If my estimation was correct, there was a big

department store close by in another street nearby, called ”Iran”

department store. There was a self service restaurant on the very

top floor where we went often with my mom and my aunt and

cousins as children. They had very yummy food, and it made me

remember how long it had been since I ate, but I was not hungry

at all.

Both sides of the streets had dim street lights and I could see

the 2 soldiers walking south far away from me. I could see

military trucks on the south side of horizon at least 6-7 blocks

away, but as far as eye could see there were no barricades or

military trucks on the north. Even though it seemed like I got

lucky, I had a deep knowing that it wasn’t so, and I had to ignore

the false sense of security. I had never seen Tehran streets that

way, and it was so very creepy to see it so lifeless. These streets

would usually be swarmed by honking cars, lights flashing, people

crossing the streets, babies crying, venders selling their goods,

and lights on everywhere. The streets were so quiet that I could

hear the birds flapping their wings and flying above occasionally,

as well as the running water in the jubes. I could also hear alley

cats fighting nearby. I got into the jube channel, and the running

water felt so good on my blistered feet. The jubes were usually

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so trashed, as people would often throw their garbage in there,

without any regards to littering. I often found myself very upset at

the fact that people were such hypocrites, condemning littering in

the jubes, but they would also be the same people who would

threw trash in there without any regards to keeping our city clean.

That night I could care less what garbage I was stepping in and

as a matter of fact it felt so very soothing to my burning feet. The

sound of water flowing over rocks and tree roots was very

soothing as well. I walked hunched over, as low as I could, trying

not to be seen or noticed.

Suddenly I saw a pair of bright lights from a jeep shining right

at me, and I ducked down almost parallel to the mud and water.

The coldness of water took my breath away, and made me freeze

and shiver again. My teeth were chattering and my head was

throbbing, and I tried to lay there motionless trying not to pay

attention to my physical agony. I tried so hard not to allow my

teeth to chatter that loud, and let my teeth bite on my lips instead.

It was a military jeep going so very slow with very bright

flashlights, trying to catch anyone who was still outside. One of

the soldiers was turning the flashlight slowly to cover both sides of

the street. There were at least 5 men with military uniform and

military helmets, with rifles in their arms. I could hear 2 of them

giggling about something. I could smell the cigarette smoke from

their topless jeep. As they drove away from me, I chased them

with my eyes until they had completely exited my visual field. I

finally got out of the freezing mud, and washed my muddy hands

in the ice cold water. Then I held my hands under my armpits to

warm them up. My feet were in very bad shape, and were

stinging in various different places. My head was feeling very hot,

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and my body was aching