Drumming the ground with his legs, Gavin emitted a long series of musical clicks.
Carrie and Dave glanced at each other. Despite not understanding a syllable of what Gavin was saying, they both felt compelled to lower their heads like naughty schoolchildren. Carrie wasn’t sure if Gavin was communicating with someone—or something—she couldn’t see, talking to himself, or just seething.
She pulled her face into a serious and, she hoped, professional expression. “I wanted to report that I’ve investigated the—”
“Where is Transgalactic Intercultural Community Crisis Liaison Officer Markham, Transgalactic Intercultural—”
“I don’t know who you mean.”
Gavin clicked again. “The question was rhetorical. I know exactly where she is. She is aboard the second transport the placktoid commander had to send out, due to the fact that the first transport was misappropriated by you.”
Carrie swallowed. “Yes, I wanted to talk to you about that. What’s she doing here? This was supposed to be my job. You were going to send me back to Earth without giving me a chance to do it.”
“Nonsense. You have had numerous opportunities to ascertain the points of contention on the opposing sides. Your performance so far has consisted of arriving for duty out of uniform, lacking nearly all essential equipment, and accompanied by an unauthorised companion. After your arrival, you failed to contact the oootoon. When picked up by the placktoids you did not explain the official nature of your presence, resulting in your confinement under sentence of execution. Upon your return to the planet surface, you antagonised the oootoon and were taken into confinement once more.” Gavin’s extendable inner jaws protruded an extra couple of inches. “You have made no progress in resolving this dispute. Hostilities have recommenced. Naturally I had no option but to return you to Earth. This is not a game. Lives are at stake. This conflict must be resolved, and you have singularly failed to resolve it.”
Carrie opened her mouth and closed it twice, before saying, “I have made progress. I’ve been talking to the oootoons, and they’re friendly, not aggressive. They protected us from the bombardment even though they had no idea who we were. And how could the oootoons harm the placktoids anyway? They can’t reach up here. The placktoids have been bombing it for no reason.”
Gavin was clicking again. “No reason? The oootoon, which is considered a single organism, by the way, has abducted placktoid settlers. That has been established, or I would not have stated it as a fact when you returned to the planet surface. The oootoon attacks any placktoids that stray near its shore.”
“Really? Why?”
Gavin leaned closer, so that his inner jaws were inches from Carrie’s face. She drew back her head.
“That,” he said, “is what everyone would like to know.”
“Hold on,” said Dave, “we were bombed down there. Aren’t the placktoids in danger of bombing their own people if they’re still alive...or functioning, or whatever?”
Gavin swung round to face Dave, who stumbled back.
“The placktoids have little value for individuals of their species who are not available for recycling. In placktoid culture, a placktoid that has left its colony is considered useless and therefore expendable.”
“So why bother attacking?” asked Carrie.
Gavin swung back to her. “For revenge, and to deter the oootoon from capturing any more of them. All of which you would know if you had consulted the briefing device in your toolbox.”
“Which is what I did, of course,” came a woman’s voice. Carrie’s replacement had arrived and was stepping down from a hovering placktoid. “Hello, Gavin.”
“Transgalactic Intercultural Community Crisis Liaison Officer Markham,” said Gavin, “thank you for agreeing to step in.”
“I’m always happy to help. I see you’ve been disciplining the little flake. Not a moment too soon. I’m here to report that while I was waiting for the second transport to arrive,” the woman glanced sideways at Carrie, “I took the opportunity to speak further with the oootoon. It’s a belligerent entity that holds an unprovoked hatred for the placktoids. In my opinion there’s little hope of any settlement in this dispute. The oootoon should be subject to sanctions and forced to return the placktoid hostages, assuming they’re still alive.”
“What? No,” exclaimed Carrie, “you’ve got it wrong. The oootoon is nothing like that. You just didn’t listen to it long enough. And what do you mean you spoke further with it? You were going to come up here without speaking to it at all.” She turned to Gavin. “The oootoon’s very difficult to understand, with so many competing voices. It’s always arguing with itself because it’s many, many beings in one.”
