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Unmarked police car

Hang up and drive I’m marching to a different accordion

Don’t believe everything you think
It’s clear that our technology has surpassed our humanity
Oh, no – not another learning experience
It’s a scientific fact: scum always rise to the top You don’t even have to make soup to see it.

If you can’t operate your turn
signals, what makes you think
you can operate the rest of the car?

It’s really a challenge when one hand is applying make-up and the other is holding the cell phone. You need to train the free foot.

Jesus called; He wants
His religion back
Unfortunately, the message got lost. Email wouldn’t have been any better.

Our national health plan:
don’t get sick
It’s ironic that this thought is serious while the health care system doesn’t provide for preventive care.

Stop repeat offenders: don’t re-elect them If we don’t change directions, we’ll wind up where we’re going
Isn’t it strange that in the Age of Information the truth is so hard to find?
Don’t believe anything until it is officially denied
I think, therefore I don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh That type of radio is just that – talk and no action.
Evolution is just a theory – kind of like gravity!
January 20, 2009: The end of an error
If we don’t protect freedom of speech, how will we know who the iceholes are?
I changed this one slightly to protect little children.
America needs an oil change
Was Columbus a terrorist
or an illegal alien?
Didn’t someone not that long ago give us only two choices?

Staying with that same thought, you may not find this one on the back of a car, but I like it anyway.
The opposite of good
is not evil, but apathy

The next dozen or so are not bumper stickers either, but will be before long.
Minimum wage for politicians
Ask me about the conspiracy
Until lions write books, history will always glorify the hunter
Jesus never rode an elephant
My boxer is smarter than your honor student
The rapture is not an exit strategy
Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges
Why does your vision of freedom look like a police state?
Why are so many pro-lifers for the death penalty?
It’s as bad as you think and they’re out to get you
We’ve got to get back to the garden

A woman’s place is in the House, Senate and Oval Office Concerned about CO2? You’re getting warmer.

Justice not just US
Had enough yet?

I believe this next one is a bumper sticker. I used up all my sick days,
so I called in dead

Chances are this person’s boss said, “I hope you feel better tomorrow. Take an extra day if you need it.”
Having turned 65 in September 2007, it appears as though these bumper stickers may be for me.
I asked my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs. She said Depends.
The only trouble with retirement . . . you never get a dam day off. Is this in reference to Hoover or Boulder?
Goodbye tension. Hello pension.
That snap crackle pop in the morning ain’t my freaking Rice Krispies.
You know you’re getting old when you throw a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
I always invite my neighbors.
Sometimes I wake up Grumpy . . . and some days I let him sleep. What about Dopey?
Senior Campbell’s – New large type alphabet soup I have to be able to spell now, too?
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about our age.
And hang out with really old people.
I must be getting older – all the names in my phone book end with M. D.
At least the person saying this isn’t DOA.
Be nice to your children. They will choose your nursing home.
One good thing about Alzheimers: you get to meet new people every day.
I’m not sure if this was included before.
Support Bingo – keep grandma off the streets.
When did my wild oats turn to fruit and bran? You’re the one who wanted the fiber.
Insufficient memory at this time Upgrading your PC probably won’t help.
One good thing about Alzheimers: you can hide your own Easter eggs. Once you found them, I wouldn’t advise eating them.

 

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

In for seeing eye dogs only, I asked the question, “Why is material put on ships called cargo while stuff that gets placed on highway vehicles are called shipments?” I think I found the answer: The car just won’t go and the ship is meant for cruises.

6. Look to the children

I’m sure you’ve been at musical performances that began quite late. I was at a Gregg Allman concert in Syracuse in the mid 1980s that was scheduled to start at 10:30, but he didn’t appear on stage until 11:30. The show was good, but it was on a weeknight. I probably should have arranged in advance to have the next day off from work.

On May 15, 1971, my friends and I were fortunate to be at the Auditorium Theatre in Rochester, New York for a midnight Chuck Mangione happening, Together. It featured the renowned musician with his brother Gap, Bat McGrath, Don Potter, Esther Satterfield and the Rochester Philharmonic Orchestra. One of the numbers we heard that night was Look to the Children, a beautiful duet with Esther and Don that was enhanced by a great solo by trumpeter, Al Porcino. Part of the lyrics of the song was, “Look to the children – they know more than we.”

In each of my two previous books on temporary brain abandonments, I have an entire chapter on “Young intelligence,” since our youth come up with some gems. They certainly bring a great deal of laughter to all of us and Art Linkletter confirmed that when he used the phrase, “Kids say the darndest things!” Of course, they are to be excused because they are learning. Nonetheless, if you compare what they say to what comes forth from the mouth of politicians and businessmen, you have to agree, the former know more.

Three Little Pigs
This story proves just how fascinating the mind of a six-year old is. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. The pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: “Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”
The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?”
One little boy raised his hand and said very matterof-factly, “I think the man would have said, ‘Well, I’ll be damned - a talking pig!’”
The teacher had to leave the room.

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Davie. “Giving up?”

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up.”

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Davie?”
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
I hope he brought an apple for the teacher – without a worm inside.

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Little Davie quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”
Perhaps that applies to your cable, but not mine.

Little Davie’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Little Davie asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”

Davie, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

Reese: “Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.”
This interpretation probably came after Reese sang, “Hark, the Harold Angels Sing.”

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.” He must have heard about the neo-Conservatives.

One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
I hope they plan to recycle.

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
Let us pray that these snoring individuals don’t include the ushers.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
But I can’t walk on water!

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God

throw him back down?”
The following comes from the minds of children regarding the explanation of God.

One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn’t make grownups, just babies I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn’t have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn’t go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad’s head asking for something they said you couldn’t have.

Atheists are people who don’t believe in God. I don’t think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren’t any who come to our church.

Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn’t want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him. But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn’t know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.

His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn’t have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God!

Don’t skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don’t believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can’t go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He’s around you when you’re scared, in the dark or when you can’t swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.

These are some letters that Ann Landers printed concerning interpretations about words in the Lord’s Prayer and a few other misconceptions.

When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, “Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses.”
I’m not sure of the origin of this letter, but it’s probably from Philadelphia, although they forgot about the cheese.

From San Francisco comes this: When I was a child, I learned this prayer as “Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name.” I always thought that was God’s real name.
It’s George, not Howard. Apparently this person never saw the movie, Oh, God.

A writer from Groton, Massachusetts sends this: My mother spent her early childhood saying, “Hail Mary, full of grapes.”
This must have been after her son turned the water into wine.

This comes from Missoula, Montana. My son, who is in nursery school, said, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?”
He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so what did you expect? Oh, no, that’s another guy.

A resident of Uniontown, Ohio sent: I remember thinking this prayer was “Give us this day our jelly bread.” That’s a great deal healthier than butter or margarine.

Someone from Covina, California offers this thought. I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, “I led the pigeons to the flag.”
These pigeons are obviously with the president.

Cleveland, Ohio was the source of this feeling. When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: “I pledge allegiance to the flag and to the republic for Richard Stands.”
I think the confusion resulted because Richard actually stands during this ritual.

A citizen of another city that I resided in for a short time – Tampa, Florida – sent this: When my husband was six years old, he thought a certain prayer was, “He suffered under a bunch of violets.” Of course, the real words were “under Pontius Pilate,” but at that age, he didn’t know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
Personally, I’d rather have a Baby Ruth, but not in church.

My home state of New York sent this one from Schenectady: I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was, “Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear.”
I never got that close to notice.

When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was, “And the rains came down, and the floods came up.” We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, “And the rains came down, and the spuds came up.” – Lake Forest Park, Washington
I would have thought someone from Idaho would have sent this. Oh well, it’s only one state over.

Someone from Oak Harbor, Washington sent this: When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, “What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?”

Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn’t say, “Be quiet until you get to your seat.”
So that was the translation from the Latin.

When I was younger, I believed the line was, “Lead a snot into temptation.” I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble. – Grand Junction, Colorado I think this was only uttered during flu season.

I close the chapter with a contribution of my classmate Tom Gworek via email.

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil contributes to this tale. You don’t even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day, her teacher – a nun, as you might expect – called on her while she was sleeping.

“Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?”
When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret.
The nun said, “Very good,” and continued teaching her class.
A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, “Who is Our Lord and Savior?”
But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
“Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The nun once again said, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The nun asked her a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The nun fainted!
I can’t top that!

7. Useless facts

I believe the majority of what follows was emailed to me. In general, these so-called facts – I plan to write a book soon about just that issue, truth – aren’t that funny but you might learn something. That assumes that they’re nothing more than el toro crappo. As you can guess, they need spicing up, so I added a few thoughts.

The real reason ostriches stick their heads in the sand is to search for water.
Unfortunately there are a lot of people who aren’t much different in appearance but they aren’t searching for any liquid.

The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
What about the orangutan with the mirror?

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. At least the drinker need not worry about the fat in the drink, but I wouldn’t do the commercial.

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
You won’t believe what was used for an exhaust pipe.

American car horns beep in the tone of F.
That’s the first letter of a word that represents a hand signal used by road ragers.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Does this imply that dead people burn more calories than anyone watching the tube?

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. I’m not getting on that donkey.
One in every four Americans has appeared on television. I hate to say what most of them have made of themselves.

A Boeing 747’s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.
This sounds like a comparison of apples and oranges – whoever came up with this should be congratulated for making it into this book. That’s nothing to be proud of.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. No wonder I keep losing my balance.

The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
That may also be the IQ of those who compiled some of these useless facts.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. Uglets is the name for some of the vehicles on the highway today.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Who said there’s no justice in the world?

Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. I’m sure you really care.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California. It won’t be after the Big One!
Grabatology is the collecting of ties. You can have mine – send me your address.

Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
What a difference one decision can make.

The shortest poem in the world is, “Fleas.”
I’m not into poetry – now you know why – although I have been called a poet.

Conception occurs more often in December than any other month.
I can vouch for that.

In 1982, Englishman William Hall committed suicide by drilling holes into his head with a power drill – it took eight holes.
That would be nowhere near enough to kill a lawyer.

There is no single word given to describe the back of the knee.
I’ll come up with one before I finish this book.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin zoo. Until recently, that was the largest case of collateral damage.

On average, one hundred people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
Thank God, I’m writing this on my PC.

In ten minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world’s nuclear weapons combined.
I still prefer the hurricane, as long as I’m not nearby.

Elephants can’t jump. Every other mammal can. Does someone plan on drafting the former for the NBA?

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.
What about cappuccino?

There are coffee-flavored PEZ. What about donkey doo-doo?

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
The truth is he has longer to get his parachute open.

The Atlantic Ocean is saltier then the Pacific Ocean. That explains why my cholesterol is so high.
In medieval England, beer was often served with breakfast. If you tasted their food in general, you’d realize why.

The right lung takes in more air then the left.
I think this has something to do with Democrats and Republicans.

At ninety degrees below zero Fahrenheit, your breath will freeze in midair and fall to the ground.
If you’re outside at that temperature, you deserve it.

Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas, but only female mosquitoes bite.
What will bite me if I eat plantains?

Seven percent of Americans will eat McDonalds today. I don’t call that eating.

There are more stars in the universe than grains of sand on all the beaches in the world.
This counting thing sounds like a job my former boss would have given me.

Every day more money is printed for monopoly than for the US Treasury.
It’s worth more, too.

Polar bears are left-handed.
However, most of them bat right-handed.

The world’s youngest parents were eight and nine and lived in China.
They were grandparents even as teenagers.

The youngest pope was eleven years old.
He married the Chinese couple above. No one else would.
Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving. Where did they find the microwave?

Scientists say the average person eats about two pounds of bugs a year. That’s mostly because insects accidentally get ground up in foods like peanut butter, strawberry jelly, and spaghetti sauce. They won’t hurt you since they’re actually full of protein.
There aren’t any recipes for barbequed bug in my cookbook.

If an insect flies in your ear, shine a light in your ear, chances are it will crawl or fly back out.
I rely on the wax to finish him.

According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.
He obviously never came out of his shell.

While performing her duties as queen, Cleopatra sometimes wore a fake beard.
Apparently, there were other times when it wasn’t fake.

It takes three thousand cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.
They’re still called pigskins – beam me up, Scotty.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
That might turn into a problem.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
Who said legal drugs couldn’t be profitable.

Pound for pound, hamburgers can cost more than a new car. I don’t plan to eat a three thousand pound hamburger.

Ten percent of the Russian government’s income comes from the sale of vodka.
Is that all?

The only fifteen letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Awhh, c’mon. Get the other eleven letters in there somehow, and then you have something.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. It’ll probably be a boomer.

In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
If I live there and use a mousetrap, I’m not telling the authorities.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
This also kept them from the beer.

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down – hence the expression “to get fired.”
Didn’t that kill them?

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. Once again, people need to get some different hobbies.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary.
Of course – that because of all the “el toro crappo!”

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. I can inject a turkey with it and not only have some flavor, I won’t have to kill the animal.

Every Swiss citizen is required by law to have a bomb shelter or access to a bomb shelter.
Is that because of the bad jokes?

The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
Now we know who killed J. R.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the “1” encased in the “shield” and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner. If you look real closely, you may be able to detect the head of Donald Rumsfeld on the lower left hand corner.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.
That’s why it took so long for the first Olympics to finish.

Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula.”
I still love to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross. That could change soon as I have a few suggestions for politicians who I think belong there.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The Speaker of the House’s spouse is thrilled!

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. If yours has more, that’s because it isn’t regulation.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. Not even if Superman is coming?

More than fifty percent of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
They need a different long distance service.

Rats and horses can’t vomit.
Tell that to those that we took with us in college on binges.

Rats multiply so quickly that in eighteen months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
This may explain the preponderance of lobbyists.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist. It was probably Tim Whatley.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
And they Nair uttered a complaint.

Cat’s urine glows under a black-light.
Fortunately, you’ll only have to worry about that at the discos.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that banana was their favorite smell.
That is not even in my top ten favorites.

Forty percent of all people who come to a party in your home, snoop in your medicine cabinet.
I either lock mine or keep guests out of the bathroom.

8. Hemorrhoids and some ideas

I have written about telemarketers, the post office and banks and other fine organizations in so many books – because of the missing intelligence – and it has occurred to me that they do things just to keep people on their toes. They certainly don’t make our lives any easier. Being a teacher for eight years and continuing in that capacity as a writer, it’s time for a quiz – actually, just one question.

Which of the following has more intelligence than some individuals – notice I didn’t say all – working in a bank? a. a rutabaga
b. a butter bean
c. a New England Patriot fan
d. a stalk of broccoli
e. London Bridge
The answer will be found at the end of the book. After reading what follows, I’m sure you will agree with the choice.

By writing of this happening, maybe I’ll get to feel better. On Thursday, December 13, 2007 – I should have had an inkling that this might happen because of the unlucky part of the date – I checked the monthly statement from my mom’s checking account. The name of the bank is not important as any bank is capable of pulling off what follows. Before proceeding, you will need a bit of background.

I handle this account for my mom, as she’d rather not be bothered with it. Thus I have an ATM card with that glorious password that I use to deposit checks occasionally and also get cash out for her, which I do quite often. I assumed that this card was a debit card since it certainly isn’t a credit card. When I withdraw bucks from the account, it appears to be a debit. I can’t think of what else you would call it. All right, when I infrequently make a deposit the process certainly isn’t a debit but I couldn’t do that with a credit card. Obviously the card is an ATM card but I always felt that it was a debit card as well.

Taking money from an account at the ATM at a bank of the account usually results in no fee and withdrawals from this bank never cost this account a cent – until a few days ago. The statement had a one-dollar charge for using the ATM on December 11, 2007. Not to ignore this, I called the bank and was told that this debit was levied – the people who experienced Katrina won’t care for that word – because the withdrawal was not done with a debit card. I shamefully admit I lost it when talking to a bank representative. I didn’t curse anyone out specifically when I was on the phone, but one of the words I used I wouldn’t utter in church. Nonetheless, I was furious to say the least.

There is some good news though. I did apologize for my behavior, I got the fee waved and any subsequent fees – I hope, but will have to keep verifying – and the bank will be sending me a debit card. I’m not really sure what that piece of plastic I used on the 11th for a cash withdrawal was, but I will shred it.

