How to Marry a Psychopath by Fruitloopmum - HTML preview

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So…when exactly did you realize you’d married a psychopath?

It was a straight forward enough a question over a glass of wine at a friend's party. We'd been chatting about relationships, and there was definitely a frisson of something in the air between us. I felt a nervous twitch coming on. All his fault of course....'the ex' and the twitch...not the rather cute guy interrogating me.

The trouble was it was a bummer of a question to answer. The cute guy knew it because he was grinning mischievously at me. I mean, how do you explain a ten-year marriage to a psychopath without looking like a complete fruit loop yourself? I had several options open to me and I had to choose carefully. It was make or break time with Mr Cute.

I could go on the defensive and explain that many psychopaths are masters of disguise. You know, seemingly normal and even charmingly charismatic individuals until someone or something tips them over the edge.

I could recount the psychologist's enlightening explanation that 'the ex' suffered from the same personality disorder as Hitler and allegedly Stalin. Wouldn't that elicit some degree of sympathy and understanding from Mr Cute?

Or..I could enter into a boring monologue of dates and times when I had noticed that 'the ex' had been behaving slightly left of centre. That would probably make Mr Cute glaze over, but then I could cleverly lift the conversation with the hilarious story of my 'aha moment'.

Hell, even the explanation that I am a truly benevolent soul, always believing in the best in people - until proven otherwise, would make me sound like a naive bloody nutcase given a ten-year marriage.

I only had seconds to decide on my response and didn't want to blow it. Let's face it, it's not often that a divorced mum of four gets chatted up by a delicious younger man. I was damn well determined that I wasn't going to let this opportunity pass me by without making it clear that I consider myself to be a balanced, emotionally mature and exceedingly yummy mummy.

I took a sip of wine, gave Mr Cute my most mischievous smile in return, and told the absolute truth

"Well, I suppose I realised on the day that I found myself standing in my laundry room dosing all of his underpants with itching powder"