“Approximately four and a half billion, if we are talking planetwide,” said Gavin, “and yet, at the same time, a single massive entity. A very interesting and nearly unique life form.”
“And particularly antagonistic,” said the woman.
“Look,” said Carrie, “I don’t know who you are, but I’d be grateful if you’d stop shoving your oar in.”
The woman smirked. “The name’s Belinda. So pleased to meet you, whoever you are. No, really,” she held up a hand as Carrie opened her mouth, “don’t bother telling me your name. You won’t be around long enough for it to be worth my while learning it. Gavin, I believe the case here is solved. I studied the Council’s inspection report, and the placktoids’ claim that they have been subjected to unprovoked attacks ever since attempting to settle on the oootoon planet—”
“There’s your answer,” exclaimed Carrie, “the placktoids are trying to take over the oootoon’s world. It’s only natural that it fights back.”
“Didn’t you read any of the information you were given?” asked Belinda.
Gavin was clicking again. “The placktoids have been granted permission to settle on the land areas of the planet. The oootoon has no use for them and there is no other sentient life. But, after agreeing to the settlement plans, the oootoon began kidnapping placktoids.”
“Unprovoked?”
“As far as we can ascertain.”
Carrie looked at Dave. “That doesn’t sound right, does it?” He had wandered to the hatchway and was looking out of it. He shook his head. Carrie turned to Gavin and Belinda. “When we were there, after the paperclip dropped us in the oootoon—deliberately, I’m pretty sure—it let us out untouched. We didn’t even know it was alive. It was only when I accidentally ate some of it—”
“You ATE some of it?” said Gavin.
Carrie sighed. “It was a mistake, okay?”
Belinda shook her head and tutted. “Gavin, isn’t there some way to force this woman and her friend to return to Earth? She’s terrible at her job and she’s complicating everything with her ineptitude.”
“It was only when it was provoked,” continued Carrie, heavily, “that it attacked. And even then it didn’t harm us, it only confined us. It tried to protect us from the bombing, and it let us go when I explained who I was and why I was there. It set us free despite what I’d done.”
“That the oootoon are holding several hundred placktoids hostage is well established,” said Belinda. “The oootoon provided no coherent explanation when I questioned it—”
“That’s because it can’t communicate clearly.”
Gavin whirred. “Transgalactic translators are highly effective—”
“That isn’t the point,” exclaimed Carrie. “Every single one of the oootoon parts speaks at once. I don’t know exactly how it works, but it seems that when there’s a consensus between enough of them, the oootoon acts. But in terms of talking with it one-to-one, forget it.”
“The Transgalactic Council is aware of the unusual communication method of the oootoon,” said Gavin.
“Well, I certainly managed to communicate with it,” said Belinda.
“No, you didn’t,” said Carrie.
“I beg your pardon?”
“You didn’t have enough time—”
“How dare you,” said Belinda. “Gavin, is this kind of behaviour acceptable? She’s actually accusing me of lying!”
“Yes, I am sorry to say I think you are correct, Transgalactic Intercultural Community Crisis Liaison Officer Markham. Carrie, your behaviour and attitude are entirely inappropriate for someone in your position. I am formally informing you that your employment is terminated. This will cause me severe embarrassment in front of my superiors, but I am afraid it is unavoidable. If you do not return to Earth I will have to force you.”
Belinda tilted her chin and looked down her nose at Carrie, who clenched her fists.
“I’m not going anywhere—”
An alarm ripped through the air. The three humans covered their ears, and Gavin flipped onto his back. His ten pairs of legs jerked and wriggled. From all corners of the entrance area, placktoids began speeding towards the door.
“What’s going on?” yelled Carrie, though she couldn’t hear herself above the din.
Dave beckoned her over to the hatch, and pointed down. At first, Carrie couldn’t make out what he was pointing at against the yellow background of the planet, but then she saw it, zooming up towards them at an astonishing speed: A massive blob of oootoon.