In the early part of March 2008, I was overwhelmed by multiple bank bimbo bunglers. The first had to do with an online payment from my checking account to pay my Visa card. In February 2008, my bank closed and was bought out by another. After talking to a representative, I was informed that there would be a smooth transition and all scheduled monthly payments and deposits would require no action on my part. After a few days, I made a payment and soon received a letter that there was problem with moving money electronically to pay my credit card. I called and was told to contact the bank, which I did. Nothing got resolved, so a few days later I went online and from all indications, the transfer appeared to go through. To be sure, I called the credit card people and after some discussion, that was indeed the case. What a waste of my time.

The second hemorrhoid concerned my mom’s checking account. I monitor it frequently and one day noticed a fifteen-dollar maintenance fee. For the most part, I’m the one doing that, so why the charge? I called and the person at the bank looked into it and quickly wiped out the transaction. All I can figure is that for some reason the bank changed the rules – without telling any of the customers – and decided on a surcharge, based on a balance. My guess is that the threshold was set at five thousand dollars, but perhaps it was as low as only two grand. Since my mom has two certificates of deposit with that bank, above either limit, the representative did me the favor.
Some day – but don’t count on it – I may like banks.

On June 15, 2007, I overheard one teller utter the words, “Change is good.”
I wanted to say that it is, but only if accompanied by progress, but I didn’t.

A few moments later, it was my turn with another teller, so I handed her a few checks to make a deposit. That was done and then I asked her if she had any fifties, and she replied in the affirmative so I gave her three twenties. She took them and asked, “How many?” I said, “Two.” She only gave me one fifty and a ten, saying, “I didn’t see that you only gave me three twenties, at first.
Had she looked at what I handed her before speaking, she wouldn’t have asked that really dumb question. I heard people say that there are no dumb questions, but this instance should dispute that point. Perhaps we should have a bit more fun with stupid people by giving really dumb answers to dumb questions!

On September 26, 2007, I got an email that my Bank of America account was suspended.
That’s good news because I don’t have any such account – maybe now they will stop emailing me.

It doesn’t get any better, as the events of early February 2008 would point out. In the year before, I cosigned a loan for my niece, Elizabeth. She has been carrying out her duty to make monthly payments in such a fine fashion that I hope credit card bureaus give her the highest rating – if she doesn’t deserve it, no one does. I instructed her to put a few bucks extra into the monthly offering and she heeded my request.

This loan is with Greater Buffalo Savings Bank, the same bank that handles my checking account. The president of the bank, Andrew Dorn, was almost one of my students. He was at St. Joseph’s Collegiate Institute at the same time I was teaching. I do most of my banking online and my account as well as the loan can be viewed when I log on to the bank’s web site. At the beginning of the month in question, I noticed that loan information on my screen pointed out that the next payment date was January 31st. This seemed to indicate that my niece had missed a payment. Well, she didn’t as a payment was made in the middle of the month, which I saw when I clicked on account details.

I figured she might be penalized for paying too soon – could this actually happen? I called the branch, but it was after business hours and decided to call on the following Monday. I did this and took care of the matter and then the next day checked to see that everything was in order. What I found was that her balance was higher on February 4th than it had been after she made the payment, two weeks before.

This wasn’t reasonable, but you need remember whom I was dealing with, so I called the bank. I talked to one individual – wasn’t pleased – so I talked to her supervisor with the same result. Nothing changed and I was furious, although none of my words had different off-colors of the spectrum in them. Eventually I told this supervisor that I would be calling the president of the bank, she couldn’t help me, good-bye and I hung up the phone – something that may not have been a bad idea for these two people.

The explanation I was given is as follows: The payment was credited incorrectly, that is, in the amounts of principle and interest. As a result, because of this error, it was adjusted and that’s why the balance was higher on the 4th of February. In other words, because of the bank’s screw-up, my niece would have a higher balance. Had I not called originally and reported the January due date problem, the new balance would still have been higher.

I did as I promised and called Mr. Dorn and he took care of the matter. I had talked to him in 2007 and asked if he was in any of my classes. He replied, “No, I’d still be there.” Apparently my teaching efforts way back then paid some dividends by osmosis. I’m happy to report that not all people who work at lending institutions are missing intelligence. I thought about calling the bank again and asking for the names of those two individuals so I could add them to this tale, but decided not to do that.

You can see why I titled this chapter the way I did. There are a host of people and companies and groups that make our lives a living hell. Maybe it’s their job, so it’s time to fight back. What I suggest is to enjoy the ride and get involved and have a good time while doing that. What follows are some fun things that can be done. Some of these even involve hemorrhoids. You are welcome to try these suggestions to break up the monotony of everyday life as well. Unfortunately, the author will not help spring those incarcerated or provide the cost of an attorney for their actions.

At lunchtime, sit in your car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom, but don’t disguise your voice.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In.”
In the memo field of all your checks, write “For smuggling diamonds.”
Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
When your money comes out of the ATM, scream, “I won! I won!”

When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, “RUN FOR YOUR LIVES; THEY'RE LOOSE!”

Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

When someone says something that you find hard to believe, that is, it’s nothing more than el toro crappo, look into his or her face and say, “Just as I thought, your eyeballs are brown.”

When you call a business – especially one that you aren’t quite happy with – they’ll probably put you on hold, and you will hear some background music while you’re waiting – in some cases it’s a very long time. The sounds you are forced to hear could even be quite wretched. You can counteract this by putting on your own music. This works quite well if you are in front of your PC. Why not play a CD of punk or rap and leave it on, making sure that it drowns out what is being offered you by the business. Once the representative comes on the line, there is no need to turn off your music. Why spoil their listening pleasure? You’ll just have to tune it out and concentrate on the person on the other end of the line.

You can even have a better time when the service person asks you for an account number or logon ID. Tell them to hold on and turn up the volume a bit on the music until you retrieve what they want. Also, there’s really no need to hurry in finding the information.
The music is a nice touch, or if you prefer, why not play a recording of someone screaming. You should be able to find some good sound effects at the public library.

You can also call 800 numbers at random and most likely will be put on hold for a time. You can leave the phone to do something more productive and return after a few minutes and then hang up.
They’re paying for the call.

I mentioned a few fun ideas to combat telemarketers in wake up – it’s time for your sleeping pill. There’s nothing like perfecting techniques since driving these annoying individuals crazy is not a bad idea. Of course, it would be even better to drive them off the face of the planet. When one of these mutants dials your phone and asks for you, don’t let them know who you are. You can be vague and just say you’ll check to see if she’s around. Put down the phone and take your time – our world is in too much of a hurry, as is. After all, you want to check all the rooms, and that takes time.

Another suggestion to get even with telemarketers and others who bother you at dinnertime is to leave this message on your answering machine:

We’re sorry, but the number you are trying to reach has been disconnected. You’re up the creek without a paddle.
You could add another word in that last sentence and may want to tell your friends and family to wait for the beep and leave a message.

You probably will land up under arrest, but this is something that I would love to see done. You’ve seen those signs on the highway that say, “merge right,” or “merge left,” as the lane will soon be gone. This will only work on a two-lane divided highway, but get one of each of these and put one sign up and then a few yards later, the other.

Here’s a great idea for a few laughs. If you happen to discover who was responsible for the font, wing dings, get on your PC and compose a letter to him / her. It really is not that important how long it is or what you say. When you’re done, spell check it and then convert the font to wing dings. Address the letter in a readable font and you really don’t need a return address. Add the stamp and let the USPS do the rest. You could do the same bit with an email, but spam filters may deprive the recipient of this communication. If you find out who this innovator is, let me know. I’d like to get in on this, too. You can tell others as well since this person probably likes to read what comes in his mail box.

Not everyone can do this, but the clergy need to have fun just like the rest of us. If you happen to fit that class of people, why not call in sick on the weekend when you have to be in the church or temple. That way, you can head out to a party or have dinner with friends. You won’t need a doctor’s excuse.

My experiences with the health care profession has led me to believe that perhaps we should call it, HealthCould-Care-Less. It needs a great deal of improvement, but I need not convince you of that. I close the chapter with a few things that you can do to get even.

You are supposed to fast before some procedures at the hospital or in the doctor’s office. That could mean that you have to cease stuffing your face at midnight if you have a morning appointment. However, there are no restrictions on what you can put into your body before that cutoff point. The day before one of these ventures, since you have to make a few sacrifices, on the previous night, why not have a dinner of Aglio Et Olio – spaghetti with oil and garlic. Be generous with the garlic. Let the nurses and doctors have a good time too.
A word of warning: since the doctor has the last say that day, maybe this isn’t such a great idea.

Whenever I’m scheduled for medical tests, a few days before I eat as many as beets as possible – and not the yellow ones.
I want to make sure the testing procedure is really working.

You can also eat plenty of poppy seed rolls and pastries with that tiny spice – the more the better – before having to take a drug test.
You may not want to try this if you just landed a job and this is necessary before you begin working at the company.

This next suggestion was offered by Andy Rooney – or so I’m told. To get rid of a great deal of unwanted junk mail – that combination of words is a pleonasm – consider a couple possibilities. You may be able to just put the words, “Return to sender” on the envelope without opening it and put it back in the mail. This won’t work on some mailings that get the bulk rate since those letters just get returned to the post office, which could care less.

Instead, open the envelope – I know it’s more effort, but it might make a difference – and see if there is a pre-paid envelope inside. If so, you are in luck. There’s no sense wasting it, so why not return it without having to place a stamp on it. At the same time, before you seal that carrier, put back into it as much of what was in the original envelope – including that envelope itself, which will fit if you fold it enough times – as you can.

Don’t limit yourself. Corporations talk about diversifying, and you can do the same by loading more material from other sources inside that envelope, since there is plenty of room. Mix and match, and don’t forget that it’s acceptable to use a bit of scotch tape to guarantee the letter won’t come unglued. One word of advice that you may want to heed is not to put toxic substances or chemicals inside.

When you get “ads” enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these “ads” with your payment. Let the sending companies throw away their own junk mail. When you get those “pre-approved” letters for everything from credit cards to second mortgages and similar type trash, save the return envelope, since the people who sent them want them back. Do your civic duty and return them. Remember you can find plenty to send back. Why not send an ad for your local septic cleaner to Chase Bank. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn’t get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! You probably want to cross out your name on any correspondence and not place a return address on the envelope. That’s not to say you can’t go to the phone book and find one there. Personally, I think it’s a great idea to use the address of a politician. You can find those on the congress web site. CONGRESS.ORG. Take your pick.
9. Newman lives

Because of what happened on February 1, 2008 – you can read about it later – I decided to include an entire chapter on the United States Post Office (USPS). You may recall there was one on the government in for seeing eye dogs only, so it’s time to renew the deliverance. I’ll start with a particularly annoying incident dealing with the government by way of the USPS – they really seem to be annoying lately – that occurred just after publication of This Page Intentionally Left Blank in the latter part of 2007.

I sent out two copies of the book to a magazine in San Francisco – one for the person I had worked with for a few months and the other to be reviewed. Sometimes I track mailings through the USPS and at other times I just email and ask if it was received. In this instance, I emailed but after more than two weeks, the books had not been located. After further checking, they still couldn’t be found. As a result, I wasn’t in too good a mood when I went to the post office and mailed two more copies to the same address.

I figured out why the books didn’t make it to their destination. I addressed it to Mother Jones instead of Mother Jones Magazine and the carrier figured she left the earth so the books went into the dead mail category. Leave it to the good ole post office. Because I was quite frustrated and it came out at the mailing place – I didn’t go postal or even curse at them, and my picture won’t be gracing the walls there – there’s a good chance I’ll have to use United Parcel Service or at least never go back to that same branch of the USPS, which I think stands for U Send Parcels Slowly – very slowly!
Indeed, the second shipment made it to the west coast and its intended recipient.

The adventures continue, because I went to the post office to mail a copy of This Page Intentionally Left Blank

on December 17, 2007. It had the right amount of postage, including the cost of delivery confirmation and I even filled out that piece of paper. The clerk verified that everything was in order but she did mention that I was just at the limit for the weight of the package. As it turns out, using my scale, it could have been three more ounces at the same media mail rate.

Since there was no need for any further money changing hands, I’m really not sure why she printed out a receipt for $0.00 as well as a postage do-hickey for that very same null amount. Maybe, she is in cahoots with the paper companies. That will certainly help the planet.

That made it the second package I had to track since December 12, 2007. I mailed two of my books to a gentleman I met at a book signing the day after Thanksgiving. I prepared the package and walked into the post office, deciding to use media mail to get it to its destination. The package had a small sticker I added indicating, “Media mail” and $3 worth of postage. I figured that with delivery confirmation, it would cost me another twenty-two cents. This calculation was correct since I have a small scale at home. The clerk took the envelope, I told her I needed the confirmation and then she asked if I wanted it shipped by media mail.
Perhaps I should have used bigger print for those two words – like eight inches or more. I wanted media mail, she saw the sticker – maybe not – and knew I wanted it shipped that way, so then why did she ask me that question?

I checked this December 12th mailing on a few occasions but the package hadn’t yet arrived, even when I looked five days later. When I mailed it, the clerk mentioned that it could arrive at its destination the next day – not too surprising since that point was only about ten miles away. I did do some further tracking and was quite dismayed to see that the books somehow got to the state of Maryland. It was sent from Buffalo to another Buffalo address.
And we trust these people with our packages. I probably shouldn’t complain as my package was delivered on December 20th, more than a week after it was sent. It did get to Warrendale, PA from points south, over 200 miles from here – but it should be considered that the distance from the post office to its destination is less than a dozen miles. I could have walked it over in less than four hours – although my feet wouldn’t have been too happy. Still, I’m thankful the books got there before Christmas, and more so when I saw this headline just before checking my email on December 18, 2007:

A Christmas postcard mailed in 1914 arrives in Kansas
Newman’s father, grandfather, maybe his great grandfather and even Cliff Claven probably had something to do with this.

Some days are better than others, but for me, Friday February 1, 2008 was more than I could handle, especially my postal encounter. It began about 1:30 in the afternoon when my buzzer rang. I should have known better and not answered it, but that would have meant no mail delivery or pickup that day since the person trying to enter our complex was a US postal worker. No junk mail – all right!

The second mistake I made was opening my door, which wasn’t really necessary when I realized who was there. I would have saved a great deal of time and aggravation. I talked to this substitute postal carrier and she asked how the normal deliverer entered the premises. I told her he had a master key, which she found hard to believe. I got my mail – which I didn’t open until the next day – and waited to be sure she took my three outgoing pieces of correspondence. There have been occasions when mail wasn’t picked up.

She then proceeded to tell me that the two packages I had couldn’t be delivered because of insufficient postage. I had delivered the exact same thing the day before – my latest book – and on many other occasions by media mail, so I knew that she was off the mark. She called her supervisor, but that phone call changed nothing. Her boss probably went to Postal U. with her – not to be confused with Coastal Carolina. She said that what I had weighed over thirteen ounces and that was the problem – she could tell. Did she have a scale embedded in her hand? I didn’t see one. I mentioned that these two books were to be shipped by media mail and a document from the post office clearly states that anything under one pound could be shipped that way for $2.13. I had delivery confirmation as well, which I accounted for in both packages. I then took the two packages and told her to wait, as I would weigh them. Sure enough, they each weighed less than thirteen ounces or exactly that much.

When I returned, she was gone with the wind. I decided to head over to the post office since I needed stamps anyway and had to mail another letter. On the way to my car I saw this demon and handed her the letter, which she took and I tried to reason with her. She seemed in a rush and appeared to be overworked, (not possible since she was a government employee) underpaid (I doubt that) and underfed (not from what I saw). I did what I should have done a long time ago and stopped the discussion and headed over to the post office.

Once there, I asked the clerk if I had enough postage and she said yes. I bought some stamps and headed home. I realized at that moment that next to this carrier, Newman would be postal employee of the year. I also learned a lesson, perfectly encompassed in this bumper sticker:

My silence could mean you
are not worth the argument

This carrier must have spoken to the people behind the counter, because on Tuesday, February 5, 2008, I went online to check the status of a book I mailed to Oakland, California the previous week. The report in front of me indicated the package was missent. Oh, joy! More of the message is included here:

Your item was misrouted. The error has been corrected and every effort is being made to deliver it as soon as possible.
Thanks to the post office and banks, this manuscript may be done sooner than I expected. A day later, I went to the USPS web site to track the book and found it left the Warrendale, Pennsylvania facility. That city is close to Pittsburgh so I’m happy to report it’s heading in the right direction.

Apparently, UPS – they have most of the same letters as the USPS, but they shouldn’t be confused with the government agency – is following in the footsteps of the Post Office. A few days after Christmas 2007, I dropped off a return of a gadget that would convert slides to digital, since it appeared to be defective. I wanted another so this went to Fairfield, Ohio from my home in Buffalo. I checked on the shipment a day or two after, but it was nowhere near its destination, but at least it was in the system. On January 2, 2008, I tried to locate the goods again. Unfortunately, the system had a few bugs because it couldn’t find it, at least not with the tracking number I supplied. I did check the accuracy of what I entered more than once, still with no luck.

On January 3, 2008, I figured I would try again and lo and behold, had better luck – almost. The last town listed was Sharonville, Ohio at 4 am on that very same day. The bad news is that this location is close to Cincinnati, over a hundred miles southwest of its intended destination. I wonder if it’s on its way to someplace warmer. It appears as though packages see different parts of the country depending on the method of shipment.

I suggested a few possibilities of fun things to do in the previous chapter, and here’s something we should all try, especially after you read my February 1, 2008 fiasco with that wonderful carrier. I’m sure this can work.

Rather than worrying about buying a scale to see what the postage will be or going to the post office, you can save money – for gas and that helps the planet – and your own time by applying stamps of random denominations. You may want to be sure not to get carried away and add more than you need. Thus, if all you have are the old thirty-nine cent stamps, don’t worry – place them on the envelope. If you’re short of the twenty-six cent variety for a postcard, but have a ten-cent stamp, use that. You’ll never need to buy a forever stamp.
10. Email chuckles

I get too much email each day – mostly spam. Some of the other stuff isn’t much better, but at times people do send me material for books on intellectual follies. From time to time, friends email me with a link.
Unfortunately, it’s not the missing one.

Here is some other stuff that I received and felt it had potential for laughs. I made a few changes that shouldn’t affect the laughter.

Here’s a question from the new driver’s license test.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a ‘drop off’ the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse that is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off of the merry-go-round.

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government,” says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows – this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”
George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, “I sure would like to go to Disneyland.”
George said, “No problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One.”
The second kid said, “I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”
George said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”
The third kid said, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!”
George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you are handicapped.”
The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your butt from drowning!”

Subject: The Flight - An early Irish bit of levity

A pompous Presbyterian Minister was seated next to an Irishman on a flight to Dublin. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I didn’t know we had a choice”. Old people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this: first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

Those were the days, my friend. These gems come from the Original Hollywood Squares TV show. They’re from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.

Q: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false: A pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes. Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he’s really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he’s married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I love you”?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: What are “Do It”, “I Can Help” and “Can’t Get Enough”? A: George Gobel: I don’t know but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q: In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting “Poo! Poo! Poo!” What does that mean?
A: George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother’s womb. Can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
This next one is from the mind of Henny Youngman.

Bernie took Louise to the doctor for her annual checkup. After an extensive examination, the doctor said, “Bernie, I’m sorry to inform you that your wife’s mind is completely gone!”

Bernie replied, “Doc, to tell you the truth, I’m not surprised. Really, it’s amazing that it lasted this long. She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the past twelve years!”

An 85-year-old woman decided to take up sky diving. After she attended instruction classes, the great day came for her first jump. Strapping on a parachute, she stood awaiting her turn to leap out of the plane. But when she looked at the ground below, paralyzed with fear, she just couldn’t make the jump.

Finally, she reached into her pocket, pulled out a small hand-held radio and called her instructor on the ground, “Help! I’ve gotten up, and I can’t fall down!”

Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
In case they have to draw blood.

What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey

Saturday, I was having a “special time”, lunch with my ten-year-old son, when the waitress greeted us and asked if we wanted a drink.

“I’ll have a decapitated coffee,” my son said with a grin. The waitress smiled and poured him a cup.
Later she returned with the coffeepot and said, “So, can I put a head on that for you?”
He: Your body is like a temple. She: Sorry, there are no services today.

An elderly Jewish couple won twenty million dollars in the Florida Lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Boca Raton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

They decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, he was instructed to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

The butler replied, “The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes.”

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goats’ milk was used.

She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.”

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his dog for company. One day the dog died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ye be sayin’ a mass for de poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon replied, “I’ll go right away, Father. Do ye think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why din’t ye tell me the dog was Catholic?”

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.” She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”
“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”
“Yes maam. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”
“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”
“Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. “Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you dumb cracker.”
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”
And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, it’s Tony Blair.”

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time – weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops of juice fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
The tavern should have had either a bouncer or a cover charge, maybe both.

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

Back off, Stasiu,” she said. Dose are for da funeral.
How to speak and be politically correct:

She is not “easy,” but rather “horizontally accessible.”
She is not a “dumb blonde;” she is a “light-haired detour off the information superhighway.”
She does not “nag” you, but rather she becomes “verbally repetitive.”
He does not have a “beer gut. He has developed a “liquid grain storage facility.”
He is not a “bad dancer” – he is “overly Caucasian.”
He doesn’t “get lost all the time. He “investigates alternative destinations.”
He is not “balding;” he is in “follicle regression.”

It appears that a really abused animal when it comes to procuring laughs is the goat. Someone sent this tale a short time ago.

Two Congressmen are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first one says, “Wow, that’s some hole, I can’t even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?”

The second one says, “I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first Congressman says, “There’s this old transmission here; give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see.”

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they’re standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. “Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”

And the old farmer said, “Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!”

A friend sent the next batch. In for seeing eye dogs only, I had a few examples of proof reading not being done by those in charge of church bulletins. Some of these are included here, but I changed my reaction.

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals. Obviously it’s not during lent.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Have they tried dredging the lake? Don’t worry, God has a sense of humor.

Miss Karen Kuntz sang I will not pass this way again, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The latter experienced even more joy when they heard she and her husband were moving to Utah.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Apparently they missed the pre-Cana conference.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
It may not be a bad idea to bring tuning forks, cotton and nose plugs.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
It happens to the best of us.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Some people will do anything to get out of paying for a casket.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
This can be remedied by getting some new parishioners who can cook.

The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
If you know of anyone who plays the bass drum, let us know.

This evening, at 7 PM, there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Father George will be hearing confessions afterwards.

Low self-esteem support group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
You may want to tell them to have someone drive them to and from the meeting.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
They should have chosen something by Neil Simon.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
People who write for the church bulletin may want to avoid acronyms at times.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Can I get one of those at Williams-Sonoma? I have no idea what it can do.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Baptist Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Refreshments to follow.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help. That’s why they have all those conferences and support groups.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.” He better get his bags packed.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.” The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with ten children – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

I’m sure you’ve heard of Murphy’s Law, but probably not his lesser known laws.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some

people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a ninety percent probability you’ll get it wrong.
6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
7. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
8. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
9. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long, black hearse was followed by a second long, black hearse about fifty feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”
“What happened to her?”
The man replied, “My dog attacked and killed her.” He inquired further, “But who is in the second

hearse?”

The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line.”

If you are wondering how corporations decide where to properly place new employees, someone sent this bit of help.
1. Put four hundred bricks in a closed room. 2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door. 3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours. 4. Then analyze the situation:

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

The following are said to be actual statements found in insurance forms where Newfoundland car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
Was the other car coming out of that house?

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A couple had this same problem with the window and wound up with a Darwin award a few years ago, which I mentioned in for seeing eye dogs only.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
This driver wasn’t at fault. The stationary truck shouldn’t have been moving. Only stationery trucks wind up in motion.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
How did it miss the driver’s?

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. I thought Superman was dead!

The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
This driver shouldn’t have swerved – or should have been home watching Wheel of Fortune.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. His mistake was not leaping out of the car on time. Just kidding – some of my best friends have mother-in-laws.

I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
This person doesn’t indicate whether the fly survived.

I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. They probably used too much Miracle-Gro.

I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
She should have pulled over to rest after fifteen years.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
It’s not clear where the trouble was – in the driver or the vehicle.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. There’s a lot of that going around.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
Did the driver thank you?

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
This could be a scientific breakthrough.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
You didn’t expect to see this vehicle did you? It’s probably the devil.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull. The problem is you removed your hat!

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
You should have given him a head start.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
We need more telephone pole legislation.

An indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I think I know the direct cause.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
Remind me not to go walking when you’re out on the road.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
That may explain your panting and chasing after rabbits.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
I’d be more than sad!

Three Things to Ponder:
1. Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

2. The Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.

3. The Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shall not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians – it creates a hostile work environment.

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a neo-Conservative at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The neoConservative looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Bob says, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The neo-Conservative replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.” Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re

on!” Just as the neo-Conservative placed his money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The neo-Conservative was very upset, but willingly handed his $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.”
The neo-Conservative replied, “I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.” Bob took the money.

These next few would make Henny and Rodney smile – maybe even sue!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightgown. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”

The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him underwear.

The Army still hasn’t found Herman after all these years.
I’ll probably be excommunicated for this next one.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”

“Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”

Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary s heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, “Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Mary replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”
Apparently she won’t be discharged.

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes Chinese phrase English translation

Sum Ting Wong Hu Yu Hai Ding Kum Hia Nao Tai Ni Po Ni Wai Yu So Tan Chin Tu Fat Wai So Dim Wai Yu Mun Ching No Pah King Wai Yu Kum Nao Lei Ying Lo Wa Shing Ka That’s not right
Are you harboring a fugitive? See me ASAP
Small Horse
Did you go to the beach? I think you need a face lift It’s very dark in here I thought you were on a diet This is a tow away zone Our meeting is next week Staying out of sight He’s cleaning his automobile This probably never happened but it’s still a good

laugh.
Subject: The Wrong Email Address – A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon twenty years earlier. However, due to both keeping hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. Unfortunately, he left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: July 23, 2007

I know you re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.
Whatever you do, don’t report me to the SPCA.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the firefighter said with admiration.
“Thanks,” the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.
“Little partner,” the firefighter said. “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”
The little girl replied thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

If you haven’t caught Chris Rock’s sitcom, Everybody Hates Chris, I highly recommend it for some great laughs. I’m not sure what year this refers to but this is his “Quote of the Year.”

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance and Germany doesn’t want to go to war. Need I say more?”

You may have heard of Professor Backwards. He took certain words and phrases and described the result when you turned it around. One of his gems was the realization that motel spelled backwards is letom. Unfortunately, he died after being mugged. No one heard his cries of pleh, pleh.

What follows is an email that the professor would have delighted in. I received it quite a while ago, but decided to include it here. It only points out the fact that some people have too much free time, shouldn’t have retired or if they are still employed, shouldn’t be allowed the use of email.

before after
GEORGE BUSH HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST EVIL’S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS ALAS! NO MORE Zs
A DECIMAL POINT I’M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO TWELVE PLUS ONE

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6 am. While his coffeepot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore) and tennis shoes (made in Korea). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in India), he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico) to see how much he could spend that day. After setting his watch (made in Taiwan) to the radio (made in India), he got in his car (made in Germany), filled it with gas from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying American job. At the end of yet another discouraging, fruitless day checking his computer (made in Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of French wine and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in America.
The words of the song by Sister Sledge truly ring out here: We are family.

11. A few observations

What follows in this chapter are random thoughts, ideas and things I have witnessed over the last few months. I hope you find them humorous, but in any case, don’t report me to the funny farm, which by the way is one of my favorite movies.

I think I figured out why work isn’t getting done in corporate America. People are too busy eating.
All I hear are comments about what is on their plate and about stuff on the back burner. These people need to get back to work and stop obsessing about food.

A watched pot never boils. An unwatched one will mess up the stove.
I’m not a rocket scientist. Thank God for that. I’m scared of heights and I have common sense.
My drugstore is Wrong Aid. There’s no pressure for competency.
Some drugs are so bad they have front, back and side effects.
It seems to me that a devil’s advocate is still a devil.
I sometimes buy stuff at Best Buy – Worst Service. You’ve got to visit the store to appreciate my feelings.

I was thinking about a job in health care. I have circus experience.
Well, not quite, but having worked in the business world, I think that qualifies. My apologies go out to the lion tamers and clowns – in the circus.

On Monday, April 21, 2008, while on my daily walk on the Ellicott Creek Trailway, I saw a lady in high heels, something I hadn’t observed there in over four years. She may have just got back from a job interview. Since she was walking, there was another possibility, but this is a trail and not a street and it was in the morning.

Around the end of October 2007, I checked my calendar to see when I had to change my clocks. The calendar in my kitchen said this had to be done on the last Saturday in October. However, my calendar in the hallway indicated this should be done the first weekend of November.
I decided to turn the clock back both weekends. That way, I’d get two extra hours.

The clock in my car is always a few minutes late. I’m not on time for anything.
Not long ago, I bought a five-pound bag of some purpose flour.

I got a flier in the mail from a car place and one of the sale items is an oil change package.
It sounds like you have to change the oil yourself – the oil change is extra.

One Friday, I called a restaurant in Buffalo to see if they took reservations. I was told – not on Friday. From that response, I assumed that they took them for the other nights. However, for those evenings you probably don’t need a reservation, whereas Friday is the day you need one. I love corporate America!

While I was a student in high school, there was an underclassman with the name of Jerome Zwierzchacewski. He ran cross country, and I believe the coach put him on the team to get even with the press.
His name probably was too long for a scrabble game. Moreover, you wouldn’t have enough letters since you only picked eight at a time.

There is a street in Tennessee called Heil Quaker Boulevard.
In my mind, those two words seem to be an oxymoron.

I figured out who should be singing the song, Call me irresponsible.
Sadly, there happens to be more than one person – more like an Army.

I know a singer who was so bad that one of the notes this person sang was unnatural.
I use the word, “was” because I hope he / she learned to play the piano.

They say you shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds you but on some occasions I think dental impressions are necessary. Face it: by now you should be able to feed yourself.
Obviously, I’m not an anti-dentite.

The first step to losing weight is to begin an exercise program. You can eat anything, but not everything.

Some of my friends mentioned that there was a bit of stubble on my face and that I looked like Richard Nixon. I was dismayed because not long before that I had shaved. I guess from now on I can’t use a RAZR.

I figured out why not many of my books get sold at bookstores. The place “stores” them rather than selling them.

In filling out a copyright form for one of my books, I saw the words, “Handwritten signature.”
Will it be acceptable if I sign the document with my nose? How could the recipients find out what part of my body I used anyway?

I decided to file for an extension to pay my taxes. Do you think I can get one for twenty years?
It will take that long for me to decipher the instructions.

I could never be an acting president for any organization.
I’ve never been crazy about going on stage.

In early January 2008, my Christmas cactus was in full bloom.
I wonder if the Three Kings had anything to do with this delay.

I plan to invite my friends Ted and Carol over for dinner soon. I’m not sure if Alice will join us.

The United States should impeach George W. Bush. We know he’s impaired.
I bought a Toyota Prius in April 2007 that has more intelligence than the entire administration.

If Al Gore runs for president in 2008 and wins and then gets re-elected, he would have been elected president three times.

I don’t trust anyone who says, “I am not a crook.” You may have heard that Gordon Gekko is coming back – and not for GEICO!
The rumor I heard is they’re making a sequel to the movie Wall Street.

Dollar General is resigning, or at least going AWOL – they didn’t pay him enough.

Some people are reborn, but from what I have seen, it doesn’t make a difference.
You may have seen this concept in an earlier section on bumper stickers.

I bought some invisible tape but I don’t remember where I put it. I can’t see it anywhere.

I don’t go to pot luck parties anymore. The last time, the cops raided the place, found the pot and I wasn’t so lucky.

I returned to the house of my childhood to see what it had become. I asked the people if I could come inside and have a look, but my mom and dad refused me entry.

There are some of my friends that I can’t call because my phone doesn’t have a “5” on it.
I got it from the back of a truck. Perhaps I should have spent a few more dollars on this device.

I worked on a software contract where the meetings were so long that they didn’t read the minutes. They read the hours.

I won’t buy an HD TV until I have to, since with the high definition comes lower intelligence.

On the Ellicott Creek Trailway on March 9, 2007, I saw a red fox.
The classification was probably right since he was using offcolor language.

In the summer of that same year, while beginning my daily walk, on this same trail I saw a gentleman and his dog with a stick in the latter’s mouth. It was at least six-foot long and about an inch and a half in diameter. It was one visual that I wish I could have captured on film.
When it comes to fetching commands, that’s one tough master.

I had some blood work done, recommended by my family doctor. After looking at the results, he wants me to see an apologist.
I eat right and exercise. I must have been saying a lot of things that people don’t want to hear.

I believe in showing courtesy to others, but why do people thank others if the latter haven’t done anything? If you call and need some information but don’t get any, or ask for some kind of consideration that is not offered, I don’t feel it is right to utter the words, “Thank you.” Instead, maybe you should utter, “Go to the theatre.”

I’m sure you have heard an individual who has called a company looking for someone say, “Is Mr. Whiplash in, please?” Is the caller really wishing and praying the dude will be there, or perhaps the question should have been, “Could you please tell me if Mr. Whiplash is there?” I was driving on the road and trying to move over to the left lane, but the person behind me just wouldn’t let me get in. He finally passed me and then I got over. At that point I hand signaled him – all five fingers – to pass along my thanks.

On the highway I notice SUVs with names such as Envoy, Explorer and Expedition. Are there any named Earth, Earthy, Environment or Environmental?
Only if Honda or Toyota makes them.

My sister Pat and her husband, Lou, have a beagle named Annie. She is a loving dog but because pets are not much different from humans, she goes through certain times in the cycle. People in Buffalo travel to Canada quite frequently since the International Peace Bridge is just up the road. I myself have made the crossing a few times while journeying to Minnesota and Maine over the last few years. All I can say is that the Canadian authorities at the border have so much more on the ball that their American counterparts.

Lou and Annie, who had on a diaper, were returning from Canada to Buffalo, in the summer of 2007 and greeted at the border by a young lady. She asked about this piece of apparel and Lou mentioned that Annie was in heat, to which a reply came, “Dogs go through that, too?”
Storks can only handle so many animals.

I watched the flick, Kinsey, recently and like all movies, there was a disclaimer that no animal was harmed in the making of the movie.
Nothing was stated about the number of births from the actions of the creatures shown in the credits, though.

I saw a movie in July 2007 and the rating warning used the words, quirky situations.
At least they’re using different words – it’s good to be creative.

Regarding programs on National Public Radio, due to time limitations, I don’t feel all things should be considered.

On December 26, 2007, I was asked for proof at the supermarket.
Who said people can’t get younger? I became a senior citizen a few years ago so the problem here is management. I talked to the clerk at the register and she said she could get fired if she didn’t ask, even if I had been born in the nineteenth century. She related that these instructions came about in training. Apparently the higher-ups can’t trust these employees’ judgment – another fine example of missing intelligence.

12. This chapter intentionally left blank

This chapter has almost nothing in it for two reasons. The first is to once again insist that people who put similar words on a piece of paper use some common sense. I hope you know what I mean. If not, read my book that almost starts with these same five words. Second, many hotels don’t have a thirteenth floor so this is a chance to even matters out. As you can tell, this book has a thirteenth but no twelfth chapter (almost.)
13. Questions

You may not have heard of the 1970s musical group, Seatrain, but they had a hit song called Thirteen Questions. This chapter has nothing to do with music, that song or that group. I just thought I’d spread some knowledge. As in my two previous books on intelligence fiascos, what follow are questions that you probably never thought of asking.

Before getting into these things, I think I have an answer for another question. You may recall that the Rascals, a musical group of the 1960s, sang a song with the name and question, How Can I be Sure?
I believe the answer can be found in a television commercial. I’m not sure if it’s still being aired. Talk about a host of puns.

If a guy had his whole left side cut off, would he be all right now?
He was probably sent to Iraq by the neo-conservatives.

If my mother remarries a really good dancer, would the groom be my two-step father?
If someone only takes off two days to get married, is that a honey half-moon?
If a river overflows its banks, can I float a loan? Only for a houseboat!

If I invite people to a party and they don’t respond, but show up anyway, are these people, “pop-ins?”
Not that long ago, Mary was a popular choice for baby girls and I’ve known a few women with that name. If any of these individuals with that appellation did the same no RSVP / arrival thing, they would be “Mary Poppins.”

Were the first illegal aliens at Roswell, New Mexico? Would it have made a difference if they came with green cards?

Would the U. S. military forces have been better off in Iraq if they used surge protectors?
Will General David Petraeus betray us?
I came up with this one way before the media did.
Can I test the waters if I can’t swim?
It shouldn’t be a problem in any case with a life vest.
Do perverts use flash drives?
Instead of writing a check for my mortgage payment, will the bank accept 100,000 balloons?
Wouldn’t it benefit all mankind to send all telemarketers directly to jail?
If corporations have the rights of individual citizens, can we then send them to prison for violations of the law?

Why do businesses not mind walk-ins, but aren’t too happy about walk-outs?
I don’t believe there was a song, Walk Right Out or Walk Right Off.

When your loan is approved and you have to be at the bank, why do they call it a closing?
You are about to begin making payments if you want to keep your house or car.

Can you feed baby carrots to a new-born infant? Do devil’s advocates have horns? From what I have seen, it seems so.

Is a bum steer an animal raised on a ranch by a hobo?
Why do the people who are Conservatives get the worst gas mileage?

Why are there so many hair shampoos that have the scent of raspberry, kiwi / strawberry or lime but none of the aroma of goat?

Can you get a peach or apple cobbler from someone who mends shoes?
Someone always told me to diversify.

If an infant needs to have his internal organs checked out, does he have a kitty scan?

When a patient is rendered immobile and not caring about anything before surgery or a medical procedure, why don’t they call it amnesia?

What effect will Velcro have on hot button issues? That’s truly a sticky subject.

If I photograph a person who weighs 450 pounds or more, do I need to use the landscape setting?
This person is not too heavy, merely too short for his weight.

Do barefooted people get a bum deal when it comes to holiday stocking stuffers?
Maybe virtual socks would be the gift for them.

Is there any significance that the first three letters of the legislative body of government are “Con?”
Is it a coincidence that in the words, “corporate Amerika,” you have all the letters in the word, “crook?”

Should I enlist the services of a marketer named Penny to spread the word on my books, or would I get short-changed? Considering inflation, Dollar Brand may be a better choice, but he only does music.

Why are books published for “dummies,” when they can’t read?
I wonder who is dumber, the publisher, writer or the reader.

If kids in Australia misbehave, are they acting down?

If W writes a book after being exiled from office, will it have words of more than one sillabull in it?
Eye sertainli won’t bye it. (This probably won’t get past the censors but I will put it on the DVD.)

If Ron Paul III becomes president, won’t that demolish the separation of Church and State?
Could Pontius Pilate fly a plane or was he just adept with his palm?
Can Deacon Jones preach and distribute communion at Mass?
Is St. John Bosco the patron saint of chocolate?

Why does a writer begin with a sentence and wind up with a book, while someone accused of a crime is first booked and then sentenced?
In some cases, there wasn’t one word from the defense attorney at the trial, since he was asleep.

If I’m on a cruise in the middle of the Atlantic, do they serve continental breakfasts?
Would it be European or American?

When will the next Harry Pothead book be coming out? I’m sure it will be smoking.
Is it true that a car manufacturer will soon be coming out with a car for the clergy with the name of Celibacy?

Do rock musicians continually say to the audience the words, “I can’t hear you,” because they’ve gone deaf from the high levels of amplification on stage?

When I see (sic) in a book, why can’t they just correct the error, leave out the (sic) and not have me try to figure out what’s wrong?
My impression was that (sic) indicated either a spelling or grammatical error in the word or words before it. On the other hand, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes the usage as “intentionally so written; used after a printed word or passage to indicate that it exactly produces an original.” But isn’t that why the phrase usually is in quotes?

Why eat salt and vinegar chips if they aren’t cooked in bacon grease?
That’s to go along with the Diet Coke.

Can you get melanoma from eating cantaloupe?

Do we really need the sign I saw on September 10, 2007 outside a supermarket – I’m sure it’s around others places as well – that says, Stop for pedestrians?

Would Alan Greenspan have been Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve without a “green” in his name?

If I buy an accent table and it talks, will I be able to understand it?
Can I quench my thirst with some saltwater taffy?
Do they tell you how to make wine at a pre-Cana conference?
Was the musical group, The Three Degrees, named after Fahrenheit, Celsius and Kelvin?

Does a congregation ever sing hymn #666 while worshipping?
Only the Church of St. Lucifer – that designation, Saint may not be quite right.

Are all of 007’s investments in bonds?
I was under the impression that he had an interest in gold, which he liked to run his fingers through.

Do people in umbrella groups have fewer concerns about rain?
Lightning still bothers them.

Should I buy something from a truck that plays music from The Sting?
Not if it’s moving.

Can horses from Hollywood be shipped in theatrical trailers? That’s where the Silver screen came in.

Why do I have to be at the airport three hours before my flight departs?
Maybe they need help with sheet rocking.

If a hippie married a freak, would they throw wild rice at the wedding?
If you have a job as a fabricator, does that mean that you’re a politician?
Why do we find the title “Honorable” before Senators and those from the House of Representatives?
Is the Cow Industrial Index (CIA) exclusively a bull market?

Is an editor who has been at it a long time more at risk for colon cancer?
I heard that period cancer is only half as bad as colon cancer.

Since some medical procedures are non-invasive, when I come out of anesthesia after surgery, could I say that I have been invaded?
If it’s administered in the rear, it’s called anusthesia.

If a soldier has stomach problems, will they schedule an upper GI Joe Series for him?
In Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, why is there no reference to leather?
Did Christ ever work at a redemption center?
He didn’t have to – the wine at Cana didn’t come in a bottle.
What disease did ham have before it was cured? I know some individuals who need remediation.
Will a thief who stole a calendar get twelve months? He just May.
Would Buckshot Cheney have served the people better if he had married a woman named Ruth?

Why do we have to be tested for mercury but not for Pluto? That’s because the latter is not a planet, or are you referring to Mickey’s friend?

If I eat too much candy, do I have to be tested for Mars?

If a thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement, would he become a hardened criminal?
He was probably arrested on concrete evidence.

Could thieves who steal corn from a garden be charged with stalking?
If I get the answering service when I call a business, why can’t they answer my questions?

Seeing Michael Vick in a spiffy suit and tie at the press conference in the summer of 2007, was he successful at the job interview afterwards?

Are Orangemen guys who overdosed on vitamin A? I lived in the Syracuse area for over four years.

Will waterboarding ever be an Olympic sport?
I think x-treme – as in x-tremely dumb - sport is more like it, and that’s a stretch.

Is a hybrid SUV any more sensible than fighting for peace? Is Ground Zero in Celsius or Fahrenheit? Perhaps it’s in Kelvin.

If I want the tax deduction for a turbo-charged vehicle, do I have to use turbo-tax when filing?
Wouldn’t every book on the life of Henry Ford be an autobiography?

Doesn’t the expression, “I could care less” mean the same as “I couldn’t care less?”
Do you still think the English language makes sense?

Do I need to play an instrument to get on the bandwagon? If I fall off, will they pawn my guitar?
If only two of the group, The Village People, show up for a concert, will they sing YM?

If you take a laptop computer for a run, could it jog your memory?
It’s probably healthier than taking your disk for a drive.

You may think I’m picking on him, but what would happen if Dick Cheney went hunting with Dan Quayle?

If there’s a one percent chance that Bush and Cheney, in the time after January 2009, decide to lead another country, shouldn’t pre-emptive action be taken?

Is there a Ground Absolute Zero in the Arctic? Not since the coming of global warming.

Is it true that most of the Santa Clauses live in Ho-Ho-kus, New Jersey?
I think that name was changed in late 2007 to Ha-Ha-Kus.

If a leader wasn’t such a good egg, could he be impoached?

Some people complain about global warming, but won’t it get rid of all the iceholes?
If you’re not smiling at this question, watch the movie Short Circuit for some insight.

If a guy fell onto an upholstery machine, would he be fully recovered?

What was the attitude of the Catholic Church towards vegetarians before the Friday meat laws were relaxed? Sometimes people really fish to get laughs.

Do Atheists have to capitalize “bibles?”
What happens when a professor discovers that her theory of earthquakes is on shaky ground?
If a woman with red hair is a redhead, is one with black hair a blackhead?
You’ve heard of mankind and humankind, but does womankind have something to do with Hugh Hefner?

If I drive a Pinto, Corvair or Yugo, will I make a turn for the worse?
It’s probably a good idea to let someone else drive and get into a different car.

If my family doctor doesn’t care for the term, “practicing,” since he likes to execute procedures to the best of his ability, would he be called an “executioner?”
Maybe that only applies to Kevokian.

If someone is a sports addict who you can’t get away from the television and all he does is talk about hockey, baseball, football and basketball, does he have a sports complex?

Does a woman in Australia who wants to beautify herself go to get a makeunder?

Do turtles use snail mail since they probably can’t get email or do they have their own kind of really slow communication?

Do we have to launch PC and Web software because it was created by rocket scientists?
Can you get a wake-up call if you don’t have a phone? I don’t think you want to rely on the post office.
Is there a reason why the first four letters of the word democracy result in the word, demo?

Why is there a sequel to the movie, The Neverending Story?
This book probably will have a sequel too, even though this is the third one on missing intelligence.

If you’re driving on the interstate and an emergency rescue vehicle flies by you at an outrageous speed, do you wonder who will take care of those in the truck in the event of an accident?
Fortunately, they have most of the equipment on board to handle this situation, but there may not be anyone to administer what’s needed.

If I get amputated from the neck up, won’t I still have to pay a cover charge at the club if they ask for $5 a head? Do musicians in their dying minutes in Hospice or in the hospital become unplugged?

What kind of music can you play on a conundrum? Perhaps it’s something that a con artist could master.

Was there a Caesarian Section of the stands at the Olympics in Ancient Times?
One of their cheers was, “Push on to victory.”

Did the Buffalo Bills fail to win the championship when OJ was playing for them because he didn’t have the killer instinct, just yet?

Can I get burned on hot-button issues? That isn’t a concern in the Arctic.

Is there a toll on the bridge to nowhere?
Only on the return trip, and you won’t have to pay it if you don’t make it back.

If people agree to disagree, does anything at all get accomplished?

If someone’s head is spinning, does Linda Blair collect a royalty?
Only if it happens to the queen or one of her relatives.

If I go to a party that serves killer food, will it be my last meal?
Maybe, this is what Jeffrey Dahmer had at his house.

Has anyone ever been to a potluck dinner where someone brought porridge?

Do pastors ever have monsignor moments? Is that your crown Victoria?
I can’t believe it – my editor and proofreaders missed that needed comma before the last word.

As promised, I mentioned in wake up – it’s time for your sleeping pill that there would be an answer to the question having to do with Canadian money. When I wrote that other book, the Canadian dollar was worth less than the American, but as of the beginning of November 2007, the former was equal to about one dollar and three cents American. I haven’t tried using Canadian quarters for my laundry, but my guess is that they wouldn’t work anyway. I did get a Canadian twenty-dollar bill and tried to deposit it in my checking account. The bank teller said I’d have to do the exchange at a larger commercial institution, like M&T or Key Bank. I figured on going to the latter, but guessed that they would only give me the equivalent in American money. On actually trying to do that, I was told that because of the exchange, I would only get a bit over nineteen dollars. Well, I was having none of that and demanded my twenty back. After all, banks are corporations and the latter are criminals. That logically follows that banks are crooks, as this instance verifies.

There is a bit of hope, though. Just on a whim, on November 8, 2007, I went to the other bank mentioned above and the teller handed me $20.94 in American dollars for my Canadian twenty. Kudos to M & T Bank!

Amazingly enough, despite the behavior of the above bank, the answer to the question in chapter 8 about banks is all of the above.

I close with answers to questions posed in the last chapter of for seeing eye dogs only, concerning why we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway. Both driving on the driveway and parking on the parkway have limits.

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